This one was co-written by Glockenspiel Rhea. She is so jokes and has such great ideas. Usually better than my own.

Chapter 51 : Safe sex saves lives

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There were many buildings in Karakura Town, but one in particular drew the attention of tourists. The town's only museum was prized for its representations of Japanese history, and recently the visual displays had attracted a lot of visitors. This Christmas a special exhibit was organised to reveal a restored collection of paintings from the Pope's personal collection of Christmas images. For this the entire museum was specially opened on Christmas Day.

Noriyasu Takeshi had always thought of himself as an extremely learned and knowledgeable scholar. That is, until he was stationed as a guide to the Japanese History Section of the museum.

At first it was only minor things – an odd coloured sash here, an odd hair colour there – but then it got plain weird.

A young boy, no more than the age of seven, was first to point out some of these things.

"Hey, listen" Takeshi looked at the boy tugging at his blazer, "why is that woman wearing a miniskirt?"

"Err... they were very popular at the time"

"Hey, listen" Takeshi again looked at the boy, "what's on that man's funny face?"

"Err... it's a traditional Noh mask"

"Hey, listen" Takeshi glared at the child "why is that a Chinese sword?"

"Err... because Japan and China were good friends"

"Hey, listen, why is that man wearing sunglasses?"

"Err... Ray-ban is a very old company"

"Hey, listen, why has he got a basket on his head?"

"Err... it was a traditional... armour"

"Hey, listen, why is that woman about to hit the man with a book?"

"Err... because that's what traditional wedding ceremonies involved"

"Hey, listen, why has that man got tattoos on his face?"

"Err... it was camouflage... against the lions"

"Hey, listen, why is that man putting guyliner on?"

Noriyasu Takeshi was out of ideas. There was no reason that he could think of why a Japanese man from the Edo period would ever need to put eyeliner on, especially Rimmel London eyeliner.

"Ok everyone! I'm afraid time has run out! Please proceed to the Pope's personal Christmas collection now!"

Everyone left the room. Takeshi was saved from admitting he didn't know everything. The lights were turned out. The door closed behind him.

Kira could not hold back the crying anymore. Didn't anyone understand the delicate feelings of guyliner? He whimpered and ran into the corner where Momo was already sobbing.

"Did you hear what he said? Did you? Did you? He said it was a marriage ceremony! A marriage ceremony, my little Nanao! Now you are my wife!" Shunsui grabbed hold of Nanao's sleeve and started shouting about how much of a good husband he would be.

Nanao's glasses glinted angrily.

"He was lying" she said before swatting him away with the book.

"Traditional Noh Mask?!" Mayuri screeched at the top of his lungs, deeply insulted by the guide's words. "Traditional Noh Mask, my arse! My mask is so much more than a simple theatre prop! How dare he insult me like that?! I will gas him and his entire family for uttering such despicable things about me!"

Nemu wasn't listening but instead was far too busy looking at her skirt.

"Is my skirt that old-fashioned?" she asked quietly. Mayuri stopped his ramblings and sighed.

"No, it looks good"

Komamura turned to his lieutenant.

"I would like you to know that it is not a basket"

Iba just looked confused

"Who's Ray-ban?"

"I'll bet you all my hair products that that man was just saying the first thing that came into his mind. I mean, how could my smexy tattoos be mistaken for lion camouflage? Japan doesn't even have lions!" Hisagi mumbled to himself, while others continued to yell behind him.

Joshiro sighed, lifting the cup of tea in his hands to his lips.

"It is a shame they entered the room at that particular time, don't you agree Unohana?" he asked the fourth division captain opposite him.

"Why yes. I think it was Kira's appreciation of the eye makeup that really almost gave us away" she replied putting the cup of tea on the table.

Kira looked up through tear soaked eyes and glared at Unohana.

"Doesn't anyone understand the pain I'm in?" he cried at them all

"No" everyone replied at the same time. He went back to sulking in the corner like a good little emo boy.

Soifon looked at them all with disdain.

"Why am I stuck with these Japanese amateurs?"

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Ichigo needed the loo.

He had done for the past fifty hours.

But he couldn't stop running.

If he did then the hulking mass of macho behind him would surely rip his head in half.

Rukia was getting a bit tired of the constant screaming. It was Christmas Day for goodness sake! They hadn't stopped running for almost three days now. It was slightly ridiculous.

Renji didn't care. As long as the super drama marathon was on television nothing else mattered.

Rukia decided enough was enough.

Grabbing the flamethrower that Isshin kept in the garden shed, she stood in Ichigo's path.

"Heads up!" Rukia shouted at him. Ichigo's reactions weren't that good.

Soon he was running around the kitchen, orange hair burning brightly, and screaming obscenities at Rukia.

The hulking mass of macho stopped.

He pointed.

He laughed.

Yachiru burst into the kitchen wielding a large bucket.

"Help! I'm on bloody fire!" Ichigo yelled desperately.

"I'll help!" Yachiru cried dramatically. She jumped into the air and held the bucket up. Before tipping the bucket she dug into her robes and pulled out a skewer with one marshmallow on the end. She tried to heat it over the warm flames emanating from Ichigo's head. "Stand still, Strawberry-man!"

Ichigo just screamed louder and darted about.

Rukia grabbed the bucket from Yachiru and threw the contents over a panicking Ichigo.

Cat litter rained down on him. He stood still. The fire couldn't take the smell of the obviously used cat litter and left, taking Ichigo's hair with it.

Kya applauded.

"Bravo! Good show my fellows!" she exclaimed. She nudged Byakuya. "Wasn't that a fine performance, Byakuya?"

Byakuya sat there and sipped his tea in silence.

The group settled around the Christmas tree. The only one not present was Ichigo who had gone up to have a shower. Nobody likes someone after they had been showered with used cat litter.

"Here you are Ken-chan! I got you a present!" Yachiru squealed as she bounced up to the hulking mass of macho. Zaraki took the mess of paper she presented him with. He touched it and the paper fell away. Inside was the best present he could have asked for. The others peered at it questioningly.

"What is it?" Rukia asked curiously. Kya read the label.

"It appears to be prime beef from the Grampian Mountains in Scotland." She answered. Yachiru jumped up.

"Ken-chan is a manly man and eats raw meat to prove his manliness!" she cried. Byakuya nodded knowingly.

It was at this point when Ichigo came down the stairs, wearing a blue woolly hat with a pom-pom on the top. No one had to see what he now looked like after joining the Ikkaku club of hairless wonders.

"Iiichiiigooo!!" Isshin jumped towards his son and stopped just before reaching him. He waved a box in front of Ichigo's face. "I got you a present!"

Ichigo looked at the box. He touched it while reading what the contents were. He suddenly grabbed it and threw it as far away from him as he could.

"What the hell were those for?" he shouted at his father

"Well, I thought even you would know that at your age" Isshin answered with a shrug.

Byakuya peered at the box that had landed in front of him. He blinked. In an instant he was at Ichigo's side, hand around his neck. Ichigo's eyes widened.

"Why are you angry at me? It was him who got me them!" he pointed at Isshin, who was whistling as he stepped away inconspicuously.

"I do not need to explain myself to you" he said calmly.

Kya picked up the box.

"Hey, Byakuya, it's not that bad is it? I mean, safe sex does save lives"

Byakuya's head rotated mechanically. His eyes settled on Kya. She was still reading the label on the box of condoms and looked thoroughly interested by it.

Rukia sat oblivious to what they were talking about.

"Oh, lighten up, Byakuya, it's Christmas!" Isshin put his arm around the noble's shoulders and grinned at him. Byakuya swatted him away and returned to his place next to Kya, eyeing Ichigo dangerously as he did so. Ichigo joined Rukia by the tree. Kya passed the condoms back to him.

"You never know, eh, Ichigo, matey, might get lucky" she said while nudging his arm and winking.

Byakuya made a mental note never to leave Ichigo alone with Rukia.

Yuzu sensed the tension from where she was in the kitchen and entered the living room to interrupt.

"Um... dinner's ready"

Isshin, Yachiru and Kya all jumped up excitedly. Ichigo, Zaraki and Byakuya behaved in a much more civilised manner and stood calmly before making their way to the kitchen.

"Uh, Abarai-san? Are you coming for dinner?" Yuzu asked the red haired man who was lying on the couch.

"No" he answered with his eyes still glued to the television screen. This was getting juicy. No one was going to disturb him until he found out why Yuki had been so mean to Ai.

"Oh, ok then" Yuzu left. Renji stared in silence at the moving images.

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"Rukiaaa!" Kon jumped up and tried to get a special Christmas hug from the girl. Rukia squashed this idea as well as his head while stepping on his squirming toy body. When she finally moved her foot he stood up and started to wail. "Wahh! No one loves me! I'm all alone!"

"Aww! You poor little thing!" Kya squealed as she bent down and picked the stuffed animal up off the floor. Kon sniffed dramatically.

"They're so mean to me! I never even get a hug!" he cried.

"That's terrible!" Kya exclaimed. She shot glares at Ichigo and Rukia. They just blinked. Kya clutched the lion to her body and squeezed it in a hug. "You are such a cute little squishy! I shall give you a hug and all will be well again!"

Kon sighed dreamily, revelling in the hug this unknown lady was giving him. It didn't matter who she was. He was far too preoccupied with where she was holding him to to worry about that.

Kya rocked him from side to side.

"Squishy! Squishy! Squishy!" she cried happily at finding such an adorable little squishy.

Then her arms were empty.

She looked at the floor.

Kon lay there.

His head was detached from his body.

Byakuya stood next to him eyeing him carefully.

"Byakuya! Why did you hurt squishy?"

He looked at Kya.

"He appeared to be taking far more pleasure from that hug than was necessary" he answered plainly. Kya looked at the yellow stuffed animal. The body was standing up and trying to search for the now still head.

"Pig" she mumbled before copying Rukia's actions and stepping on the body. It squirmed and then fell silent. A green pill rolled across the floor. Ichigo picked it up and placed it in the kitchen drawer.

"Is it time to eat yet?" Yachiru squealed while pulling on Zaraki's sleeve. He grumbled in reply.

Everyone sat down. The meal was awkward. Byakuya was angry at Ichigo for doing who knew what with his sister. Isshin was angry at Ichigo for not getting him a present. Yachiru was angry at Ichigo for not fighting Ken-chan. Rukia was angry at Ichigo for insulting her precious Chappy. Zaraki was angry at Ichigo for no reason at all. Kya was shouting out random comments at every possible moment. Yuzu and Karin sat there silently, not knowing what to say.

Ichigo gulped.

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Hahahaha!

Rhea and I had so much fun writing this! Although it took about five times longer than it would have if she wasn't there! We kept stopping every minute or so and just burst out laughing for no reason at all. Or we got distracted by something else and rambled on for a bit.

Oh yeah, when reading the 'Hey, listen' bit just think of Zelda. That goddamn annoying fairy interrupting you when you're bloody playing... Rhea and me made a thing out of saying it over and over just like the goddamn fairy. She also said this which sent me into hysterics:

Rhea: Hey, listen! Press A to make Zelda do a poo

I can't remember anything else we said in particular, but there was a lot of funny crap. Maybe Rhea will tell me later and I'll be able to include it then.

I had my school's sixth form open evening tonight. It was weird. I just went around to subjects that I could study next year and talked to teachers and stuff. RS was presented really well actually and sounds cool coz it covers philosophy of religion and ethics, which is fun. Art was good too, but mainly coz I like my teacher so could talk to her. I'm not sure about EngLit anymore, its all victorian novels which I dont really like, so I dunno. I'll do chemistry coz I need a balance against arty stuff. Maybe psychology, maybe sociology, I dunno. I need to think.

I've already posted air guitars, expect to receive them in air wrapping paper in three to six weeks.

Toodles