Chapter 49: Clarity
Rey dozed peacefully in Ben's arms, fading in and out of consciousness every so often. Now, however, she was wide awake, with her head having drooped to his bare chest as they relaxed in slumber.
He was still asleep, and his heart beat steadily under her ear.
In his arms as she was, Rey's aching body did not bother her so much. The wounds from Dxun were healed, of course, but that did not mean she wouldn't feel the trauma. The warmth of Ben underneath and curled around her, however, eased the pain as she supposed she was alleviating his.
Rey was content to lie there, ignoring the digital numbers telling her they had only two hours to go till arrival at Korriban. Lazily, she traced light patterns on his skin with her fingertips, watching their movement intently as she felt him. She could feel the ridges of his scars, and ended up incorporating their jagged edges and stark lines into the patterns she drew. So engrossed was she in her ministrations that Rey did not notice Ben stirring till once large hand moved from its place slung over her back, to twine with her fingers.
"Sleep well?" Rey asked him, her own voice coarse from the nap.
"As well as five hours could afford," he mumbled in return, squeezing her against his chest, "It helped that there were no nightmares."
Rey hummed in agreement, unabashedly revelling in the feeling of being tucked against Ben with those thick blankets swathed around them.
"That," she laughed, "And a mostly undressed girl in your arms."
He snorted lightly, a deep, rumbling chuckle reverberating through his chest, "I suppose that could be part of it, yes."
Rey was not ignorant of the stress that was leaking into his voice, and she sighed.
"Ben," she moved her free hand to rub the back of his neck, "It's going to be alright, you'll see."
His voice was slightly strangled when he spoke again, but still neither of them rose above a whisper, "I can't lose you, Rey. I am terrified of what he'll do to you. . I am terrified of losing you."
Ben had let go of her hand, and was playing with the twine around her neck till his fingers held the kyber crystal.
"Now you understand," she raised her head and kissed his jaw, and shivering when his knuckles brushed her collarbone, "Why I came at all. For fear of losing you."
There was still reluctance in Ben's eyes, but Rey could see the begrudging acceptance grow. He flicked his gaze from hers, and looked to the blue that rushed past the viewport. They sat in silence for a little while, with Ben looking out, and Rey looking at him.
Eventually, his shifting expressions crumbled into words, and he let the crystal drop against her chest again as he trailed his fingers down and over her arm to clutch her lower back again.
"I miss my father every day. Every day I regret what I did, because every single day I'm reminded that killing him- someone I loved- did not wipe out the call to the Light in me-"
Rey didn't say a thing, she just sat back on his lap, and rubbed soothing swirls into his shoulder and neck muscles. Ben did not look like he was finished.
"-And every day since, I've been wondering what it would be like, to give in. To go. Would it even be possible? Would anyone even welcome me at all, after everything?"
He looked at her again, his face bitterly sad and imploring. Her heart ached in her chest, but still she remained quiet.
"-Then I remember all the things I've done," he sighed in deflated defeat, "as a torturer, as a Jedi hunter, as a murderer, and I'm reminded that I don't deserve any of what I dream or wonder of. Never will. It's during such times that I realise there is nothing in the entire Galaxy to make up for everything I've caused."
Rey let her fingertips stretch to brush his jaw, feeling him tremble underneath her. She wanted nothing more than to soothe those lines from his face and make him smile again. It struck her again just how far they had come since Starkiller, and it made her wonder how exactly they had gotten to this point at all. In truth, Ben was right. There was nothing he could do or say that would righteously redeem him in the eyes of those he had hurt. Nothing he could do. But how, then, had they gotten here?
Rey nodded slowly, a tremor running through her gut, "Nothing in the Galaxy. Nothing except forgiveness."
"Forgiven-" His tone was one of disbelief, and she quickly cut him off.
"Forgiveness is not earned, Ben. It is given with a willing heart, and it has no prerequisites. I forgave you long ago. Leia forgave you long ago-"
"I don't deserve it."
"Like I said, no requirements."
Rey placed a feather-light kiss on his lips before sitting back again, and smiling gently at him. He was looking at her with nothing less than bewildered awe.
"What is it?" She cocked her head and frowned slightly as his brows knit.
"You," he sighed, and continued quickly at her confused expression, "This, all of it. All you're doing for me. You're doing all of this, and disregarding all that happened, out of forgiveness?"
"Forgiveness and…More-" His brows shot up, but Rey ignored it.
"-Hard to grasp, huh?" she asked dryly.
Ben shook his head, "Not hard. Impossible."
"Then I'd suggest you start revising your ideas on the impossible, Ben, because your mother does want you home. I want you to come back with me-"
"Poe, Chewie, Luke?" he asked with a wry grimace.
"Poe knows," Rey said simply.
Rey had never seen a man's expression go from assured to floored that quickly.
"K-Knows? Knows what?"
"Knows, Ben. About us. About what we've been doing. Finn knows too, so does Maz-"
"Kanata?" he asked weakly, looking distinctly apprehensive.
"-Kanata," Rey nodded, smiling sheepishly at him, "Maz was actually the one who called me on it all quite early on. You can't lie to that woman-"
"Trust me, I know."
There was a long story behind those rueful words, but Rey would leave that for another time. Perhaps when Maz herself was present.
"Assume that Poe, Finn, and Maz know everything. And I mean everything." Rey could feel her face overheat, and she knew she was probably as red as Jakku's setting sun.
"So," he choked, apprehension replaced by self-consciousness equal if not greater than Rey's, "I take it they won't be surprised at your current state?" He let his eyes flick over her body to where their skin met, before he met her gaze again, a flush dusting his cheeks.
Rey chuckled, happy that she had at least vaguely cheered him, even if it was only a distraction at best. She knew it would all disappear once they got to Korriban.
"Actually, Maz would be. She'd say there were still too many clothes."
Shock flicked over Ben's face for a second before mirth quickly chased it away, and he broke into a deep laugh that made Rey's heart flutter in joy. Force, she enjoyed this man.
"That most certainly is the Maz I remember," he breathed when his laughter had died down, holding her close, "But if Luke and Chewbacca are as I remember them, then I doubt they would be as eager as she."
Rey sighed at his abruptly despondent tone.
"Ben-"
"I destroyed their lives, Rey. Just the same as I did to so many strangers."
"Yes, you did. You did terrible things, Ben," Rey cupped his face and forced him to look at her, "But then again, so have a lot of people, including myself. Now, I can't make you forgive yourself, Ben. But I can promise you that there are people out there who do, and they want you back. Coincidentally," she smirked sarcastically, "One of them just so happens to be sitting in your lap."
"And far too keen to do something incredibly foolish," he muttered.
"Well I'm not asking your permission either."
"Rey-"
The ship jerking out of hyperspace was enough to stop whatever hashed-out argument Ben was going to raise again, and the barren surface of Korriban invaded their view.
"-Fracking hell," he murmured, crushing her to him, "I don't know if I can do this, Rey."
Rey wrapped her arms around him, startled to find that he was trembling, and tenderly pressed her lips to his cheek.
"Again, you don't have a choice in the matter."
She could feel the beat of his heart increase rapidly, and his breath was coming shorter.
"I don't know what he'll do to you, I don't know what he'll make me do to you, I-"
Rey shushed him with a thumb over his lips, "Just promise me, promise me, Ben, that you'll act the part of Kylo Ren. You need to…"
"I know...I will try."
The words sounded like they pained him.
One look between them was enough to convey that there was no turning back now, and the beeping on the dash only solidified that fact. The ship had been spotted and cleared for entry.
Ben was unmoving beneath her, staring with obvious fear at the planet. Rey leant over him to haul their clothes to the co-pilot seat, and tugged their first items out of the bundle.
As she had expected, all joy was sucked out of the cockpit now that Korriban hung beyond.
Reluctantly, he took the shirt she handed him, and shrugged it on, silently assisting her with her tunic's catches afterwards. With a sigh, they threw the blankets to the rear of the ship, and Ben helped her over to the co-pilots seat so that they'd both be able to get the rest of their clothes on. Rey thanked the Force that their clothes were dry.
At least there was less urgency than when she had gotten dressed on Mygeeto, and no need to run. Rey huffed a tiny laugh at the thought.
"What is it?" he asked her quietly.
"Uh," Rey shook her head, buckling up her boots, "Just thinking about, um…Mygeeto" She flashed him a bashful smile, glad that it would hide the nerves that were rather suddenly building in her gut and chest.
He lofted his brows, the faint blush returning to his cheeks, and tugging on his own boots, "Oh?"
Rey shrugged, and averted her eyes, affixing her belt but turning her saber over in her hands.
The cockpit was silent for a long time while Ben guided them down, the air thick with both their anxiety.
When he broke the quiet, it was with an assured, but hushed tone, "I don't regret what happened between us, you know. I don't know what your-"
"I don't regret it either." How it was even possible that her face could redden more, Rey had no idea, but was sure that it was doing exactly that, and she immersed herself in studying her lightsaber hilt to avoid his gaze.
Her cheeks were on fire.
Ben hummed in muted pleasure, "I, uh…Frack I-"
Rey just smiled. Now what could possibly make him so…
"I enjoyed it, Rey," he breathed, his nervousness sparking between them, and the easily open tether that linked their minds.
Oh. That.
She didn't need to look at him to know he was just as flushed as she was.
"So did I, Ben."
They had been so interwoven with each other before, it took distance to make Rey aware that their minds had been comfortably conjoined all this time. Now, she was blatantly aware of the ecstasy that surged from his consciousness at her words.
Rey started to panic then. They would need to fix this…
"Ben…"
She could feel him tense at her abruptly alarmed tone.
"The bond. We need to block it more effectively."
He relaxed marginally, and she realised he had been worried she was going to say something further- something negative- about Mygeeto. Her chest tightened at that, and it left her fighting a ridiculous smile.
Then a new tension entered his form.
"You're right," he said, fear colouring his tone, "But I- I don't know how to block as effectively as you do."
Rey wracked her brain in gradually increasing distress as the outer atmosphere cleared to reveal the First Order proxy sprawled on the arid desert, with monolithic temples of ancient times scattered around it.
She gasped then, as something came to her. Rey might not be able to teach him through illusion, but she was more than able to project all she knew through the bond. All Poe had taught her. Rey did not even give Ben a warning before she forced all the memories, as well as her own practice, over the bond. More specifically, how she had hid their candid lessons from Luke with the counting-cards trick. Ben inhaled sharply at the sudden influx, and spluttered in shock, though she could not make out what he said.
Rey had learnt so easily from Ben due to their bond before, it should be the same for him, right? He had, after all, caught onto healing like a practiced master when he had allowed the right energies to guide him.
When all she knew about the trick was passed on, Rey pulled herself from his mind, and looked up to meet his wide eyes.
"Well, I knew you used that but I had no idea you used it all the time…It's surprisingly effective," he gasped, as if just having performed a vigorous training exercise. Perhaps, mentally, he had.
Ben still looked unnerved though, and Rey knew there was nothing that could be said or done to put the both of them at ease for what was to come.
"That's all I know, Ben. It will work."
He nodded slowly, and readied them for docking.
"It will," he echoed.
Rey reached over and folded her hands over his when he had set them down. Ben was shaking again, and she wound her fingers through his before squeezing gently.
"Just until I'm sure you'll be alright, Ben. Then you can make the next move."
Still, he did not look at her, but his head bobbed in a quivering nod that may as well have been a shudder.
Rey leant over and pressed a tender kiss to the corner of his mouth, then shook their linked hands in front of his eyes.
"For appearance's sake, I hope you have wrist restraints or something vaguely prisoner-y in this ship, Ben. I'm not unconscious this time around-"
She ignored his indignant expression, smiling timidly at him, unable to hide her anxiety anymore.
"-But I guess I can always pretend to be if you don't want to take me in like a typical captive."
That earned her a breathed chuckle, and Ben shook his head, his eyes filled with dread as the hangar doors opened and the red-headed General Hux marched in with a squad of Stormtroopers at his side.
Thank the Force for standard one-way viewports.
"Breathe, Ben," Rey whispered, rubbing his shoulder, "I'm right here. And no matter what happens in this base, know that I will hold none of it against you. None of it."
She could feel that that provided him no consolation whatsoever.
