A/N: This chapter is set after 'Secret Santa' (Ep. 5x09).
Jim sat in Johanna's favorite chair, a heavy patchwork quilt draped over his lap. He'd been sitting like this for hours, staring into the flickering flames of the fireplace, just thinking. Much as he loved the cabin, being here was always bittersweet. Johanna's touch was still all over the little house. While they'd typically spent the holidays at their Manhattan home, the cabin had been the scene of a couple of memorable Christmas celebrations. But no matter where they were, they had always loved Christmas Eve. They'd been a circle of three, laughing and loving, listening to carols, sipping hot cocoa and looking furtively at the gaily-decorated tree, trying to guess what exactly was in the parcels beneath it, the presents so carefully planned and concealed.
They'd been such a tight, loving unit. Until Johanna had been taken from them, ripped from the heart of their family, leaving Jim and Kate completely adrift. And as tragedy had visited their family not long after Christmas, Johanna's absence was especially trying during the yuletide season. Kate and Jim had gone from celebrating the holidays to simply surviving them; they'd developed new traditions to help them deal with their sadness. Jim's tradition was driving up to the peace and quiet of the cabin, although it still reverberated with vivid memories of Johanna's voice and presence. Feeling that this habit was a little too melancholy and lonely, some of Jim's friends and family had tried to persuade him to break it by inviting him to their homes, but they'd eventually given up and learned to give him the space he wanted at Christmas.
Jim was startled by the sound of his ringing cell-phone. He was even more taken aback when he saw that it was Kate calling. She always worked the dreaded Christmas Eve shift at the precinct. Looking out for the many others in their city, helping to keep them safe and protected while they celebrated the holidays: that was her tradition.
"Hey, Katie," he said, "I wasn't expecting to hear from you tonight. How are things at work?"
Kate hesitated for a moment before responding. "I, uh, I'm not at work tonight, Dad."
"Why not? Are you okay?"
"I am. But I'm at Castle's. I stepped out of the room for a moment to call you. We just finished dinner, and Martha's about to put on The Nutcracker Suite." She paused. "I decided that… maybe it was time for me to start a new tradition."
Jim immediately felt ashamed of his thoughtless assumption. "I'm sorry, Katie, I wasn't thinking. I should have realized that you'd spend the holidays with Rick and his family now."
"No, Dad, I should apologize."
"What for?"
"Well, we've done this for years – you at the cabin, me at the precinct – and it feels…. Well, it feels a little like this year, I'm breaking our tradition."
"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, Katie. Traditions evolve as people grow. Your Christmas Eve shift was meaningful to you for a while, but I think it's wonderful that you're adopting a new ritual with Rick and his family. This one will be just as meaningful, probably even more so."
"Thanks, Dad."
"Are you having a good time?"
"Yes, we all are. Castle loves Christmas, and just seeing him so excited is… a treat." Her voice was soft and warm, and Jim could just picture the fond smile on her face.
"Good. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Give my best to Rick."
"I will." She paused. "He was willing to give up spending Christmas Eve with his family for me, Dad. He was on his way to the precinct when I got here."
"I'm not surprised," Jim said. "He probably realized that his Christmas wouldn't be complete without you. And the same would have been true for you, if you'd stayed at the precinct without him. You did the right thing, Katie."
"I know. But I still feel a little bad thinking about you all alone at the cabin while we're here celebrating."
"Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Yes, it's not an easy time, but I'm at peace here. And this Christmas, I have the added satisfaction of knowing that you're having a beautiful celebration with a family that loves you." Jim paused, emotion deepening his voice. "I'm happy for you, Katie."
"Thanks Dad," Kate said softly. She took a deep breath. "I almost didn't come to the loft. It almost felt...wrong. I mean, I know it's not, but I... I just haven't felt like celebrating – or even being around other people – at this time of year for such a long time."
Jim nodded. "I understand. But you certainly have reason to celebrate now, and it doesn't take anything away from the more painful feelings that you still have at this time of year. It's just another example of the complexity of life, Katie, the way our sorrows are bound up in our joys. Remember how we escaped to the beach after your mom's funeral?"
"I remember. I even kept that little stick-man we made that day."
Jim smiled, recalling how, in the midst of their devastation, the simple pleasure of a wintry day at the beach, running around, playing with sticks like a couple of kids, had brought a moment of pure joy and peace to their hearts. On that day, Jim had felt that Johanna was smiling down on them. He felt that she was smiling down on Kate now.
"Katie, can you imagine how happy your mom would be if she could see you sitting around Rick's table with him, Martha and Alexis? Laughing and sharing Christmas memories? She would love that. Christmas always was her favorite holiday."
"I think she'd be happy too, Dad," Kate said, her voice soft and slightly husky with emotion. "I just wish she was here to witness it in person."
"Me too, Katie. Me too."
There was a moment of wistful silence, and then Kate spoke, her voice resolutely cheery. "By the way, Martha was asking for you earlier. I told her you were at the cabin, and – well, you know Martha. She said to tell you that if you're not here with us next Christmas, we'll all invite ourselves up to the cabin, with dinner, presents, the tree and everything else."
Jim smiled. That sounded exactly like something Martha would say. And he wondered if Kate realized the ease with which she had spoken of spending next Christmas with Castle and his family. "That's very kind of her," Jim said.
"She has a point, Dad," Kate said gently. "You said that traditions evolve – well, maybe it's time for yours to evolve too. Mom would want you to be with people that care about you."
Jim cringed a little as his words were replayed for him, words that he knew he wasn't exactly applying in his own life. "I know, Katie, but I –"
"I know how you feel, Dad. It's never going to be the same as it was. But maybe it's time for us to make our peace with that. I think I've found a new way to honor Mom's memory at Christmas. Maybe it's time you did, too."
Jim struggled against the instinct to recoil from the idea of changing his annual practice. He forced himself to relax. Maybe she was right – maybe he was clinging to this time at the cabin, to long-lost memories and echoes from the past, when in truth, Johanna simply wouldn't want him to be alone at Christmas. Spending time with family and friends was always what had mattered the most to her, especially at the holidays. He didn't know if he could do it, but at least he had a year to ponder the idea.
"I'll think about it, Katie. And please pass my thanks on to Martha."
"Sure, Dad. She – and Rick and Alexis, of course – wanted me to wish you a Merry Christmas."
"Thank them for me. And give them my Christmas wishes as well."
"I will," Kate said. "I should go back. They're waiting for me. But I had to talk to you. Merry Christmas, Dad. I hope all your dreams come true."
"They're coming true right now," Jim said, smiling. Like any parent, one of his biggest dreams was for Kate to experience happiness and fulfillment, in her personal life as well as her professional pursuits. Seeing that dream come to pass meant more to him than he could express in words. "Merry Christmas, Katie."
A/N: Writing this chapter put me in such a Christmassy mood! As always, thanks for reading and reviewing.
