Warning: Uh... I was told to put 'trigger warnings' on certain chapters. So, here it is.


Chapter 54 – I Can Never Forget

Mom and dad,

Please forgive me. I know that recently I've been such a mess and a disappointment to the both of you and I am truly sorry for that. There's been so much that has been happening recently. It's like the whole world is going by in fastforward and I'm just simply sat there, watching it go by. It's feels like my mind is going a million miles an hour and I feel so out of sync. I wake up and I'm empty. I have nothing and nobody.

Just know that even though I told you both that I hate you, you mean so much to me. I know that I've often said things and done things that say otherwise, but I love you both so much and nothing will ever change that.

I've made such a mess of my life and there's so much that has happened to me that you don't know about and part of me hopes you never find out about that stuff. I want you both to remember me as your little girl, your little kicker. I'm so scared. I'm scared that if you find out those things, you'll both be disgusted with me; you'll be ashamed and wish that I wasn't your daughter. Just know that if that time comes, where you find out all the things I've ever done, I'm sorry.

Saying sorry won't make anything better though, will it? I've tried to tell them all that I'm sorry, but they won't listen to me. They all hate me and everybody has turned against me. I've been feeling so down recently but it wasn't until today that it really hit me. It wasn't until this morning when I woke up, wondering why I was even bothering anymore. It was like every little bit of fight in me just went out like a candle. All hope that I would ever be forgiven just… vanished.

I just want you and everyone else to know that no matter what you hear about me, no matter what gets found out, there was never a moment where I didn't love any of you. I love you all so much that it is killing me inside knowing you all hate me.

Please don't be mad. I know that when you find me, like any other parent, you're going to want to find those responsible, but please don't. Don't blame my friends, because it's my fault why they hate me. Don't blame my exboyfriends, because again, it's my fault. If there is anybody to blame, it's me.

Each day it gets worse and nothing ever gets better. I just feel so alone right now and it's really getting to me. I don't know whether you hear me or not, but every night I cry myself to sleep. It's so hard because nobody knows what I have to deal with on a daily basis. You don't know of the things I've had to go through alone and I can't tell you guys because I need to protect them. You told me to "get over it" and that I need to start acting my age, but this is not something I can just get over.

It's too late to try and save me. I've fallen too far from the rest of you. It's like there's a massive, impenetrable wall between me and everybody I love. I keep clawing at it, trying to tear it down and get back to you all, but nothing works. This loneliness… it's strange… even though I feel as though I'm burning up, I feel so cold.

I just want the pain to go away.

I want to close my eyes and never wake up again.

So my last request, as your daughter, is this: Let me die.

I'll always love you.

Sakura


Mebuki could still remember that day as though it was only yesterday. The night she had found her little girl in the bath, bathing in her own blood. It hurt like it was only yesterday and like the pain, the memories were still fresh. No matter how hard she had tried, they just wouldn't go away. Almost every night Mebuki would wake up screaming into her pillow. It was because of this that Kazashi often slept in one of the guest rooms, although Sakura didn't know that small fact. Hopefully, she never would.

The moment Mebuki rested her head in her hands and closed her eyes tiredly, memories flashed to the front of her mind.


"You can't honestly believe that this is my fault!" Kazashi all but roared at her before leaning out of the living room doorway and glaring up the stairs. "Sakura, turn that music down!"

There was no answer or a sign of acknowledgement.

Mebuki shook her head angrily. "You were forcing food down her throat, Kazashi! Doing that isn't going to make her any better, it's going to make her worse. For all we know, you could have traumatized her by doing such a thing! Imagine if you were her and some man came barging into your room, started shoving food into your mouth."

Running a hand through his thinning hair, Kazashi tried his best to stay calm. "What was I supposed to do, eh? She won't eat, she won't sleep! Sakura does nothing more than sit in her room just staring at the walls like she's a zombie. Somebody had to take action!"

"Take action?" Mebuki repeated incredulously. "Kazashi, you could have choked her!"

"I knew what I was doing!"

"No, you didn't!"

Finally losing his temper, Kazashi yelled up the stairs, "Sakura, turn that shit off!"

Again, there was no answer and noticing this, they both frowned. No matter how loud her music was and no matter how bad her mood was, Sakura always defended her favourite band. It was like she just knew when somebody was insulting them.

"There's no way she could have fallen asleep with her music so loud." Mebuki mumbled, her eyebrows furrowing. "Do you think she could have been trying to drown us out? We were yelling pretty loud…" Kazashi's eyes widened as he turned to his wife and noticing his look, her own widened. "You don't think…"

Kazashi was darting up the stairs before she could even finish her sentence and following behind him, Mebuki made it just in time to see him breaking open Sakura's bedroom door. That was another sign that something wasn't right. Sakura hardly ever locked her bedroom door. The music was much louder now but as they looked around, they found that there was no Sakura and no music player. However, as they looked around, Mebuki's eyes landed on something that was laying on her bed.

Reading the words, Mebuki felt as though her heart was being crushed, like somebody incredibly heavy had gone and sat on her chest. She was just about to show the letter to Kazashi, but it seemed he had already read it over her shoulder since he was slamming his entire body into the door leading to her bathroom. Due to their shock and fear, they completely forgot about the other door.

By now, Mebuki was crying, terrified at what could possibly be inside of the bathroom, but when Kazashi finally managed to open the door, it was like she was automatically rushing forward, ignoring her husband as he yelled at her to ring an ambulance and instead grabbing the heavy, lifeless body of her daughter. The sight was like something out of a horror movie. Sakura was simply laying motionlessly in her bath, under the water that was red with her blood, her skin was already an unhealthy shade of pale and the slits on her wrists were still oozing with blood, making her feel sick to her stomach.

"Sakura, baby, please wake up!" Mebuki cried as they both fell to the ground. Quickly looking over her shoulder at Kazashi, she ordered, "Get me some towels! We need to try and stop the bleeding." When he passed her the towels, Mebuki set to wrapping them around her wrists tightly. "Come on, Sakura. This isn't what you want!" Once again turning to look at Kazashi, Mebuki spoke to him. "We need to get her to the hospital."

He nodded. "I'll go and ring"

She shook her head furiously. "They'll take too long to get here! We need to drive." Pulling herself to her feet, Mebuki tried her best to lift Sakura, but she was too heavy for her. "Help me, Kazashi! Don't just stand there."


She was terrified of something happening to Sakura, of entering her daughter's room one morning to find her… to find her dead. God, just the thought caused her heart to clench painfully. Only a mother would understand the pain, or the worry, or anything else that comes along with motherhood. They carried their babies inside of them for nine months and after that, their entire lives revolve around that small child.

Mebuki was terrified of the fact that Sakura may relapse. Her daughter was bipolar and depending on whether it was the manic or the depressive episode, she could very well try to kill herself again. Suicidal tendencies never truly left a person, after all.

Another thing Mebuki could never forget was the day Sakura had been sectioned. Even whilst she was there, her daughter tried to kill herself. Altogether, she had four suicide attempts – not including all of the fights she had picked with the most dangerous, unstable patients. The first time, Sakura had slit her wrists. The second, the one that they didn't even realise until it was almost too late, was trying to starve herself to death.

That particular one had scared Mebuki more than the other three. When they found out, it had almost been too late and after that, Sakura had been placed onto a drip before she had had her meals monitored. It had pained Mebuki to know that her daughter had to be watched whilst she ate, but there was very little she could do. Nothing mattered more than getting her little girl well again.

The third attempt had been an overdose. Sakura, because of her being bipolar, had chosen to take medication to balance out her moods as well as therapy sessions. When she received her daily medication, Sakura had hidden the tablets in her mouth before removing them and storing them up. Then, when she believed she had enough, Sakura had taken them all. It was by pure luck that a doctor had been passing her room at the time. It was the same with her last attempt, when she had tried to hang herself. If it hadn't been for somebody passing by, Sakura would have died. After that final attempt, they had somebody stay with Sakura at all times and sometimes they even went as far as to have to sedate her. They also restrained her to her bed at one point as she kept trying to harm herself.

Mebuki had never seen her daughter get so violent before, but when she had been in the unit for the mentally unstable, she had seen it. She had witnessed her daughter attack her nurses, the orderlies, anyone who tried to make her do something she didn't want to do. It had been utterly terrifying seeing her daughter lash out like she had.


Sakura snorted, giving the psychiatrist a vicious glare. "Stop talking to me like I'm a fucking idiot. I'm not an idiot. I'm actually pretty smart and I know that I'm not crazy, okay? So take your clipboard, take your shitty little pen and take your tacky clothes and fuck off!"

She rolled her eyes as the woman darted out of the room and sat back in her seat, very obviously ignoring her parents as they stared at her in shock. How pathetic. Seriously, if she couldn't handle what she said – compared to what she could have said – then the woman had no right to be working here. Okay, Sakura would admit that when she had screamed 'fuck off', she had really gone for it (her throat was quite sore now), but still. It wasn't like she attacked the woman!

"Fuck!" Sakura screamed as she ran her hands through her hair, shooting up out of her seat. "Just let me out of here!"

Barely even paying attention to the fact her pacing was worrying her parents, Sakura continued with it until she paused, covering her ears with her hands and squeezing her eyes shut. All the way down here in an office and she could still hear their screaming! Why wouldn't they just shut the fuck up? She wasn't asking for much! All Sakura wanted was some peace and quiet. No, what she wanted was to fucking die. Why wouldn't they let her die? Hadn't she suffered enough already?

"Sakura, please try to–"

"Shut up!"

By now Sakura was shaking with the need to lash out and destroy something. Part of her wanted to attack her parents. After all, it was their fault why she was stuck in this hell hole. A mental hospital. Sakura scoffed and sent a glare over in her parents direction, her emerald eyes wild and dark with anger, yet, if you looked closely enough, you could see her pain. It was obvious that she was suffering.

"I don't belong here." Sakura muttered as she continued with her pacing. There was too much energy in her body and if she didn't want to attack her parents, then she had to get rid of it somehow. "I don't belong here. I don't–"

She was interrupted by the door slamming open, revealing the psychiatrist once again and seeing her, Sakura stopped pacing and turned to face her, a nasty smirk on her lips. "So you came back?" she laughed loudly before falling deadly serious. "Look, if you want to stand around and have me insult you all day, then that's–"

"Please be quiet, Haruno–san."

"Don't interrupt me."

Sakura's upper lip twitched with anger until it curled. Maybe she couldn't attack her parents, but this bitch…

"I fucking hate it when people interrupt me!" she screamed and darted forward.

Only to be pinned a moment later by two large men who seemed to appear out of nowhere. She screamed obscenities, thrashed and threatened them all, but they wouldn't let go. Why the fuck wouldn't they let go of her? And fuck! Did they have to be so rough?

And then something was being injected into her neck, making Sakura's eyes widen, but no matter how hard she tried to fight the drug, nothing would work and soon, she was blacking out.


The thing that probably stuck out the most to Mebuki, however, was a certain conversation she had had with Sakura. It had shattered her heart completely, especially when she told her daughter that nobody had asked after her or tried to visit her. At the time, she believed she had been doing the right thing. After reading Sakura's suicide letter, Mebuki honestly believed that perhaps her friends had something to do with it. In fact, it was only Sasuke and Naruto who tried to visit her and Naruto, of all people, gave up long before Sasuke did.

All Mebuki had been focused on was getting Sakura better and at the time, she had believed that it would have been better not to have anybody know what had happened, that Sakura needed a break from her friends.

It was clear now that it had not been the right decision.


The sight of her daughter was killing her. Sakura was pale and so very thin. There were dark circles under her eyes and her once flawless skin was blotchy and covered in spots. Her second attempt. Sakura hadn't been eating since a week before her first attempt and they hadn't noticed until a couple of weeks ago when she had collapsed. It was because of not eating that her skin looked so bad, why she looked so ill…

Mebuki closed her eyes and took a deep breath. They had been feeding her through a drip up until the other week, when they had started putting her back onto solid food, though they kept it bland so that it wouldn't upset her stomach after going so long without eating. Sakura had refused to eat at first, but they had somehow managed to talk her into eating again. Mebuki wasn't sure how that happened and she didn't care. Her baby girl was going to get better. The only thing that upset her was that they watched her as she ate. It hurt knowing that her daughter wasn't trusted to eat her food.

"I feel like I've been kidnapped." Sakura spat angrily.

Her eyes snapped open and Mebuki was surprised to find Sakura glaring at her. That was a first. Usually during her visits, her daughter would stay silent and refuse to acknowledge her or Kazashi. Oh, if only he was here with her! He would have been so happy to have her talking again, even if she was angry with them. Having her angry with them was better than her ignoring them, acting like they were invisible.

"We just want to help you, Sakura. This wouldn't have happened if you talked to us."

Sakura's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Like you'd understand anything about me."

"We would have tried!"

"I want to die! What is so hard to understand about that? Just get out and leave me alone!"

She couldn't help but let her tears fall. What had happened to her little girl? Their little kicker? "Don't do this, Sakura. Please! Let me help you." Mebuki pleaded as she walked forward. "Please don't shut me out."

There was hatred in Sakura's eyes as they hardened and it made Mebuki's heart ache. Hadn't she been a good mother? Had she let her daughter down somehow? What could she have done to make Sakura so angry with her? To have her own daughter looking at her with so much anger and hatred and accusation?

It also made her heart ache how Sakura couldn't get out of bed, yet. She was still much too weak from going so long without food. The doctor had said that it would be too much strain on her body and when Sakura kept pushing herself too hard to get out of bed, orderlies had been brought in to watch her until she was strong enough not to need them anymore. Right now, the orderlies were silently preparing themselves for another one of Sakura's episodes. It wasn't an actual episode, more like an explosion of anger.

"Don't shut you out?" Sakura seethed as she forced herself into a sitting position. "How long did it take you and dad to realise I wasn't home? A couple of days? A week? You're too busy with your fucking company to give a shit about me and it's the same with him, too! So don't you dare say that I'm the one shutting you out." She ignored the orderlies warning her to calm down as Sakura stood up on legs that felt like jelly, as she clutched her side and tried to ignore the dizziness threatening to knock her to the ground. "I don't want your help." Sakura spat at her mother, the hatred in her eyes growing. "I don't want help from anybody! I just want to die!"

And it was when she took an unsteady step towards her mother that the orderly moved forward. However, unlike the first day when they had needed two of them and were rough, it was only one man and he made sure to be careful as he sedated Sakura and gently placed her back into her bed before giving Mebuki a sympathetic look. "I'm afraid you're going to have to leave, Haruno–san."

Mebuki nodded, trying and failing to hold back her tears and sobs as she left the room, collapsing against the wall in the corridor.


The day they had brought Sakura home was supposed to be one of the happiest days ever. Mebuki had dreamed about it for months. But when it actually happened, it was so different than what she had thought it would be. Whilst Mebuki had dreamed of Sakura being happy and her usual self, she was actually aloof and… it was almost as though she was tired of everything.


Sakura's new psychiatrist was a genius! Mebuki had actually cried with happiness when Tsunade had told her it was time for Sakura to come home, that she was certain she wouldn't try to kill herself again. Her previous doctor had given up on her and said that she was a lost cause. When that had happened, Mebuki went to the one person she knew she could trust with her daughter – Namikaze Minato.

He had been shocked when he found out where Sakura had really been and a little upset that Mebuki didn't want any of Sakura's friends finding out, but in the end, he had helped out and assigned one of the best to her daughter. Tsunade. It had surprised her how alike Sakura and Tsunade were.

And now, three months on, Sakura was coming home.

Her baby girl was coming home.

It hadn't been easy. During those three months, Sakura had attempted suicide another two times, but after the last, Tsunade had put her on a even more intense, full–scale suicide watch. Sakura had been locked in a room and even her parents hadn't been allowed to visit. All they knew was that it was helping. And it did help. Sakura hadn't tried taking her life once since the watch. Though, when Mebuki had found out how the watch worked… Well, she hadn't been happy. Hearing that her daughter was sedated and restrained to a bed wasn't nice. In fact it made her feel a little sick. Had they really had to go that far? Tsunade had had a look of regret in her eyes, but had said yes. Yes it had been necessary because at one point, Sakura had started harming herself and put not only herself at risk, but also other patients.

Mebuki smiled brightly when a car came into view. Tsunade had told both her and Kazashi that she would personally be bringing Sakura home, that Sakura had requested she be there. It had upset Mebuki, but she had pushed the thoughts away. At least her baby girl was finally coming home!

As the car stopped and both Tsunade and Sakura got out, neither Kazashi nor Mebuki could hide their shock. Sakura… She had changed so much in so little time! Her skin was once again clear, though it still looked a little too pale, especially since the dark circles were still there. She looked as though she was back to her previous size, too. A healthy size that wasn't too big, nor too small. That wasn't what surprised them the most, though. It was the fact that Sakura wouldn't move any closer to the house without Tsunade by her side and as they finally reached them and entered, Sakura was silent, keeping her eyes staring ahead blankly until she looked up at Mebuki.

"Did anyone…?"

When her hoarse voice trailed off, Mebuki felt like her heart was being shredded. The truth was that no, nobody had come to visit her. Well, not in the past two weeks they hadn't. Usually, Sasuke would come by three times a week to see if Sakura was home and Naruto would stop by, too. However, Naruto had given up after the second month and it seemed Sasuke had given up, as well. There had been another boy who asked about her, Mebuki was certain that he was Nara Shikamaru, but that had only been the one time. Other than those three, nobody had come by.

"I'm sorry, Sakura." Mebuki said quietly, trying to keep her voice from wavering and giving away her lie. "Nobody came by."

She couldn't risk her daughter being hurt again, especially not after reading her suicide letter.

Sakura didn't reply. Instead, she simply looked away, her eyes and expression once again empty.


Things got better after the second month of her being home, though. Sakura had slowly started coming back to them. She started smiling more and actually held conversations with them instead of one–word answers.

And now, even though it had taken a while, Sakura was happy once again. Her baby girl was truly back now. Mebuki didn't know how to thank those who helped enough, especially Tsunade, Itachi and Gaara. If it hadn't been for them refusing to give up on her… Mebuki didn't even want to think about what might have happened. She was just so, so grateful and would forever be indebted to them. Nothing would ever compare to what they had all done. They had helped save her daughter. They were the reasons behind her smiles, now.

Gaara. Despite how rough he seemed, despite being so very intimidating, the way he looked at her daughter… It was how Kazashi looked at her and it made her so happy that Sakura could have somebody like that.

Also, thanks to some 'gentle' pushing from her daughter, Mebuki and Kazashi's marriage was no longer on the rocks. They were happy again and Kazashi was once again sleeping in their room, in their bed, with her. It was like when they first got together and he would spoil her and make her feel special, loved. He paid attention to her once again. He bought her chocolate and flowers, made her breakfast in bed and always kissed her as soon as he returned from a long day at work.

Also, to make things so much better, Sakura opened up to her. Of course there were things she still kept private and Mebuki respected that. She was just happy that Sakura felt comfortable with her once again to tell her such stuff.

Sakura was in love with Gaara. Mebuki hadn't needed Sakura to tell her that, but the blush on her cheeks as she did had been adorable! She also told her about the whole love triangle mess and whilst Mebuki didn't approve of Sakura seeing both boys at once (even if they did know about it) she was glad her daughter had finally made up her mind.

She had chosen Sabaku Gaara.


A/N - Heh... You probably all thought that I'd give you Gaara's reaction this chapter. Nope! I'm going to leave you all wondering just what the hell he's going to say or if Sakura even decides to tell him ;-)

Somebody told me that Sakura seems to be getting worse instead of better and in a way, they're right, but it's not all that surprising if you really think about it. She's finally telling people what happened to her and after ignoring what happened for so long, she's finally doing something about it. Sakura's reliving the memories she tried so hard to push away.

Okay, it may get a little confusing. This chapter is actually the night before (when Sakura was sleeping with Sasuke and Gaara was out with Naruto) and the next chapter will be a little later on. Not days or weeks later, more like hours, if that makes any sense.

I've been doing research on suicide watches and what happens in psychiatric hospitals or wards, but there are so many different stories and so much information, that it sometimes makes little sense. If you see something that isn't right, please tell me! If you have information that you think could help me, please share! :-)

I'm trying to show how different people reacted or react to what happened and what they found out. For Naruto, he feels guilty because he was the one who started that fight the night Sakura was attacked. He feels like it's his fault because if he hadn't lashed out, things wouldn't have escalated and Sakura wouldn't have left. For her parents, they're hurting. I don't know much about the bond a parent has with their child. It's not that I don't get on with my mum, because I do. I mean I don't always understand why she says certain things, or tells me what to do or stuff like that. I understand that a parent's love for their child is strong, but that's really all I know about it. So, I tried my best to explain how Mebuki felt when Sakura tried to kill herself.

HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED AND DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW! :-)