The Shirriff (I)
Robin Smallburrow had been with the force now for six years. He was one of the five Shirriffs assigned to the Westfarthing. Yeah, the force was admittedly rather severely understaffed, with only twenty of them for the whole Shire and the hundred thousand or so 'folk that inhabited it. And the Shirriffs were not exactly the most competent law enforcement agency in the world either; Robin himself had applied for the posting only because he thought it would be a great opportunity to wander about the Shire, you know, talkin' with folks and knowin' where the good beer was at.
But the good news was at least the Shirefolk were a generally peaceable bunch, little trouble to be found anywhere (or if there was, they did a respectable job sweeping it all under the rug and smiling and waving to him whenever he rode past). No, the most difficulty they had had in the last year was last autumn, when those strange bigfolk in the black hoods came riding into town. Ruddy great bastards had murdered Shirriff Tobias Hornblower on their way to Hobbiton, he was sure of it. Poor, poor Rosamunda and their three sons. And then Master Baggins and his gardener just disappeared just like that, as did those two troublemakers, Merry n' Pippin (the latter, of course, were not as great a loss at all). No one quite knew for sure where they had roamed off to, and quite a few folks suspected that these strangers had murdered them all. The Sackville-Bagginses had since moved in, claiming they had acquired it perfectly legally, and a passin' yeoman from Bree had claimed he'd seen Master Baggins and Gamgee out there, but Robin just wasn't sure what to make of all this.
Regardless, thank Eru those black riders left shortly thereafter, for whatever reason. But in the wake of their departure, Mayor Will Whitfoot had decided to respond to these bizarre occurrences by expanding the Shirriffs from twelve to the exceptionally large size of... twenty. Yes, twenty! Five for each o' the Farthings. This unprecedented rate of mobilization had the approval of most of the goodfolk, who were obviously concerned about any further instances o' violent crimes committed by these black-riders, but it had been met with some resistance from quite a few folk worried that their taxes were going to nothing more than sanctioning another eight fellows to basically do naught but wander about the Shire from one inn to another. At least the chap who had taken over Ol' Tobias' spot on the force, one Broncho Stonecrow, he seemed a decent fella.
He had been spending the last three days in Michel Delving (much of it drinking with his superiors, the First Shirriff and the Mayor) and was now riding back to his usual posting - that being the Green Dragon Inn, of course. He had just ridden in and had been enjoying a drink, when the older Missus Lily Brown had approached him with a complaint, going on and on about the latest batch of strangers to come about these parts...
"Oh Shirriff, do something!" implored Lady Lily.
"Now, hang on just a minute 'ere!" piped up Robin from his table, rather annoyed at being distracted from enjoying his ale in peace, "what is so problematic 'bout these 'ere big-folk? We 'ave bigfolk traverse through there parts all the time."
"Oh, nuthin' like these big-folk!" insisted Lily, "Rosie 'ere saw 'em! Three men and two women."
Rosie Cotton, the wench who worked the bar at the Green Dragon, and who had joined them at the table, simply rolled her eyes. "Shirriff Smallburrow, please forgive dear mother here, she gets a little worked up sometimes. Yes, there were five of them. They had dinner here and roomed here the night and then set off again after breakfast."
"I'm not exactly seeing the problem here," muttered Robin, "they paid their room and board, did they not?"
"Aye. All in Gondorian Castars too," said Rosie.
"Aye, but I wasn't 'ere last night, and if I was, I wouldn't 'ave let 'em anywhere near here!" said Lily. "Rosie told me they came in 'ere, smellin' strongly o' pipeweed, dressed all strange and improper. I saw 'em this mornin' as they was leavin', and they were showin' off far too much skin! Oh, the indecency! And then Rosie tells me of all the things they were talkin' about over dinner, as the other guests pressed 'em for questions on where they was from, and the ale was gettin' passed around by the keg-load, and that's when you know they was speakin' their honest minds out! Rosie, tell the man 'ere what you 'eard!"
"I don't actually recall most of it," said Rosie, quietly, "they mentioned they came from another world 'beyond the stars', an' they went on to talk about how there are many, many other worlds out there, floating around for billions an' billions o' years. They said that three o' the brightest stars we see at night are other worlds quite close to ours, each with other peoples upon them, an' how all of our worlds go around the same sun."
"Yes, complete rubbish!" asserted Lily, "Good sir, I'm a good, righteous, Eru-fearin' lady, and I read me the Silmarillion all the time! And I know for a fact that there are no other worlds out there, ours is the one and true one that Eru himself created! This all must be some vile trickery that only Morgoth himself would think up! And they also had with them this small box that, by some sorcery, was able to conjure the most un-Eruly music imaginable! Laced with uncouth and indecent language, encouraging fair maidens to be all promiscuous, all young men to be unfaithful! It's Morgoth's own music, I'm sure of it!"
"Okay..." muttered Robin, not sure if perhaps he had already had his fill of ale. He beckoned to Rosie to get the tab, but Lily interrupted them.
"It gets worse!" she continued, "Rosie! Be a good girl and tell the Shirriff the last thing that happened last night when I wasn't 'ere!"
Rosie sighed. "So last night, as they were finishing up dinner, I told them what rooms we had open and asked how they wanted to sleep. I suggested three rooms, one for the elderly lord, and one each for the men and their wives. And they were downright confused by this at first, but then they explained that none of 'em were married at all, but that two o' them were involved in some kind of courtship, and that they were the two women among them. And then, to demonstrate their point, they kissed each other. Yes, they kissed. Nothing big, an' most of the other patrons were too drunk to notice."
"Exactly! EXACTLY!" cried Lily, "oh Eru, will someone please think of the children?! Whatever is this world coming to? These must be the End Days, and Dagor Dagorapture could soon be upon us!"
Robin frowned. On one hand, it didn't quite feel right to be pokin' his nose into other people's personal affairs as long as they wasn't harmin' anybody else. But on the other hand, if one woman was indeed lying with another, then something queer was afoot. And in these quaint goodly parts, anything out of the ordinary was almost always bad.
"And where are these bigfolk now?" he inquired.
"They left this morning for Hobbiton," said Lily, "if you didn't seen 'em on yer way 'ere from Delving, then they must have gone north at the bridge!"
Shirriff Robin Smallburrow paid his tab, politely thanked Lily Brown and Rosie for their hospitality, and then set off again, in the direction that had been indicated. He was pretty certain that these "Sky-folk" were not evil, because from the sound of it, they were tall and clean and healthy otherwise quite attractive, more like in appearance to Elves than to wretched Orcs. But still, if all that had been told to him was true, then it warranted investigation. Besides, it's not like he had anything better to do other than finding the next inn.
