Chapter 52 - Day 46

There was a part of him that really, really hated himself. For reasons that went past his fear and anxieties. No, he hated himself because he knew about his fears and anxieties. Because he was aware and he's sure that that's worse than being oblivious.

For the first time in his life he wished he weren't so damn intelligent. If he weren't a genius, and so self-aware, he wouldn't know that his flinching and fear were ridiculous, that he had no reason to be anxious around his family and friends. He knew it was stupid, unwarranted, and that he should get over it because it wasn't his reality.

He didn't need to be scared anymore, he had no reason to be, and he knew it and damn he really hated it. Hated knowing, yet unable to control it. That's the problem with the mind wasn't it?

His self-loathing was halted as he sat in the hospital bed, surrounded by his teammates. It was the middle of the afternoon. He'd spent the morning seeing other visitors, having little chats with Kiba, Shino, Team 10, and several others that he hadn't known he'd missed until he'd seen their faces. He'd missed them so much, yet still, the fear was there and he kept his distance, irrational, completely and utterly irrational, but present.

He really, really hated himself.

Eventually, they all headed out and left him with his team, the few people he could stand to be around for long in his present state.

Yet still, always still, always there, that Goddamn fear.

"I meant to bring this yesterday, but I thought you might need a bit of time to..." Lee let the sentence drag, not bothering to finish it. To settle, to get into a sane state of mind, to just calm down. At least a little. Lee put the packsack he'd brought with him onto his lap, and unzipped it to reveal lots and lots of paper, "They're cards. When we were at the castle, the kids wanted to thank you themselves so they all made cards for you."

Neji took the packsack cautiously, not sure how to face this undoubtedly sweet gesture. He carefully pulled out the stacks of papers, his mind automatically counting out twenty-one of them. There had been twenty-one children in that asylum, ready to be sold and used like objects... Twenty-one. Twenty-two if he included himself, which he often times didn't. They'd had it worse than he, they'd just been children after all.

The cards were a variety of colours, with stickers and glitter and crayon-written messages covering nearly the entire surface of the paper. Inside and out. They were bright and sparkly and so child-like that his lips quirked up at the edges without his notice. He read the words, mispelt and hard to decipher, and he felt his eyes burn and he put down the cards. He'd read them later, when he was alone and he could maybe allow himself to cry a little.

But there was one thing, "Why do most of them refer to me as 'pretty boy'?"

His teammates could hardly stop laughing long enough to explain the nickname that Princess Ikuna and Raisa had given him, and how the children had taken to it like moths to a flame.

"We kept telling them that that wasn't your actual name, but they were stubborn in keeping with it so..." Tenten shrugged, trying to keep her smile at bay and failing miserably.

Neji would forever deny being a little bit flattered by the nickname (he was), but he indulged himself with a small smile. It was... Nice. His team was happy, the children seemed to really like him for some reason, and who was he to pretend that he didn't enjoy being liked (especially for reasons that had nothing to do with his skills on the battlefield).

He handed the packsack over to Lee, promising to go over all of the cards later, and if he avoided making any contact with his friend, well. Nobody noticed, he told himself, it didn't matter. Eventually he'd be normal again and he wouldn't have to flinch away from making skin-to-skin contact with others (boys -men- in particular, but that fact he could successfully ignore).

And if his teacher gave him a knowing look, well...

OoOoO

They were in the middle of a conversation about movies when a nurse came in, telling them they had to leave for several minutes as it was time to remove Neji's cast - finally. The thing was itchy and heavy and warm, and useless. It was procedure, to make sure the area stayed still while they made sure it had healed properly, but with Tsunade having worked on it, there had been no doubt that the healing had been done right in the first place.

Yet, procedure. There'd been no choice about it.

The nurse worked on removing the cast in silence, and once finished, took away the pieces and left him to work his wrist. He rotated his hand, working the muscles in a way they hadn't been worked in several days. There was a burning stretch that meant all was well. He went to the washroom to wash the skin and to take away the leftover itchiness.

The cast had had him feeling slightly vulnerable, but now that he had both of his hands working perfectly once again, he was tremendously relieved. He could fight again. If there was an opportunity to do so, anyhow. He was still weak, and putting back on the weight that he'd lost in the last month and a half, but it wouldn't take too long before he was back in shape.

Hell, it'd taken him only a couple of months to get back into the swing of things after his fight with Kidomaru. This would be easy.

So easy, he thought as he returned to sit on the bed, the blankets wrapped around his torso, his eyes fixed upon the tiny window that showed the evening sun and the world outside.

It took his breath away to be able to see the sun.

And that in itself terrified him.

OoOoO

It was growing late, visiting hours were over and his team had headed home, leaving him to get through his last night in the hospital. Tomorrow he would be released.

Lights out would come shortly, but he had made a promise that he planned on following through with. The packsack was on the edge of his bed, empty of its contents. The letters were scattered across the bedsheet in front of where he was sitting with his legs crossed, the different colours and glitter nice to see after so much dreary white.

He picked up one after another, each with similar messages of thanks and appreciation, with little hearts and smileys and signed names (Sora, Amu, Mia, Zoey, Akahiko, so many others), even one writen by Raisa on behalf of the blind child who had once asked him if he was a gardien angel.

He wiped at his eyes half-heartedly, because he remembered. Remembered wanting to help these children - before he'd given up on himself and by extension, them.

And maybe he was broken, stuck in a dark place with torturous memories that haunted his sleep and manipulated his waking actions, but at least something good had come from all of it.

These children had been saved, because of his team and his friends, and him. He could have done more, he thought, but it had been enough, in the end.

He grabbed the cards and carefully put them back in the packsack, which he then placed on the floor next to the bed. He'd be keeping them, for a long time probably, always close at hand, just in case. The kind words could help, maybe, when he gets lost in dark thoughts. Pull him back to the present, where things are now okay -better, even.

Well, at the very least, they'll remind him that the pain isn't for nothing.


AU : Hola lovelies! Alright, there should be one last chapter to this, I believe. Might be two, depends how I fix up the next one. I hope you enjoyed this one, although not much went on. This update wasn't as quick, sorry about that!

I'd like to thank... EatEmUp, darkstardragon432, BeautifulDesertFoxglove, Angelheart17, Black Roses shine at night, itanejiluver (soon, love, just working on this first, once this is done I'll get to it :) ) ii-Phoenix-ii, and ShinoHina4eva for your fantastic reviews! They truly mean the world to me!

Thank you so much for reading,
-MewMew