Renna took a deep breath as she watched Leliana conferring with one of her agents. She hadn't spoken to the former sister since they had returned from Valence, but what she had seen there worried her. Leliana had acted as though she had no heart. Renna thought that the only reason that Natalie woman wasn't dead was because of her interference. It upset and angered her. She had been trying so hard to make the woman warm up to her, but it seemed it would never happen.

"I'm told Ambassador Montilyet is pleased with the...restraint you showed in Valence." the agent was saying. Renna's ears perked up. She knew it was rude to eavesdrop, but she could not help herself. Leliana rolled her cool blue eyes.

"Ugh. She's positively beside herself. I'll never hear the end of it." she muttered, but there was no heat in it. "Niceness before knives, Leliana! Haven't I always told you?" she added, mimicking their ambassador's brisk accent.

"Will that be all, my lady?" the agent asked. Leliana nodded, noticing Renna at last.

"For now." she said, dismissing him. He bowed his head to her as she entered the platform.

"How have you been feeling since Valence?" Renna asked hesitantly. To her surprise, a wide, beatific smile spread across the woman's face, warmth filling her eyes for the first time since they had met.

"Good. Wonderful. Valence was something of a rebirth for me." she said genuinely. Renna blinked, then returned the smile. She had not been expecting that. "If you hadn't been with me at Valence, I would have killed Natalie. I'd have told you that I didn't have a choice, but there is always a choice. I am more than this. I am more than what Justinia made me." Renna was nodding in agreement by the end of her speech. Leliana appeared to be back on the path.

"Will you still be my spymaster?" she asked as soon as the thought came to her. Leliana snorted with laughter, an unfamiliar but pleasant sound.

"Of course. I would not give up my post, not after everything we've built. I just know now that I shouldn't ignore my heart. Mercy is not always a weakness." she explained. Renna nodded. She had been trying to explain this for over a year now, but as long as the idea stayed with her, she was happy.

"Do you resent what Justinia did?" she asked. Leliana wrinkled her nose.

"How can I when there is so much between us? When she gave her life for peace? No, I believe her intentions were pure. Most intentions are." she admitted.

"You've exceeded her. She could never have imagined the power you now hold." the Inquisitor pointed out.

"And now I know how to use it. I have to stay true to who I really am – before spymaster, Left Hand, or bard. I almost lost myself." she breathed, looking down at the small box on her table. She looked up and smiled, this time Renna didn't hesitate to smile back. "You helped me find my way back. I am in your debt, Inquisitor." she said. Renna shrugged.

"I did what I had to." she said before leaving her alone. She was happy to help. A thought came to her as she strolled through the keep, and a determined look appeared on her face. Her time at Adamant had shown her that life was too short and dangerous to skip out on doing the things you really wanted to do. She grinned mischievously as she realized where her feet were leading her. Thoughts rushed through her head. She was going to go in there, push him back onto his desk, and kiss him like he'd never been kissed. After that, they would tear each others clothes off and make the sweetest love known to man. Her cheeks warmed at the ideas that crossed her mind, her smile widening with each suggestion made by her subconscious. She had never been particularly forward, but now was the time. She did not want to wait any longer. All she wanted was to be with Cullen, and that is what she was going to do. Renna strode into his office without knocking, anticipation filling her, and...he wasn't there. One of his soldiers looked up instead, and she nearly tripped because she was so flustered. Her cheeks reddened in embarrassment. She really hoped the man hadn't noticed.

"If you're looking for Commander Cullen, he was with Cassandra." the soldier said. Renna hoped that her eyes hadn't widened too noticeably.

"Thank you, soldier." she said before darting off to the armory, running as much to escape her shame as she was to reach the man she loved.

"You asked for my opinion, and I've given it." Cassandra's stern voice said from around the corner. Renna saw Cullen pacing before the forge. "Why would you expect it to change?" the Nevarran asked. Cullen looked terrible. He had not looked so worn a few days prior when she had last seen him, and worry filled her.

"I expect you to keep your word." he slurred angrily. If she did not know him better, she would have said he was drunk. "It's relentless! I can't-" he argued.

"You give yourself too little credit." Cassandra said quietly.

"If I'm unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this." he said, his voice sounding clearer than before. Renna shook her head. He needed to stay off the lyrium. She would help him through it. "Would you rather save face than admit-" he began, trailing off as he noticed that she was there. He stared at her, shame and guilt filling his handsome features. "Forgive me." he murmured sadly as he brushed past her. Renna watched him leave before turning back to Cassandra.

"And people say I'm stubborn." the woman said wryly. Renna was worried for him, but her friend's joke made a small smile appear on her face. She felt better about the situation if Cassandra could brush it off so easily. "Cullen told you that he is no longer taking lyrium?" she asked, not really meaning it to be a question.

"Yes, and I respect his decision." Renna admitted. And she did. She wondered if she could have done the same, in his place.

"As do I. Not that he's willing to listen." Cassandra agreed. "Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him. I refused. It's not necessary." she added matter-of-factly. "Besides, it would destroy him. He's come so far." It was only at that point that she showed any real emotion. An almost pitying expression crossed her stern features, softening them. Renna shook her head and stared at the floor.

"Why didn't he come to me?" she asked. Cassandra looked at her, as though testing her reaction.

"We had an agreement long before you joined us. As a Seeker, I could evaluate the dangers. And he wouldn't want to...risk your disappointment." she admitted. Renna sighed. How many times did she have to tell him that he could come to her with anything? That she loved him? Stubborn fool of a man. When Cassandra laughed and nodded in agreement, she realized that she had said the last thought out loud.

"Is there anything we can do to change his mind?" she asked. Cassandra shrugged.

"If anyone could, it's you. Mages have made their suffering known, but Templars never have. They are bound to the Order, mind and soul, with someone always holding their lyrium leash. Cullen has a chance to break that leash. To prove to himself, and anyone who would follow suit, that it's possible. He can do this. I knew that when we met in Kirkwall. Talk to him. Decide if now is the time." she said before leaving her standing alone in the armory. Renna nodded. She would make him see the truth of things.


Cullen stared at the apparatus before him. Just once. That was all he needed. He needed the lyrium to sing through his veins one more time, and then he would be done forever. He knew it. He picked it up, sweat dripping down his face. His body ached for the singing blue liquid he held in his palm. No. He set it back in the box, pacing angrily.

"You're weak. You're weak." he muttered to himself. He scrubbed a hand through his hair, barely managing not to pull it out by the roots. He licked his lips, though the small amount of moisture did not ease their cracking. He shook his head. "Just once." he murmured. He picked up the box again...and roared as he furiously hurled it at the wall. His eyes widened when he saw Renna standing there, a bemused look on her face. "Maker's breath, I didn't hear you enter. I...forgive me." he said, realizing that he had already told her that once today. She stepped over the shards of glass toward him, and he hated himself for watching the lyrium ooze through the cracks of the wooden floor, disappearing forever.

"Cullen, if you need to talk-" she began. He shook his head, trying to slow his breathing.

"You don't have to-" he began before stumbling. He leaned heavily on his desk, and waved her away when she came over to help. "I never meant for this to...interfere." he admitted. The worry in her eyes faded. It was still there, but something else was more present in those violet depths.

"I believe you." she promised. He wrinkled his nose.

"Whatever good it does. Promises mean nothing if I cannot keep them." he said. He was going to send her away. She knew it, he could see it in her face. He could not hurt her anymore. Instead of the words that he had planned on saying, something else fell from his lips. "You asked, once, what happened to the Ferelden Circle. It was taken over by abominations. The Templars...my friends, were slaughtered." he revealed. He stumbled over to one of the arrow-slit windows and looked out as if reaching for fresh air. The memories of the Circle were always hard to handle, but when he was having withdrawals it was as though he were still in that magical cage, dehydrated and delirious, praying for someone to save him and knowing that no one ever would. "They tortured me, tried to break my mind and I..." he laughed bitterly. "How can you be the same person after that?" he asked, turning to her with what he knew was a wild look in his eyes. "Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my Knight-Commander and for what, hmm? Her fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall's Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can't you see why I want nothing to do with that life?" he spat, accusing her even when he knew she had done nothing wrong. He hated himself for it. He hated that she couldn't possibly love him anymore after such an admission. He hated the look of pity...he paused. There was no pity in her eyes. Anyone who knew what he had been through looked at him with pity, and he hated it, but she wasn't.

"Of course I can, I-" she began.

"Don't. You should be questioning what I've done! I thought this would be better, that I would...regain some control over my life but...these thoughts won't leave me." he growled, getting irrationally angry at the lack of pity in her eyes. He paced before her, as he had done a million times before, grabbing his hair as if he needed something to hold on to. Maybe he did. "How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause. I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it." he muttered frantically, his volume increasing at every word. He hurled a fist into a nearby bookshelf, sending papers and books flying to the floor. "I should be taking it." he realized. Turned away from her, he could not see the frown on Renna's face. She was shaking her head, but he had no idea.

"This doesn't have to be about the Inquisition. Is this what you want?" she asked suddenly. He turned, seeing the severe expression on her features. The inquiry gave him pause. Not about the Inquisition? What did he want? He had no idea. He hadn't thought about what he wanted for years. He sighed. What he wanted was freedom.

"No." he admitted, unclenching his fists and allowing himself to relax. She came closer to him, then, and her presence was comforting. "But...these memories have always haunted me. If they become worse, if I...if I cannot endure this..." he said, trailing off. Renna's look of determination was so fierce and intense that he almost stepped away from her.

"You can." she assured him as she placed a gentle hand on his armored chest. He sighed in relief. He hadn't realized he had been waiting for her support, but now that he knew it was there, he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. A small smile formed on his lips and he nodded.

"All right." he agreed. She beamed at him and kissed his cheek. He could do this. He could do anything with her by his side.