Chapter 54: June 10th

Peeta


A day passed since he'd kissed her. Then two days. On the third day, Peeta began doing what he seemed to do best: he began second guessing himself.

He probably shouldn't have grabbed Katniss and attacked her like he had, but what other choice did he have? They were apart and he was miserable. Grabbing her outside of her cabin had made sense at the time, but now….now in the light of day he wasn't sure. They'd exchanged tentative but flirty glances throughout what Effie had dubbed 'Camp Panem Glorification Period', or what Haymitch simply called, 'work week'. Every day he spent mowing grass, panting siding, trimming hedges, and doing whatever else Effie ordered – all the while thinking about Katniss and that kiss. He thought about their talk at the docks too, but honestly that was all a blur. All he could think about was the way her lips felt against his and how good it had felt to push the talking aside and just act.

She'd apologized for breaking up with him several months before – she'd sounded sorry, like the whole thing had been one big, spiraling mistake. Which was definitely how he viewed it. But she'd looked remorseful and sincere and awkward and just so much like herself that it was endearing. She hadn't sounded like herself that rainy spring night several months ago in her mother's driveway. He had driven to her house to pick her up on the last night of his spring break and they had eaten an awkward dinner with his parents before he took her back home. She'd been riled up at some passive aggressive comment his mother had made about her not getting her scholarship and the rest of the evening had passed on pins and needles. It was one of the worse nights of his life.


He put the car in park, letting it idle in her mother's driveway. He had to go back to school the next day, but her spring break was just beginning. Which sucked. It would have been nice to have an entire twelve day vacation to spend together, but that was yet one more joy of going to two different schools.

Peeta glanced over at her, watching her side profile in the dark car. The windows were fogging up slightly from their warm breaths against the cool night air – so far spring had been slow coming.

He just wanted summer – he wanted to be with her every day, see her at camp with her summer tan and hear her voice – not just over the phone.

"I can't believe you told your mom the whole story," Katniss finally muttered, picking at her cuticles. She sighed angrily. "That was so embarrassing, Peeta."

"Why? Why was it embarrassing?"

"You mom just….she brought up the fact that I didn't get the scholarship. At dinner!"

"She was just…making conversation," Peeta insisted. He'd told his mother about Katniss efforts to get straight A's that semester in an attempt to assure his mother he wasn't letting his schooling fall to the wayside as an effect of his relationship with Katniss. His mother was constantly harping at him to study as hard and as much as he could and not let other 'distractions' get in the way of his future. That wasn't the case and he knew it – his weekend visits and late night phone calls with Katniss were a motivator, if anything. He wanted to do well in school so that Katniss would be proud of him and want to be with him. She pushed him to work harder – he wanted to be worthy of the girl that would get straight A's just to be closer to him. He'd also been confiding in his mother as well, hoping to let her know that Katniss' character was something that set her apart from other girls. Of course the two of them got along, but his mother had a cold way of subtly reminding him that she thought her son could do better when it came to girlfriends, but Peeta didn't care. He just wanted the two most important women in his life to get along.

"She didn't mean to bring it up to embarrass you, she was just wondering about… whether or not you'd be going to my school in the fall-"

"-She wanted to point out that I didn't make it. That I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough to get the grades to get into your school and I wasn't good enough for you."

"That's not what she was saying, Katniss. My mom….my mom would find something wrong with anything, that's just…the way she is. She's always been like that – nothing is ever right to her. She's…nitpicky."

"I got the memo," Katniss snapped. "She's never liked me. Tonight just solidified that in my mind. I'll never be good enough for her son."

"Katniss…"

"Peeta, she's right. I busted my ass last semester to try to get that scholarship and I failed. I'm a failure."

"You are not."

"I am too. Why did I ever think I was going to get that? What made me think things were actually going to work out and I was going to get what I want? That never happens," she sighed, leaning against the car door.

Peeta stared forward, not sure how to react. Katniss had been like this since January – ever since she'd not gotten he grades she'd needed, she'd been one ball of self-deprecating negativity. It wasn't hard to tell why – she'd wanted to transfer to be with him and it just hadn't happened. It sucked, sure, but…he didn't think it was the end of the world like she did. Summer was almost there and soon they would see each other every day at camp. He didn't understand what the issue was but Katniss couldn't seem to get past it.

"I hate this," she sighed.

"What?"

"Feeling like I disappointed you."

"You didn't."

"Oh, so you don't want me to be with you?"

"Of course I do, Katniss, that's not what I'm saying, I-"

"Just say it Peeta, say it. If you don't' want me to transfer, then just admit it!"

"I never said that, I never said I didn't want-"

"It's obviously not going to happen-"

"-Would you stop saying that? If you have that attitude of course it's not going to happen, if you just-"

"I can't do this anymore, I….I just hate all this pressure, this bullshit pressure to just…I can't."

"What are you saying, Katniss? I've never pressured you to change or to transfer-"

"Peeta, that's crap! You do it all the time! I can't…I can't deal with this anymore. I need for it to just stop for just one fucking second…I need….I just want a break from it all."

"From what? What are you saying, Katniss? Am I part of the problem, or...or…"

"From what? From this, this constant bubble of pressure and studying and existing and just….life! I want to take a break."


Someone coughed, breaking him out of his trance. That night in his car several months ago had replayed in his mind over and over since it happened. How could he have let that happen? He wasn't sure. Sometimes it felt like a dream. Like a bad dream he couldn't wake up from. Katniss had been too hard to talk to after that – she almost hadn't wanted to even look at him or hear him talk after she'd declared she needed a break from it all. She'd gotten out of the car, closing the door softly before disappearing into her mother's dark house. He'd driven home after that and climbed into his bed at home to stare up at the ceiling. Finally close to 2am, he'd gotten a text from her.

I'm sorry. I can't be myself right now and be what you need.

He'd sat up in bed and stared at the words on the screen.

I don't need anything. Just you. But I love you and I'll give you what you need – if that's a break, then I'll leave you alone.

He'd held his breath until she'd responded next.

We will talk at camp. I need to focus on school. Thank u for understanding.

He jumped when Gale tapped his arm with the bottle of coca cola. Effie was droning on and on about how the campers would be there soon – she liked to have them meet for nightly huddles by the flagpole to go over the progress of that day's work and the work they still had yet to do before the campers arrived in a few short days. Everyone was standing around, looking hot and bored and sweaty as they all silently pleaded for her to just shut up. The whiskey helped. Peeta smirked before taking a rather long pull of it, trying not to wince at the taste of the cheap whiskey Gale seemed to favor spiking his Cokes with.

"Where did you learn to drink this stuff?" he whispered, wiping his mouth.

Gale didn't look away from Effie, feigning that he was paying attention to her speech.

"Old man used to drink it. Was always a fan of Black Velvet," he snickered. "Whiskey of champions."

"Hey, pass that down," Thom pleaded quietly, ducking behind Cato's tall head. Peeta took another pull of the heavily spiked Coke and passed it down the line to Thom, swatting at a mosquito as it buzzed around his head. He hadn't even been back at camp a week and he had more mosquito bites than he did fingers and toes. He was glad he'd thought to bring more calamine lotion that year than the year before.

"Someone's flagging ya," Gale whispered, elbowing Peeta's side. Glancing over, he realized Katniss was discretely waving at him from behind Effie as she yapped about the importance of mowing straight lines in the fields.

He frowned as she tried to mouth something to him. She was trying to do it surreptitiously so that no one would notice, her mouth moving in silent words. She mouthed something to him but he didn't catch it. Peeta glanced at Gale in question. Gale just shrugged and took another pull from his Coke bottle.

What? He silently asked.

Soccer field, she mouthed. Katniss pretended to scratch her ear as he watched her behind the rest of the group. Her grey eyes moved around the circle of camp counselors as they listened to Effie's end of the day speech. Everyone looked hot, bored, and tired – and most importantly, no one was paying any attention to her.

Time? He mouthed.

Nine, she answered.

He nodded subtly, hoping no one saw that. They'd been to the soccer field to fool around many a time last summer, but he doubted that was what she was getting at. He hoped, but he doubted.

Effie finally finished up her speech, clapping triumphantly.

"Wonderful day, camp counselors! We'll get this little mountain shaped up and ready for campers in no time. Now, all together," she urged, waving her arms enthusiastically at them. Peeta sighed, trying not to look too bored as he repeated the camp's mantra with Effie. A chorus of unamused voices droned along with her high pitched squeal of 'Panem today, Panem tomorrow, Panem forever!"


He snuck out of his cabin a little earlier than nine. He wiped his mouth and checked his breath – he smelled like whiskey still, but he didn't think Katniss would mind. The liquid courage from Gale was appreciated even though he was far from drunk. His hands shook slightly as he made his way up towards the soccer fields. A slight detour past Effie's cabin ensured she was asleep – the lights were low and he was sure she was exhausted from a hot day of running around and chanting the camp mantra at them for motivation. A little slinking around the main hall found him Haymitch, who was drunkenly squinting at a fishing magazine by the light of a mosquito lantern while sipping his flask in a hammock behind his cabin. It wouldn't be long before he was out like a light, Peeta guessed.

Satisfied, he made a loop back toward the open field where he'd promised to meet Katniss. Looking around, he tried to make sure no one had spotted him sneaking around the camp after dark. He missed his cell phone he'd had to surrender on the first day – texting her would have been so much easier than just hoping no one saw them arranging their date to meet on the field at nine.

Whatever, he thought. If someone saw them, they saw them. What did he care of someone spied them together? Maybe it was the fact that it was finally summer, maybe it was the whiskey, or maybe it was just because he missed her so damn much. Either way he was finished behind cautious and caring what anyone thought or what they knew about them.

He just wanted Katniss back.

Jamming his hands into the pockets of his basketball shorts, he ambled onto the darkened soccer field. The wide expanse of sky twinkled with so many stars it almost made him dizzy to look at for too long. He loved being up there – the fresh air, the wide open spaces, and the smell of pine and freshly cut grass put him at ease. He'd associated Camp Panem with good things for so long. He was ready to have that feeling again.

Turning, he watched the outline of Katniss' form walk onto the field. She ambled towards him, her braid swinging slightly at her side as she made her way out to the middle to meet him.

"Hey," she said softly. The starlight allowed him to see a brief glimpse of her smile.

"Hey," he offered back.

There was an awkward silence.

"Am I in trouble?" He asked, giving her a grin.

"What? For what?"

"The other night. Sorry if people on breaks don't do that."

"What? Talk?" she was clearly confused.

"No," he laughed. "Attack each other. Kiss."

She smirked. He realized she was barefoot as she stood there in the grass, her jean cut off shorts and worn, navy blue t-shirt making her look beautiful and yet effortless at the same time. Even in the dim light he could see the way her already olive skin was steadily turning bronzed in the few days she'd been back at camp.

"I wasn't really upset," she admitted, hooking her thumbs into the belt loops.

"Yeah?" he teased. "What were you then?"

She laughed and looked away. "Why did you do that Peeta?" she chuckled. "I was awful to you that night in your driveway and then you come back here and kiss me like that?"

Peeta shrugged. "We said our apologies. We talked it through. We're here. We promised to talk once we got here, but I guess I…I figured we'd talked enough," he said honestly. He felt like honesty was zipping through his veins. Then again, maybe that was Gale's whiskey talking again.

Katniss was quiet for a moment, her face twisted into a smirk. A tree frog squawked in the distance. Another answered it, joining the already singing crickets as they stood there on the field.

"Maybe we have, maybe we haven't. Are you still upset with me?"

He shrugged. "Depends I guess."

"On what?"

Peeta sighed, glancing up at the sky. The night felt so peaceful, yet on the inside he was a tumultuous mess.

"On how long you want to play things like this. This 'break', or whatever it is. It doesn't make a bit of difference to me what you want to call it really."

"Peeta…"

He looked back at her and sighed. "It doesn't, Katniss. It doesn't matter. Because I still feel for you what I did before that night and I'm pretty sure you do too. So you didn't get it. So what? Fifty miles doesn't make an ounce of difference to me, Katniss. I'd drive it twice a day to see your face if I had to. People break up every day, and for much more senseless reasons than we did. It doesn't make any difference anymore Katniss. Not to me it doesn't."

"It wasn't senseless," she interjected, her face growing serious. "I cared for you and I didn't feel like…at the time, I could…be what you needed. Ever since we met last summer I promised myself that I would be good to you because you deserved it and you're one of the best people I'd ever met. You have the kindest heart I…" she stopped to take an emotional breath, "you should be with someone that can love you and treat you as wonderful as you treat them. That's just how you are. I didn't' feel like I could be that person for you at the time and….and it was a mistake."

"So why then? Why do it?"

"That wasn't fair for you, Peeta. I wanted to be fair to you because you'd been so good to me."

"Fair?" he sighed. "It didn't feel fair. It felt miserable. But I'm past it. It doesn't matter to me anymore."

"It should though."

Peeta gave a frustrated laugh. "Why are you not willing to let this go? I'm ready to forfeit."

"Because it's important to me that you understand why I did what I did. It feels wrong for you to just…I don't know, just let me off the hook so easily. I didn't do that to you from a bad place, from a mean place. I did it because I cared and I'm stupid and I do and say mean shit when I'm backed into a corner. I know that about myself and you can't deny it."

"You're not stupid," he argued.

The crickets chirped around them as they stood in the middle of the soccer field, staring at each other.

"But what I said was. And I don't want you to just push it aside and say everything is okay because you miss me. You miss what we had. What I said to you and how I acted wasn't okay. It was far from it. I won't let you forget that and forgive me just because you're a kind person who doesn't like conflict."

"And you do?"

"No," she answered firmly. "I hate it. But you're too quick to forgive."

He snorted. "So now you're angry because I'm too forgiving?"

She sighed exasperatedly. "No, Peeta. I want you to not just forget the way I hurt you. I haven't forgiven myself and I know you haven't either. I can see it when you look at me."

"You see what?"

"That you miss me, and that…that I hurt you."

"So then don't hurt me. Don't do this anymore. Just be with me, and earn back my trust and I'll give you the slow, fight-for-it forgiveness you deserve, even though you don't think you do. Will that work? Shit Katniss, I don't know what you want from me anymore. I just want to love you again….the way I'm supposed to."

She gave him a miserable look, her eyes laced with sadness in the darkness.

"I…I just want to deserve it the next time you say that you love me," she sighed, wiping her eyes with her hands. She sniffed and he realized she was crying.

Peeta gave an exasperated little laugh. Katniss Everdeen was almost more than he could handle but he would never stop trying, he realized. If he could ever convince this girl that she deserved the way he felt about her it would be too soon.

Stepping forward, he pulled her into his arms and into a tight hug. He could smell her Dove soap and green apple shampoo as he embraced her. She was stiff at first, but after a few moments and squeezes he felt her relax into him and bury her face against the front of his t-shirt. Within seconds it felt like they were one again.

"Peeta…" she sniffed again, her arms hugging him desperately. "I missed you."

He fought his own urge to cry as he held her. It felt like it had been years since he'd felt her body molded so tightly with his own.

"Katniss," he whispered into her hair, "I love you. And if I have to spend the rest of my life proving to you that you deserve it, then so be it."


While every else is watching the Super Bowl, I decided to spend this snowy day writing! Hope you enjoyed it kids - I think the next chapter his shaping up to be the last one. I might write an epilogue, but I'm not sure yet - would you want to see that?

Hope everyone is having a great day - Happy February! Thanks for reading and please review! *MUAH*