Chapter 55: MISTAKE
Rorish's POV
I pace up and down just outside the service stairs desperately trying to stay calm and failing miserably. This was the universe punishing me for surviving that night. That woman on the table should have been me that night.
Panic swarms and I sit down on the stairs to try and push it back closing my eyes. I jump slightly when someone sits beside but calm when I find it's Jesse. He must have either followed me or known I'd come here.
"How are we doing Daddy?" He whispers.
"Like I'm being punished," I whisper.
"You're not being punished Leanne…"
"It sure as hell feels like it!" I exclaim as the tears start to fall. "I should have died that night! The pin in my left leg and the scars on my chest and stomach say I should have died that night! I should have went with them!"
"It just wasn't your time," Jesse says calmly. "If you died that night this hospital would have been screwed for the last six years. You're needed Leanne."
"Then why does it hurt so much?" I whimper.
"Because you love them. Look at Maya. She's being dealing with it five years longer than you have and she still hurts," He says.
"That's because her spleen reminds her everyday. The amount of meds she's on reminds her of what she lost…"
"And your leg reminds you," Jesse says. And I can't argue because it's true. "I've seen you limping recently. Are you okay?"
"You know it gets bad in Winter and the start of Spring," I mumble. "It's manageable though."
"Not what I asked."
"I don't think I can do this anymore," I sigh giving in. "I've been here twenty years Jesse. The whole of my career. I don't think I gave myself enough time to heal after the accident."
"How long have you been thinking this?"
"A few months. Since Maya got trapped in that building," I say.
"I think what you need to do is take a few personal days," He says softly. "Get your head straight and think about what you're going to do next. I don't want you to make any rash decisions."
I nod tearfully and Jesse pulls me into a hug.
"Come here you big blubbing mess," He says jokingly.
"Thanks for the talk Momma," I smile as I start to calm down.
"Anytime, Leanne. Anytime," He smirks pulling back then his face turns serious. "Now we have a mission to do ourselves."
"Mission?" I say raising an eyebrow.
"We currently have two residents that aren't in the best of places right now," Jesse says. "Much like you."
Then it hits me. Maya and Christa both lost patients. And from the look on Maya's face she felt extremely guilty probably because she administered the Asthma medication and the kid haemorrhaged. Christa and I got stuck with the person with Haemophilia. That's going to hit anyone hard.
"You deal with Christa and me Maya?"
"Sounds like a plan," Jesse says as we get up. "Now you better take those personal days."
"Don't worry I will," I smile sadly. "Thanks for the talk Jesse."
"No problem Leanne."
And with that we part ways. I head straight for the elevator. I knew exactly where Maya would be.
Maya's POV
I pace the roof shaking, too restless to sit down. I was freaking out. That kid was dead because of me. I'd made a stupid mistake. We were taught not to use Xolair with a head injury clearly present. Top that with a sedative...
But I had panicked and now that kid was dead.
I jump slightly when the door to the roof opens to reveal Doctor Rorish. She looks as if she had been crying and to be quite honest I was on the verge of doing so. I was just about holding it together.
"It wasn't your fault," She says quietly.
"The hell it wasn't!" I exclaim as the tears start to fall. She jumps slightly. "I gave that kid Lorazepam and Xolair. Mixed together they are bad news but with a head injury… I made a stupid decision and because of that decision a child is dead."
"Maya you did the best you could in a bad situation," Doctor Rorish says. "A lot of doctors have made the same decision thinking the risks were outweighed by the gain. You did all you could to save that boy."
"He was in so much pain," I cry softly as the panic takes over. "I couldn't give him morphine as he was too small… I… There were just too many injuries and so much blood. I didn't know if I needed to do the chest tube or intubation first or…"
"Maya stop."
I stop my rambling.
"Sit down and take deep breaths," Doctor Rorish says. I suddenly realise I was practically hyperventilating. I sit down.
"It's my fault. That eight year old is dead because of me…"
"No he's not Maya," Doctor Rorish says sitting beside me. "You did all you could. I haven't seen any first year resident do what you did in that room to save that child, half of which was by yourself."
"There was too much blood…"
"I know but you got him breathing again before he crashed and that was phenomenal. In my time here I've only seen two doctors with great promise and they were Neal and Mike. I now see that in you. You're going to be a brilliant Doctor Maya."
"Why don't I believe that?" I mumble.
"Don't be so hard on yourself. You got an offer to work in the best hospital in the country for goodness sake!" Doctor Rorish smiles. "You're going to be just fine. We lose patients Maya. It's part of the job."
Before I can respond the door bursts open again to reveal Mario. I stiffen. I really did not want to talk to him right now. Doctor Rorish notices as her face drops.
"If you need to talk I'm here," She whispers only loud enough for me to hear.
"Thank you," I say.
We that she leaves.
"Hey Mario," I say quietly running a hand over my face and wiping my tears away.
"We need to talk," He says putting his hands in his scrub pockets and sitting beside me.
"We do."
"Are you going to tell me what's been bothering you?" He says quietly. "We've barely spoken over the past week. You've been avoiding me… Maya what's wrong?"
"What's going on between you and Heather?" I whisper surprised I had the guts to say it. "Every time I see you two together she's practically all over you."
"Awk Maya I'm so sorry," He whispers. "I thought I had it under control."
My heart drops.
"What?" I whimper preparing for the worst.
"She keeps coming on to me and won't leave me alone. I've pushed her away each time but she won't listen," He says taking my hand. I sigh with relief. "I had no intention of making you feel that way. Maya there is nothing between me and Heather. I love you and Heather is not going to change it."
"Oh thank goodness," I sigh the weight coming off my shoulders.
"Did you think there was something between us?"
"I didn't know what to think if I'm quite honest with you," I say. "I felt threatened when she was all over you and it made me feel self-conscious. It just made me feel like you had settled for me."
"What?" Mario whispers. It was his turn to be confused apparently.
"It's obvious you're way out of my league. There's prettier than me. There's smarter than me. There's stronger than me," I say. "You've settled for a seven, eight at most when you're like a nine or ten."
"I'm out of your league!?" Mario says surprised. "If anything Maya you're out of mine! You're kind and smart and beautiful. I haven't met anyone as strong as you and it's an absolute honour to know you. I got lucky finding you. Before you I was a recovered junky who slept around. Then you crashed into my world with your sass, bold ideas and brilliant mind. I didn't settle Maya. I got really lucky. I love you more than I can express. Maya I love you."
I stare at him stunned trying to find words. I fail miserably and end up opening and closing my mouth repeatedly. Real attractive Maya. Not only do you look like an emotional wreck, you're now impersonating a goldfish.
"I think that's the first time I've seen you speechless," Mario smirks.
I was going to wipe that smirk of his face.
I move quickly, pulling him into a deep kiss. It's not long before I'm straddling him and we're making out. I pull back gasping for air after a few minutes and find Mario looking at me stunned.
"Now who's speechless?" I smirk.
"Oh so you're going to play it that way?" He smirks. This time he kisses me.
After a few minutes I feel it getting to heated and pull back breathing heavily and grinning.
"This is getting too heated…" I smirk.
"So?" He smirks back.
"So we're on the hospital roof. It's inappropriate. Anyone could walk in."
"Spoil sport."
"Oh I'm not saying no. We just have to wait till the shift is over and go to your apartment," I smirk.
He chuckles but before I can respond my phone starts buzzing so I quickly get up and answer.
"Hello, this is Doctor Cameron. Whom am I speaking with?" I say.
"Maya? It's Lisa Cuddy. Remember me?"
Well I wasn't expecting that.
"Of course I remember you," I smile. "What's the call for?"
"I'll be in LA for a few days and I was wandering if you would like to meet and catch up?"
"That sounds great. Would you mind if I call you back though? I'm mid shift and I don't know when I'm free exactly," I smile.
"Oh yes, you have that big trauma residency. Call back when you can Maya. Bye."
"Bye."
I quickly hang up.
"Who was that?" Mario says.
"Old family friend," I smile and then gesture to the door. "We better get back. Duty calls."
And with that we leave.
My fears about Mario were solved for now but I still felt extremely guilty over Luke. I was glad Mario didn't know and I hope it stayed that. He didn't need to know it was eating me up inside. I'll just need to deal with it myself or talk to Rorish.
I was used to dealing with things on my own anyway. I just hoped this time I actually could.
