Chapter Forty Four
Bella
I could tell he was holding himself ready for a rejection even though he must know how I felt about him.
"When I look at you I don't see a vampire, I see a man and one who has lived through too much, been used and abused and turned into some kind of one man army. You are a man first and The Major second, but you don't have to be him any more Jasper."
He smiled a little sadly and brushed my cheek with the back of his hand,
"If only that were true sweet Bella. The only way to keep you safe is to remain The Major much as I would like to slough him off and never think of him again. But can you love such a man? When you have your whole life ahead of you in your own world?"
Words wouldn't show him my feelings so I leaned in close enough to touch his lips with mine. Even knowing what he was and how dangerous such an action could be it was the sweetest kiss I had ever experienced and he returned it gently putting his arms around me, arms that could rip a man apart but held me so gently I could only just feel them.
We stayed like this for several minutes, his cold lips feeling warmer with each passing moment and I felt my heart beating faster as my body reacted to his closeness. When he finally pulled back I could hardly breathe and longed to pull him back but I didn't know if he had done that because he couldn't bear the closeness any longer, the scent of my blood. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply,
"There is something about you Bella that stills the beast within, gives me the closest to peace I have experienced since I became a vampire."
I wanted to keep him talking, to keep him close so I took his hands in mine and looked into his face,
"Tell me about your human life and how you became a vampire if you don't mind."
I sat spellbound as he started to talk about his human life on a farm in Texas and his need to join the Confederate army to fight for the south. I could hear The Major in him even then, he hadn't been a different person, Maria had just crushed the human part of him and encouraged the soldier to take control. As he spoke I turned to make myself comfortable and leaned my head on his shoulder as he put his arm around me holding my damaged wrist which ached terribly in his cold hand the pain easing almost immediately. His voice lulled me back to sleep eventually but only once his story had been told.
It was a sad one, the way he had been treated and manipulated by Maria, turned from a soldier fighting for his country to a mercenary, killing at her command. It made no difference that his targets had been other vampires, each death had scarred him mentally especially when he admitted his gift to her. Jasper was an empath who could not only feel the emotions of everyone around him meaning he suffered with every death, but he could also manipulate the emotions of others which accounted for the pain in my wrist seeming easier when he was with me. I had hated that he would feel my pain, but nothing I said made any difference, he would not allow me to suffer when he could stop it.
When I woke up next time there was coffee and beans heated ready and I was so hungry they tasted like nectar. Only once I was full and sitting with my head once more on his shoulder did I think about his hunger, or thirst, more accurately.
"When did you hunt last?"
I felt him stiffen slightly and grabbed his free hand,
"Don't. I'm not worried for my own safety, I know you would never hurt me, but you must be thirsty."
"I'm OK for now, and I really don't want to talk about killing humans in order to survive, not with you Bella. The very thought makes me want to hang my head in shame. I never wanted to be a killer. I hated killing to feed, but I knew no other way to survive, and thirst becomes a living thing after a while. Something you can't fight forever."
"Jasper, do you know about the Cullens? About Carlisle's way of life?"
"Yes, I asked him if he would help me if I returned with you but I'm not sure I can do it, Bella. All I know is human blood, could I kill an animal to feed? I have no idea if I am strong enough to change my nature, I'm afraid of failing you, Bella."
"Don't I'll help you, Jasper, we'll do it together."
He looked down on me and his smile was so sweet I couldn't resist kissing him again but this time there was more than a feeling of contentment, there was a hunger. It was an aching low in my body, and I wondered suddenly what it would feel like to lay naked with him as Maria had. I remembered the sight of his naked body as he had got out of her bed and dressed.
That magnificent body that she had experienced so many times yet I, his mate, had never touched let alone experienced. I felt my breathing deepen and my heart rate increase as the ache became deeper and I ran a hand across his face and down his throat to the neck of the tee shirt he had acquired from somewhere. It had been better when he had no shirt and I could see his muscular arms and chest, the pale smoothness of his skin under my hand.
Without thinking I put my lips to his throat breathing in his musky scent that had my mouth dry and my pulses racing.
"Bella."
I hushed him with a finger to his lips,
"Don't. Please, Jasper."
He went quiet and I pushed against his shoulders feeling the granite hardness beneath his shirt. Once he was laying down I worked a hand underneath the tee shirt and felt a rougher surface than I had expected, his skin wasn't smooth as I had imagined but felt ridged as if there were scars.
I had to see, I couldn't help myself and I pushed the tee shirt up, frustrated when it caught between his shoulder blades, and the stone cave floor. I then smiled as he lifted his shoulders so I could pull it off revealing that beautifully carved body to his waist. Following the ridges I couldn't see in the gloom I realized they were the scars left by bites, all trophies of his time with Maria. The same scars I had seen on his arms and asked him about that day in the cabin.
I leaned in to kiss them, one at a time and heard a sharp intake of breath as my warm lips touched his cool skin. Suddenly the cave disappeared along with everything else and there was just he and I in the semi-darkness, alone in the quiet of the cave. I lay my head on his chest and closed my eyes as my fingers fumbled with his belt until I managed to undo it and pull it free of the loops that held it in place.
He groaned as my questing fingers touched a throbbing hardness below his zipper, and he brought a hand up to stop me, but I pushed it away. I continued my exploration, pulling down the zipper so my fingers could stroke him through the thin material of his boxers. I could feel as the throbbing became faster, and he groaned again but didn't try to stop me this time and I was glad. He was mine, only mine now, and I wanted to see, touch, and experience, every inch of him, here and now.
