A/N: Sorry this is late, but trigger warning for gore/suffocation and a panic attack in the Spring section. Stay safe!
-Kendal Beck, Victor of the 84th Annual Hunger Games-
It's hard… Letting go.
I'm finally at peace, but it feels wrong.
Slow, I'm getting up.
My hands and feet are weaker than before.
-The Return Home- Three days after the end of the Games-
I stare out the window as the world whizzes by.
We're on our way home.
Home, with my friends and family, where I belong. I can't help but feel like a stranger. District 7 doesn't only have Agata, Aunt Linnette, my parents, it also has Andy. I'm sure she's suffering. It's barely been 72 hours and I'm already heading home.
I feel nervous. Hollow. A bit numb. All I know is that I'm dreading going back. Who knows if my loved ones will even want to see me? I'm not the same person they said goodbye to. I start to quiver a little bit as visions of the hell I've lived through start to come back.
I snap out of it when I feel a light touch on my back, and Cobra snaps me out of it.
"Aren't you excited to get back there?" they ask.
I swallow hard. "No. I don't want to."
"It's your home. You've brought them a lot of pride."
"Riella would have brought them more."
"Nonsense." Their cat-like eyes are lit up with excitement for me that I just can't seem to mimic. I just feel waves of anxiety, pushing at my throat. "As soon as your Victory Tour is over six months from now, I'm being promoted."
"Wait, really?"
They hold up a piece of paper confirming it and beam at me.
"Congratulations!" I give my escort a hug. I really am happy for them.
"I wouldn't have had the courage to get out without your help," they say quietly. "Thank you. That's something nobody else could have done. Nobody else but you."
"Well, I had the best mentor behind me."
"Oh, stop it." They're still smiling. They're here to remind me that there's a reason I won. True, I don't feel ready to go home. I'm not sure if they'll accept me for who I am now. But I have to be honest with them. I have to be honest with the world.
The train starts to slow down and Cobra claps their hands. "Oh, yes, we're here!"
I swallow a lump in my throat. I'm pretty sure nobody would be excited if I ran off the stage sobbing. I have to be strong. The doors open and my only thought is, I don't want to go out there.
"District 7, your Victor of the 84th Hunger Games… Kendal Beck!"
I swallow hard and look behind me. Cobra gives me a nod. "I'll see you soon."
I nod a little bit and take a step out on the stage.
The applause practically sends me backwards. I have no idea why they're clapping. I immediately start looking for my family. It's not hard to find Agata, she's already shoving people out of her way on her way to the very front. I can hear her screams above everyone else's. Soon, I can't take it, I dash down the stairs and run to the center of the stage, where she launches into a flying tackle hug and sends us to the ground.
She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't have to. She's crying a little bit, clutching me tightly.
"I missed you," she says through tears. "I'm never letting go again."
I laugh a little bit and bury my face in her neck. We stay like that for a while, before she finally reluctantly lets me go and helps me up. I run straight to Aunt Linnette, who picks me up and spins me around, laughing. "I knew you could do it!" she says happily. "I told you, didn't I!?"
"You did," I say, barely trying to hold back my tears. She kisses my temple and sends me off to my parents. I hug both of them at once, making a huddle.
"We're so proud of you," my father says. I can't even respond by now, I'm crying too hard. My mother cries with me, sympathy tears, tears of joy, who knows? I'm so glad to be back with them. The District starts a banquet, the first of the food that's going to be given to them.
Agata stays tight by my side all meal long. She doesn't let go of my hand the entire time, as people come up to congratulate and thank me. Soon, some of the District's musicians start to play, and everyone is dancing and laughing together. It's truly amazing. Agata keeps making comments about the pretty girls, but doesn't want to talk to them even when I offer to be a wingman for her. Instead, she takes me by the hands and drags me out to dance with her to the music. I allow myself to have some laughter, to smile and enjoy being with her.
After all, I won to be back here. Things almost feel normal.
Almost.
All afternoon people are coming up to talk to me. A group of District 7 Victors welcome me to their ranks. Johanna slaps me on the back and tells me that maybe I'm not such a softie after all. Adler and Heather are nowhere to be seen, but that's how I want it. Maybe I'll talk to them after they learn some basic decency.
One particular moment is when a little child in a dress comes bounding over. They have short brown hair and olive skin, and big, dark green eyes.
"You're Kendal Beck!"
"That's me. This is my friend Agata. What's your name?"
"I'm Joss! Gilchrist." They hold out a plate and a pen to me. "Can you sign this pretty please!?"
I smile a bit. "Yeah, of course." I take the pen and exchange a look with Agata. "You'll have to excuse my horrible autograph. I've never… Even dreamt of signing anything before."
"That's okay!"
I sign the plate and hand it back to them. "I love your dress."
"Thanks! My Mama bought it for me! A lot of people say that boys shouldn't wear dresses, but Mama let me have one." He spins around cheerfully.
"Joss!" A girl that looks closer to our age approaches.
"Sorry about him-"
"It's really no problem." I smile. "After all, I won to inspire people."
"Thanks for your time, though. He's just-"
"What's your name?"
There's a pause. "Jordan."
"It's nice to meet you Jordan." I shake her hand. "This is my best friend Agata."
They exchange greetings.
"No worries about the whole time thing. I've got plenty of it, after all."
"Oh… Well-"
"Have you tried the food yet? It's amazing."
"We were just going to meet our older brother Bryson there now. He wouldn't want to miss Joss's new-food faces."
"It was nice talking to you! Enjoy that now!"
"Thank you so much!" Joss says, eyes still a bit wide.
I ruffle his hair. "If anyone ever tries to tell you that boys don't wear dresses, tell them a Victor said that of course they do. And if anyone tries to tell you who you are, tell them that you get to decide that for yourself."
"Thank you so much!" He rushes off to find her brother, and Jordan gives us one last "Thanks again" before dashing off after him.
This is why I won.
And this is only the beginning of what I want to do.
~.~.
-The Victory Tour- Six months after the Games-
"Just one more District before we arrive at the Capitol!" Cobra says happily.
They've been scrutinizing my stylists, trying to make sure everything was right. People have been saying that they've never seen Cobra invest so much into a tribute, but what can I say? Kindness is rewarded with kindness. If there's anything I've learned, it's that.
They work hard to make me look well-rested. Watching it was just as bad as I thought it would be. But, the outside was pretty much the same as it had been, just with a new power-hungry bastard on top of the pyramid. Nothing like the bloodshed I expected to face. Things have been surprisingly calm. I haven't seen Andy at all since getting back home. I decided to wait to seek her out, give her some time to heal. I think that's what all of us need. Time.
The speech is just as hard to make as I expected. Luckily, the worst has already passed. I take the flowers from a smiling little girl and try to ignore the fact that they think I'm some kind of hero. They romanticize me for all the wrong reasons.
Things don't get really interesting until after it's over, though. The District applauds, and I tear my eyes away from Callum's grandfather as I exit the stage.
"You have to let him come with me," someone was saying. I quickly approach, not ready to be pawned off without having a say in it.
"Excuse me?"
"Oh yes! See?" She grabs me by the ear.
"Ow! Hey!"
"Release him!"
"Allow me to clarify. Y'know that chocolate company that has labels all over the District? Yeah, that's my father. Let me take him."
"Excuse me, but I believe I get a say here-"
"I'm Inverness Stowers. As in, the Stowers."
Stowers. Oh God, she looks just like him. I had forgotten about that. Well as much as someone like me can forget something, that is. I've been so overloaded lately that I haven't had time to think about silly stuff like that.
They clear out of her way.
"Have him back in exactly ten minutes," Cobra says, looking at me protectively.
"Okay, but that means we're gonna have to run!" She drags me forward, and I stumble after her.
"So, um, I-"
"Shut up and keep up! We have ten minutes to find Gravity!" She keeps going and I dash after her, a small grin breaking across my face. It's like a game. I haven't played a game in months.
Inverness kicks the door of a large house open and runs in. I follow her, trying not to laugh. Is this a bit ridiculous? More than a bit. But I haven't been allowed to run free in so long.
"Gravity!" Inverness shouts.
I enter the living room and stop short. He's there, on the couch. He's nothing but a head popping out of a pile of blankets.
It's quite a surreal moment. It must be weird to have a total stranger walk in on you when you look so… Adorable.
"...Hello." I finally speak words.
"Hello…"
"Hey, you found him! Good work!" Inverness appears again. "Don't underestimate your twin, Gravity. I'm capable of amazing things." She disappears.
"You wanted to volunteer, didn't you?"
"Yeah. And I didn't." He scowls and hides in his blankets.
"I'm glad you didn't."
He looks up at me. "And why's that?"
"Because you're awfully cute."
His whole face goes red and he hides under the blanket again, causing me to laugh. I bet I'm pretty red too. Flirting has never really been a strong point.
"You're cuter than me. I can't do anything. Can't even volunteer without being shown up."
"I'm sure volunteering wasn't the only thing you could do."
"What the hell else is there!? I'm fucking stupid, I'm not smart enough to be a businessman."
"You don't have to be a businessman."
"Success. Money, wealth, success. That's what'll make my parents proud."
"I'm sure that's not true." I lightly touch his shoulder.
"I'm sure it is. I'm sure you know nothing about me."
"Well I'm not going to be able to learn much in the ten minutes I have, but maybe you could give me a call and we could talk some more?"
There's a long silence.
"You're serious?"
"Sure. You struck my interest. I'd like to get to know you. Maybe we could schedule lunch sometime. Y'know, once all this hype has died down."
He takes a piece of paper off out of his notebook and writes ten digits on it. He hands it to me without a word.
"You shouldn't waste your time on me."
"It's not a waste. You have a whole future ahead of you. You just can't see that yet."
"Sure."
"We have to get you back!" Inverness says quickly. "I'll be killed if I don't have you back just in time."
"You definitely will be," I say, laughing a bit. "Cobra's fierce when it comes to punctuality."
"C'mon!"
"Call me," I say to Gravity, before I turn around and follow Inverness as she runs back to the Square.
~.~.
-Autumn, One year after the Games-
"See this one? It's oak. Oak is the common name for many acorn-producing trees and shrubs that are members of the beech, family. They're members of the genus Quercus. Did you know that that word Quercus was taken from a word of a different language that meant, 'fine tree?'"
"How do you know so much?" When I turn around, Gravity isn't behind me anymore. He's laying on the ground, staring up at the beautiful blue autumn sky. He looks great in that peacoat and the navy and white striped scarf. He always says I'm adorable all bundled up, but I don't think he's looked into a working mirror when he's all dressed up for autumn.
Since he became the mayor of District 1, we've started splitting our time in half. Half of the time we live in 1, the other half in 7. Maybe it's not ideal, but I need to be with him. In a world of craziness and nightmares, he's the only thing that remains stable. I know that he's always going to be there for me.
"My Mom read me a lot of books about trees when I was a kid. She wasn't around much, too busy with her work preserving 7's woods, and that was her way to explain why it was important that she was gone."
"So you've said."
"You keep asking. Now are you going to get up or just lay there?"
"Mmph."
I laugh a little bit. Honestly, my boyfriend is such a puppy sometimes. I lay down next to him and lay my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around me and makes a satisfied noise.
"Babe, you know that we can't nap here on the forest floor, don't you?"
"Mmph."
"I'm serious."
"Hi Serious. I'm Gravity."
I flick him. "Shut up." But I laugh, a rarity nowadays.
"Am I boring you with all my fun facts about trees?"
"I could listen to you talk for centuries."
When I'm talking, it's easier to avoid the nightmares. Something I learned in the Arena that still holds true today. We lay in silence for a while. When I close my eyes, I can hear his heart beating. It's steady and true, his breathing calm and gentle. It's stability. It's peace. It's the only kind of silence I can stand nowadays, though not for too long.
"I keep thinking I see Akiro."
"What happened to him wasn't your fault."
"I was his mentor."
"You couldn't have saved him."
"I could've done something."
"You couldn't have."
"He was so close, Gravity!"
"He fought until the very end. No matter what you sent him, he couldn't have overcome those mutts."
"Then why does it feel like it's my fault?"
"Because everyone needs someone to blame. You keep choosing yourself."
"Because it's my fault that they're dead!"
"It's not."
"Try telling that to Andy."
"You didn't have a choice." He brushes the bangs across my forehead. I bury my face in his chest, hiding in sadness and shame.
"You deserve better than me."
"I couldn't have found anyone better."
I shake my head into his chest. He should find someone better, he deserves someone much better.
"It's true." He strokes my hair softly, and at his touch I feel calm. We both know I'm not going to believe it.
I just close my eyes and listen to his heartbeat. That's what I need right now. The air is crisp, but the sunlight is warm. Gravity keeps breathing, his heart keeps beating. Slow and steady and calm.
My stability.
My peace.
~.~.
A thousand silhouettes,
Dancing on my chest;
No matter where I sleep,
You are haunting me
-Spring, One Year After the Games-
I'm surrounded by darkness.
In the night, I hear the cries of a baby, the sound of gunshots overpowering, the screams of the fallen ringing in my ears. Raoul's song, Wren cooing at the birds, Serafina Anya dancing around, Karima chasing the bunny, Amari's insults, Edgard's screams… They play over and over again, louder and louder, closing in. The deceased tributes emerge from the darkness, all of them dripping blood, singed, destroyed.
"Pull it!"
There's a rope in my hands.
"Pull it!" I don't know where the shout is coming from. All I know is that I have to survive. A thousand voices tell me to pull, but I'm trying to stop myself. I don't want to pull that rope. I don't know what will happen, but I don't want to pull it.
Soon, though, I can't fight it anymore. My body acts on its own, all I can do is stand by and watch as I pull down on the rope that's tied around Riella's neck, lifting her off the ground. She chokes and coughs, begs as her face turns blue for mercy, for a quick death, but I can't put her out of her misery. I have to keep pulling, tighter and tighter, until the skin of her neck breaks and dark, thick blood drips out as she splutters and gasps for air.
The laughter of the others rings in my ears, as the shouts telling me to pull the rope become louder and louder. I try to stop myself from pulling it, trying to end her quickly or even save her life, but I can't do anything to stop myself from drawing out her agony.
"Anything to survive, right Kendal?"
In a flash of darkness, the scene changes. Same rope. Same urge to pull it.
Gravity is choking. I can't stop myself from doing it.
"You have to get HOME! Pull the rope!" I can't stop myself. I pull the rope, I pull it hard, I pull until Gravity is coughing and wheezing and hacking, the wet sounds of him choking as the rope closes off air.
"You have to be a hero, you have to get home, pull the rope!" I am a slave to myself, my body reacting without my permission. I keep pulling.
Just one more.
Just one more to survive.
One more to get home.
I jolt awake and the first thing I see in the dim light of a nightlight are Gravity's eyes, wide and full of concern.
"Kendal?"
I scramble backwards, away from him.
I can't look him in the eyes. I'm going to hurt him, I'm going to kill him, he needs to get away from me, he needs to run away and never come back!
"Are you alright?"
I gasp for air, hiccupping with sobs and quivering as I wipe sweat off of my forehead. "G-Go," I gasp out.
"Breathe with me," he says gently, "Kendal, can you breathe with me?"
"No!" I shout. "I'm going to hurt you!"
"No you're not. Breathe in, see? Breathe in, I'll count to five. Kendal."
"You don't understand what I've done!" I sob into my hands. Everything is my fault. The nightmares are never going to go away. I will always have blood on my hands, I will always be a murderer, I'm going to hurt him, I'm going to kill him and he's going to trust me the whole way through! He moves in closer but I inch back, off of the bed.
"Kendal, you're going to pass out."
"Leave while you can!"
"I'm not going to leave you."
"All I do is hurt people! All I do is kill!" Tears roll down my cheeks and mix with sweat.
"Breathe, alright? You're going to be okay."
Beamer gets up from where he had been sleeping next to the bed and sits next to me. I try to take control of my breathing, clutching the dog tightly. Beamer sits still as I bury my face in his back and try to get ahold of myself.
"I'll be right back, okay?"
I don't respond. Gravity gets up to leave and I stay with Beamer, who licks some of the tears off of my face. This one is a work in progress of Gravity's. Of course the most patient, kind man in all of Panem would be successful training service dogs. He said it'd help me out, and I wasn't sure at first but now I can't imagine what it would be like without Beamer here. He was a rescue, their best guess is that he has Cocker Spaniel and German Shepherd in him. He only has three legs and one eye, but he's the sweetest dog and just what I need. Next year he'll probably be well-trained enough to take to the Capitol with me. Knowing Gravity, it'll barely take a month to get him in ship shape.
I see his silhouette in the door and take a breath.
"Should I turn on a light?"
"Please." My voice is weak when it comes out and I still can't stop shaking. Gravity comes over and offers a hand down to me, which I take.
"Want to talk about it?"
I shake my head.
"You're alright now. I'm here for you. C'mon, let's go to the living room. I made you some hot chocolate."
I nod, still shaking, as he wraps a blanket around my shoulders and helps me down to his little kitchen. Beamer follows, staying at my ankles protectively. When I catch a glimpse at a clock, I notice that's 2:30 in the morning.
"I'm sorry for waking you, Babe-"
"Mm-mm. You're okay."
The fireplace is lit, the radio playing softly in the background. I slump down on the couch and take a mug he hands me with shaking hands. I drink slowly, letting the warmth of it calm me down. Beamer curls up on his favorite chair and goes back to sleep.
"I'm not really okay."
"You're not in danger. I've got you."
"What if I hurt you?"
"You won't."
"What if?"
"We'll deal with if it happens."
"Gravity-"
"I love you, Kendal." He leans over to gently kiss my forehead.
"I love you too," I say quietly. "So much." I rest my head on his shoulder. We sit like that for a while, nothing but the quiet songs of the radio between us.
"You know, when you take me to the Capitol they're going to expect us to dance together," he says quietly.
"Oh. Yeah. I can fake it, usually. But… I've… Never slow-danced before."
"I haven't either. Not for real."
I glance at him as he gets up to take the mugs to the kitchen. When he comes back, he smiles a bit at me.
"Want to go back to sleep?"
I shake my head a bit. "Not yet."
"Then… Can I have this dance?" He holds a hand down to me.
"A…Are you serious? It's 2:45 in the morning, you should go to bed."
"And miss out on an opportunity like this? No way." He reaches over to turn up the radio. "Unless you don't want to…?"
I take his hand. "I'd love to."
I stand up slowly, and wrap my arms around his neck. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close. I bury my face in his chest and take in his scent as I listen to the music and sway with him.
Tears stream,
Down your face,
When you lose something you cannot replace,
Tears stream,
Down your face,
And I…
Tears stream,
Down your face,
I promise I will learn from my mistakes.
Tears stream down your face,
And I…
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you.
"I love you," he says quietly.
"I love you too."
"I want to marry you."
"Wh-What?" I pull off of him and stare up into his eyes. "What?!"
"I-I'm sorry… I was going to ask properly, I-"
"You're… Serious? You want to marry me?"
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I asked your parents and your Aunt and they gave blessings. I know that we're young. I know that we haven't been dating for all that long. But I also know that I can't see myself spending my life with anyone else. But… It can wait, if you're not ready. I'm not going anywhere."
"No, it's… I want to marry you, Gravity! I don't want to be betrothed to anyone else ever." I feel a beam spread across my face, and he gives me gentle kiss.
"I'll ask you again when it's not 3 in the morning."
"Sorry about that," I say, deflating again. "Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like me? I… I can't escape my Games, Gravity. I don't think I'll ever be okay. You deserve to live without me holding you back."
"You don't hold me back. You make me the best version of Gravity there is. It's never a bother. I live to care for you-"
"But there are so many better things you could live for!"
"There are things I can do, sure. But there's nobody else I'd rather devote myself to."
I don't retort. Instead my shoulders just go up and down in a weak shrug.
"I'll stay here until you're ready to go back to bed."
"I'm ready."
As soon as we start walking back to the bedroom, Beamer is following. Gravity picks him up to help out with the stairs, and when we get back to the room, he turns on the nightlight that projects stars onto the ceiling. Gravity climbs into bed and I curl up beside him. I rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.
In the Arena, there were no stars. I find calming peace, looking up at the familiar projection on the ceiling. Gravity's strong arms are wrapped around me, and he breathes peacefully. He's asleep as soon as he closes his eyes. I turn my head to kiss between his eyes gently. I don't know what I did to deserve him.
I'm already there,
I'm already there,
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.
I lay awake looking at the stars.
I may never be able to escape the horrors of the Games. I don't think I'll ever heal fully. Nothing I do will completely eliminate the guilt, the memories, the silhouettes. No matter where I go they'll haunt me.
The guilt will always be there. The remnants of the hell I was put through. I will always remember.
But I have peace.
I have stability. I have a constant in this crazy world. No matter what he'll be here. No matter what he validates me, and loves me, and never lets me go. I'd be the luckiest person alive to marry him.
No matter what the memories bring, no matter what ghosts of the past come up, I know that I'll make it. It doesn't end the pain. I will never be healed. But as long as my Aunt, and Agata, and my parents, and Gravity are by my side, I can do anything.
I try to think of the silhouettes as a good thing. They're around to remind me how much I have at stake. They're here to tell me that I can't give up now. They're here to make sure I'm the best Victor I can be, the best role model I can be, the best son and nephew and friend and fiancé I can be. When I think of them like that, I can sleep at night. It wouldn't be fair to give up now.
I watch the stars until I feel a deep, dreamless sleep wash over me. I feel Gravity breathing calmly and feel safe. I'm going to be alright. I'm going to be the best Victor I can be.
I inhale his scent with a deep breath, and close my eyes peacefully.
~.~.
A/N: Done with an hour and seven minutes to spare!
Here's a big thank you to Jess, AKA Wetstar, for Kendal. Honestly, I wanted him to be Victor from the first time I wrote with him. He's such a sweetheart, and the way you gave his friends and family such life is always amazing. I hope I didn't overshadow them at all on the epilogue. I hope that you enjoyed seeing Kendal and what I did with him, and I hope that you look forward to seeing him make a cameo guest-starring role in whatever stories come next.
So, this is the end. Well, not REALLY the end. After all, I still have a lot of Afterlife!AUs to write and four Districts of chibis to draw still, but of the story this is indeed the end. I can't believe it. Thank you, so much, to every single person that reviewed. Almost 500 reviews on one story!? Honestly so amazing to me. I feel so incredibly blessed to have such loyal readers and friends. I never thought I would have been capable of something this intense and epic. I've learned some important lessons that I will definitely transfer to my next SYOT so that it'll be even better! Honestly, this has been such a (haha, here we go) roller coaster. Overall, though, I couldn't have asked for a better first full SYOT experience. I have fifty-nine whole minutes to be sappy, I could do this all the rest of the day. But, I'll try to keep it short. I appreciate all yinz so much and I'm so glad you joined me for the ride.
Although I never got to really close up the Capitol side of things… But if you want to know their fates the prologue of 96 kind of shows them. Or you can just PM me. If you care. Or maybe I'll mention it in a Danzón prologue. Sorry about that.
OKAY SO I CAN'T JUST FINISH A STORY WITHOUT SCREAMING A LITTLE BIT. I JUST NEVER THOUGHT SOMETHING I WROTE COULD HAVE THIS MANY REVIEWS AND THIS MANY COMPLIMENTS AND I DIDN'T THINK THAT JUST BY WRITING I COULD MEET SO MANY AMAZING NEW PEOPLE AND SEE SO MANY AMAZING AND DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW... I JUST... AGH IT'S SO AMAZING AND I FEEL SO BLESSED TO HAVE MADE YOU ALL FEEL THINGS WITH MY WRITING AND GIVING ME COMMENTS AND SHARING THINGS ABOUT YOURSELVES IN THE REVIEWS AND I REALLY HOPE YOU ALL STICK AROUND BECAUSE I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE MET YOU AND TALKED TO YOU AND THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING.
Phew. Got all THAT sappy shit out.
My last Chapter Question to you is this: What was your favorite part of the story? I don't know if I could pick one, honestly. So if you can't either, then… Top 3. And why? I know, this is a long question. Whatever.
Thank you to each and every submitter, each and every reader, and each and every reviewer. It means the world and I honestly hope that you submit another lovely tribute to my next project, Danzón: The 125th Hunger Games! The form will probably be up by Tuesday or Wednesday, and the first prologue will probably be up by the end of the week!
