"Did you see the shape she was in last night? Tsukasa, damnit! She's not going to survive the week at this rate!"
"And for what? It isn't helping anything at all. Did you ever ask what she really wanted done? She didn't want this, I can guarantee you that."
"All she has to do is go and testify." Tsukasa crossed his arms obstinately and glared back at the two men before him.
"That's not All!" Akira growled, "I told you and I told you, look at what this is doing to her life! She has a career."
"Had a career." Soujiro interrupted pessimistically.
"Had a career. Whatever. She did her thing, and so okay she wasn't happy. But she was doing about as well as could be expected before we showed up."
"Arguably," Soujiro put forth, "It's we that have ruined her life."
"Nonsense." Tsukasa spat. "It started with Jun."
"It could have ended there too. So she's fucked up. She was still more functional than us!"
"She's lost another ten pounds since you filed the papers."
"How the hell do you know that shit?"
"I know women." Soujiro shrugged, "besides Akira and I bought the clothes for her court appearance, we had to go down another size than we had reckoned on." He sounded extremely put out by this.
"But that's besides the point." Akira continued, "Just let her end it, before she has to take the stand. Jun's got good lawyers, the cross-examination is going to be brutal. Don't put her through that shit. Rui, come on man, can you back us up?"
Rui, hitherto silent, just shook his head. "What's the point? The damage is done."
"Fuck!" Soujiro cursed, "You're the one who's supposed to be in love with her, big help you are. The hell is wrong with you two?"
"Give it up, Soujiro." Akira pulled on his friend's arm, trying to tug him out of the room. For a moment there, it had looked like Soujiro's temper was going to explode. His or Tsukasa's both. It had been months since they'd last come to blows. Best if they didn't start again now. "It's obvious that they're both lost in testosterone haze. Some Neanderthalithic vision of revenge."
"Revenge I get." Soujiro let himself be pulled away, as Akira headed up the stairs for bed, "But this isn't revenge. She doesn't care about that. She just wants to be let alone."
"You're sure?" Akira gave his friend a rather piercing look.
"Yeah." Soujiro sounded as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "She's too compassionate for her own good. If it were up to her, none of this would have happened,"
"If it were up to her," Akira paused as Soujiro climbed into bed, "she never would have met us. So why doesn't she just call the whole thing off, then? I did warn her it wouldn't be pretty. That no good could come of it."
Soujiro just propped himself up on one elbow and stared at Akira as if he were an imbecile. "Think about it a second."
Akira did, his forehead wrinkling in thought for a long moment. Then, "Oh. Shit. Goddamnit!" Now he was the one who wanted to hit someone.
"Yeah." Soujiro sighed. "Took me a while to figure it out too."
"She's doing it because she thinks Tsukasa wants this. That it will help him – us to triumph in our own professional crisis." Akira spoke slowly, testing out the feel of these words spoken aloud. He didn't much like the taste they left in his mouth, and he'd only just brushed his teeth at that.
"MmmHmm. . . " Soujiro sighed, and draped an arm over Akira's chest. "Damn, you just don't feel like a girl."
"Dude, I don't have breasts," Akira frowned at Soujiro's abrupt change of topic, "And speaking of which – it's been a long time since you slept out. What's up with that? Become addicted to the sound of my snoring? Or wait – don't tell me you've turned gay, 'cause I'm seriously not into that shit. Sometime, you know I would like the bed to myself."
"No. . ." Soujiro denied, ignoring Akira's last complaint, "Just haven't been in the mood is all."
"What? You catch some STD? You sure you're feeling all right?"
"I'm fine. As well as can be expected." Soujiro sighed, "Just let it drop, ok."
"Whatever. I'm going to sleep." Akira reached over to shut the light off and closed his eyes.
A long time later, Soujiro let out a heavy sigh.
"What?" Akira hadn't been sleeping either.
"I don't want tomorrow to come."
"Shit." Akira grimaced, It had been a long time since Soujiro had sounded so bad. He'd used to say that a lot, back when they'd been three, with nothing to look forward on the new day's dawning, except a drunken Tsukasa and another day of misery. "It's going to be okay. Really. The doc's strong. She'll be fine." Trying to convince himself as much as Soujiro.
"Not as strong as you'd think. You should know that by now."
"What do you mean?"
"Like us. Like me. I look pretty good on the outside most days right?"
"Yeah."
"But how many people know this? That I can't sleep alone? That's weak."
"But you have us." Akira felt a pang, knowing the truth of his friend's words.
"And she has?"
"She has us, too."
"We're the ones weakening her."
"You think too much." Akira reached over and gave Soujiro's shoulders a rough squeeze. "You keep that up, I'll start to confuse you with Rui."
"Ummm. . . ." Soujiro lapsed into a contemplative silence. A silence that stretched on, and lasted the remainder of the night.
And then it was morning. Tsukushi stumbled through breakfast, numb with dread. She hardly acknowledged the concerned looks of the F4 around the breakfast table, the way Rui hugged her on her way down the stairs, or the way Tsukasa's gaze followed her out the door. She didn't see Akira's wan smile of encouragement or Soujiro's thumbs up. All she saw was the haze of tiredness that turned her world to grey. She hadn't slept. And her insomniac mantra, her ritual chant, "I'm ok. It will be ok. . . ." It hadn't soothed her at all. She no longer believed in it.
Somehow, she got to the courthouse, found her seat, sat rigidly waiting for her turn in hell. She never saw the eyes that had followed her, as she walked down the hallway on the way to the courtroom. The recognition and the sudden anger, the search for those to blame. The silent vow. Behind Tsukushi, waiting his turn on the witness stand, Dr. Amon Kunisawa clenched his fists in fury, and reminded himself why he was here.
The morning wore on, Tsukushi forcing herself to remain numb to the events around her. And then, too soon, she was called to the stand. She felt as though her legs had turned to jelly as she stood up, walked the few paces across the room, swore her oath and took a seat. She bit her lip so hard to stop the trembling, that it bled. Before her, she could only see Jun, staring at her avidly, a hungry longing in his eyes. She dared not look back, to where the F4 sat, she didn't want to read in their eyes too, how pathetic she looked up here, what a fool she made of herself. She didn't consider herself a brave person, merely one who did what had to be done. Did this have to be done? She still didn't know. But the only way out is through, and so she sat, and when asked, repeated her story, as concisely as she could. And while her voice started out clear and strong, her best attempt at maintaining her poise, it wasn't long before it trembled and broke, the tears springing embarrassingly to her eyes. By the time she'd ended, she was red-faced, sniveling in embarrassment as much as in shame and anger. How she hated the false sympathy exuding from the crowd, the eyes watching her, evaluating, the Jury wondering did she tell truth or lie, were her tears an act? This was not how she wanted to be seen, not the way she would have preferred her life to be judged.
A few more innocent questions from her lawyers, the prosecution diligently doing their job to clarify and verify, to strengthen her case. And then, the cross examination, the lawyer standing tall, sneering in a cold baritone at her, nastily trying to shred holes in her story, probing if perhaps she was lying, if she hadn't been a willing girlfriend to Jun. What she had to gain by this charade. And then, after all that, the questions she'd been dreading even more, the fiasco that she knew would come.
"Isn't it true, Dr. Makino, that you've become. . . friendly. . . with the members of the band F4?"
"Umm. . . yes. . but. . "
"And isn't it true that you were also their psychiatrist for quite some time?"
"Only for Mr. Hanazawa and Mr. Doumyouji."
"Ah, indeed, I was under the impression that you'd treated all four."
"Well you were mistaken." She snapped back, her nerves strained to the breaking point, wishing he would just ask what he wanted and get it over with.
Finally, the objection by her lawyer, what relevance did this questioning have, and the judge's response, that the prosecution should hurry up and get to the point.
"The point. Yes well then, Dr Makino. It has come to my client's attention that you have behaved most unprofessionally towards your patients . . . Isn't it true, Dr. Makino, that you have become. . .shall we say, Involved with the F4?"
"I don't know what you're trying to imply." Tsukushi snapped, though she knew quite well, "Are you asking if I've fucked the F4?" Across the courtroom, there were scattered gasps and laughter, and a huge scowl from the judge at her choice of words, but Tsukushi barreled on, unheeding, her characteristic bluntness taking over, "Then, No. I've had no orgies with the band. What the hell do you think? It is true, however, that I've become friends with the band, and I have moved in with them on a temporary basis, but only after we severed our client-doctor relationship." She was skimming the verge of the truth here, but her anger served her well.
"So you're saying you haven't had sexual relations with the F4? Not even Soujiro Nishikado?"
"I most certainly have not!" Tsukushi was getting more upset the longer this conversation continued, "Just because Soujiro is a bit of a philanderer, does not mean that I ever had any desire to join the notches on his bedpost. Now I still don't see where the relevance of this is to what happened between Jun and I seven years ago"
"But it is true, is it not, that you are involved in an intimate way with Tsukasa Doumyouji? Remember, you have sworn an oath to tell the truth," the lawyer persisted gamely. Junpei had sworn up and down that Dr. Makino had to be putting out for the band.
"No, I am not." Tsukushi stated flatly, glaring at the lawyer with all the hate she could muster.
"Remember your oath." The lawyer admonished firmly, "You were seen, even photographed, with Mr. Doumyouji in a most compromising position, and you now live with him, do you still deny that you are involved in a most unprofessional relationship with your former patient?"
"I am not now involved with, nor have I ever," Tsukushi bit off each word clearly and distinctly, "had sex with Tsukasa Doumyouji. Those tabloid pictures you refer to happened to catch us the day that a) we agreed to sever our professional relationship, and b) more importantly, that Mr. Doumyouji found out about my past history with Mr. Oribe. Moreover, while since then, it might be said that our friendship and cohabitation is unethical, I don't see how that is in the least related to this case now. If, in the future, either Mr. Hanazawa or Mr. Doumyouji wishes to sue me for malpractice over my behavior towards them, they would be well within their rights to do so, and my malpractice insurance would not cover it, based on our living situation. This is true. But that is between them and me. Now get to the point or let me get off the stand." In the back of the audience, Tsukasa was grinning a fiercely predatory grin, proud of Tsukushi's performance. She was holding up well, telling the truth while letting the critical points slide, evading the traps as they sprang at her. He'd known she'd rise to the occasion. Her prickly personality may not win her empathy points, but her outrage came off sincerely, and made her sound all that much more truthful. Akira and Rui, were breathing secret sighs of relief that the lawyer hadn't considered them as more obvious targets to question Tsukushi about. Tsukasa hadn't realized how narrow his escape had been, hadn't realized that perhaps he should be thankful, for Tsukushi's own sake now, that she hadn't yet succumbed to his pursuit.
The lawyer looked skeptical, allowing himself one sarcastic shrug before continuing once more, "Indeed, Dr Makino? Then you deny that it was the influence of the F4 that put you up to this charade? You deny that this is merely a ploy to smear the reputation of an innocent man, so that those four men you call "friends" can achieve their own financial goals?"
"Charade?" Tsukushi fumed, furious now, and wondering why her lawyers had let this go on. This treatment was out of line, and had no place in a court of law. "You dare call this a charade?"
"Miss Makino. . . please calm down. . . "
"That's Doctor Makino." And now her eyes were spitting fury. "My life is not a charade. You think I wanted to be here? This, this shit! This charade, as you call it, is ruining my life. There are two reasons I'm here, that I will admit." She stormed on, barreling over the judge who looked as though he were strongly tempted to rule her in contempt. "The first reason, is not because I want money from Jun, or because I want to punish him. All it is, is that I want to be left alone. I could live with the fact that he raped me. I was prepared never to tell anyone about it, but just to get on with my life. But unfortunately for me, our paths crossed again. And this time, he would not let me be. The police wouldn't do anything when I told them he was following me. So what could I do about his harassment? I thought maybe, just maybe, if I went public, he'd have to leave me alone So no, I'm not here for a charade, I'm not here because I wanted this utter humiliation. None of you fuckers need to know about my private life. If Jun could just have left me alone, this wouldn't have happened. But you know what, you were right about the second thing, I am here because the F4 wanted me to. They thought the world should know the scum that Junpei is. I don't necessarily agree, but there it is. I don't however lie. Anyone who knows me knows that. Its not my fault if you can't handle the truth." She was panting now, and realizing this, she finally shut up. Staring at the lawyer as if daring him to question her.
"Really?" he tried once more, "You're not in it for the money? It's a hefty sum of damages you're asking."
"Yes. It is." Tsukushi agreed, her jaw clenched, "To be entirely honest, it's about what we guessed would bankrupt Jun. My lawyers made me a chart of how we justified it all, based on my emotional suffering, and lost wages from the shit hitting the fan as a result of this fiasco, plus my medical bills for the therapy that I should be in myself, and all that shit. But the truth is that it is totally based on what we think he can pay. It's also true that I'm not getting one single cent of it. If you had read your files we sent you more carefully, you'd see that of any potential awards I receive, I have signed it all away, promising that, after my lawyer's fees, one third is going to the soup kitchen that I volunteer at, one third is going to a heroin addiction treatment program for the local homeless community, and one third is going to a rape crisis intervention program. So you can stop with your fucking implications that I'm in this for the money. Because I don't want it."
"Bravo." Soujiro murmured in the back row, sorely tempted to clap his hands. Tsukushi was holding up better than he'd expected, as if her outrage fueled her spirit. He only hoped that she could keep it up for the rest of the trial.
But then, at last it was over, and Tsukushi returned with a thankful sigh to her seat, as the defense lawyer spoke with a sigh, "No more questions." What a fiasco of a cross examination that had been.
"Great!" Tsukushi's lawyer spoke with glee, as the next witness was called.
"Kazuya Aoike"
Tsukushi flinched visibly, and turned a sickly shade of grey as a short, pleasant-faced young man took the stand. Kazuya didn't look a day over 18, though he was 9 years older than that. Almost as if he hadn't changed a bit since college. He smiled nervously at the jury and judge as he took the oath, and spoke in a rush, as if overwhelmed to be found in such a place. And when he made the mistake of looking over at Tsukushi, he stuttered and stammered apologetically, as if with a bad case of brain-freeze.
"Oh god." Tsukushi groaned, wishing she could die. As if this ordeal weren't humiliating enough, already. It could only make her wonder what further horrors lay in store for her before this trial was over. But now Kazuya was speaking, telling his version of events in a squeakily tremulous voice.
"I went to school, umm, that's college, with Tsukushi, err Ms. Err Dr. Tsukushi. 'Course she wasn't a doctor then, but yeah. We became friends during freshman orientation. Umm, she helped me find my groups, 'cause I was so confused. . . We eventually ended up living in the same dorm. She helped me with my classes, and making friends and everything. She was my best friend, back then. Everyone loved her. Until he came along."
"He?" the prosecutor interjected.
"Yeah. Him. Over there." Kazuya pointed, "Junpei Oribe. He still looks scary."
"Objection!" from the defense lawyer.
"Mr. Aoike, you will refrain from such matters of opinion. Please limit your testimony to the facts." The stern injunction of the judge.
"But isn't opinion important?" Kazuya protested weakly, "How can I tell the story without telling why it happened? I mean, I wasn't exactly there at every hour of every day."
"Evidence, Mr. Aoike, is fact. Not opinion."
"I don't. . . Ok. . whatever." Kazuya gave up and continued, "That creep. Junpei. He started hanging out with Tsukushi's crowd. I overheard him one day telling some of her other friends that she'd been gossiping about them to her and that he knew all their dirty secrets now. But that's not true. Tsukushi would never do a thing like that!"
"Mr. Aoike!"
"What? Oh I was doing it again, wasn't I? Sorry." He look abashed, an embarrassed flush creeping across his face. "Anyway. That's not the worst thing. He threatened me. Told me to stay away from Tsukushi or he'd beat me up. I'm not the kind of guy that gets into fights! I'm not! What was I going to do? Tsukushi was in love with him. Who was she gonna believe? Him or me? And he was scary. A really creepy guy. I stayed away. I failed her. I should have done something. But I was so scared." Kazuya began to sniffle, the prelude to an out-and-out bawl-fest. "I'm sorry, Tsukushi, I really am!" and he was wailing now, as the courtroom looked on in outraged horror. Seven years too late to be of use to anyone.
"And you didn't do anything? Didn't try to warn Tsukushi Makino at all? This girl who'd helped you so much?" The prosecutor interjected before Kazuya's wailing could get any more out of hand.
"No. . ." He moaned, "Well. . . Not at first. I avoided her, but I watched her in class and when I saw her around campus, she looked so unhappy all the time. She didn't have any friends anymore, just him. I had to do something. So maybe it's all my fault really. . . . I waited, one day, when I heard from a friend that their frat was taking a trip and I, I told her."
"What did you tell Dr. Makino?"
"I. I told her what he'd said to me, the threats he'd made, and the nasty things he'd said to her other friends. So It's all my fault, what came after. If I kept my mouth shut like he'd said. She wouldn't have been hurt! It should have been me instead!"
"Oh god." Tsukushi repeated again, as she stared at Kazuya in horror, wanting to tell the man that it wasn't his fault. That it had never been. But from where she sat, she could do nothing, simply listen to her lawyer droning on.
"And what did Dr. Makino say to your allegations?"
"Well," Kazuya sniffled, "She didn't believe me at first. But then, she got this look, you know, of determination. She was so strong. She said that it explained a lot, that she would confront him that night. And she smiled at me." Kazuya closed his eyes at the memory, "You've never seen the sun until you've seen her smile."
"And what happened then?"
"I didn't see her for a few days, "But when I saw her in the café the next week, she looked different. The black eye was obvious. I thought her arms were bruised too, but she was wearing long sleeves, so I don't know for sure. She breathed like it hurt. But that wasn't the worst. She looked older, sadder. She wouldn't talk to me, and I never saw her smile again, not the way she used to. I knew it was my fault, and I admit. I'm not brave. I ran away. I never stopped running since. But I miss her. I miss the Tsukushi I used to know. And something else too," he hastily continued before the lawyer could cut him off, "I hate that Junpei Oribe. I hate him for hurting her. I never knew what he did, or why. But he did hurt her. Of that I have no doubt."
"Thank you, Mr. Aoike. No further questions."
Tsukushi felt her heart breaking again, as if by changing she had failed yet another person, the boy who had been her friend so long ago. The naïve boy she remembered, with the innocent grin and sparkling eyes, older now, sadder, riddled with guilt. She could have prevented it maybe, if she'd explained things to him, that there were things that couldn't be changed, and no one to blame but herself.
"Mr. Aoike." The defense attorney stepped up next, "Isn't it true that you were in love with Tsukushi?"
"What? . . . Well, yeah." Kazuya admitted in a small voice as his cheeks reddened.
"And isn't it true, that you were jealous of Mr. Oribe for catching Tsukushi's eye?"
"Well. . maybe a little."
"And you hoped to win her for yourself, by slandering him in her eyes."
"It wasn't slander! I only told the truth."
"The truth is that you never had a chance with her."
"You don't know anything! You don't know Tsukushi!"
"He. . . loved me?" Tsukushi whispered to herself in shock. She'd never known. Had she really been that oblivious?
"Admit it Mr. Aoike, The only reason you're here right now is to revenge yourself on my client, for shaming you in front of the one girl you wanted to impress."
"Now that's a lie!" Kazuya flared up. "What need do I have for revenge? I ran away, sure, but I'm not a total failure. I made a bundle in the dot com bubble, I've got a beautiful wife I love very much, and a two year old daughter. Who needs revenge? I'm hear because I got a phone call from a very nice lawyer who said that Tsukushi needed my help. So I said sure, I'd testify. I found my own happiness, doesn't she deserve the chance to do the same without the past following her, too?"
"Is that really why you're here? Only out of a selfless sense of obligation? How very noble. But tell the jury the truth, now, that you're still in love with her."
"I have a wife and family." Kazuya set his jaw stubbornly, like a two year-old, "I will say no such thing." He hoped it didn't show, that he was lying. As long as he stuck to his guns a little longer, no one would know. A wife and daughter he might have, but Tsukushi had always been his angel. Always and forever, no matter what life might do to her.
"No further questions." The lawyer sighed in defeat, even as Tsukushi's team rubbed their hands in glee. They hadn't been sure of Kazuya. At first, he'd seemed such a pushover, a shallow fop. But one should never underestimate the power of love and hate. They'd coached him hard, and he'd done his job well.
"The court calls Dr. Amon Kunisawa to the stand."
She'd known it was coming. If they'd got Kazuya, they'd get Amon. Of course. A whole parade of her past. Tsukushi sighed and tried not to look at him, the man who'd taken her broken pieces and forged them into something functional, something that could pass for human. He hadn't done it out of the goodness of his heart, she'd known that, never sure if he'd had a heart or not. She'd never known why he chose to date her, to take her under his wing and teach her the way to act, to get by in a world she could no longer trust. Tsukushi couldn't take it any longer, she lifted her eyes to meet his, the sudden dryness in her throat, the difficulty swallowing telling, her that this was no dream, no lingering nightmare that would vanish when she awoke. He really was there in front of her. Amon Kunisawa, who had never asked her secrets, never said a word about her pain. Who had taken her, and molded her, the way he thought she should be. Like him. And as he winked back at her now, a taunting look, at odds with the cool professionalism of his demeanor, a ripple ran through the courtroom, whispered comments growing to a murmur before being silenced by the banging of the gavel.
"Well, fuck me!" Soujiro exclaimed in the back of the room, his eyes darting back forth.
"He looks. . ." Akira began, "Just like you." his glance settled on Tsukasa.
"We look nothing alike!" Tsukasa fumed. "Nothing at all. The hair. The clothes!" But his friends weren't the only ones who'd noticed a similarity, and heads were turning all over the room, comparing one to the other.
"Explains a lot, doesn't it?" Soujiro whispered, just as the gavel came down, limiting Akira's response to a wide-eyed nod, and a glance towards Tsukushi, as if to ask, why she'd never mentioned the similarity.
Tsukushi hadn't mentioned the fact that Tsukasa and Amon could almost have been clones, as she'd spent the better part of the past few years trying not to think about Amon. Almost as hard as she'd tried not to think about Junpei. But now she didn't have a choice. Like the jury, like Junpei, she was a captive here, forced to listen to testimony she'd rather not hear, details of her life she'd have preferred never to see the light of day. Even the sound of Amon's voice, it weakened her, reminded her of promises she couldn't keep, of words and deeds too long left unsaid, undone. But now the lawyer was speaking, and her traitorous ears couldn't stop the words.
"Dr. Kunisawa has agreed to join us today, not only in his capacity as an old friend of Dr. Makino, but also, in his medical capacity as well, as an expert witness for the prosecution."
"And just what sort of expert opinions will this man be rendering?" the judge rasped impatiently. He was becoming rather put out with the prosecution's showmanship and poorly managed witnesses. With a wave of his hand, he peremptorily summoned the two opposing lawyers to approach the bench for a private consultation.
"He is prepared to detail psychiatric opinions as to the extent of the emotional damage the plaintiff has suffered at the hands of the accused." Explained the prosecutor to the judge's questioning glance.
"Oh really?" the defense attorney interjected, "It was my understanding that this man is a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
"True. If you'd prefer, we could have an eminent psychiatrist come and say the exact same things, you'll note, we've got a couple in the witness list. But this man is a doctor. And he knows the plaintiff well. We thought we'd kill two birds with one stone. After all, the psychiatrist we consulted said, and I quote, "'Any child could diagnose a psych patient, ever since they wrote that damned book.' The book he's referring to, being the DSM-IV-R, soon to be the DSM-V, the current manual of psychiatric diagnoses. He went on to say that based on his judgment, Dr. Makino is a classic case. So, yeah, we can have the expert expert come in and say these things, but it would just waste more time. So can we get on with it?"
"This is highly irregular, you realize."
"Yes, we do, but we have confidence in our case."
"You'd better." A stern warning, "I'll let it pass, but it's my opinion you're making a mistake."
Indeed, the defense attorney was practically having hysterics thinking of all the ways he could undermine the credibility and authority of this witness. How hard could it be? A surgeon, and only a resident at that, professing to play shrink to his ex-girlfriend. What was the world coming to? The man laughed, and went back to his seat, imagining what a great reality show this farce would have been.
"All right then," the prosecutor cleared his throat, "Dr. Kunisawa, how do you know the plaintiff?"
And with that little prompting, Amon began to speak. . . .
TBC
- - - I admit, not the greatest place to end the chapter. Nor is it the most exciting chapter in the world. But there it is. Hard to find time to continue a thought these days, when I'm working 730-530, and driving 90 miles a day on top of that. But I did have a great thought for a plot twist in this never ending soap opera the other day. Only time will tell if it gets written that way or not. Or even if this damned thing will ever end. But trust me, its unlikely to end the way you expect. Or the way many seem to want. (which is true no matter what I do, as everyone has their own ideas as to what they want). - - -
