Chapter Fifty:

Robin was exhausted, but the therapy session was important, so she kept at it. She had told Dr. Holly what she had remembered about being tied to the bed and how she was assaulted. She also told her about Patrick losing Gabriel and how guilty she felt.

"So this other woman, she is angry with you?"

"Sabrina? Yes. She is the reason I was taken again recently. I guess the man who grabbed me and Jason was in love with her and was trying to get revenge."

Dr. Holly nodded.

"I see. Do you feel like you did something wrong?"

"Well, if I didn't leave, then Victor wouldn't have been trying to keep me in line, so yes."

"You are assuming this Victor would have played by a set of rules that a rational person would come up with. He wasn't rational and he wasn't sane. You can't control a person's actions and although the result was tragic, it was all on him and not you. You need to understand that."

Robin wiped her tears, which continued to fall.

"But Patrick needed me and I wasn't here. If I had come home, he may not have divorced me and I may not have been put through everything. He would have a son and I wouldn't be so broken."

Dr. Holly shook her head.

"You aren't broken. You are holding yourself to standards that simply don't apply. You need to look at the facts of the situation and understand that certain things are out of your control. You can control your actions and your responses, but you cannot dictate the choices of others. You say that Patrick needed you, but I'm also hearing that you needed Patrick. You have to decide if there is something here to be salvaged or if it's simply time to move on. Once you have a plan set, the true healing can begin."

Robin looked at her hands.

"I am HIV positive."

"Okay," Dr. Holly said. "Is this new or something Patrick knows about?"

"He knows. I have been HIV positive for years."

"How has he handled that?"

Robin smiled.

"He seems to respect me more for it. He is amazing and has always been my champion. I think that it must be a relief for him, though."

"What do you mean?"

"He was able to experience being with other women and not have to worry anymore. He could never do that with me. I worry about that."

"Do you think he still wants to be with you?"

Robin sighed.

"I think he wants to help me. I think he feels like he owes me and once I'm better," she stopped.

"He will leave?"

Robin nodded.

"Yeah."

XXXX

Patrick looked at Dr. Cruze after he finished explaining much of what the past three years had been like. He smiled when the doctor was quiet.

"Kind of a lot to process, isn't it?"

Dr. Cruze shrugged.

"Not really. You witnessed your wife dying and spent the next two years trying to move forward while still deeply in love and mourning her. You loved another woman, although not passionately, and when you were about to take the plunge the love of your life showed back up. You were confused and took time to figure your life out before going back, but the damage was done and your wife decided she needed to help her friend. Because she chose to leave after just coming home, you cut her out of your life and fell for another woman, who happened to be the wife of the friend your wife went to help. Unbeknownst to you, your wife was held prisoner and couldn't escape and you moved on fully with the other woman, divorcing Robin. Now Robin is back and your life was blown apart again, causing you to lose your new love and opening up all of your old wounds."

Patrick blinked.

"Okay, so you got it."

"Now I want to ask you some questions."

Patrick exhaled.

"Okay."

"What is the first thing you think of when you see Robin?"

"Passion and fire."

"And what is the first thing you think of when you see Sam?"

"Comfortable and safe."

"What do you want in life?"

"Robin. I have always wanted Robin, but she doesn't believe that. I have taken three different women to my bed since she was presumed dead and she can't just overlook that. She takes sex as something deeply personal and I ruined that."

"You don't take sex as personal? Do you disagree with her assessment?"

"Of course I do, but the way she is looking at it is not as meaningful as I did. Sex with her is different for me."

"Because she is HIV positive?"

Patrick glared at him.

"No. Because she's Robin."

Dr. Cruze smiled.

"Have you told her that?"

"Like it would matter. I slept with three women but who cares because they weren't you. It's not going to work. She needed me and I wasn't there. End of story."

"Only if you want it to be," Dr. Cruze said. "Maybe I can give you some things to think about?"

Patrick nodded.

He would try anything.

XXXX

Robin left Dr. Holly's office and sat in the lobby. It was an intense hour and she had a lot to think about. She knew much of her trouble came from her own stubbornness and one thing was clear.

She loved and needed Patrick.

She grabbed a tissue from the box on the table and wiped her eyes. She couldn't stop her tears and it was annoying. She needed to walk back to Patrick's office and they were going to get Emma after school and bring her to meet Aaron.

Right now, she simply needed a friend.

Taking a deep breath, she stood up and exhaled, surprised when she saw Patrick walking out of the same door she had been in which led to the offices.

"Patrick?" she walked to him, her tears still falling.

His heart broke when he saw her and his own sadness was suffocating.

"What's wrong? Are you in pain?" he asked her, concerned at her appearance.

"No, I'm okay. I just can't seem to stop the waterworks. It's annoying," she smiled and shrugged. "What are you doing here?"

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and blushed.

"I had an appointment with a psychiatrist, a Dr. Cruze."

Surprise colored her petite features.

"You did? How come you didn't tell me?"

She shook her head as soon as the question was out.

"I'm sorry, it's none of my business. I should head back."

He stopped her by putting his hands on her shoulders and she looked down.

"Can we go to my office and talk?"

"Kay," she said softly and they walked in silence to his office.

Patrick grabbed a bottle of water and a yogurt from his fridge and handed it to her before he took a bag of pretzels and water for himself. He smiled as she tucked her legs under her as she sat on his couch.

"Did you like the doctor?" she asked him.

"Yeah, I guess. He seemed to know what he was talking about," Patrick said and ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know that I have the same outlook as he does where you and I are concerned."

"Oh, why? What did he say?"

"He seems to think we have a chance."

Robin's expression was crestfallen.

"And you don't?"

He looked at her and his chin quivered.

"I don't think you will ever trust me again. I'm not sure I deserve your trust. I'm not sure I deserve to go back."

"I don't think we can go back," she said. "Dr. Holly made a lot of sense. I said that I came back to a world that looks the same, but everything about me is different. She told me that I needed to stop looking at all I lost, because I can't go back and change the decisions I made. What I can do is choose to move forward, deal with what I lost and begin to find a new normal. She also told me that I needed to think about what I wanted my life to look like from this point forward and go after that."

He was terrified.

"Can I ask what you want your life to look like? Is there a place for me to fit in?"

She sighed.

"I want to be happy. I want to watch Emma grow up and get to truly know the person she has become without me. I want her to feel safe and know I will be here for as long my health allows. I want to be able to sleep in a bed and not be scared all the time. I want to feel good about myself and not qualify my happiness in terms of what others deem I deserve."

He felt his tears fall as he listened to her and he realized just how much he wanted all of that for her, too.

"I don't think I want to be a doctor right now," she said softly.

Patrick was surprised at that.

"But you love medicine; it's your passion."

She nodded.

"It was, but the last three years, I was forced to use that passion in a way that took me from you and Emma. I am so glad I could help Jason, but he wasn't more important than Emma," she looked at him. "Or you."

Patrick wiped his eyes.

"I know that."

She walked to him and took his hand in hers, standing between his knees as he sat.

"No, I don't think you do. I made you think that I chose another man instead of you and the amazing life we were building. I can tell you, without a doubt, that I didn't mean it that way. I was lost and hurt and I just wanted to make a difference for Sam and Danny and for Jason. I was angry with you and how you made me wait and I was hurt that Sabrina was pregnant. I should have told you all of that and instead I broke your heart and walked away. I'm truly sorry for that."

He had no words as he looked at her.

She reached to his face and cupped his cheek in her hand.

"You want to know if I see a place for you in my life," she took a breath and shrugged. "Patrick, you are all I see. I was so hurt because the only man I have ever planned a future with was you. The only man who I have ever loved with such a passion is you. The only man who has been my rock and my sanity and my sparring partner is you," she smiled and he chuckled at her word choice.

"I love you. I can't stop and I don't that I want to. What I do know is that we have lived what feels like a lifetime apart, and I am nowhere near okay. I have so much to process and deal with and I don't know if the woman I am becoming is someone you will want to be with. I also don't think I can simply be with you like it was. I want to get to know you again, have fun and if you want, see what else is there. I also need you to be honest with me. If you want to move on and be with someone else or be alone, I will respect that. I want you to be happy. You deserve that."

He reached up and took her hand, moving it from his cheek and kissing her fingers before he stood up and walked a few steps.

Robin crossed her arms and felt her stomach churn.

"I'm so sorry," he said softly.

She nodded and went to leave.

"Okay. It's okay, Patrick. I'll be okay."

He walked to stand in front of her.

"I'm so sorry because I wasn't the man I should have been. I was so wrong. I was wrong to ignore what my heart told me the whole first year you were gone. I was wrong to allow people to talk me out of what my gut was telling me; that you were out there. I put the feelings of a woman I never loved over you and I made you think I was torn. I can't explain it. I don't know why I did that or what I was thinking, but I can only say that I was ashamed. I was ashamed that you fought for two years to come home and I didn't fight for you."

"You didn't know," she said, hating that he was being so hard on himself.

"That's no excuse for everything that happened from the moment you entered the church. I made you wait and then, when I came back to you, I made you feel like you had to fit right back into this life that wasn't real. I asked you to have another child and I never, not once, asked what you had been through. I made you deal with Sabrina in everything we did, from the damn presents under the tree to her pregnancy and I got mad when you decided it was enough. If I were you, I would have gone to help Jason. I gave you no hope that I would be supportive or understanding. I was jealous of Jason like I've always been jealous of him and Stone and I threw it all in your face after you had been through two years of torture. Pursuing Sam was the most juvenile and hurtful thing I could do to you and to your trust in me."

He turned away from her and took a minute to compose himself before turning back.

"I know you and I know you would have come home if you could. I ignored every sign and every clue again, and again you suffered. My God, Robin, you were tied to a bed and those pigs hurt you and the whole time, I was proceeding with a divorce. I don't know how you can ever look at me with anything other than disgust. I don't know how to ever show you how much I love you and how sorry I am. I don't know what to do."

She walked to him and looked up into his eyes.

"Thank you for saying all of that. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being here."

He pulled her into his arms and they hugged each other tightly, needing to feel the comfort only the other could give.

They stood apart and Robin tilted her face up as he lowered his mouth to hers, softly and tentative until she wrapped her arms around him and they met in a passionate kiss. His tongue split the seam of her lips and she moaned as his fingers moved up in her hair, cradling her head in his hand.

She wrapped her arms under his and held his body to hers as the kiss deepened and she felt herself getting lost in him.

"Wait," she said as she broke away from him and tried to catch her breath.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so aggressive," he said, the feel of her lips intoxicating to him.

She smiled.

"That wasn't aggressive, it was passion. It's just that I want to take things slow. I need to be smart about this and so do you."

He smiled as he took her hand in his.

"So if we are taking things slow, that means we're taking them somewhere?"

She laughed.

"Yeah. I think we are."

He felt like his whole world just got better.

"So I have a question," she said.

He smiled.

"Would you like to come over tonight for a date?"

"I would love that," he said as his voice caught in his throat.

"Well, I have a daughter, so we have to be respectable," she said and took his hand as they walked out.

"You do? Do you think she'll like me?" he asked as he locked his door.

Robin leaned into him as they walked.

"I think she will love you."

They made their way down the hall and were in a better place than they had been in years. It was going to be a long process, but this was a start.

XXXXX

Sabrina watched them walk down the hall and her blood burned through her veins.

Robin ruined her life three times now.

Once at her wedding.

Again with her son.

Finally with Carlos.

Robin ruined everything in her life and it was time for payback.

She knew just what to do and they would never see it coming.

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