Kakashi was beating CAT at Shoji for the third time when his next visitor came by.
I really hope it's Gai, he thought when he heard the knock. He knew that Gai's parents wouldn't let him visit, but he kept hoping. Even though he'd never admit it out loud, he missed Gai's obnoxiously happy personality.
"Come in," he said.
He wasn't prepared to see Rin walk through the door.
"I'm in town getting medical supplies, and I ran into Sarutobi Asuma. He said you're sick, so I thought I'd visit. He wouldn't tell me what's wrong."
"Not much," Kakashi said. "I got pneumonia on a mission, but I'm getting better."
Rin's eyes narrowed.
Why would I lie to a medic nin about medical things? Kakashi wondered. That was stupid.
He didn't want her to know. It was enough that his friends and family were burdened with his problems. He didn't want to weigh her down too. And he had a new thought. It had never mattered before, but now he didn't want Rin to think less of him.
As if she could think any less of me, he thought.
"Have a seat," he said. "It's good to see you."
"Is it?" she asked. She glanced toward a chair, but she didn't sit. "I'm just staying for a few minutes. How are you?"
How did I never notice how pretty she is? he wondered. Her hair looked so soft, and he had never noticed how large and dark her eyes were.
"You look different," he said, and he had to clear his throat when his voice broke at the end.
What was that about?" he wondered. His palms were sweaty and his heart beat quickly. I don't even really like her.
"I'm fine," she said. "I've been learning a lot out there. I haven't changed anything about how I look though. I don't know why you'd think I look different."
"I guess you just look..." he wanted to say pretty, but he didn't dare, "more confident."
She shrugged, "Maybe. Have you seen Sensei since...you know?"
"He came by earlier," Kakashi said. "It was awkward."
She glanced at CAT. "Can I talk to him alone?"
CAT shook his head. "Sorry, but Jounins have to have a personal guard when they're in the hospital. It's a new order."
Kakashi was grateful that CAT was quick to cover for him.
"I'm discrete," CAT said. "You two can talk freely." He moved back to stand in the corner. "Just pretend I'm not here."
"Ok," Rin said, but she didn't sound sure.
"You know Sensei doesn't blame you," she told Kakashi.
"I'm sure he does. He's just too kind to say so."
"I blame you," she said, "but I forgive you."
He looked away.
"I blame myself too," she said. "I thought that I could just leave and forget about all this, but I can't. We're both at fault."
Kakashi was afraid to look at her again. He was sure that even though she said she forgave him he'd see hate on her face.
"You didn't do anything wrong," he said.
"We all made our choices out there," she said. "Obito chose to save both of us – me after I was captured and you when you were about to be crushed. You had your own choices. I made mine a long time before we even went out there. I never should have let myself lean on you two. It won't happen again. I'm already learning a new jutsu that can be used for healing or defense, and I'll never let myself depend on a man to protect me again."
Kakashi finally looked at her, and instead of hardness he saw tears. "You always tried to make peace between us," he said. "I wish I'd realized how much you meant to me before it was too late."
She didn't respond.
"Is it too late?" Kakashi asked.
I need her, he thought, but he stopped himself from saying it. I don't love Rin; Obito loved Rin. I need Anko, not Rin.
"I don't love you anymore," she said.
"I know, but I want to think that we're still friends."
"Were we ever?" she asked. "What did we ever have in common besides Team Minato?"
"Nothing," he said, "but we do now."
"You mean because we both caused our teammate's death?" she asked. "That's not friendship. It's something else."
That's not even the same Rin that I knew, he thought. She reminds me of her mother.
"This isn't why I came here," she said. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. I didn't mean to upset you; I'll go now."
Kakashi saw Obito walk through the door. "You can't just let her go," he said. The half of his face that could still show emotion was a knot of misery.
"Rin wait," Kakashi said. "There's something I need to tell you."
She stopped halfway to the door and turned around. "Yes?"
Kakashi's eye throbbed and itched. "Obito still loves you," Kakashi said. "He asks about you every time he comes to visit me."
Rin blinked and opened her mouth. She shut it and looked toward CAT who stood unmoving and silent. CAT moved closer to the bed.
"Kakashi, are you ok?" Rin asked.
"I'm fine," he said. "Obito's behind you, in the corner. Ask him yourself. He misses you so much."
Kakashi saw Obito step forward. "I love you, Rin," he said. "I'll always love you."
Rin glanced toward where Kakashi was pointing. "If this is a joke it isn't funny."
"Why would I joke about something like this?" Kakashi asked. "He's right there. How can you not see him?"
CAT stepped to the bed and put his hand on Kakashi's shoulder. He squeezed tightly. "Obito isn't here. If you can't calm yourself I'm going to have to ask your friend to leave."
Kakashi saw Obito begin to cry. "How can you be so mean to him all the time?" he asked Rin. "You made him cry again."
"Stop being mean to her!" Obito said.
"Stop yelling at me!" Kakashi said. "I'm taking up for you, Baka!"
"No one is yelling at you," CAT said.
"Obito is," Kakashi said. "Even after he's dead we can't really get along."
Rin gasped. "That's why you're here, isn't it? I didn't know you were that kind of sick. I'm so sorry."
Kakashi leaned back against the bed frame and crossed his arms. "I'm fine," he said.
Rin sat on the bed by him and put her arms around him.
"I've been so selfish," she said. "I didn't know it was this bad for you."
Just a few minutes ago he had felt all of Obito's love for her, and now all he wanted was for her to leave.
I wish Anko was here, he thought. He knew it was stupid; Anko would have just caused him more problems. But he needed her. Obito needs Rin; I need Anko.
"Is there anything I can do?" Rin asked. She had the worried look he was used to.
Kakashi looked at Obito, who was looking at Rin with adoration and sadness.
"No," Kakashi said. "It really is too late, for all three of us."
Rin stood, wiping tears from her eyes.
Obito turned and walked through the wall, and Kakashi jumped out of bed. Before he could even call out to Obito CAT had pushed Rin away from Kakashi, throwing her toward the wall. He swept Kakashi's legs out from under him and pushed him onto the bed. CAT held him down with a hand on a chest, his fist raised and ready.
"Move and you get knocked out," CAT said. "You're having another fit, and I can't risk you harming her. She's just a Genin."
"I would never hurt Rin," Kakashi said. "Obito loves her. I'd never do that to him."
"Rin, you need to leave," CAT said, without taking his eyes off Kakashi.
Rin moved to the door quickly. "I'll come back later when you're feeling better," she said.
"No you won't," CAT said. "You can see him after he's released. Close the door."
Kakashi thought the sound of the door slamming behind her was like the clang of a jail cell.
"Ok, now it's just the two of us," CAT said. "Do you still see Obito?"
"No."
"Do you know that he was a hallucination?"
He couldn't have been real, Kakashi thought. "Yes."
Cat took his hand off Kakashi's chest. "I've going to buzz the nurse and get something to help you sleep, and I want you to stop fighting me. I don't want to have to tie you to the bed again."
All the adrenaline had faded from Kakashi's system, and he didn't feel like fighting, or explaining, or dealing with any of what was happening.
"Ok," he said quietly. "I don't need a sedative again. I'll behave."
"I'll give you one more chance, but if you do this again you'll be restrained," CAT said. "I'm just trying to help you."
"I know," Kakashi said. "I'm sorry I'm so much trouble." He felt disgusted with himself. "I just cause everyone that cares for me problems."
"It's ok," CAT said. "I'm not angry. I just want you to get well. That's all any of us want. That's enough talk for now. We can talk more after you wake up."
There's no way I can sleep now, Kakashi thought, but he drifted off and only woke when he heard BEAR come in for shift change.
"How is he?" he heard BEAR whisper at the door.
"Not good," CAT whispered. "He had a fit earlier. I talked him down, but I was really concerned for a while."
BEAR grunted. "He's strong. He could cause a lot of damage if he wanted to, but I don't think he'd attack a friend.
"He's ill," CAT said. "You didn't see him earlier, or you'd understand. Keep a close eye on him."
"I don't need you to tell me that," BEAR said. "I'm aware of how strong he is. I have faith in him though."
"I do too," CAT said. "I let my guard down over the last day or so. It's hard not to do sometimes."
"You care too much for him to have this assignment," BEAR said. "You should ask the Hokage to be reassigned. It would be for Kakashi's own good."
"He might feel like I'm abandoning him," CAT said. "I'll have to work harder on keeping my emotions in check. It's hard to see him like this. He reminds me of my son."
"I didn't know you have a son," BEAR said.
"I did. He died about Kakashi's age."
"Have you thought about spirit healing?" BEAR asked. "I would be glad to help you."
"I'm not superstitious," CAT said.
"Walk your own path, Brother," BEAR said. "I'm here if you ever want to talk."
"I'll remember that," CAT said. "I have to report to the Hokage now."
Kakashi heard the door close quietly, and the sound of the chair squeaking to adjust to BEAR's massive frame.
I hurt everyone that cares for me, he thought. A familiar tight sensation in his chest warned him just before his eyes began to water.
I will not cry; I will not cry, he thought. He managed to keep most of it to himself, but he wondered if BEAR knew.
He heard BEAR quietly chant behind him, and he smelled lavender.
He sat up in bed. "What is that?"
BEAR stopped chanting. "Just something to help you rest." Kakashi's eyes had adjusted to the dim light well enough to see smoke rising from an incense burner in BEAR's lap.
"Go back to sleep," BEAR said. "I'll keep the dark things away."
It was a silly thing to say, and Kakashi knew it. It still made him feel better though. He lay down.
"I made CAT really mad earlier," Kakashi said. "I fucked stuff up again."
"He's just concerned for you," BEAR said.
"I know," Kakashi said. "That's what worries me."
"Why should that worry you?"
Kakashi rolled over onto his stomach so he could get a better look at BEAR behind him.
"I lost a lot of people," Kakashi said. "Mom died, and there was Dad, Obito, and Rin. I think I kind of lost my Sensei too. It was all my fault. I like CAT. I don't want to make him mad."
"People move apart, but I know CAT isn't mad at you," BEAR said. I know how you feel about your teammates, and I can see that it would affect your Sensei, but I know your father is still alive."
"He's lost to me," Kakashi said. "He's been visiting, but it's almost like he doesn't want to be my father anymore."
"That's just depression talking," BEAR said. "I'm sure your father loves you."
"He does," Kakashi said, "but things just aren't the same now."
"And your mother?"
"She died a long time ago, and I don't remember her. What sort of son forgets his own mother? The nurses are right about me. I am a monster."
BEAR sighed. "And what about you is monstrous?"
Kakashi scowled and thought. "Mostly what happened with Obito. I've done bad things, but that's the worst. It's even worse than what I did one a mission once that still bothers me, and I used to think that was the worst."
"I want to show you something," BEAR said, "but after you've slept."
"I don't think I can sleep now," Kakashi said.
"Very well. Come sit with me then." BEAR moved to the floor, where he sat with his legs crossed under him. After pulling a packet out of his pocket he took a bit of herb and crushed it between his fingers.
Kakashi was sure he'd smell something foul and medicinal, but the herb smelled like mint.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I want to show you what could have been," BEAR said. "This is what could have happened. It's not facts – just what your own mind supplies. It helps some people, and others don't get anything from it."
Kakashi ate the herb and waited. "It's not doing anything," he said after a few minutes.
"Give it time," BEAR said. "I'll know when it's working."
"How?" Kakashi asked.
"Patience, little brother," BEAR said. He chuckled. "You have a resilient spirit. You're already curious after being so down."
Kakashi began to feel bored and tired after a few minutes. His mind drifted to other things. I wonder what would have happened if things had been different, he thought. What is BEAR doing?
"You're ready," BEAR said. "I can tell by your eyes."
"Ok," Kakashi said. He was starting to feel drowsy.
"This only lasts about 15 minutes. I can't pull you out like last time, but I'll protect you. What would it have been like if Obito had lived?" BEAR asked. "Imagine it."
He saw it before him. It all happened again. He felt the rock hit him, and he saw Obito turn and look upward. I'll die this time, he thought. He was surprised at the relief he felt, but he lost consciousness in the vision, but as he had in real life.
He opened his eyes and saw Obito sobbing over a still figure. No, he thought. I was supposed to die.
Kakashi crawled toward Obito, and he saw Rin lying under the rockslide. Obito touched her ruined face.
Rin smiled, and Kakashi saw her broken teeth and bloody mouth. The vision faded.
"That's horrible," Kakashi said. "BEAR, what good is this?"
"We'll talk when we're finished," BEAR said. "We only have a short time. The other thing you spoke of earlier – the thing you did that you'd thought was the worst until Obito died. What would it be like if you had made another decision?"
Kakashi saw himself entering the little girl's bedroom, but he fought the vision. "I don't want to do this," he said.
"You'll never know if you don't," BEAR said.
BEAR won't let me do something that would hurt me, Kakashi thought. He let himself watch again.
In his vision he looked out of the ventilation grate and saw her sleeping. He turned around and crawled back the way he'd come and went back to his team.
"I can't do it," Kakashi said to them. "I just can't."
"It's ok," one of them said. Kakashi couldn't even remember his name anymore. He was just another ninja that he'd worked with so long ago.
"I'll do it," his teammate said. "It will be messy this way, but we'll complete the mission. "You stay here," he said to Kakashi.
Kakashi had to watch as they tried to infiltrate the heavily-guarded house. One died, but the other made it inside with only slight wounds.
Suddenly Kakashi felt himself drawn back into the house, looking down as his teammate entered the girl's room. She woke and screamed, but no one came.
Kakashi saw her run to the closet, and his teammate opened it to show her cowering in the corner.
"Don't hurt me," she said.
"I'm sorry," Kakashi's teammate said. "I hope you are happier in your next life." He ran her through with a sword.
The vision ended.
"That's about all the time we have," BEAR said. "Are you ok?"
"I guess so," Kakashi said. "I don't understand what I saw."
"Tell me and I'll try to interpret," BEAR said.
Kakashi explained the visions.
"So if Obito hadn't pushed you out of the way Rin might have?" BEAR asked. "That's what you think somewhere deep in your mind."
"She probably would have," Kakashi said. "It's like something she would do."
"What if it had been Obito that was injured with a rock about to fall on him?" BEAR asked.
"I'm sure Rin or I would have tried to save Obito," Kakashi asked. "There's no way all of us could have lived."
"That's right," BEAR said. "It was a matter of chance, wasn't it?"
"I guess," Kakashi said.
"Tell me more."
Kakashi described the girl's death.
"So if you hadn't done it you think your teammate might have died because the place was too guarded to get into with so few ninjas, and she would have suffered more. The people guarding her would have died, and probably at least some of her family."
"Yes," Kakashi said. "I was stealthier than my teammates; I remember that. I hadn't ever thought about what would have happened if I had just gone back."
"Did that help?" BEAR asked.
"It's something to think about," Kakashi said. "Can we do it again? I want to know what would have happened if Obito and Rin had lived and I had died."
"Is that something you think about often?" BEAR asked.
"All the time," Kakashi said. "That's how things really should have happened. If I could go back and change things that's what I would do. Then Obito and Rin would be happy. I was the one who wanted to abandon Rin. If I'd died they couldn't blame themselves."
"But they would have," BEAR said. "Whichever two of you lived would always blame themselves."
"I wish it had been me," Kakashi said. "It doesn't matter how things would have been. They were good people. I'm not. They deserve to live."
"Kakashi, do you think I'm a good person?" BEAR asked.
"Of course," Kakashi said.
"Why?" BEAR asked.
"You like to help people," Kakashi said. "That's one of the best things I can think of."
"I'm ANBU," BEAR said. "You know the sort of things we've all done. Why can you think of me as a good person, but you can't see yourself as one?"
Kakashi searched for an answer. "I don't know," he said.
"That's an answer you'll have to find for yourself. A lot of other people think you're a good person. I think you have the makings of someone who thinks about honor to the point of obsession. I'm proud to be a part of helping you through this."
"Thank you," Kakashi said. "I hope I can repay you someday."
"The things you'll do for Konoha are payment enough," BEAR said.
Kakashi yawned.
"That's enough for now," BEAR said. "These spirit walks can even exhaust adults."
"I'm not that tired," Kakashi said, trying not to let how tired he really was show.
BEAR chuckled and searched through several pockets. He handed Kakashi a pill. "Take it; get some rest."
Kakashi looked at the pill suspiciously. "Is it strong?"
"Yes. I make them myself. It will knock you out for a good eight hours."
"Will I wake up if something happens?" Kakashi asked.
"No," BEAR said. "I don't usually suggest them, but I think you really need rest. I don't approve of sedatives. There's no reason to use chemicals when natural remedies are better."
Kakashi rolled it around in his hand. "I don't like medicine," he said. "The last time I almost died."
BEAR took off his mask. "I've shown you my face," BEAR said. "You know what that means. Do you think I'd give you anything dangerous? Take it. You won't have dreams, and you'll wake rested. You need that."
Kakashi went to the bathroom and took the pill. I really have to eat more, he thought. It was hard to choke down the hospital food, especially after Mother's cooking.
He leaned forward and looked at his own face. When did I begin to look like this? he wondered, noticing that his cheeks had sunk in, and his eyes seemed almost raccoon-like with their dark circles.
"You ok in there?" BEAR asked. "That will put you out when it hits. You need to be lying down, or you might fall instead."
"BEAR, do you think my face looks kind of skeletal now?" Kakashi asked. "I never noticed before."
"You're seeing some new things because of the spirit walk. It might happen for a while. Think about it tomorrow."
Kakashi lay down, still thinking about how he'd changed since Obito had died. BEAR didn't really say no when I asked him that.
He heard BEAR's deep, rumbling laugh nearby. "I don't think you look skeletal. I do think you look ill. You think too much."
Kakashi meant to reply, but the most he got out was a mumble as he fell asleep.
BEAR wasn't quite right when he said Kakashi wouldn't have dreams, but they weren't bad. He dreamed of Team Minato training again, but this time they were happy and co-operative, and his Sensei smiled as he watched them.
He woke half-way through an examination by Tsunade. "Good morning, Sleepy Bluebird. I can't believe you slept through me taking your temperature and pulse. I guess you finally got some rest?"
Kakashi stretched. "Finally," he said.
"You needed it," Tsunade said. She handed him a plastic bag. "You don't look like you've been eating either, so I brought you something. Don't tell anyone in the hospital. It's against policy." She glared at BEAR. "You didn't see this," she said.
She had brought him a take-out container of soup with pork. "It's better than hospital food. I want you to eat all of it, ok?"
"I'll try," Kakashi said. "It's a lot of food."
She leaned forward and pinched his cheek, accidently giving him a good view of her chest. "But you'll do it for me, won't you?"
"Yes, Tsunade-hime," he said, his voice breaking again.
After she left he ate, surprised at how hungry he was. "I forgot how good real food is," he said. After he ate about half he offered the rest to BEAR. "You want some?"
BEAR shook his head. "I don't eat meat. You should eat as much as you can anyway. You'll feel better when you get some strength back. As the body goes, so goes the mind."
"I dreamed about my team," Kakashi said.
"I'm surprised you dreamed at all," BEAR said. "Most people don't when they take that pill."
"It was a good dream," Kakashi said. "I haven't had a good dream since… I don't remember when."
"Think about that dream when you're down," BEAR said.
They were interrupted by a knock. Minato stuck his head inside. "I had some free time this morning, so I thought I'd drop in."
The awkwardness between them the day before was almost gone. "It's killing me sitting here when there's so much to be done," Kakashi said. "How is the reconstruction going?"
"Slowly," Minato said. "They're re-opening the academy, and the children who didn't see much action are getting special senseis to help them adjust."
"What are they going to do with the rest of us?" Kakashi asked.
"The council is still trying to decide. I know the Hokage is putting a lot of thought into this. We won't let you kids slip away from us."
"Sensei…er, Minato san," Kakashi began.
"Just Minato," Kakashi's former sensei said. "You're no longer my student, but I hope you will always be my friend."
"If you still want that after what I did," Kakashi said.
"After what Obito did," Minato said. "We need to remember how much he wanted to give to the people he loved."
He held his hand out to Kakashi. "I'm leaving on a long mission soon, and I wanted to see you before I left. I'm arranging the final settlements with what's left of the Iwas."
"How can you smile about that after what happened?" Kakashi asked.
"Because making peace means that we don't have to see more people we love die," Minato said. "Obito would have wanted it."
"He would," Kakashi said. "Good luck out there. I don't think I could do it. I hate them all."
"There's something I want you to remember," Minato said. "An enemy is usually an enemy just because he landed on a different side of a conflict. There's no evil in that. The Iwas aren't bad people just because we fought each other."
"I understand," Kakashi said. "I'll miss you teaching me things like that."
"Friends teach each other too," Minato said.
"You seem cheerful today," BEAR said when they were alone again.
"Things seem better," Kakashi said.
"Do you do this often – changing moods so fast?"
"Dad always said I was too mopey. He said I take after him that way."
"Hmmm…" BEAR said. "You run hot and cold in your soul, don't you?"
"I guess," Kakashi said.
"Balance would be a good thing for you to focus on," Kakashi. "We won't have much more time together here, but I hope you'll come to me after you leave. I've enjoyed getting to know you."
"It's been easier with you and CAT here," Kakashi said. "I think there are some things only ANBU can understand about each other."
"Very well put," BEAR said. "CAT should be here in a couple hours. Do you want to play a game of Shoji?"
Kakashi lost the game, to his surprise. There's a lot more to BEAR than there seems to be. I don't know that anyone really knows him.
