The past month had fortunately for me, flew by. I had golf meets almost every other day, Edward still keeping me preoccupied, speech writing and more mob snooping. And somehow, that had all gone by in the blink of an eye. I had graduated from high school and only had two things left. State championships for golf, and Edward's return.
I had been the number 1 player in the state all of the season, and I was expected to dominate the tournament. As I looked around the course at the teams scattered around, and then my own team, I felt sadness.
I hated change.
I had only been out of school for a week, and I was already missing all my classmates. I was never going to see all of them on a regular school day again. And I was now at my last golf meet. I would never play in the high school conference anymore. Brenner would never be my coach again. I would never feel the awesome excitement I had to start playing and win, again.
I looked around the golf course, seeing the environment I loved to be in. My thoughts were thousands of miles away as the conference coordinator gave us a refresher of rules. Her voice droned on endlessly, saying stuff I had heard every meet since freshmen year. Rose stood next to me, her golf bag hanging on her shoulders, wearing a black skirt and light blue shirt. She kept shifting her weight, bored.
As the woman continued to talk, I turned around and looked at the crowd of parents, and other family and friends who wanted to watch our rounds. Ignoring Rose's pointed throat clearing at my obvious ignoring of the lady, I scanned the crowd. My eyes finally landed on Carlisle and Esme's. They were standing there in a quiet conversation with Rose's mom Cam. I sighed and turned back to the speech.
It seemed like just yesterday I had been hearing this speech, but Edward had been standing next to Carlisle. I couldn't even fathom that a whole year had gone by since then. I wished more than anything that he was home. I knew that I would finally see Edward in just a week, but that didn't make me miss him any less. I was just as frustrated as he was that he was missing so much of my life. As the woman continued about integrity, I thought back to the letter I had gotten the morning of my graduation.
Dear Bella,
I had thought that when picking up a pen and sitting down to write you a letter again, it would be weird and I'd have trouble getting back into it. As I write this I find that I was wrong. Writing letters to you is the most natural thing in the world for me.
By the time you get this, you might even be a graduate of high school. If you haven't yet received your diploma; relax. I know you. You're probably having a freak out about your speech. There's no need. I know you'll just kill up there. I mean really, you kick ass at absolutely everything you ever do, why would being a valedictorian be any different?
I know you know how much I want to be there and actually see it. And believe me babe, if I could, I'd be on a plane in a heart beat. But here's the thing I love about you, you're able to go on and be strong without me. You're such a strong woman. I'm so proud of you.
Do me a favor, today (if today is your graduation at least,) when you get up onto that stage ready to do your speech. Look out at all of our classmates. Look at your friends and your teachers that you've had for the past four years. Whether you think of it this way or not, these people were such a big help to you. By giving mindless distractions to you throughout the years, they've unknowingly taken your mind off of all the crap that you've had to put up with. You could've done it without them, there's not a doubt in my mind. But I feel nothing but gratitude for these people who've been there for you when I wasn't.
It's weird isn't it, getting ready for your life to change? You will no longer be in high school with those people, and you might never see them again. I understand it. As I write this, sitting down in the rec. room, I look around to all of my soldiers, and Jasper's, and Emmett's. In a few weeks we won't be here any longer. And when we touch down in the US, nothing is going to be the same. I don't know if I'll ever see any of my guys again. I don't know if they're going to go back to war, and how they'll fare if they do. These men and women have been my family for the past three years. I don't know how I'll adjust to not being with them after my enlistment is up.
But as I look around the room at my brothers, I can't help but feel a sense of peace. They're going to go on with their lives, and we're going to remember our time in Iraq where we absolutely had to all trust each other and protect one another's backs. I'm not dreading our farewell. It won't be easy, but I've had to do much harder things in my life. Saying goodbye to you last summer and leaving you in the airport was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. In the plane after take off I went into the bathroom and cried. I haven't cried since I was 16. And in the air, flying away from you, I just broke down.
Saying goodbye to my squad isn't something I want to do. But when I look at them…I can't help but make one comparison…they're not Bella. I'll miss them, but being with you is all that I want. I don't want this rootless existence with my life only living for the United States government. That was my life before you sent me that first letter. But now, I only live for you.
God, I still remember getting your letter like it was yesterday, and yes, I am laughing as I write this. I was in the very spot where I write this when I read it. I still have your letters actually, all of them. I had never been more surprised from mail. I looked the envelope for like 10 minutes, trying to remember a "Bella Swan." I still can't believe you asked me if I liked Christina Angulaira! You were the most random girl I had ever met. I thought you were cute from the moment I finished your letter. I guess that's why I think I called you…what was it…a smiley girl? Over the past year, I've learned that I was nothing but accurate in that first assumption. You are the most fun person I've ever met, and I'm so glad that I have the rest of my life to spend with you.
I didn't think you would even give me a response to my letter back to you, much less expect a package. I think when I opened the package…that was when I started to fall in love with you. Your pure generosity and kind heart surprised me. You are so selfless, I always feel inferior. I remember when the guys were watching the first episode of the TV show you sent us, thinking how proud I was. I was proud that you were the girl writing to me. And I still don't know why out of all the profiles on AnySoldier that you picked me. But you doing that was the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I know I signed up for this. I signed up for the army knowing that we were in a time where I would most definitely be deployed. I had been alright with that before I met you. Now I just want them to let me come home. I've had my run. I've done my duty to this country, and I don't have any regrets. But I'm just done.
The army was a dumb dream. That's arguable, I know it, and in the end, I know I don't really mean it. But when I was a kid in history class, I couldn't think anything better of the soldiers we learned about. I wanted to be like that; not a mafia kid. Even though we hadn't met when I enlisted in the army, you've always believed in me. I couldn't love you more for it.
Everyday that passes by is just another day that has come without you. I watch the desert sun set every night, and I think of you. I think of all you've had to go through without me, and I feel like the biggest bastard. I don't want you to have to be alone any longer.
I just want to go home. I want to be home so fucking badly. I feel so fucking alone here. I have friends, and I have my squad, but without you, I'm absolutely nothing. I don't want this to be my life anymore, ever since last July when I got back here from being with you, I feel like I'm living someone else's life. And in a way I am, because my life is where you are.
Hold on baby, I know you're tired of this. I am too. I want to go home, and I know you know how much I miss you. I'm way too far from where you are. I'm just as done with this as you are. It'll all be all right soon. I'm coming back home.
Sincerely,
Sergeant Masen
Edward's letter had made me cry. I had kept it bottled in since prom, but when I read his letter, I broke down and had a long cleansing cry. Every so often it felt good to be assured that I was doing okay. Sometimes I felt so whiny when I told him I missed him, I worried that I could be stressing him out when I did that.
Getting that letter from Edward a couple weeks had been just what I needed. I loved getting letters from Edward, because they he wrote made me feel like most special girl in the world. They also made me remember what had really started this relationship. Writing that letter to Edward had been the best thing I had ever done. And I was so lucky to be in the relationship I was in.
When Edward said things like "the rest of my life with you," they didn't freak me out. Normally, being the kind of person that I am, that would absolutely send me into a panic. But with Edward, I just looked forward to it. I was content to know that he was the only man I wanted to be with. Without a doubt in my mind, I knew there would never be another. When I thought to our future, the only thing I felt was excitement.
My musings were broken by Rosalie's bag carelessly whacking in me in the side when she turned. I yelped and glared at her when she turned. She grinned innocently, "Good luck!" she told me sincerely, walking to find her group and giving me a parting wave. I wished her the same before I went to find Brenner.
The top four girls in their conferences played together, and we started on a hole far away from the club house. All of our coaches gave us a ride individually to that hole on a golf cart. In the back of my mind, I was sad that this was the last hole he would be carting me out to. I located him twirling a set of keys in his hand with a lazy, confident grin on his face.
Taking my bag of clubs from me and starting out in the direction of where all the carts where parked Brenner said, complaining, "Do I have to give you one of those sentimental pep talks?"
"You mean like the stellar one you gave me last year?" I asked sarcastically. Last year I had gotten "You know that Shakespeare quote...the one about greatness? I can't remember it now; but let's pretend I did," as my speech. It really did wonders to my confidence level.
Brenner smirked as he strapped my clubs on the back of the cart and I slid into the seat. "Oh come on! That one took me like a week to think of!" he exclaimed, making me roll my eyes and laugh under my breath. He grinned as he slid into the seat next to me and turned on the cart. We couldn't go anywhere until some of crowd started to go to their designated places.
"What kind of pep talk did Rose get exactly?" I questioned accusingly.
Brenner looked stumped for a second as he tried to remember, "Um," he started, racking his brains as he started the cart, "I think I gave her a Finding Nemo quote?"
"Your favorite movie?" I teased as he turned onto the cart path, the wind of the low speed making my pony tailed hair fly back.
"No!" he exclaimed, "Toy Story is my favorite movie," he clarified. I grinned and shook my head.
After a moment, Brenner looked over at me, one of the few times I had actually seen him serious, "You going to be okay without Edward?" he asked, quietly concerned.
I felt a weird pang in my stomach of longing. I always felt it when someone asked about Edward. But it always took me by surprised. I looked out at the golf course, thinking about my man in Iraq. I knew he was thinking about me too. How did I know? My nose itched.
When I looked back, Brenner was still watching me, waiting for my reaction. I swallowed back the small lump in my throat and nodded a little bit, but then I nodded again firmly. "I'll be fine."
He didn't look convinced, but he bought it for my sake. "Not much time left now, is there?"
I smiled, butterflies in my stomach. I knew the next week would be the longest of my life, but I was ready for the result of it. "He's just missing this by a week."
Brenner nodded, turning his attention back to the fairway he was crossing and the trees he was weaving through. I was convinced he was racing with the number 2 in state's coach. He looked back over at me, worrying me that we would crash into a tree, "And you told me not to get ahead of myself," he shook his head with a grin.
"How do you have such a good memory?" I exclaimed curiously. Brenner always seemed to remember stuff I said months ago.
We had just reached the tee box of my first hole, and Brenner was slowing down behind the other coaches.
"I'm part elephant," he admitted seriously. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
oOo
I took first in the tournament. I was the number one girl's golfer in the state. I know that everyone had been expecting me to win, but to actually make my final putt was a moment I wouldn't be forgetting for a long time. I was so fucking proud of myself.
When I made my last putt, I couldn't help but thinking about Edward. I would have rather had him watching me and place second like last year than place first. Like most exciting things in my life in the past year, it was a bittersweet moment.
The next few hours went by in a familiar yet exhilarating blur. There was a lot of cheering from the girls on my team, Alice, Carlisle and Esme, Brenner…and Cam. I got a really huge ass trophy, and Esme made me take pictures with everyone who had ever helped me in my life.
Last winter I had gotten accepted into a college about a half hour away from home. They gave me a generous scholarship to play on their golf team for them. I had gotten many other offers for me to come and play golf for college teams, but I wanted to stay closer to Esme and Carlisle. The coach of the team had come to congratulate me and tell me how excited he was to be working with me in the fall.
Slowly the reception hall at the golf course began to clear out, and I was left with a sense of exhausted contentment.
It was kind of ironic actually. The course that the tournament had just taken place was a course I had hated but grown to love. It was the course that I played on the first day that Edward had called me. While Carlisle went to load my clubs, and Esme talked with Brenner and Cam, I made my way to the huge deck that was overlooking the course where Edward and I had first talked.
The sun was just starting to see over the horizon and gave the green course a golden glow. I walked to the railing of the deck and rested my elbows on it, quietly looking over the course, left to my own thoughts.
I couldn't really tell you what I was thinking at the time, I don't even know if I was thinking, I was just…feeling. I was proud of myself, that was evident, but I couldn't help feel the all too familiar sense of loneliness. Having Edward next to me, right then and there would have been perfect. I had too many of those moments, perfects moments if only I was with someone.
Having half of my heart in Iraq was so hard.
I was broken out of my spiral towards sadness by a pestering buzzing coming from my pocket. I sighed, daring myself to hope who was calling as I reached back and grabbed my cell phone.
"Hello?" I answered, praying that it was my soldier calling me. Other than the letter, I hadn't heard from him in three weeks.
"Hi baby." I smiled softly at the sound of his gentle voice. "How'd it go?" he asked.
"Pretty good," I reported with a grin.
"Kicked ass?" he asked with what sounded like a smirk. I laughed quietly. Edward had been telling me to kick ass at my golf tournaments for over a year now.
"A whole lot of it."
"That's my girl," he congratulated with soft pride. He sounded tired which was reasonable since it was like four in the morning over there. "Did you get my flowers?"
"No…?" I trailed off, curious for an explanation.
"Dammit Alice…" he grumbled and then sighed. "Well I got you flowers."
"Oh, well you shouldn't have," I grinned, flattered. I loved getting random flower deliveries from Edward. They would make me smile for days.
"Believe me; I should have," he said seriously.
"How long do you have?" I asked, referring to the phone call.
"Well, as of now about 40 seconds," he said with apologetic regret. I tried not to sigh too loudly.
"I love you," I told him quietly. If I was ever sure of one thing in my life, it was that.
"I love you too, and I miss you more than you now."
"See you soon," I said, wistfully thinking of the short length of time before I could hold him again.
"Really soon. I can't believe it. I'm finally coming home."
Another airplane, another sunny place
I'm lucky I know but I wanna go home
I've got to go home, let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me
I still feel all alone, I wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I'm coming back home
Home, Blake Shelton
I know this chapter's short and a little boring. But, it's building up the suspense huh? Edward's home next chapter ladies! (There's like half or a third of the chapter in his POV...just FYI)
Btw, a lot of you said that Bella should tell Edward about the FBI in last chapter...she did. I just didn't feel like that conversation fit in the chapter, and I sometimes forget that you aren't all in head and knowing the things I do.
