Disclaimer: Stephenie owns all things Twilight. I own nothing.

A/N: Beegurl13: They must have wanted to give other stories a chance, cause it doesn't make sense to me either. And for the rest of you, thanks so much for your reviews and support. Until next time.

Selfish 52

Dear God,

I haven't prayed in a long time, so I'm hoping you'll remember me. Chances are, you wouldn't have heard from me for while longer if it wasn't for my friend Jasper. He thinks I need help, I think I need sleep. I haven't slept in so long because my brain is so full of nonsense. I'm writing this letter to you because my head isn't safe anymore. Jasper thinks I should write my feelings and thoughts in a journal, but it seemed very childish to write "Dear Diary". I figured, maybe if I write to you instead, you will listen to me.

I think I'm going crazy. Everything hurts and I just don't see how I will ever stop hurting. My friends don't understand me. Get over it, get under someone else, have fun, they say. They don't understand that I physically can't. Do you? Do you understand the kind of pain that is slowly eating me alive? The kind of pain that leaves me so winded that the only position I can manage is by curling into myself on my bed, the floor... anywhere. It is not only mental, but physical, and I don't know which one hurts the most anymore.

All I want to know is why. Are you punishing me for leaving Carlisle and turning into a whore? And I think, that maybe I am not suppose to be happy.

I haven't spoken to Edward in four days. I haven't seen him since that day in the hospital seven days ago. The flowers, the phone calls, the visits haven't stopped. They don't matter anyway. Whether I forgive him or not will not change the fact that he kissed Tanya. How stupid was that, huh? He kissed her because she asked, because she was so desperate that she basically begged for one kiss and then she would leave us alone. What is worse to me, is that he listened to her thinking this would put her off. And now look at us.

I can't see him without crying and feeling these emotions of inadequacy and rejection. He insists the kiss didn't mean anything to him. But why did he have to agree to begin with? I know she must have manipulated him somehow. I hate her. I hate her with everything that is in me. And Edward, I love him... and that makes me hate myself.

Just please, please let me breath, let me forget. I swear on my first born child that I will stop swearing if you would just please make it stop. I just want to sleep.

Thank you... Amen,

Bella

P.S. At least let me have cat. They don't stink like dogs, and love you unconditionally.