Chapter 47: The Truth At Last
+o++o+ Part 1: The Setup +o++o+
*Tris POV*
Just keep walking.
Just keep walking.
Just keep walking.
I make the mistake of looking back when I hear Tobias scream my name. It takes every tiny bit of strength I have left to turn away and keep walking further away from him. I board the transport and breathe a sigh of relief. I did it. I wasn't sure I would be able to follow through with it.
But here I am. Alone. Starting a new life. Without the man I love.
Of course I love him. I will always love that man, while there is still air in my lungs, I will love him. I just can't trust him. This is not a distrust of his intentions, or whether he will be faithful, or responsible.
I can't trust this man with my sanity. It is not healthy for me, I can no longer handle the highs and lows. One moment he can make me feel like the world revolves around me. He has shown me that he literally would die for me. The next moment he can make me feel like I am insignificant and a burden. The disdain he has shown me has shaken me to my core. Every time he has disappointed me, I have felt a small piece of me die. I began to feel my own self-worth crumble.
I find my seat and sit down. Luckily I have a window seat. After fastening my belt I close my eyes, lean against the window and go back to my thoughts.
I have to put myself first, no one is going to do it for me.
I know I can't depend on Tobias. He could change his mind and hate me tomorrow. The thought makes my heart hurt. I close my eyes and begin to weep, praying that one day the agony I feel will dull.
I don't know which is more painful to replay in my mind – the pleasure we brought each other this morning or his declarations of love.
After a few minutes of weeping, I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder. In my haste to sit down, I didn't even realize the couple from the line is sitting next to me. The husband smiles at me kindly and offers me his handkerchief. It is such a sweet gesture. My eyes water with tears and I begin crying again. They smile at me kindly and just allow me to weep.
I fall asleep while crying, only to wake up at nearly the end of the trip. I look over and see the wife resting her head on her husband's shoulder. They look calm and comfortable, and I am happy for them. They are lucky.
I sigh and sit back in my seat. My neck hurts from having fallen asleep while leaning on the window of the transport.
I mentally prepare myself to start my new life. Thankfully, Luke got me in contact with his parents before I left. He needed to reassure them a few times that I am really just a dear friend, and there is nothing romantic between us- that I am not going to arrive and surprise them wearing his engagement ring. Luke admitted that I am the only girl 'friend' he has ever brought home.
Tomorrow I will be enjoying dinner with Luke's parents and Kim's parents. Her mom recently returned to Providence; I had only met her at the bureau because she was there to help Kim after John's death. Luke mentioned that both couples have been long time friends. It will be nice to enjoy a meal with people, as I literally don't know another soul here and I have a week before I need to start working in the lab.
To new beginnings.
+o+++o+
*Tobias POV*
I am lost in my thoughts as I walk through the bureau on the way to Zeke's apartment. I was only able to take a short nap until my nerves got the best of me. I need to talk to someone about what happened with Tris. I really hope he is home.
When I arrive I take a deep breath before knocking. I'm not sure why I am so nervous. It's just Zeke. Yeah, just Zeke; it's the Tris-topic that has me on edge.
Zeke opens the door quickly. He looks surprised to see me, but immediately invites me in. I nod and thank him.
Zeke frowns when he sees my face, "What's going on, man?"
"I don't even know where to begin. Things have gotten completely screwed up. I don't know what to do," I spit out, while Zeke pulls two beers out of the fridge. "I'm talking about things with me and Tris."
"Huh, I didn't realize there was a you and Tris? In fact, you've been telling anyone who will listen that there will never be anything between you and Tris." I cringe. He's right. I have been such an asshole to everyone who tried to push us together.
"Well?" Zeke asks while handing me my drink.
"Well what?" I deflect while frowning, suddenly feeling defensive about the subject.
Zeke just laughs and takes another swig from his beer. He sits on the couch and just raises his eyebrows. Damn it. He is not going to make this easy on me.
"Fine. My life has gone to shit, and I will start by saying you were right, and I should have just listened to you months ago, OK?!" I snap. Zeke just raises his eyebrows again.
Zeke grunts and starts in on me. "As I told you the other day, I ran into Tris a couple of nights ago. She was crying hysterically. But I'm guessing you already know what she was so upset about." I frown as Zeke continues. "She said that you treated her so badly, that she could not even repeat the things you had said to her. What the hell is the matter with you, dude? Even if you don't want to be with her, why do you have to be so damn mean to her?" Zeke's voice rises at the end, and he looks mad.
"I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been thinking about this all morning. I just…one moment I am crazy about her, and then…it is like a switch is thrown, and I don't even feel like myself." I sit down and put my head in my hands for a moment, trying to process my thoughts. "I figured out that Tris was going to be a target while she was on her Chicago trip. Suddenly I felt like…like my only reason for being alive was to get to her and keep her safe."
"OK. So you did save her in Chicago…and you spent time with her, how did that go?"
I smile remembering. "Some things were hard, you know the whole Rebels out to kill her issue. But when we were finally safe in my old apartment… it was amazing, we got along really well. We agreed to try to be friends. I mean – well we didn't mean to kiss…but, well…at some point during the night I was having this intense dream of just holding and kissing Tris. And when we both woke up that was exactly what we were doing." My cheeks flush at the memory. I leave out the part where she was sitting on my lap and we were turning each other on.
"That sounds really hot. So what happened when you left Chicago, what happened between that trip and you guys having that terrible fight?" Zeke pushes me.
I tell him I don't know. I just remember being back and not able to stand her, feeling hostile towards her. I admit to him how I blew her off about visiting John's widow.
Zeke interrupts me, "Four. That doesn't even sound like something you would do. Not showing your respects to the widow of a fallen soldier? It's not even that I'm disappointed in you, I just don't even recognize you. What were you doing that was so important that night?"
Nita. I forgot all about her. Ugh.
I fill Zeke in on Nita and the scene at the atrium. His eyes narrow. He asks me if I am ready to admit that something is not right with her. I do see it now, but I don't know what it is.
"So how are you and Tris now?" Zeke asks. I feel my heart ache in my chest. I physically shudder remembering that she is gone, she left.
I tell Zeke about this morning. I don't give him too many details about what Tris and I did in my bedroom…but mostly about how she had already been planning on relocating to Providence. Zeke is shocked, he had no idea she was leaving us all behind.
"So, what now, Tobias? Are you just done? Are you planning to forget her?" Zeke asks me as I am walking out. My night shift starts shortly and I made plans a week ago to have a quick dinner before work with my co-worker Josh and his wife Amy.
I smile at Zeke, "Hell no. I'm not giving up on her. I just haven't figured out how I am going to get her back yet."
He smiles and hugs me, "That's the smartest thing I have heard you say in a really long time. Let me know how I can help."
+o+++o+
Dinner with Josh and Amy went well. We ended up talking about Tris a lot. Amy was full of ideas on great romantic gestures I could try. I smile and listen, but my gut is telling me that no gesture, no matter how fancy or romantic, will convince Tris to give us another chance. I have to prove to her that I love her, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to win her trust back.
There is a little nagging voice in the back of my head, asking how I can promise her something that I don't understand myself? I want to believe I won't turn on her again. Sadly, I know I can't rule it out for sure since I don't know why it happened in the first place.
I sigh and turn my attention back to my work task. This shift has been going slowly but it is almost over. Thinking about Tris has not been helping.
As Josh and I clock out and leave the main hallway, I'm surprised to see Zeke leaning against a pillar waiting for us. Josh waives hello, he doesn't seem that surprised. Zeke nods at Josh and a smile plays out on Josh's face.
"What's going on guys?" I ask curiously.
"Come with us. We have something to explain to you. Nurse Gabriela is waiting for us in the Leadership Medical Ward." Zeke says, as he turns and leads the way.
+o+++o+
Zeke leads me back through the medical ward. I remember that this path goes to the same back office where he forced my Fear Landscape on me. "Zeke, if you make me do that damn Fear-Torment again, I am going to lose my-"
He chuckles and assures me that is not going to happen. I glare at him remembering the agony I went through.
I am surprised to see Caleb sitting with Gabriela pouring over files and photographs. Caleb tenses when he sees me, but then forces a smile.
"Tobias," he says.
"Caleb. Guys, what is this about?" I ask.
"Let's sit down and talk." Gabriela says, motioning to a small conference table.
They explain everything to me.
It started with Zeke noticing mood swings that didn't add up; changes in my attitude from one day to the next. The first time he saw a drastic change was the day after that dinner with Tris. He admitted spying on Tris and I while we were getting our food- how happy we both looked. He also noticed how jealous I was about Luke Clark. And then the next time he saw me I was cold and indifferent towards her.
Separately, Tris was confiding to Gabriela about my bizarre behavior. Tris was so emotionally invested that she couldn't see how conflicting my actions were. Gabriela picked up on the odd behavior but felt Tris was already so upset, she didn't want to add to her sadness over the situation.
One day Zeke and Gabriela ran into each other, the topic of Tris and I came up, and from that point they had been in contact. Zeke pulled in Josh because he had the most access to me as my coworker that usually works the same shifts. They have secretly been analyzing me, my behavior as it related to Tris. Josh was able to pull my badge report for the times in question. Every time they noticed a change, it directly coincided with me entering the Lab where my Rehabilitation Team meets.
So their suspicion was that someone on the team, or the entire team, has been doing something to me that is affecting the way I think and act.
Gabriela admits that through her clearance level as a member of Dr. Grey's medical team, she was able to discreetly pull my medical files and all lab results. I do have frequent blood draws as part of the data gathering for the trial I am participating in.
It is well known that the bureau is providing those affected by the Memory Serum with vitamin shots; Josh admits he and his wife each get their shots on a consistent basis. They also submitted their blood work as a comparison.
Gabriela was able to pinpoint an anomaly in my blood stream that was different then both Josh and Amy's. That is when the group pulled Caleb in.
We nod at each other. I haven't really spoken with him directly since that night that our group revealed we were the ones to set off the serum, which I am guessing Nurse Gabriela does not know.
After many hours of research and testing, Caleb has reverse engineered a secondary memory serum, and it has consistently been found in my bloodstream. Of course Caleb has not tested it on anyone, but he has been able to run comparisons against the original. It does differ, which leads him to believe that it is a serum that is concentrates on perceived emotions while also keeping memories away that had already been lost by the original serum.
Caleb has been working on an inoculation against it.
"So that brings us to today. The reason we ran you through your Fear Landscape is that we wanted to see if you memories were really gone. Tobias, we fully believe that your memories are still present but there is something repressing them. We talked about this before. You have the ability to resist serums- the attack on Abnegation, for example. So why not the memory serum?" Zeke finishes.
My pulse quickens. Could this be true? Could I get my memories back? The thought both scares and excites me at the same time.
"So what's next?" I ask the group.
"The plan it to get you inoculated, then send you in. We need to determine who exactly is responsible for this," Zeke says.
I nod in agreement.
I want to find out exactly what happened to me, and why. It is time.
The sooner I get this resolved, the sooner I can be with Tris.
+o+++o+
The following morning we invite Cara and Christina to meet us in the Leadership Medical Ward, we explain everything thus far. Cara looks thrilled and throws her arms around Caleb, she is very impressed with the work he has done already. She offers to help anywhere she can. Caleb turns an impressive shade of red, but I notice he gives her tush a little squeeze when he thinks no one is looking. They're cute, it's nice to see them happy. It dawns on me, if Tris and I get together, Caleb could be my family one day.
Christina looks apprehensive towards me, but agrees to help us. We have not gotten along well these months, to say the least. I know she has been dead set on Tris getting together with Luke Clark. She is not really my favorite person, her personality clashes with mine – but I will also respect that she is Tris's best friend and understand that she wants what is best for her. I'm willing to make an effort if she is.
Cara spends hours reviewing Caleb's calculations and final production of what they believe will be an inoculation against the specific drug they have repeatedly found in my system.
We have a strong suspension that Nita is the mastermind behind this so we are leaving it up to Christina to antagonize Nita, thus motivating her to act out and attempt to manipulate me.
I call to schedule an urgent session with my Rehabilitation Team. I tell them I am very upset that Tris has moved to Providence and I am having trouble reconciling my new life with my old one.
++o++ Executing the Plan ++o++
I am inoculated and I feel the same after; I think Caleb and Cara were a little nervous to see my reaction to the drug. They look relieved when I don't die in front of them. Nurse Gabriela checks my vitals and clears me.
Early that afternoon Zeke and Christina find Nita in the cafeteria. She is walking and no longer needs her wheelchair. They walk near her but act as though they don't see her.
They talk loudly about Tris moving to Providence and how upset I am. Zeke makes it a point to comment that he thinks it is possible I am getting my memories back, that it's a feeling that he has. Christina comments that she knows Tris would take me back in two seconds flat if that were to happen. Zeke goes to get a table while Christina stays behind to fill the drinks…and to have a conversation with Nita.
From where we're sitting we can see Christina and Nita have words with one another. Nita looks furious when she storms out without even buying her food, and Christina walks back to us laughing.
"That was actually fun. Even if this doesn't work out, at least I got to argue with Nita. Man, she really thinks that you belong to her, Tobias," Christina chuckles. I scowl at her; I don't find this remotely funny.
Josh meets up with us before my appointment; he and I were able to sneak into Nita's dedicated lab and plant video and audio surveillance in the middle of the night. Josh ensured that the feed is recording onto one of the servers that our team manages. He will be monitoring everything live from his work station.
As I walk to the lab I think about how many times I have met with my rehabilitation team, counting on them to help me. To support me, to do the right thing.
I enter and notice that the lab is empty. I frown and look around. Suddenly Nita walks in, she frowns upon seeing me.
"Hey, Nita," I say, watching her.
"Tobias. I was surprised when I heard you were on the schedule for today. I have been hounding you to come into the lab for over a week. And now, here you are," she says coldly.
I straighten my back, it looks like I will need to sell this. "Look Nita, if we can't work together and move forward please just say so now. I'm sure I can be assigned to a different team."
She backs down right away and assures me that we can make it work.
"Where is the rest of the team?" I ask while looking around and taking off my coat.
"They will be here soon, let's get started. We squeezed you in so we are in a time crunch. Let's get started with the vitamin shot." Nita says calmly, as though she is bored even.
I take a deep breath to calm myself. This is the riskiest part of the plan, if the serum she has been giving me does alter me, I am not sure exactly how I should act. I do not want to alert Nita that something is wrong. I'm hoping that acting emotionless will work.
I get the shot, Nita seems to be watching me. I remain straight faced and she smiles. Suddenly her demeanor changes, she loses the mask of kindness and caring she has been sporting all these months. She commands me to sit in the memory projection chair.
She then begins an audio tape that has some visual images. There are so many quick flashes, words and phrases typed out, flashing lights, images of Tris making faces that reflect unhappiness. There are even images that show Tris in a warm embrace with Luke Clark and even of her getting a hug from Zeke the night we revealed she was alive to the bureau. An audio overlay plays simultaneously- phrases repeated again and again, messages such as "Tris is selfish" and "Tris will never love you."
The main theme is what a terrible person Tris is, and how unhappy she has made me. Repeating messages that she is insignificant and a burden.
At the end of the loop the message changes from concentrating on how negative Tris to instead concentrating on what I should do to be happy. Images flash across the screen- me walking away from Tris, me scowling at Tris. I recognize many of the images of our time at the bureau before we released the memory serum.
As I lay there silently Nita picks up her cell phone and makes a call. I can only hear her end of the conversation.
+0+
Nita's phone call:
Nita: Yes. It is done. Tobias Eaton has been neutralized. He will not be going to Providence to find Tris Prior.
(Silence)
Nita: I understand. Good, I'm glad we're track. Yes, our attack on Chicago was not as successful as we had hoped but I am confident our next set of attacks will meet the goals.
(Silence)
Nita: No, the rest of my Rehabilitation team has no idea what's happening, they are completely clueless. I just sent them on an early dinner break. When they return I will take Tobias through his regular session along with the team. It will be important to keep up appearances.
(Silence)
Nita: Excellent news. Please send me word once complete. I want to hear every detail.
(Silence)
Nita: Goodbye.
+o+
Suddenly I feel her lips on mine. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to shove her off of me. She is a wretched person, and I hate that she was able to manipulate me for so long.
"Oh, Tobias, I could have made you so happy. But you keep gravitating back to that Genetically Pure Princess, just like everyone else," Nita whispers.
At the end of the projection and after her call she repeats the phrase, "You will not remember this video or audio." Three times.
Thankfully, I remember every word and action. My mind is reeling, Nita is associated with the New Rebels group! Who was she speaking to on the phone?
"Wake up, Tobias." I open my eyes and stare ahead at her command. Suddenly the door to the lab bursts open and three bureau guards enter.
"What is the meaning of this?!" Nita yells.
"Hands up Nita, you are under arrest! For suspicion as being a member of the Rebel Group." One of the guards says.
Suddenly Nita pulls out a gun from her back, it had been covered by her lab coat. Before she can pull the trigger I jump into action. I force the gun out of her hand and twist both arms behind her back.
She looks absolutely stunned, "Tobias? What are you doing? It's me! Please – I need your help."
"You have 'helped' me enough to last a lifetime Nita! Your crazy games are over. This ends now," I hiss at her.
"No! This is impossible…how? You are supposed to be open to my influence at this point in the process."
Suddenly Zeke and Christina bust into the room as well. Zeke storms over to Nita, "It's over, you witch. You are going to rot in a jail this time. No one will get you out."
"Josh has everything on film and he notified security as soon as Nita incriminated herself!" Christina breaths happily.
Nita scowls at them. The guards walk over and pull the syringe that she had placed back into her pocket after injecting me. "Nurse Gabriela asked us to log this into evidence, it will directly tie her to the memory manipulation of Mr. Tobias Johnson."
After the guards grab Nita I walk back over to her. I am so mad I can barely see straight. "Nita, please. Your game is over. I need answers. What the hell have you been doing to me?!"
She glares at me.
"I will never forgive for what you have done to me, and all of the pain you have caused Tris. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hate you," I coldly say.
Nita begins laughing at me. A chill goes down my spine. She looks too happy for someone that is about to be shown to a jail cell.
"Oh my sweet Four. I had such aspirations for you, for us. So many things I wanted to do…with you," Nita says seductively. Even the guards holding her look uncomfortable and share a look between them. My cheeks flush, this girl has no shame.
She sees how uncomfortable the room has gotten.
She smiles again and leans closer to me. I stand very still as she whispers, "Don't worry, Four. Even though you don't remember the first time… soon enough you will get to experience Tris's death all over again. My gift to you."
"No." I mumble. I feel sick, the rage I feel makes me see red. I lunge and grab wrap my hands around Nita's throat. Zeke pulls me off of her just in time. I wanted to kill her in that moment.
Nita falls to the ground, gasping for air. She rubs her throat, which is red with my fingerprints.
Once she catches her breath and sits up she smiles at me. "Wow Tobias, I didn't know you had that in you. Let me assure you, there is nothing you can do to save Tris. She's probably enjoying being loved at this very moment, but don't worry – it should be filmed, so you'll have video of her to comfort you after she is gone." She laughs.
I can guess "loved" is code for sexual assault. Those bastards. I remember the ones in Dauntless saying that is was Rebel Leadership's orders that her assault be recorded.
Is Nita their Leader?! I will kill her.
"You witch, you are crazy,"I spit at her.
"My only regret is that I won't be able to enjoy watching all of you mourn for her," Nita says as she suddenly injects herself, and she abruptly collapses to the floor.
"No!" I scream as I lunge to knock the syringe out of her hand.
We need to find out how Tris is in danger. I have to save her. I refuse to believe that is too late. I love her, I can't lose her. Not now. I feel the room spinning and I feel my heart pounding in my chest.
I am overcome with absolute terror. Tris is in danger and I am not there to help her. My Tris, she needs me and I am not there.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my head, I fall to the floor.
+o+++o+
When I wake up, I am laying on the ground with multiple people hovering over me. All in my personal space, I do not like being crowded.
Then it hits me. I remember EVERYTHING.
Tris. I need Tris.
++o++ Part 2: What Have I Done? ++o++
"There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well."
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember
*Tobias POV*
It's Tris. It has always been because of Tris.
She is my catalyst, she always has been.
I was able to break out of Jeanine's simulation because of Tris. Our love for each other was able to break me free. I remember a sob escaping my lips and I had to kiss her again, my tears threatening to fall and I didn't care. She leaned against me as I supported her weight against me. She asked me how I had broken free.
"I don't know. I just heard your voice," was all I could say in explanation.
+o++++++o+
During the months between Nita having given me the memory serum and the day I discovered that Tris was alive, I can't recall one time that my old memories had come to the surface.
Now that I am aware of what was really happening, I realize that it was when Tris needed me the most that I would fight to be freed from the prison of the memory serum. Even when I didn't recognize it, it has always been there. 'It' being my adoration of Tris Prior. She is the love of my life, I will never love anyone the way that I love her.
Tris needs me now, more than ever. She is in terrible danger, I pray we are not too late.
Every moment of my first eighteen years comes flooding back to me. My childhood, Evelyn and her fake death, my twisted relationship with Marcus, my Dauntless Initiation, and then the most important thing of all. Tris. My beautiful and strong Tris. All the obstacles we overcame…together.
Then the realization of how I have treated her hits me.
Tears fill my eyes, what have I done to her? What in the hell have I done!? I have been a monster to the woman I love- the only person who has ever really loved me unconditionally. My brain replays our worst moments over the last few months, and she has finally given up on me. Does she even love me anymore?
Would I still love Tris if she had been the one to lose her memories of me? Could I ever forgive her if she made the poor choices I have made?
For a moment I allow myself to imagine our roles reversed. I try to imagine looking at her, adoring her the way that I do, while she were to treat me like I was nothing. I imagine knowing that the love we share is extraordinary, but she was unwilling to even try fixing us. I think about the kisses and embraces we have shared, the way our bodies knew that we belonged together in every way…yet she were to deny us. How I would have felt when she insisted those moments were all a mistake? How would I feel if she were to put another man- a Nita-equivalent- ahead of me again and again? I was so careless with her from the moment I got her back, flirting with Nita shirtless and not bothering to care for her basic needs after breaking her out of a hospital. I was so callous with her feelings.
I hate myself. These thoughts makes my throat feel tight and I control the urge to punish myself. To hurt myself. To make myself feel the terrible pain I know I deserve.
My head is still pounding; I sit up and lean my head into my hands. A wave of nausea hits me.
Suddenly I feel a hot flush on my chest, and as though the room is spinning.
"Oh God, I am going to be sick!" Suddenly someone hands me a trash bin. My shoulders shake as I heave into the bin.
I suddenly hear Nita's voice, "What is going on? Where am I? Why is this man so sick?!"
I turn to her and my eyes narrow.
"You horrible bitch! YOU did this to me! I remember everything now!" I scream at her.
Her eyes widen in genuine fear. She looks completely clueless as to who I even am. The guards have handcuffed her by now. Damn it, she did it. She took the memory serum.
Nurse Gabriela and Dr. Grey walk in, and they ask to have Nita taken to the medical wing of the bureau jail. They want to perform tests immediately to make sure that she has in fact taken the serum and analyze what the impact is.
+o++o+ Flashback +o++o+
I am laying down on the couch where Tris and I had made love the night before we released the serum. The room around me is dark and I am halfway way in between sleep and being awake.
I feel her gently move to lay on top of me and slowly kissing my neck and soft hands are rubbing my chest. For moment I believe it is Tris and my heart fills with love and great relief. The only woman I have ever loved. The only woman I have ever wanted to hold to kiss. To love.
Then I remember that Tris is dead and a chill goes through me. I instantly jump up while pushing the mystery woman off of me. I am now staring into Nita's face. A terrible anger grabs my soul, she has tarnished me. Before her advances I had only belonged to Tris, every kiss, every caress of my body.
"Let me help you, Four. You can forget the pain. We can replace it with this," Nita seductively coos as her hand touches my knee and starts moving upward. I am disgusted and enraged that she is here, in this room that belongs to me and to Tris.
I have to control myself from grabbing her and shaking her like a rag doll.
"Go to hell Nita, I will never want you," I snap.
Nita laughs at me, and starts pulling something out from behind her back, "Fine, then. We will do this the hard way."
Before I can react she has injected me with something. I immediately feel dizzy. "What the hell have you done to me, Nita?" I mumble.
Nita just smiles and gently runs her fingers along my jaw. "Don't worry Tobias, I will take good care of you. We will have a fresh start."
Suddenly everything goes black.
+o++o+ Flashback End +o++o+
I see Zeke next to me and he puts his hand on my shoulder to comfort me. "Zeke! Nita... it was her all along. She was the one to initially inject me with the memory serum. It wasn't my choice. The whole damn nightmare started because of her! Because I wouldn't have sex with her the night before I was leaving the bureau! I am going to kill her."
Zeke's eyes widen, he shakes his head from side to side. I hear a gasp, and turn to see Christina is covering her mouth in shock. At this point I don't care about my past battles with Christina, or her quest for Tris to move on with Luke. We all need to work together.
I jump up from the floor. I need to get to Tris, I need to save her and then tell her that I am back, I am still here. I am still hers to love, or to toss away. The choice will be hers.
Again I remember how I have hurt her, my love. Images of her face, the sadness in her eyes when we would fight. No, that is not accurate. We never fought. I was cruel and possibly even verbally abusive at times. Her eyes reflected the devastation I inflicted. For the rest of my life, I will never forgive myself for what I have done to her. I will never forgive myself for the pain I have made her feel.
I spent my entire life being torn down by those who were supposed to love and protect me the most. My father's excuse to justify his abuse was his intention to make me a better man. In reality he was using his methods of physical and psychological abuse to break me down as a person. My own mother abandoned me. She saved herself, and her actions proved that I was not worth the risk or effort to save me as well.
A memory of the promise I made to Tris long ago runs through my mind. I told her that I would be her family now. Then Tris told me that she loved me. We knew in that moment that I was promising her forever, and I meant it.
I bite back tears and swallow the large lump in my throat thinking about how I, as her family, was supposed to love and protect her the most. The memory of her pain as she struggled with Caleb's betrayal. I hated him so much, especially how much he hurt her, how weak and pathetic he was to do that to his own family. Now I'm no better than he is, I am disgusted with myself. I bite my lip and tears fill my eyes. I love her. I can't lose her to death. Not again.
She may never forgive me. She may never be able to really trust me again. But if it is the last thing I do while on this earth…I will save her and make sure she is safe. Tris Prior will have the chance to live the life she deserves.
I know what I need to do for Tris now. I turn to everyone in the room. "I need to see Luke Clark immediately."
+o++o+ Chapter End +o++o+
