Self Insertion

Chapter 52

Somebody Hates You

Mark Malow smiled as he drove his brand new, used pinto. "Oh yeah. I'm fly." He muttered to

himself. He nodded to a pair of very attractive teenage girls on the way to his house. "Wussup?"

He said thinking they'd be impressed by his new car... despite the fact that it had a few rust

spots... barely noticable.

He didn't even notice the disgusted looks the women gave him followed by hearty laughs. Mark

was in his late 30's early 40's he had a slight beer gut, and a slight receding hairline. He smiled and

revved the engine slightly to impress a few pre-teens walking by.

Just then he saw a few people in the distance. They didn't look familiar but there was something

about them that triggered... something. There were four of them, three men and one attractive

female. The younger Caucasian man was holding some sort of handheld recorder or something

and walking towards the street.

Quinn frowned as he pulled the timer out of his pocket and noticed the time. "Crap! GUYS!" He

called out to his three companions who were a little further behind. "We've only got 5 second!"

Professor Arturo frowned as he jogged to meet Mallory who was headed for an open road. "But

Mr. Mallory! We can't slide in such an open area!"

"Don't have a choice professor!" Quinn said as he activated the portal and jumped into it, the rest

following.

Mark smiled widely as he drove towards the portal ahead where the four people had disappear.

"COOL! That I GOTTA try!"

With that Mark Malow drove into the portal.

Six Months later. (Slider time, not SI time)

Mark had become an 'integral' part of the Sliders team, solving many problems through his

various bumbles and mistakes and opening up many other problems as well. "Man," he said to

Quinn, who was still recovering from the broken arm Mark had given him when his car drove

through the portal. "This has been one crazy ride, but where are we now? I don't understand any

of these peoples talking."

Arturo smirked at the chance to show off his knowledge. "Well, it appears that we have been

teleported into the Japan of this world. Thus why you can't understand it."

Mark nodded. "Oh, then since we've never heard of this language before I'm going to name it...

I'll call it... 'googlin'."

Arturo refrained from slapping the pudgy bastard for about the thousandth time. "It's Japanese

you imbecile."

Mark shrugged. "I named it first."

Quinn smiled and then decided to interject. "Team meeting! Mark you take look out!"

Mark whined at that and crossed his arms. "But I'm ALWAYS look out!"

Quinn nodded. "And we've never been interrupted because of you."

Arturo nodded. "Yes, why when I was lookout we were interrupted all the time."

Mark nodded. "I suppose that's true... I am a good lookout... like when I tackled that 13 year old

girl who was clearly going to interrupt you."

Quinn's eyebrows twitched.

Arturo shook his head.

Maggie looked sick.

Quinn nodded and started to move away with the rest of the group. "Well you stay here and

guard the meeting Mark. We're going to go and have the meeting a little ways away... we don't

want people knowing that you're directly guarding the meeting... uh... right?"

Mark nodded. "Makes perfect sense."

Quinn, Arturo, and Maggie then booted it for an alley. They then kept going, and going and

going... until they were gone. Quinn had noticed that the timer only had five minutes and they

had all agreed that it would be best to leave Mark behind... they'd pretty much decided that the

moment the killed Remi with his car and broke Quinn's arm in twelve places the first time they

met.

Fucker.

Mark checked his watch. It was Friday. "They've never had a meeting THIS long before. 2 days

straight is a bit much." He muttered.

Evan was walking downtown Nerima two days later. After pawning some stuff from the Tendo

house he had decided to go spend it before they could take it from him. "Holy crap, an English

sign? On an anime shop? In Japan?..." Evan paused for a second and stared at one of the posters

in the window. "Is that kiddy porn?"

Despite the obvious add for a kiddy porn manga series in the window Evan decided to go inside

and check it out... just to see why there was an English only store in the middle of Nerima Japan.

Evan popped his head in the door and got a whiff of the interior. "Oh god, man love and B.O...

never thought it'd happen in the same place." He then walked into the store squinting his eyes

against the smell. He didn't see anyone manning the counter behind the desk. There was however

a bell to summon whoever worked there. Evan did so and soon after there was a response.

Mark Malow then came out of the back room, he wiped his hands on his shirt and then put down

one of the very kiddy porn mangas that he had advertised in the window. "Hi!" He said. "I'm

Mark Malow. I run this store. And if you speak a language that ISN'T googlin... you can buy

stuff."

Evan refrained from vomiting. "Why god!"

"HEY! You speak English! Wanna be friends?" Mark said excitedly.

Evan just stared at Mark. "Solely on the fact that we speak the same language? I think not."

"Awww come on!" Mark said. "We're both stuck in a word that speak googlin. We have to stick

together! FIGHT THE POWER!"

Evan left the store.

Mark followed. "Hey come on guy! I need a friend. I'm so lonely."

Evan smiled in annoyance. "Yeah! I could tell you were lonely from the kiddy porn. Leave me

alone. I've got things to do."

Mark groaned. "I can do them too! Let me help, mwaaaaa." he whined.

Evan started to run. Mark started to run too.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Evan screamed. "I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND! YOU'RE

OLD! FIND A FRIEND YOUR OWN AGE OLDY!"

Mark struggled to keep up as his beer gut got in the way of him being able to do virtually

anything. Panting and whining he followed though. "PLEASE! I'M A NICE GUY! I COULD

GUARD YOUR MEETINGS! I DRIVE A PINTO! I'M COOL. Really... I am...cool..."

Evan retched, giving Mark time to clear the distance. Mark grabbed Evan's shoulders, and having

known what last his hands had touched Evan Hado Kened his ass unconscious.

"Shower... now..." Evan said panting... "sweet jesus the humanity."

An hour later Evan got back to the Tendo dojo taking many detours to try to hide his trail from

the kiddy porn reading whiny American. He stormed into the house and made his way swiftly

towards the bathroom. Regaining himself he knocked once and when there was no answer rushed

inside and turned the water on as fast as he could. Not waiting for the water to get to the right

temperature he dove into the furo and soaped everything! So soapy.

"CLEAN!" He screamed. "MUST GET CLEAN!"

AS soon as Evan finished his shower he got out and walked upstairs to the room he was sharing

with Josh, Ranma, his dad and the mostly forgotten Mee'Yaow. "Josh... I heard somewhere that

certain types of dragon breaths can have a cleansing effect... wanna... um... breath deadly fire on

me?"

Josh looked confused. "Uhm... can you not see that I'm busy?" He demanded.

Evan nodded. "Yeah. And?"

Josh sighed and pointed to the door. "Get out! Besides you have a visitor... he interrupted me

earlier while you were in the bath. He should be waiting downstairs in the living room."

Evan nodded and turned around to leave. Josh and Ranko continued to do their usual thing.

Once Evan had left the room he paused. "Who the fuck do I know?" He then shrugged and

continued downstairs. Before he entered the living room a thought crossed his mind. Pants Man.

It must be him. He thought to himself. At that he rushed to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

Then sneaking into the living room he approached quietly, from behind the coach, the visitor.

"You've gotten fat in your sucesses Pants Man!" Evan said as he lunged downwards for a killing

blow with the knife.

Just then the figure turned around. "HI!" Mark said with his arms outstretched to give a

neighborly hug to Evan.

His killing blow ruined Evan continued to stab only getting Mark's right forearm.

"HEY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!" Mark complained as Evan recoiled and prepared to stab

once more.

"THE CLEANSING WILL BE ONCE MORE!" Evan screamed. Not quite sure what he meant

by it but felt it needed to be said.

Mark ran away at that. "AH! I'm SORRY! I ONLY WANTED TO BE YOUR FRIEND!"

Evan stopped chasing Mark at the door to the house and screamed after him. "DON'T EVER

COME BACK!" He then hurled the knife at the retreating figure and the handle side of the knife

impacted with Mark's head, toppling the heavyset Yank.

"OWW!" He called out as he got up, picked up the knife and ran away. "JUST FOR THAT! I'm

KEEPING YOUR KNIFE!"

Evan shrugged and walked inside looking for more things to throw.

Evan then went back inside panting. He then walked towards the bathroom and took another

bath, all the while yelling the mantra: "CLEAN! CLEAN!"

Josh smiled as he came out of the room where he and Ranko were making up... and out... and in

and out. He noticed Evan cleaning the couch profusely and that he looked like he had just taken a

bath."Hey Evan." Josh said. "What's up? What'd your guest want?"

"A stabbing." Evan replied non-chalantly. "A good ol'fashioned stabbing."

Josh then noticed the blood on the chair... "Yeah I kinda got the impression he was annoying as

well." He said. "I mean... who interrupts people while they're having sex? Unethical I tell you."

Evan nodded. "Yeah... we should burn down his shop."

"Shop?" Josh inquired.

"Yeah, he's got an anime store for 'non-googlin' speaking people."

"Googlin?" Josh asked in confusion.

"I dunno... it's what he calls Japanese... fucked right up..." Evan said as he shuddered at the

memory of the shop stank.

Josh shrugged. "Well anyway I was thinking earlier... wanna check out the Alien landing now that

we've got some decent fighting skills on us? Might be neat."

"First off... I'm the one with awesome fighting.. You just have normal fighting."

Josh frowned. "Wanna put that theory to the test? You and me right now in the dojo." He stated.

He then walked towards the dojo.

Evan shrugged and followed. "Your going to lose... cause I've put up with a kiddy porn reading

American... that's something that hardens a man."

"Whatever." Josh said.

In the Dojo.

Josh went into a classic crane stance and waited for Evan who took up a side horse stance. "Don't

think you could beat me dude." Josh stated. "You never have before."

Evan grinned. "Yeah... well." Evan's grin faded. "Maybe I haven't... BUT I WILL THIS TIME!"

He called out as he launched a jump kick at Josh

Josh stepped back and dodged out of the way and then sent a furious punch at Evan's face hoping

to end it quickly.

Evan knocked the punch aside barely as he hoped backwards and prepared a Hadoken. "YOUS IS

GONNA DIE!" He said as he launched the attack.

Josh got hit full force and hit the back wall. "Ow. I need an energy attack." He muttered. He then

got up and rushed Evan, throwing a few quick feints followed by some deadly kicks aimed at vital

areas... area... his nads.

Evan dodged the feints as Josh had intended and left himself open for a quick kick to the jewels.

Josh laughed. "Just to let you know... that's what a Hadoken feels like... only not in that area."

He then paused... he paused some more. "Fucker."

Evan rolled on the floor for a while and used Josh's verbosity against him, sweeping his legs out

from under him and Gas peddling the fucker.

Josh yelped in pain. "AH! I've been gas peddled!" Josh then sprung up and punched Evan a few

times at lightning speed, followed by a kick followed by a head butt.

Evan blocked some of the punches but a few got through. He blocked the kick with both hands as

it was also going for his nads but this left him open for Josh's flying head butt.

Josh then held his head. "That was stupid." He then Punched Evan in the face and knocked him

right across the room.

Evan impacted with the wall and slumped down against it. "Fucker... head butting me... this calls

for the useage of late night Dragonball Z watching!"

Josh paused with his mouth half open. "What? Powering up till I leave?"

Evan smirked. "If it'll work." He then started to gather chi around himself. "KIOSK!"

Evan then leapt towards Josh using the wall to propel him. He then knocked josh out into the yard

with a Shoryuken.

Josh growled as he arose from the pond that he had landed in. "DAMN IT! NOT FAIR! I DON'T

HAVE ANY ENERGY ATTACKS!" Josh then got an idea and raised one eyebrow 'The Rock'

style. "Yet."

Evan smirked and turned his back to Josh and slowly morphed into Vegeta. "I'm so awesome."

Josh frowned. "No I AM!" He then leapt out of the pond in fury and attacked again. This time

with a speed and ferocity that Evan would have for sure been hard pressed to block or avoid.

"AH! NO FAIR I WAS SHOWING OFF!" Evan cried out as the first few hits landed right

where Josh wanted them to, hurting Evan good. He then got back into the fight and managed to

stave off most of the attacks, counter attacking when the chance arose. The two fighters managed

to exhaust each other, their attacks slowing slightly. The pair both continued with ferocity that

ordinary humans could not muster.

Josh then smiled as he dropped out of his stance. "Here's something you don't know. I read a

Star Wars book during my training." Josh then force pushed Evan into a wall.

Evan got up, morphing into Darth Vader. "Four Five and Six were my bread and butter during

training young skywalker." He said, adding the deep breathing as he flung a force powered

lightning bolt at the startled Josh.

Josh countered with his own force lightning and then the two were at a standstill once again both

increasing the power of their attack as they went.

Back at the ship. "Master." Anakin said as he checked the ships shielding which was getting low.

"I just felt two great force powers flaring up."

"I felt it to Anakin." Obi Wan said. "We have to get out of here somehow. These locals are

starting to get on my nerves."

Evan and Josh panted as they stared each other down from across the now mostly ruined dojo.

Their battle had destroyed a good chunk of the surrounding buildings and one of Evan's chi blasts

had set the lawn on fire. Evan smirked. "Don't make me destroy the world!" Evan said. "I've seen

people do it! I CAN DO IT TOO!"

Josh frowned. "But I've read about ways to stop you!" He retorted.

Evan grinned and rushed out to the koi pond and force grabbed one of the fish within and began

to wield it as though it were a sword, swinging fiercely at Josh, and getting a few successful fish

slaps in throwing him off balance enough the Evan decided to finish with a hard slam of the fish,

exploding the creature on Josh's face.

Josh wiped fish out of his eyes and glared at Evan. "You got fish guts all over me."

"I consider that a win." Evan said with a grin.

"Well it's not a win till one of us is unconscious." Josh said trying to rub the sight impairing fish

splat out of his eyes.

Evan then walked away. When he walked back in Josh was still trying to get fish out of his eyes.

Evan then swung the aluminum bat he had just obtained at the back of Josh's skull knocking him

out.

"That's a win."

The next day.

Anakin frowned as he looked at the console. "Master! The shields are at 3! They'll break

through in no time and then they'll just have the hull to go through.

Obi-Wan looked nervous. "Against the type of weaponry that they're using the hulls won't last

long." Just then Obi-Wan perked up a little as the shield fell down to 1. "Anakin. Do you feel

that?"

Anakin looked up and reached out with the force to see what his master was talking about. "The

presences we felt before have returned, and they are nearby." Anakin paused briefly. "I cannot tell

if they are battling for us or against us."

Obi-Wan nodded. "I too am concerned about that. One of them seems so clouded in the dark side,

while the other feels as though he has been raised from birth as a Jedi... perhaps they are battling

each other and their battle has merely taken them here." Obi-Wan mused as he began to hear the

rattling of weapon fire against the hull.

Anakin nodded and snatched his light saber from its place on his belt. "I do not know what they

fight for master, but their presence has drawn the natives away from us for the moment. Perhaps

we should see if we can make our escape now?"

Obi-Wan nodded again. "That would be best." He then pulled his light saber off of his belt and

turned it on. He then cut a hole out of the floor from which he and his apprentice would drop

from and escape. The moment that the two had dropped down to the ground below though there

was an eerie silence. All the weapon fire had halted and there were hundreds upon hundreds of

unconscious(and a few dead) American soldiers lying around a large amount of blown up artillery

and tanks.

Anakin and Obi-Wan looked around with confusion as they held ready with their weapons held

high.

"Master... what's going on here?" Anakin asked.

They then saw two people walking towards them. They were both thin and had spiked hair, one

blonde, and one black haired. The pair stopped for a moment and high fived each other while

shouting "HEAR THAT!" and then continued until they were upon Anakin and Obi-Wan.

"Dude." Josh said. "I told you it was a Star Wars ship!"

Evan shrugged and idley booted a soldier in the face. "Maybe you were right... but I still fish

slapped you."

Josh glared at the black haired boy. "THAT WAS A CHEAP SHOT FUCKER!" He then turned

and pouted for a second. "It doesn't count."

Obi-Wan deactivated his light saber and took a wary step towards the blonde haired boy, feeling

the calm of a Jedi within him. "Excuse me sir." He stared.

Josh turned to the Jedi and raised a hand for a high five. "Wassup Obi-Wan!"

Obi-Wan, not wanting to leave the strange man hanging held his hand up stiffly in the same

manner that the blonde haired boy had. "Wassup?"

Josh looked the Jedi over and high fived the Jedi, making Anakin attempt to intervene, thinking

the gesture was of a violent nature. "STAND BACK!" Anakin shouted waving his light saber

before Josh's face.

Josh took a step back and smirked. "Whatcha gonna do? WHINE AT ME! Whiny whine

whinywhiner!"

Anakin just looked confused at the man's antics. "Master these locals are very strange indeed.

This one is of the light side of the force and yet he provokes me whereas the sith beside him does

nothing."

Obi-Wan stroked his beard. "Perhaps through these locals we can learn something about the force

that we are as of yet unaware. Interesting indeed."

Evan smirked, overhearing the Jedi's conversation. He then walked up to Anakin and swiftly

disarmed him with a hand strike and wrapped his arms around him. "SOMEONE NEEDS A

HUG!"

Anakin tried to fight off the hugging assailant. "AHH! OBI-WAN! HELP ME!"

Obi-Wan fought off a chuckle and tapped Evan on the shoulder earning a snarl and bared teeth.

Obi-Wan put his hands up and took a step back, backing down. He then turned to Josh. "You two

seem quite eccentric for humans... is your entire planet like this?"

Josh shrugged. "I dunno. We're just fucking with you."

"Fucking?"

Josh smiled. "Yeah. It's slang."

"Slang?"

Josh shook his head. " Oh god. You got a long way to go."

Evan then released his death grip on Anakin and started to do a small jig over to Obi-Wan. "So...

what's the deal coming to a nerf-herding backwater planet like this?"

Anakin leaned towards his master. "They herd nerfs here?"

Obi-Wan shrugged and responded. "We came looking for you two actually... I assume since you

seem to know our names that you've been expecting us?"

Evan and Josh shook their heads. "I was expecting you like a kick in the pants?"

"What?" Anakin said.

Evan then kicked him in the pants. "That."

Josh sighed and shook his head in exasperation as Anakin rolled on the ground in pain. Groinal

pain. The groin is in the pants. "Actually it's a long story... but we weren't expecting you two...

we just kind of know you."

Obi-Wan smiled and nodded as he stroked his beard. "I'd love to hear more."

"Well I'm not telling any more." Josh said. "That's all you get to know. Now why are YOU

here?" Josh asked.

Obi-Wan kept a passive face. "We want to bring you to the Jedi council. I assume you know what

that is?" He continued when the pair nodded. "Well apparently there's a large disturbance in the

force being generated by you two, Master Yoda and Master Windu were able to feel it all the way

from Coruscant." He finished.

Evan smiled. "YEAH WELL YOU TELL THEM THAT I CAN MAKE THE KESSEL RUN IN

12 PARSECS!"

Obi-Wan looked surprised. "You can travel a 12 parsec route in 12 parsecs... ok... um.. I'll just

talk to him now." He said pointing to Josh.

Josh smiled. "Well we don't want to go. We're happy here. See yah." With a little wave at the end

of his sentence Josh turned and started walking away.

Evan followed. "I'm gonna go watch some TV."

Obi-Wan turned to Anakin. "It seems our task may be a little more difficult than we initially

thought."

"MY BALLS!"

TBC

Author's Notes: We write SI, you read SI. I think it's a pretty steady relationship... DON'T

BREAK UP WITH ME! I love you... really... I do... Mark Malow. Ha HA! I'm just kidding

folks. Sort of... but anyway I'd like to make a monster shout out to Mark Malow... the guy who,

through persistence, got himself a cameo appearance in SI... one that me and Evan are thinking of

making a reacurring role cause we found it hilarious. Yeah... We'll keep him in SI whether he

likes it or not.

(I dedicate this chapter to the main pederass MARK MALOW! Them 13 years never seen it

coming. Anywho... I think this has come along very nicely Jedi ass kicking, fish slaps, and

dragonball Z references can't beat that. I lost my train of thought.. So goodbye)

Morden Night: Ishano: