TRIS

After leaving Caleb and Christina, and promising to check back in with them to let them know how I was doing, Tobias and I don't go straight home. The fresh air felt good against my skin and it was nice to stretch out my legs after the past couple of days. Tobias takes my hand and laces our fingers together. I don't know what had been going through my mind when I sent Tobias away. Hormones, probably. From what little I knew about science and the basic chemistry of a human being, losing a child was damaging to a body. Both physically and emotionally. I didn't have all of the information, but I was going to figure it out. There was a lot that I wanted to find out…and it was a lot that I had to find out from the Erudite. This type of information was not available to us back at Dauntless. There was no need for that kind of information back at Dauntless. There was no need to learn more than you needed to know. Dauntless was for the soldiers. Erudite was for the scholars. And this society, you couldn't be more than one thing. Being different made you dangerous. But now…now that Jeanine was gone and things were changing, maybe it was possible to be something more…something more than just the one thing.

"How are you doing?" he asks me.

I glance up at him and squeeze his hand. "I'm good," I tell him. "I promise."

The corner of his mouth twitches upward. "I just worry about you."

"I know," I say. "You have good reason to."

"I don't want to worry about you," He says. "I want to be able to just know that you're going to be okay."

We stop walking and sit down on a porch of one of the empty houses. It looks like it has been empty for months, so I make a mental note to tell Shauna about it the next time I see her. It'll good for the two of them to have a home of their own.

"I was so ready to have a baby," I tell him, my voice quiet. "I had given in to the thoughts that it was actually happening and false hopes that things were going to normal. Whatever normal means anyway."

Tobias rubs my back and pulls me in against him. "It just wasn't the right time," he says. "We'll work this out. We always work It out."

"But what if we don't?"

"Then we don't," he says. "It doesn't dictate how we spend out lives."

I look up at him. "You're too good," I say. "Too kind."

"It's really only with you," he tells me. "You know kindness is my weak spot."

"You haven't really had any trouble with it recently," I tell him.

"Oh trust me," he says. "The past few days I was anything but kind."

"What do you mean?"

"I had been working on the house the past few days," I say. "I kept to myself and I didn't talk to anyone. That wasn't very kind of me."

"But it was what you needed," I say. "It was what the both of us needed. And I don't think anyone really blames us for it."

He kisses my head. "I was thinking of taking the train back to Dauntless and getting a few things to bring back," he says. "Getting the truck back form Zeke and whatnot."

"Yeah," I say. "That sounds good. When do you want to go?"

he looks me over. "Are you feeling up to going?"

I shrug. "I want to get back out there...I want to live," I say. "I know that this is recent, but I feel like if I don't throw myself out there and get back into it, I might drive myself crazy."

"We'll have to use the secondary entrance," he says. "I don't want you jumping off a roof in your condition."

"Yeah, neither do I," I nod. I turn my head and rest my forehead against his, closing my eyes and breathing in his scent. "I love you."

He presses his lips to mine, his hands, cradling my cheeks. "Love you more."

I kiss him again and when we break I tug on his hand and we head back home.

It's been about a month since we went back to Erudite. A month since Dara explained to me that everything looked fine to her on the ultrasound and if there was anything she could have done to prevent my loss, she would have done it. "No one should have to lose a child," she had told me. The words were meant to console me, but they felt like a punch in the gut. No one should have to lose a child. Her loss feels worse than my loss. I hadn't know my child yet, but she had sixteen years with Will. And I had taken him from her. What I did to that family weighs down on me every day. And I can't take It back, no matter how many times I wish that I could.

It's been a month since I was given the new medication from the Erudite headquarters that was supposed to strengthen my immune system and get my body back to the way it was before I had been shot...to before I had taken the death serum I wanted to get back to completely healthy. I don't want my decision to try to stop David to affect my life with Tobias. I know what he's said about being okay with not having children, but I don't want to take that away from him. Which is why I made sure to have my appointment with Dara alone...or at least the last part. I can have kids. I just have to be incredibly careful and make sure that I'm taking all the medication that I am supposed to.

It has been a month since I forced Tobias to go back to work and try to do something with his time other than hovering over me. It's been a month since I've started taking classes at Erudite to learn whatever I could to become better prepared for whatever job that I could have. I head home early from the Erudite headquarters and make sure to catch the time before I leave. Tobias would be coming home within the hour and I wanted to get everything ready for him. I had never really needed to seduce him, but lately I fear that that might be my only option. But since losing the baby and our reconciliation, he's been hesitant to touch me. But I was given the go ahead from Dara that I was okay to proceed as planned.

I get home and shower and use Tobias' razor to shave my legs. I take extra time on myself, even borrowing eyeliner from Christina who assured me that I knew how to put It on by now. I use the mirror in the main room that I keep open now; there is no reason to keep it locked and shut anymore.. I have the chicken stew on the stove, keeping warm, ready for whenever he comes through the door. And the dress that I had collected from back at Dauntless is hanging right above my knees. I feel my heart race in my chest when I hear the door open.

"Babe?" Tobias calls out.

I let out a breath and walk to the front of the house and can't help but smile at the reaction that I get from Tobias.

"Whoa," he says, dropping his bag onto the floor.

I look down at myself and then back up at him. "It's good?"I ask him.

He crosses to me and pulls me in for a kiss. "More than good," he says against my lips. "What's the occasion?"

I kiss him again to keep from answering the question but instead lead him into the dining room. Normally I wouldn't just leave the dishes in the sink after dinner, but I had a plan and I wasn't going to let it just fall apart. After we eat, I think that he is getting suspicious. It only feeds flame to the fire when I tell him to leave the dishes. I pull him out of the kitchen and up the stairs to our room.

"What's going on?" he asks me, stopping on the steps.

I turn around to face him and shake my head. "What do you think is going on, Tobias?" I ask him. "I'm in a dress. I'm wearing eyeliner. I shaved."

He looks down at my legs, swallows and then looks back up at me. "Are you sure..." he trails off, his eyes falling back down to my legs.

I take a step toward him and lift his chin with my finger so that he's forced to look at me. "Yes, I 'm sure," I tell him. "I've been diligent in taking my medication, I've been healthy and careful, and I've even talked to Dara. I'm clear for this." He still looks hesitant.I let out a breath and place my hands on both sides of his face "Why won't you touch me?"

He doesn't answer for a moment. He licks his lips and I watch as his eyes soften. "I'm afraid of you getting hurt again."

I close the space between us and kiss him softly. "Right now, the only thing that's hurting me is you," I say. "You've barely touched me since," I bite my lower lip. "Please Tobias."

He stares at me for a second before moving his hands to my hips and lifting me up, pinning me against the wall in a hurried motion. I let out a gasp as he presses his body against mine, his lips hungry against my own. Our movements are both hungry and eager. I run my hands through his hair as his hands push the fabric of my dress up and tug down my undergarments. The feelings of his fingers against my skin, cause goose bumps to rise up and I let out a gasp of air. He pulls away and looks at me, checking my eyes to make sure that I'm okay and I nod, not wanting him to stop...ever. I pull on his shirt to bring him in for another kiss and he lifts me carrying us down the hall to our bedroom.

It's when he tosses me onto the bed and pulls his shirt from his body that I realize just how bad waiting had been for him too. When he joins me on the bed, he tugs my dress over my head tossing it aside and pressing his body against mine. His muscles spasm against my own and that feeling alone causes ripples to flow through my entire body. I never knew how needing a person felt. He doesn't give it to me though. His lips press everywhere on my body, moving lower and lower until my breath comes out in gasps, my fingers clenching the sheets beneath me. My body arches when his lips find my core, his hands gripping my thighs to keep them apart as his tongue delves into me. I squeeze my eyes shut as he works me over, knowing exactly when and where to press to make me moan.

He doesn't move until I finish and he looks up at me, breathing hard and I have never seen a sexier sight. It takes me a few moments to catch my breath so I can speak. "Come here," I whisper to him and he grins at me, climbing back up the bed until our bodies connect. With his lips pressed against mine, he pushes into me, gentle at first, but after a few thrusts, picks up the pace easily. My hands move from the sheets to grip his shoulders which do a much better job at keeping me in place, helping me keep my rhythm as my body rises and falls against his. His teeth pull roughly on my lip, forcing his tongue against my own, and I moan at the sensation, my entire body feeling as if it's on fire now.

We don't stop for hours and when the both of us cannot continue, we lay in bed, side by side, our breaths mixing together as we strain to catch our breath. I look up at him at the same time that he looks at me, our lips curved up in smiles. This is what forever looks like, and I'm definitely okay with that.