A/N: LadyFangs says this one made her tear up...so be warned :(

One of my reviewers said something along the lines of I'm not going the scientific route...but as you will see in this chapter, I am. Everything T'Ren says in regards to Vulcan-human hybrids is true. In fact, it came from Roddenberry himself (which means it is the ultimate canon and I bow down to it. Sort of). While it IS true that Amanda can conceive- the baby will not survive beyond a certain point without genetic manipulation. Which means they will have to have scientific intervention to have Spock. Roddenberry and Leonard Nimoy say that Spock had to go through a truly heinous process to be brought into the world that included being taken out of the womb at one month, put back in a few months later for a few more months, and then taken out again to finish his gestation in a laboratory. However, I am *not* going that route. I will play with canon there. But they will still need science to get her pregnant. But more on that in the sequel...

Chapter 54: Snapped

He had known as soon as her cycle was late. He was observant after all- it was in his nature to pay attention to details. He'd thought she would know too, and tell him in her own time. He had not counted on her not knowing- and him having to tell her. Especially not under these circumstances...

After he contacted T'Ren he sat in silent contemplation in his study- his heart heavy. After everything that had happened- their struggle to be together, Pon Farr, the assassination attempt- it had been a sign of hope, of good things to come. A promise of a peaceful future. A future they deserved.

But now...it was too late. He felt his hope receding to the black depths from which it had come. He could not dwell on himself- he would have time to ponder later. Right now he was needed elsewhere.

Knowing she should not be alone he moved quickly, out of the study and back up the stairs. His long strides carried him down the hall and back to the bedchamber, and back to Amanda.

She had not moved from her spot on the bed. She was still curled up and he could see that she was trembling. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, his weight alerting her to his presence. She turned to face him, her eyes bright with unshed tears, and he could feel her hurt mingling with his as the knowledge of what was happening to her began to sink in. For the first time in his life, Sarek wanted desperately to cry.

"Are you sure? I mean- maybe all the stress just made it late..." He could hear the panic, the fear and false hope all mingled in her voice as it faded. She did not even finish her own sentence. She knew the truth now as well as he did. "Why didn't you bring it to my attention sooner?" she asked sadly. "I've been such a mess..."

"I thought you should find out for yourself," he said softly, stroking the side of her face. "It was a mistake on my part."

"I hope it's not too late," she said, leaning forward so her sheet of hair obscured her face from him. He could feel her desperation as keenly as his own as she voiced aloud the sentiment of his heart. "Please, oh please God, don't let it be too late." It was too much for her to absorb all at once and Sarek felt her dam burst as she buried her face in his lap. He could feel the moisture of her tears. He could only hold her as her hands tightened around the cloth of his robes and her body began to shake.

He was unsure of what to do. He knew she was speaking to herself more than to him- but her emotional pain hurt him as much as it did her. He did not want it to be too late, either. But his logical mind recognized a truth that his illogical heart prayed was a lie. His heart insisted that she was fine. That they were fine...that it was fine...

They sat in silence until T'Ren arrived with a scanner in one hand and medical bag in the other.

"Please stay," Amanda said softly when Sarek stood to leave. He hesitated, before moving over to the divan to give T'Ren more room.

The Vulcan xenophysician turned the medical tricorder on, running it over Amanda's abdomen. As she did so, Sarek's eyes met those of his wife. She was scared- and they both hoped he was wrong. He would gladly admit his error if he was.

"You are four weeks and two days along," T'Ren said and Sarek quickly calculated. That would place the conception during the day before his departure for Earth. That was not surprising to him. "However, you are now miscarrying," she added, breaking the tense silence. Amanda's breath left her forcefully and Sarek stiffened.

"I would appreciate a modicum of sensitivity, T'Ren. She is human- you cannot expect her to be comfortable with blunt facts," he said coldly. He himself was disturbed by the emotionless diagnosis- even if it was illogical to be so.

"How would you have preferred me to tell her, Sarek? I am only speaking the truth. She is miscarrying. There is no way to deliver that information to accommodate human emotionalism."

Tears were gathering again in Amanda's eyes. She said nothing as she bowed her head to avoid her husband's gaze.

"Is there no way to save it?" Sarek asked quietly, his eyes lingering on Amanda.

"No, there is not. If I had been called in yesterday, before the bleeding began, I could have. But now it is too late. A Vulcan-human hybrid is impossible to create without scientific interference. I am sure you know this, Sarek. Once the embryo reaches the developmental stage during which organs are formed- which is at the end of the first month- it can no longer survive."

Sarek felt heavy with disappointment. It was not only his emotion- it was both of theirs. Somehow they had both managed to cling to a strand of feeble hope. Now that strand snapped, the hope vanishing.

"I shouldn't have stopped the progesterone hypos," Amanda muttered. "But I thought I wouldn't be able to conceive so I just didn't bother with them."

Neither Vulcan answered her, although Sarek sent her a wave of soothing calm. Her tears stopped but she watched dejectedly as T'Ren readied a hypo.

"This will ease the pain," she explained. "As well as ensure that you not lose too much blood."

The medication was administered with a faint hiss. No one spoke as T'Ren replaced the hypo in her bag.

"I have done what I can. If you should wish to conceive in the future I suggest you contact a geneticist first to discuss your options. There are processes through which other interspecies couples have had hybrid offspring. However, none of those were Vulcan so there is no guarantee it would work. Otherwise- avoid conception, as the effort would be futile. It is impossible for you to have a child this way."

"Thank you for your time, T'Ren," Sarek said, standing as she nodded and left. When the door hissed shut behind her, silence fell once more. He stood there looking at his wife, who stared down at the bedcovers refusing to meet his gaze.

"What do you require?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said dully, finally looking up. "You have to go in an hour, Sarek. You need to finish packing." Her voice was hollow- completely devoid of the emotions he knew she was feeling.

"I will postpone the meeting," he said, but she shook her head.

"No. That's not necessary. It won't do either of us any good. You shouldn't delay it for my sake- I'm fine. I...I just want to be alone right now anyway."

"Amanda-"

"Go, Sarek. Really, I'm fine. I mean- I didn't even know, right? How can I be upset when I didn't even know until you told me?" Her voice was bitter with grief and anger. To whom or what it was aimed at he could not be sure.

He watched her as she laid down facing away from him, her head resting on a pillow.

"Are you certain-?" he began to ask.

"Go. I'm fine, Sarek," she repeated. "I can't keep you from your duties- they're more important."

He went to her, leaning over to kiss her temple as his fingers entwined in her hair.

"Amanda, nothing is more important than you are at this moment. I will not go if you ask me not to," he said. She did not reply and he felt a pang. She was hurting- he knew it. He could feel it. But she claimed she was "fine" and did not need him.

He kissed her again, this time on the lips. She returned it only half-heartedly.

Pulling away, he headed for the door...but felt like he shouldn't go. Each step he took away from her felt like a betrayal- it felt wrong. His place was here. With his wife. Business could wait.

It wasn't logical to feel. But he did. And he felt that his place was with her at this time. She was in pain, both physical and emotional. She was losing their child- a child he had known about for two weeks but she had not. If he'd told her and she'd seen T'Ren sooner, it was possible that this could have been prevented...

He passed T'Shan in the corridor and stopped to inform her of the goings-on.

"Go to her, T'Shan," he said when he finished.

"Of course, osu," she said. "Are you still going to Earth?"

He did not reply, instead looking away to avoid her hard eyes.

Her slanted eyebrows drew together. "You are going. Are you sure that is wise? Humans usually need emotional support in times of hardship. Surely this counts as such."

"She bade me to go," he replied, looking back at her.

"And?" T'Shan fixed him with a steely glare. He knew what she was thinking- that he was once more not doing his duty as bond mate.

"My diplomatic duties are important as well. She knows this," he continued slowly.

"I do not recall a time when Lady Amanda has ever known what is good for her- or what she truly wants," T'Shan said slowly. "That is why it is your responsibility."

He gazed at the woman before him. She gazed back unwaveringly.

"There is no need to inform me of my responsibilities to her, T'Shan," he said softly. "She bade me to go, and I know my duties are important. Yet I have no intentions of going, nor have I in the last half hour. Go to her and see if she requires anything...I have a call to make to Earth," he said before turning away and heading downstairs.

He'd known even as he told her he would not go if she asked that he would stay regardless. He couldn't leave her at a time like this...nor was he himself in a condition to. No...this was where he belonged. Here, with his wife- no matter what she said.


Amanda stared at the wall opposite her, at a collection of Vulcan tapestries that were probably centuries old. But she didn't really see them.

How hadn't she known? How had Sarek known before her? She had been nauseous off and on for a few days...her cycle had never come...she should have at least suspected it even if she didn't believe it to be possible. It was her body- she should have figured it out right away.

She lay in silence on the bed, a deep ache in her chest and the back of her throat, turning over the day's events in her head. She wished he had kept the information to himself. She would have been perfectly content believing it was just a particularly bad cycle. But then again...it would only happen again in the future if it hadn't been brought to her attention now. She'd certainly learned one thing from this- she had to go back on birth control.

Amanda placed a hand on her stomach, feeling the tears leak out of the corners of her eyes again, no matter how hard she tried to stop them. She knew it was illogical to be this upset. She'd had no idea the baby even existed. How could she be upset about losing a baby she hadn't known about until it was too late? She had never gotten a chance to get excited about it. Never gotten the chance to hope for the future. So why was she crying?

The door chimed and she wiped away the tears, trying to rally the last of her nonexistent composure.

"Come in," she called. As she had predicted, T'Shan came in.

"Osu Sarek told me on his way out," T'Shan said quietly in a tone Amanda had never heard her use before. "Is there anything you require of me?"

"I'm eating dinner in here tonight. That's all," Amanda said, laying her head on the pillow again. "I just want to rest."

"I will prepare something Terran for you," T'Shan said and left. Relieved to be alone once more, Amanda got out of bed and went to the double doors that opened onto the balcony.

It was a warm night, the air as dry as ever and scented with the sand and desert night flowers. It was dark- Vulcan had no moon and the sands were illuminated only by the stars spangled across the black sky above. She rested her arms against the stone railing and laid her head on them, looking up at the glittering lights suspended high above her.

She felt tired. Emotionally worn out. Heartbroken.

Amanda had never really put much thought into having children. She knew she wanted them someday- she loved children- but she hadn't wanted any of her own this soon. Their marriage was still so young and so far had been full of nothing but complications. That was hardly a situation to bring a child into- the last thing she wanted was a baby to be born into a family with problems like theirs that had still not been completely resolved. So why was she so upset?

It must have been the simple fact that for a month she had carried another life inside her- a life that she and Sarek had created together on what she knew had been that sad, fearful afternoon when she had no idea what would happen to him or what danger he was in. They had created it out of love. A half-Vulcan, half-human child. Unique. The perfect symbol of a marriage between two cultures. A child they both would have cherished for what it represented.

She buried her face in her arms, letting the tears come. She may not have known, but she'd wanted it. Now she was losing it.

Amanda heard the door slide open again and footsteps on the marble floor. She didn't move until she felt warm hands on her shoulders.

"Come inside, Amanda. You should be resting."

"I thought you left," she said as she raised her head.

"I did not."

She turned to face him, the tears still streaking down her cheeks. She had said she wanted him to go- but he must have felt the truth over the bond. She needed him. She was relieved he had not gone, no matter how selfish of her it was.

He spoke again before she could.

"You should have known-"

"Should have known what?" she interrupted. "That I was pregnant? Yes, I should have known. There's no need to throw my ignorance in my face!"

"Allow me to finish," he said, placing his hands on her forearms to quiet her. "You should have known I would choose you over a meeting that can be delayed."

"Oh," she said and bit her lip. She looked down."Why can't we have a moment of peace, Sarek? Every time everything settles down, something happens to disrupt it. We were just winding down again and now- now this happens. Sometimes I feel like the universe is against us."

He drew her against him, tucking her head under his chin.

"It will not always be so. There are bound to be moments of peace," he said.

"That's just it- moments of peace! I would prefer that we have peace most of the time, occasionally interrupted by moments of drama- not the other way around! I'm just...tired of it."

"If it is what you want," Sarek said, his voice low. "And it will make you content...we could go to a healer and dissolve the bond."

She jerked away from him, looking into his face incredulously.

"I didn't say that!" she cried "Why- do you want that?" she asked, suddenly afraid.

"No, I do not," he assured her. " But if you are dissatisfied with our marriage then it would be the logical course of action to ensure your happiness. If it makes you happy, I would consent to it."

She knew he was being serious- she just couldn't believe it.

"I'd never ask that of you- no matter how bad things get! I said I was tired of it but I didn't mean I'm giving up!" she said angrily.

"Calm down and come inside," he said, placing a hand on the small of her back as he led her back into the bedchamber. She pulled away from him abruptly, turning to glare at him.

"Don't tell me to calm down! How can you even mention divorce at a time like this?" she asked, her anger rising further. "This- this whole situation- it's impossible for me to accept! And then you only add to it by suggesting we dissolve the bond? How could you even think that would help, Sarek?!"

"I only want what is best for you," he said quietly, folding his arms over his chest.

"Well that isn't it!" she cried. Tears once more stung her eyes, but she kept them at bay. "You have no idea what I'm going through! You don't know what it's like- to feel a life slipping away from you! I didn't know about the baby, but that doesn't make it any easier for me! And you- you stand there, not knowing and just- assuming you do! And you dare to ask for a divorce at a time like this?!"

"I am not asking for it. I merely suggested that if you decide that is best-"

"And I'm not going to decide that- ever!" She brushed away the tears once more falling from her eyes and he stepped forward as if to touch her. She held up a hand, stopping him in his tracks. "On top of that- you knew! You knew I was pregnant! How long, Sarek? How long did you know?"

He was silent for a moment, looking down at the floor. When he spoke, his voice was so quiet she had to strain to hear it.

"Two weeks."

"Two weeks," she repeated, the pain in her chest intensifying. "You knew for that long and didn't tell me...you knew I wasn't in the right state of mind to realize what was going on, and you withheld from me! Why?"

Her voice was rough with anger and hurt. He looked back up at her, his voice still soft as he again spoke.

"I do not have words to describe how I felt in the moment I first realized you carried my child. I wanted you to feel that way also, and you could not have experienced the...rapture...I felt, if I told you. You would have only felt it if you discovered it yourself. As I said earlier, it was a mistake not to tell you."

"A mistake?" Her voice cracked on the last syllable. "This is hell of a lot more than a mistake! God damn it- you should have said something! If you had, this could have been prevented!"

She turned away, her fists clenched at her sides as even more hot tears spilled down her cheeks. Her chest was heaving, her body shaking. She knew it wasn't really his fault. But she was angry, hurt, in pain- in agony over what was happening to her. She knew she shouldn't take it out on him- but she had to let it out. If she didn't, she'd go insane. She couldn't hold it in.

"You can't possibly know what it was like- having my husband tell me I'm having a miscarriage before I even knew I was pregnant. You can't possibly know how this feels- to have a life die inside me and there's nothing I can do about it but let it happen! You don't know my pain!"

There was a silence, and then she heard boots against the marble floor. Before she could warn him away or move across the room, she felt strong fingers wrap around her upper arm, spinning her back around.

Sarek's eyes were dark with rage and hurt as he seized both her arms and forced her to look up at him.

"I do not know your pain?" he asked in a low hiss. "How can you make such a presumption, Amanda? Feel the bond- reach across it. Then you will realize how much I know your pain. You do not suffer alone. The child was as much mine as yours. Yet you accuse me of not understanding? I may be Vulcan and you may not see how I feel outwardly- but you know the truth!"

Never had he spoken so plainly- never had his voice been so full of raw emotion. His fingers gripped her arms hard but she did not even notice. She stared up into his face- into those eyes which were so full of the same emotions she felt...

"I am aware you are hurting. I am aware there is nothing we can do. And you allow yourself to believe I am not affected? I may be many things, Amanda, but I am not so emotionless as to not care when my wife loses our child. I feel your torment as well as my own. Do not assume I do not understand."

She trembled; biting her bottom lip hard in an attempt to stop what she knew was coming. He continued to stare into her eyes, and as he did she finally reached across the bond- for the first time concentrating on someone else's pain other than her own.

Strong, overwhelming waves of sorrow, helplessness, and heart-wrenching agony rolled over her, joining her own. He felt the exact same way she did- like the world was once more falling around their shoulders and they were powerless to stop it.

She collapsed against him and began to sob for the second time that night. Her knees could no longer support her weight, so he tightened his hold around her, holding her close against him as she let out her pain without further restraint.

Amanda had never cried so hard, or for so long. She was dimly aware of him picking her up and placing her on the bed before joining her, but all she cared about was the hot body she was curled against, her tears wetting his robes but neither of them caring. Her fingers clutched onto the black fabric and she felt that if she let go, the last thing anchoring her to sanity would disappear.

Neither of them were aware when T'Shan stepped inside, surveying the scene before her- her dignified Vulcan master, holding his human wife close to him- his face buried in her hair as she cried against his chest. It was a private moment- one nobody was meant to see. She quietly placed the tray she held on a table and left, feeling heavy herself. The loss of a child would hurt, could cause even the most fortified of emotional barriers to break down. It was a rare moment when their emotions reigned over their logic.

They were both in pain. Both suffering. Both mourning the loss of what wasn't to be. And there was nothing anyone could do but ride it out and hope for better- for something to make it worthwhile.


It was seemingly hours before Amanda finally slept beside him, her cheeks stiff with dried tears and her eyes swollen from crying. He placed soft kisses against her eyelids- not wanting to leave, but knowing he must. He must meditate...her way of relieving pain was through tears. His was through intensive meditation.

Sarek gently slid away from her, settling her head onto the pillow. She did not even stir.

He kept a meditation mat in their quarters, but he usually used the chamber down the hall. Tonight he had no desire to leave Amanda's side. He took out the mat and unrolled it on the floor beside the bed. As he settled down he faced toward it. She was only a few feet away from him.

He closed his eyes, concentrating on her deep, even breathing. He matched his own to it and used the pattern to lull him into a trance.

The day had been emotionally draining. Just that morning he had been at peace with the world- knowing that his wife carried his child and sure that their future was full of promise. They would have a family. A child of their own. He had been...proud.

But now...now he had no names for the dark emotions within him. Except one.

Guilt.

Could this have been prevented had he told her? She was right...this was no simple mistake. This "mistake" may have resulted in the loss of their child. It had resulted in her pain- and he could never tolerate her pain.

He had been serious when he suggested dissolution of the bond. He honestly believed it would be better for her. She herself had said it felt like the universe was against them- and while he had attempted to soothe away such an illogical thought, he felt the same way. They had so much against them...this most recent incident being only one of a whole series of them.

I do not recall a time when Lady Amanda has ever known what is good for her- or what she truly wants... That is why it is your responsibility.

T'Shan's words rang in his mind. Despite her insistence...Amanda would be better off without him. That fact had been proven time and time again. It did not matter how he felt about it- what mattered was her happiness. And as long as she was with him, she could never be entirely happy- no matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise.

Was this really worth the constant emotional pain for them both? Could he allow her to continue to endure it? Could he allow himself to continue causing it? They had tried everything to make their marriage what they wanted it to be- peaceful. But they had failed. It was only one tragedy after another and at the moment he could see no bright future- no hope for them.

It would be better to end it. It would be the logical thing to do- they would both benefit from going their separate ways. It did not matter if he did not want that. It did not matter if the mere thought made his soul cry out in protest. They could not continue this- could not continue to have their hopes let down every time something pleasant happened. And that was inevitable. That was the way it had been from the beginning and always would be.

He opened his eyes, looking upon her sleeping form. Could he let her go? This human who had somehow managed to capture his Vulcan heart? This woman who had shown him what love was? Who had been there for him in his times of need? Who even now protested against dissolution despite what she was going through- which may or may not have been prevented by him?

Could he allow the one truly good thing to happen to him slip away? To marry another- to bear another man's children while he moved on also, as if they had never been?

It was selfish, he knew, to even consider those reasons. It would be better for her. But he simply...could not let her go. His very being refused to acknowledge the suggestion.

No...despite everything, there was a reason they were together. It was illogical. It was not Vulcan. But it was a reason...and love was as good a reason as any to stay together. To weather through the bad times together- to be there for each other. It may have been selfish to not want her free for another...but it was even more selfish to demand a divorce because he did not want the pain any more. She was willing to endure it and he should be too.

This was only another trial. Another incident that made him second-guess his decision to marry her. But the solution was the same as it had been the other times...their marriage was not an easy one. It had never been destined to be. But maybe the trials they faced were worth trudging through for those rare moments of peace. They strengthened their relationship.

It was not logical...but that did not make it any less true.

Sarek stood from the mat and rejoined his wife on the bed, gently taking her back into his arms and smoothing her hair away from her face. Yes, this was worth it- and she knew that too. That was why she had protested so vehemently when he made the proposal to rid them of the bond.

As for the child...he buried his face in Amanda's hair again, closing his eyes. He would never know if he could have prevented it, and it was too late. All that was left was to wait and see if she would forgive him. If she could, he could forgive himself as well. And knowing her...she would. It was not in her nature to never forgive someone she loved, no matter how grave their transgressions.

Just like every other trial they faced, they would get through this- together. They would heal- together. They would persevere and find those moments of peace, no matter what they had to go through to get to them.

They had each other. That was all that mattered. And as he gathered her even closer to him he finally...finally...allowed a tendril of hope for their future to enter his soul.

A/N: Only the epilogue left!