I'm back.
As always, thank you for all the story/author alerts I have received and continue to receive for this story. And a big thanks to xo1998xo, Othfan48 (chapters 49-50), NsHjs23, Ariel, SPNALEY, Katie (chapters 49-50), charmedrocks33, Venica23, HBJHOTH23 (chapters 48-49), forhimonly67, GottaluvNaley, rocklesson86, vikinglovero4, NALEYAAF23, edthefrog, saderia, Love NH, courtneylovejason, Shelley123, GRemy, 2naley, amkjo001, and all the guests who left reviews. I cannot believe I've hit over 1000 reviews – it's just so amazing! You guys are simply awesome, and I love you all!
AN: This is the chapter I'm sure you all have been waiting for. (wink, wink) I really hope I did this chapter justice which is why I tried to take my time on it; I'm actually kind of nervous - I don't want it to feel rushed or too forced or too random. I hope you guys enjoy it. :)
Please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes.
Disclaimer: I own nothing affiliate with One Tree Hill.
Nathan and Haley walked into his bedroom, finding Lily sitting with Duke on top of the bed. The little girl and the dog jumped down onto the carpet, the excitement clear in them both. As Duke ran towards his owner, Lily immediately ran to Haley and wrapped her tiny arms around the older girl's waist, hugging her tightly. Haley choked back her tears, closing her eyes and smiling as she rubbed Lily's back in a slow movement. Nathan showed Duke some wanted affection before asking his little sister if she could take the dog and go back downstairs. Lily nodded, called for Duke to follow her, and then the two were hightailing it out of the bedroom.
Nathan moved to shut the door, giving him and Haley some needed privacy before turning back around. He stood still, resting his hands on his hips as she stood still before him as well with her arms crossed over her ribcage. An uncomfortable silence hung over them. He watched her – watched the soft tears continue to fall from her eyes and glide down her cheeks, watched how she purposely avoided making any eye contact with him, and watched the way her fingers were practically digging into her sides. He took a slow, cautious step closer to her. She didn't move; she didn't look up at him. He took another step and then another. Nathan stopped short, though, when she suddenly walked into him. Her arms circled around his waist and bended so the backs of her hands were gripping his shoulders. She buried her face into his chest, crying harder than seconds ago. He closed his eyes and wrapped his own arms around her shoulders. Nathan lowered his head and kissed the top of hers.
"I'm sorry." He apologized.
She shook her head but said nothing.
"I didn't...I completely forgot they were coming. I'm sorry about Clay and the press. I just...I'm so sorry."
"Please stop." Haley whispered. "Stop apologizing. Please."
He didn't have a chance to respond because a second later, her lips were on his. Caught off guard, it took him a moment to respond. She only kissed him harder, pushing her body into his; he stumbled back but was quick to plant his feet to the carpet underneath them. Once his stance was secure, he cupped her cheeks and then slanted his head to the left a couple of inches so he could deepen their kiss. Her tongue swiped across his bottom lip, begging for entrance which he was only too obliged to allow. Their mouths opened. His tongue found hers, caressing it with a rapid yet gentle motion. Her fingers were digging into his skin; it almost hurt but her actions spurred him on more than anything. It was so easy to get lost in this...in her...especially since, with the exception of last night, he's been abstinent for two years. All he has wanted is her. Just looking at her got him all hot and bothered.
He couldn't do this, though – not right now. No matter how much he wanted to rip their clothes off, throw her down on that bed, and make love to her again, over and over, he couldn't. His whole family was downstairs, just feet away from them. Now was not the time for this. More than the fact that his family was here, though, was the fact that they needed to talk. He gently pushed her away from him and stepped back himself, creating some much needed space between them. If he spent even one more second kissing her, his self-resolve would completely evaporate and the two of them would be rolling around in that bed, ignoring their obvious issues once again.
"Wait, Hales." Nathan said, trying to catch his breath.
Haley covered her mouth with her right hand. "I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "No, it's...you never have to apologize for...that."
The two smiled softly at one another, both blushing.
"It's just...you had a point earlier." He continued and saw the confusion on her face. "We do have a habit of...well, jumping into bed, and we can't right now. We need to talk."
"Yeah." She agreed and immediately felt the tears stinging her eyes again. "I'm sorry."
Nathan knew she wasn't apologizing for the kiss right now. He watched as Haley covered her face with her hands and sobbed lightly. Taking a step closer to her, he wrapped his arms around her once again and drew her into him. She didn't hesitate in embracing his hug. Her hold on him was tight, almost like she was afraid of letting go. Nathan didn't know if it was wrong that he enjoyed this or not; he enjoyed the obvious need Haley had just to be close to him.
"Hales." His voice cracked slightly and shook his head when she apologized again. "You don't have to apologize."
"Yes, I do." Haley argued, sniffling. "I'm so sorry for running away just now. It seems to be a bad habit of mine. I just...it was too much. With everyone here and that show and...talking about Emma." She whispered that last part. "It was just too much. I couldn't think straight. The look on your mom's face and your brother's words. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I needed to...I needed some quiet. I wasn't expecting them. I wasn't expecting any of this. And now, they're here and everything...it's all out in the open. I know that's a good thing and it...it's long past time for it to come out, but I just..."
"I understand." Nathan quickly interrupted her.
"No, you don't." She countered as she pushed out of her husband's arms. She looked at him, shaking her head adamantly. "It's not just today. It's every day, Nathan. Every day I feel like this. You don't understand."
"Then talk to me, Haley!" He pleaded. "Tell me what you're feeling and what you want!"
Haley flinched at his tone. The look on his face had her averting her gaze, not wanting to stare into those blue eyes of his anymore. Inhaling and exhaling a couple of deep breaths, Haley turned around and slowly walked over to the bed. She lowered down onto the top of the mattress with her legs and feet dangling off the side, staring at the beige carpet as her fingernails picked at the disarranged comforter.
Nathan stared at her, watching her every movement and watching the heavy emotions fluttering across her features.
"Haley, I want to know everything that you're thinking and feeling. I want to know it all. Please talk to me." He prodded when she didn't say anything. "Please, Hales. I'm right here; I'm not going anywhere. There's nothing you could say to me that would ever make me turn away from you. We've been through so much together, and...we didn't handle it right the first time."
"I didn't handle it right." She corrected, still avoiding any eye contact. "I messed everything up."
"Then fix it now." He urged passionately. "Talk to me, Haley."
Nathan waited as patiently as he could, but he wasn't sure she was ever going to say anything. After another silent minute, though, Haley finally began to speak.
"My parents left me when I was fifteen."
"I know this, Hales. I don't..."
"Nathan, let me say this. Please." Haley interrupted, finally glancing up at him. When he nodded, she continued. "My parents left when I was only fifteen. I grew up in a house filled with love and happiness. I mean, we had our bad times like any other family in this world, but we were close. There was never a day that went by where I felt unloved or unhappy; I never had the urge to run away from home like so many others have had at least once during their years at home. And my parents...they were amazing. Quirky and funny and loving. They were my role models in so many ways; they were who I wanted to be whenever I grew up and had kids of my own. I honestly thought they were perfect. But then they left. I loved them so much, and they just left like I didn't matter to them at all."
Nathan nodded, wanting to bitterly mumble "I wonder how that feels" but refrained. Nathan knew she needed to get this all out.
"I...gosh, I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was a Saturday morning. Clouds filled the darkening by the minute gray sky, and it was clear a downpour was on the verge of erupting. And one did – right after they left. The day was so gloomy and depressing...which was pretty fitting, I guess. I think it was mother nature's way of saying 'F-you, Haley'. And I remember exactly how I felt when I stood in that driveway and watched them peel away in that stupid RV of theirs as they drove...basically out of my life. I feel that every time I see them and talk to them. For so many years, I let it affect me deeper than I should have. With you especially. It took me a long time to trust that you would never leave me like they did. You know that. In my heart, though, I knew that wouldn't be the case with you. I knew that you meant every word you ever said to me – all the 'I love you's' and the promising to always be there...I knew you meant them. That tiny part of my brain that was irrationally telling me not to let you in all the way was...it was slowly dissolving. And when I got pregnant and we got married, I felt...free. I was free from all those doubts. I was so happy, Nathan – happier than I ever felt in my life, and I couldn't wait to share that with everyone. But then..."
"We lost the baby." He whispered, watching as she nodded and choked back some tears. "Those doubts resurfaced?"
"It wasn't really that." She admitted quietly.
"Then what was it?" He prodded when she hesitated.
"I love you, Nathan." Haley declared passionately, staring at him. "I love you more than anything in this world, and the pain that I felt with being away from you hurt worse than anything else I have ever felt. I would take that Saturday again, over and over, before wanting to feel the way I do when I'm away from you. I pushed you away, because I thought it would hurt less. I pretended for so long. I kept telling myself, every day, I would feel better with time. It never went away, though. It got worse. I didn't know what to do. I mean, what was I supposed to do?" She asked desperately.
"Stay!" Nathan exclaimed, causing her to jump slightly. "You were supposed to stay with me!"
"I couldn't!" She cried. "It hurt so much to be around you!"
"Why?" He asked, confused. "Because of Emma?"
"Because I feel guilty, Nathan!"
He stared at her, wondering why she felt guilty. He didn't understand but then, as if something instantly clicked in his brain, he realized she was talking about Emma. She felt guilty about losing Emma. He didn't understand that, though, either. He couldn't understand why she felt guilty for something that obviously wasn't her fault – and they both knew that.
"Haley..." His voiced cracked slightly. "...it's not your fault."
"I know. I just..."
"Obviously you don't know."
She sobbed and, through blurry vision, watched as he walked closer to her as he positioned himself in between her legs. Too exhausted to fight him off, she simply let him pull her body to him. He cupped her cheeks and placed a chaste, lingering kiss over her lips before resting his forehead against hers. She clutched his t-shirt tightly in her hands.
"Haley, it wasn't your fault." Nathan repeated quietly yet sternly.
"She was inside me, Nathan." Haley whispered. "She was living and breathing and growing inside me. And...and she died inside me, too."
"Haley..."
"I just...I feel like I failed you."
He pulled back slightly so he could look at her and asked, "How?"
"You wanted Emma so much. You were so happy – maybe happier than I ever saw you in my life." She began to explain, wiping the fallen tears from her cheeks. "I know...I know the miscarriage wasn't my fault. I do. It's just...I still can't help but feel like I took her away from you. I hated myself for it, and I guess, in the far back of my mind, I was afraid you would as well."
"What?!"
"I know how irrational it is."
"Do you, Hales?" Nathan questioned with a somewhat quipped tone. "You can't possibly know, because that is...it's ridiculous, Haley! I could never blame you for that, and I could never hate you. I...I can't even believe you could ever think I would. Do you really think that little of me?" He asked, hurt by her words.
"No!" Haley was quick to reply. "Nathan, this is not about you! I know you wouldn't...this is about me, Nathan. It's about the way I feel." She paused, shaking her head and closing her eyes. "I can't stop it – feeling this way. And...that's why I ran which..was stupid, and I'm so sorry. I just...I feel that whenever I look at you, whenever I'm near you. All I see is Emma and the pain I caused you."
"God, Haley!" He exclaimed angrily, balling up his fists at his sides as he turned and strolled a couple of steps away from her.
"Nathan, please!" She cried, jumping off the bed as she ran to him. She grabbed his left arm and pulled him harshly back to her, fearful that he was leaving her. "Don't leave. You said you weren't going anywhere."
Nathan glared at her, snatching his arm back as if she had burned him and with an almost growl-like tone said, "I'm not going anywhere, Haley. Unlike you."
Haley nodded slowly, choking back her tears as she quietly said, "I deserve that."
"You're damn straight you do!" He bit out, breathing heavily as his insides felt like they were burning with anger. "Maybe I should leave."
Her eyes cut to his suddenly, tears filling up.
"Maybe then you'd know exactly how I felt waking up that morning and not finding you there with only a lousy note left behind. Then you might feel as horrible as I felt. Maybe you'd know how I felt when you never returned any of my phone calls. When you made me worried sick over you every single day. Maybe you'd know how it felt when I was here – right where we said we'd always be, thinking about you and missing you so much that it hurt. I was here – hating you so much because I love you so much."
"I'm sorry."
Nathan felt his own tears filling up in his eyes as he watched Haley sink down to the carpet, burying her face in her hands as she sobbed. She kept repeating she was sorry over and over, sniffling and trying to catch her breath in between each of her words. Pain shot through him at seeing her like this – so broken. Nathan replayed her words over in his mind. He wanted to hate her – he did. All this time, he finally got the chance to say everything to her that he wanted to say. And he did. But having said them...he didn't feel any better. Despite that she deserved his words and his anger, Nathan hated hurting her. Quickly dropping to the carpet himself, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. Her arms circled around his waist as she leaned her whole body into his. He felt the way her tears lightly wet his t-shirt, and he moved his left hand up to her hair as he gently cupped the back of her head and held it close to his chest. Nathan placed a lingering kiss against the top of her head.
"It's okay." Nathan whispered, reassuringly.
"I'm sorry, Nathan. Please...please don't leave me now." Haley pleaded. "I know I don't deserve it, but...I can't do this without you anymore. I didn't mean it. The divorce papers...I never wanted to give them to you. I just panicked. I'm so sorry. I messed everything up, and I...I just want to take it all back. I made so many mistakes and leaving you...it was the biggest one."
"We both made mistakes, Haley."
"No, it was me. It was all me."
"It's not all on you." Nathan assured. "You ran away. That was your mistake – of not trusting us, trusting in our relationship and in me apart from the baby. But I made a mistake, too. I made the mistake of not chasing after you. I should have went after you, Hales. I have no excuse, because I knew where you were. Instead of sitting around and waiting for you, I should have went to you. I'm sorry, too."
"I love you, Nathan. I don't want to lose you."
"You aren't gonna lose me; I'm right here. We're gonna be okay, because...God, I love you, too."
The two of them remained in that position for several minutes – how many actually passed by, they weren't sure.
"I went to the cemetery a few nights ago." Haley whispered.
Nathan pulled back an inch so he could look at her. "You did?"
She nodded, smiling softly as he wiped away the tears from her face. "Yeah. I, umm...I've been going to therapy." She revealed and saw the surprise in his features. "Taylor kind of...well, she yelled at me and kind of knocked some sense into me."
They both chuckled.
"She was right, though. I needed it, and it felt...oh, it felt really good to talk to someone. To talk to someone who doesn't know me." Haley continued to explain as Nathan simply listened. "I didn't make it easy for my therapist, but I guess she's used to that with her other patient's, too. She said a lot of things that made sense, and she actually really helped me."
"That's good." Nathan said.
"I probably wouldn't have found the strength to go out to see Emma if it hadn't been for her. I probably wouldn't even be here now if it wasn't for her."
"Well, maybe I should send her a gift of thanks then." He said, smirking as they both laughed again.
A comfortable silence fell over them.
"I miss her." Haley whispered.
"Your therapist?" Nathan questioned, confused.
"No." She said, letting out a small laugh before growing serious once more. "Emma. I miss Emma."
Smiling softly, he nodded while brushing some fallen hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear. "I know. I do, too."
"I think about her all the time." She looked at him with tears in her eyes and smiled. "She'd probably be walking by now. Actually, with our luck, she would be running all over the place and making us chase her everywhere."
"Probably." He agreed, laughing along with her.
"I wonder what she'd look like now."
"Emma would have looked like you. Just like she did when she was born."
Haley smiled brightly. "You think so?"
"Of course." Nathan replied. "She'd have your naturally wavy, brown hair and your big, brown eyes and your delicate, pale features. Emma would have been so incredibly beautiful. Just like you."
Haley looked away, blushing and then sighed sadly. "I just want to see her again."
Nathan gently pried his body away from his wife, reassuring her he would be right back, as he crawled over to the bed. Reaching underneath, he pulled out their photo album before moving back to his previous spot. Sitting beside Haley, Nathan wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her body back into his.
"What's this?" She asked, wiping a couple of tears away as she looked at the cover and immediately recognized it as the photo album she had started when finding out she was pregnant.
He opened the album and flipped all the way towards the back. "Here."
Haley gazed over the photos of Emma – the only photos they had of her. Tears stung her eyes again as she brushed her fingertips slowly over the glossy pictures. She never saw these pictures; she couldn't bring herself to look at them before now. A smile formed on her lips as Haley stared at them.
"She really is beautiful, isn't she?"
"Yes."
She sighed and shook her head as she said, "I want to get over it and move on, but..."
"We're never going to completely get over it, Hales." He interrupted her and then gently forced her to look at him. "Emma...she's a part of us. We would have loved her with all our hearts. We do love Emma with all our hearts."
"I just...I'm angry that we lost her. Do you not feel that?"
"Of course I do. But it happened, Hales. We didn't know it was going to happen nor did we cause it to happen. Everything that day was out of our control. I don't understand why it happened to us, but there's nothing we can do about it now. As much as it hurts and as much as I want to kick and scream...what's the point? I don't want to...I can't keep dwelling on those negative feelings."
"I don't want to either." She admitted. "But I...I don't know how not to."
"We do it together." Nathan said as he closed the photo album and set it down on the carpet beside him. He twisted his body so they were facing one another again and leaned forward, kissing her forehead. Nathan then clasped their hands together and kissed their joined knuckles before resting them in his lap. "That day will always be with us, Hales. That heartache...it will always be there, but it doesn't have to control us. We both need to move forward; putting the past behind us doesn't make us bad people. We aren't forgetting Emma – we will always remember our daughter and think about what might have been, but we can't focus on that either. We just can't. It will tear us apart – as a couple and as individuals, and I honestly believe that neither of us can go on any longer without...this closure."
"You should be a therapist." Haley commented after a couple of seconds, smirking at him. "You could give my therapist a run for her money."
"That was pretty good, wasn't it?" He teased, making them both laugh.
After her laughter subsided, she looked up at him and stared deep into his eyes. "You're right. I do want to get over it, Nathan." She shook her head as a tear strolled down her cheeks. "I don't think I can do that without you. I need you so much."
"I need you, too."
"I'm so sorry. Gosh, we wasted so much time."
"Shhh..." Nathan hummed, moving forward slowly to place a tender kiss over her lips. "None of that matters anymore, Hales. All of the bad stuff that happened between us...it's over and done with. Honestly, I wouldn't change it either, because it led us here – to this moment. We're together now, and that is all that matters."
Haley smiled boisterously. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Nathan replied.
The two leaned forward simultaneously, his hands cupping her cheeks as her arms wrapped around his stomach, as they met in a kiss.
"We're gonna burn those damn divorce papers." He mumbled against her lips.
Her body shook with laughter and nodded. "Can I do the honor?"
"We'll do it together."
"That sounds perfect."
There you go. Please let me know what you think. I hope nothing felt too rushed or out of place. Don't worry, there's still more to come (with the family and with Naley).
I hope to have another update for you guys soon. I changed some things around with the chapters. Just to give you a little update, there are three more chapters and then this story will be all wrapped up.
Random AN: It's fun to see how many Chicago PD fans there are! Since I'm all caught up, I got to watch it last night (finished this chapter up in the process). It was such a good episode! This is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows (especially since I think Grey's Anatomy is really bad this season), and I am loving that we're getting more insight into all the characters. I have to say real quick...is anyone else thinking that guy (can't remember his name right now) who got switched to be taught a lesson and the girl (can't remember her name either right now) he was with were kind of super adorable?! I know he's engaged, but since the first episode, I never felt that his heart seemed really into it. And we don't know much about his fiancé right now for me to say I want him to stay with her. Anyway, really excited for next week's episode!
forhimonly67: First off, congratulations on getting accepted into graduate school! I'm sure that's exciting! I've only been to Madison a handful of times, but I've really enjoyed it. I've been there in both the cooler times and the warmer times, and I really liked them both.
rocklesson86: I've been wanting to start Chicago Fire, but I haven't been able to sit down and really watch it. I have a couple of friends who enjoy it and think I might as well. One of these days, when I have an empty house again, I am going to try to watch it from Netflix. Do you know if the episodes are available from Netflix? Wasn't Sophia in an episode or two of that show as well? I thought I had heard that somewhere.
