Chapter 48

True Courage

Los Angeles had just come into sight from the top of a hill when Mindy's anger finally faded enough to make her realise what she had done.

Staring at the seemingly endless expanse of streets, houses and skyscrapers laid out before her, Mindy's mind shot backwards, to the argument that had flared between her and Bolt last night. When she remembered the point where she had lost control and ranted, before disappearing into the night, she was horrified. She froze where she was, in mid-stride, her jaw dropping at the memory of her own words, her own complete loss of control...and her own dismissal of a friendship she knew had still been there, despite her words.

For a moment, she was silent, trying to digest everything that had happened, everything that had been said. In the end, the final realisation of what she had done came when she remembered that, as she left, she had heard Bolt calling to her, calling for her to come back, but she, in her anger, had ignored it. With that realisation, she also that it was herself, not Bolt, who had been in the wrong in that argument. It was she that had betrayed the friendship between them, not the White Shepherd she had come to admire so much.

Guilt struck her like a physical blow, causing her to take back the stride she had stopped in, and taking back several more after that, finally sitting down, not trusting herself to stand. Oh...what have I done? She turned her head, looking back the way she had come, back down the nearby highway she was following. she could not see Calico's facility, nor the place where she, Bolt and Mittens had stayed last night, but she could see the exit ramp, and the narrow road that eventually led to Calico's hideout...and that was what she focused on. "Oh, Bolt...I'm sorry," she whispered, lowering her head in shame.

In the end, she knew, it all came down to her. She had said the heated words that would have no doubt destroyed her relationship with Bolt. She was one who had failed the hero, and she was the one who had failed herself. Every day, since she had lost her person to those thugs - and her own cowardice - she had worked, tirelessly, to give herself courage, to bring herself the inner strength that would allow her to act when the time came, when she was thrust into another position of life and death, where she would be the one to choose if she could save a life, possibly at the expense of her own, or run, and save herself. But now, after over a year of effort, all she had done was turn herself into a miserable, moody German Shepherd that found it now all-too-easy to lash out at friends when she did not agree with what they were saying. The past year had changed her...but not her courage. She had simply become moodier, and slightly more violent.

And in that moment, she saw, with perfect, crystal clarity; she would never find her courage...because it simply did not exist. She did not have to ability to cast aside her fear like she knew Bolt could. And because of that, she would be condemned to walk the streets of various cities...condemned to always be Mud, the stray, cowardly Shepherd she had been for the past year.

But as she accepted that, her mind turned to Bolt, the only real friend she had made since she had cast off all ties to her old life and become a stray. Zippy had been good company, sure, but the little Jack Russell was simply too energetic, too active, and too annoying for Mindy to really accept him as a friend. In the end, it had all been Bolt. As she had done several times over the last couple of days, she wondered at the white fur he had. When she had first met him, covered in dirt and filth, she had completely believed he was another German Shepherd, which was part of the reason she was drawn to him when she had seen him that day. She had not really believed him when he had mentioned that he was not the breed she was convinced he was...at least not until he had risen from the ocean that morning. Bolt was the only friend Mindy could say she had these days, and she had begun to suspect, especially after seeing him in the last two days, in his true form, in his prime, that her feelings were moving beyond friendship, that she was beginning to look for something more in the White Shepherd.

And now? Now there was nothing. She had thrown away his friendship in a split second, in an argument over her safety, of all things! Sitting there on the hill, Mindy quietly cursed her own stupidity. Bolt had been just trying to look out for her, to protect her, and she, in her new sense of stubbornness, and her nervousness she associated now with her developing crush on the dog, she had cracked, and ranted at him, accusing him of using her, before blindly turning her back on him, and stalking away, walking in silent fury until now, where she had seen the truth. In the end, she realised, all her accusations had been hypocrisy at its worst. In the end, she was the one that had used Bolt. She was one that had betrayed, and ultimately destroyed, their friendship, at a point where Bolt was just trying to look out for her, to do the right thing and let her walk away from the danger she knew Bolt must now be facing.

Mindy once more looked at the point where she could see the road to Calico's facility, her eyes narrowing. Bolt was in danger...she knew he would not let what happened last night slow him down. If anything, it would make him more determined to head in there, more determined to save the person that he held so dear to him. Mindy managed a slight smile. That was what she admired most in Bolt; his willingness to do anything, even throw his own life on the line, for those he cared about. He was risking his life to save Penny, and he had destroyed his friendship with her to save her from the danger he was now so willingly walking into.

Then Mindy froze, indecision hitting her. She wanted, desperately, to help Bolt, to make up for last night's actions. She wanted to head back, find that facility, and find him, and help him find his person, and stop Calico. In her mind, she knew that it was the very least she could do to make up for last night's mistake.

But once again, her courage failed her. She knew that, if she went in after Bolt, that her fear would take over at the first sign of danger, and she would be either fade away once more, running as she always had...or she would freeze up, and end up being killed by one of Calico's men. In the end, Mindy knew what would happen. She may be desperate to help Bolt, to show that she, too, could be useful...but she knew that her courage, or lack of it, simply would not allow it.

How does he do it? Mindy silently asked herself. She had heard, from both Bolt and Mittens, the things Bolt had done, and the displays of courage he had shown...but she did not understand how he did it, how he cast aside his fear so easily and thoughtlessly. He seemed to have no fear, no sense of the danger he was deliberately putting himself in for others. And Mindy knew, deep insider herself, that she wished that, just for a moment, she could do that...she could throw away her fear and face what she knew she owed Bolt with all the courage he showed, knowing that she would not run, and would not freeze. She wanted to fight at his side, to help him, as he had helped her.

Eventually, Mindy turned away, getting back to her feet and slowly slipping away, back down the hill, towards Los Angeles. She could not do it, simple as that. Her sense of fear was too high, and she had no ability to remove it from her mind. There was no hope of finding her courage, and because of that, she would never be able to face danger...hell, she would never even be able to face Bolt about her feelings for him. She would always be Mud, the lonely, sad stray, condemned to forever wander to streets.

But once again, she stopped. Mud...the name rang with new meaning now. She knew other strays had called her that as a joking reference to her nature as a stray, but only one dog had refused, completely, to call her by that name...Bolt. But why? Why would he so steadfastly avoid using that name, when everyone else did? Why did he always call her Mindy, a name that she no longer thought was appropriate for her, since she had betrayed the person that had named her so? It was as if he was trying to remind her of the past...remind her of that awful, awful time...

That's it! The answer became so clear to Mindy, she wondered why she had not seen it before. Just as she had seen Bolt's goodness in a time when he was succumbing to his darker side, Bolt had also seen something inside Mindy that she herself had not, something that had made him avoid using her new name. And with her new-found mental clarity, Mindy also saw the answer to that, as well. He had seen something inside her...he had seen her inner courage, that she herself had failed to find!

And as Mindy thought of Bolt, and all the things they had been through, together, she suddenly saw the answer. She had always assumed Bolt's courage was simply derived from the fact that he had no fear, that danger and self-preservation meant nothing to him. But now, Mindy could see that that was a lie. Bolt had always known fear...he had been slightly suspicious of her when they first met, she remembered. Finally, Mindy saw, courage was not merely a lack of fear, but rather the ability to accept that fear, and control it, ignore it, continue on in the face of it.

And that, she realised, was something that she could do. She had been trying to erase her fear for the past year, with no thought of the fact that such a feat was simply impossible. All this time, she had been fighting a hopeless cause, but now she saw the answer, and she embraced it willingly. She looked back the way she had come, and despite having already moved a short way from the hilltop, she could still see the road to Calico's facility, where Bolt must already be caught in the midst of various dangers, each one worse than the last.

Once again, Mindy felt fear rising through her at the prospect of chasing down her friend, in the middle of a facility full of armed, dangerous humans that would kill both her and Bolt without a moment's hesitation. But as the fear filled her, leaving her shaking, not just with the terror, but also with shame, she started to fight it. Rather than trying to erase it, she accepted that it was there, but attempted to dismiss it as unimportant, that her need to assist her friend was greater than her fear.

Mindy's eyes widened when she felt her fear recede slightly in the face of this new determination. It was working...she was pushing her fear back! Hope surged through her, and the fear continued to retreat back, fading into the deepest recesses of her mind, she felt a new surge of feeling inside her, something she had never felt before...

...Courage.

Mindy smiled. She could still feel her sense of fear and danger, but now it was hiding away, no longer controlling her. She had taken control of her emotions, and finally found her courage...all thanks to Bolt. "Now," she whispered, as he made her way back, heading straight for the narrow road that lead to Calico's facility...and her best friend, and the danger she knew she could now face willingly. "Time to make amends, for everything."

She had finally found her courage...and it was time she used it.