Sagewhisker stared quietly down at his paws, sadness in his pale green eyes. I took a step towards him and briefly touched my nose to his.
"I hope you find a cat that can love you in the way that I can't," I meowed quietly to Sagewhisker.
He blinked silently at me.
"I would like to still be your friend, but I understand if you need space," I meowed, pulling back from him.
"Thank you…" Sagewhisker said quietly. "You're a good friend, Lightningfire."
As the sun set, staining the sandy gorge red, we walked together back to camp in silence. The only sound between us the rusting of the undergrowth and the chirps of the birds in the trees. As we padded through the gorge, I spotted Minttail and Wolfshade walking together, side-by-side, like they were getting ready to leave camp.
I felt a rush of strength left over from my conversation with Sagewhisker. The surge of strength knotted in my stomach, filling me with nervous energy. I stared at Wolfshade and Minttail.
I can do this. It's now or never.
I took a deep breath, steeling myself.
"Give me a moment, Sagewhisker," I said before bounding away.
I dashed over to Wolfshade and Minttail, coming to a skidding stop in front of him.
"I need to tell you something," I blurted out to Wolfshade, cutting in front of him and Minttail, and forcefully halting them in their tracks.
Wolfshade blinked at me, his gaze uncertain. Despite his hesitance, I locked my eyes with his, digging my paws into the ground and bracing myself.
"I know you told me that you don't want to know. And, that you need time, and space, and whatever, and I've been giving it to you," I said, the words rushing out of me like flooding water.
I took a deep breath, unsheathing my claws and digging them into the ground.
"But, I'm tired of waiting because it's killing me," I said.
Wolfshade blinked at me, a mixture of surprise and confusion on his face.
"And, you know what?" I continued. "I don't think you need time; I think you're just scared. You're scared and selfish because it's all new to you since you can't remember and that makes you afraid. But, these memories, what you've forgotten, it isn't just about you. It's about me too."
I stared deeply into Wolfshade's eyes, searching his gaze with mine intently.
"And, you're hurting me, and I've done nothing wrong," I said, my voice breaking slightly over the words.
I swallowed, steadying myself, and I continued.
"So, you can keep hiding from me, and avoiding me as much as you want. But, you can't hide from the past, and you can't change it either, even if you can't remember it. Because it happened, Wolfshade," I said, looking into his grey-green eyes.
"I loved you. I'm still in love with you," I said, my voice a rasp.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Minttail's lip curl back in anger. She lunged forward, but Sagewhisker leapt in front of her, blocking her from running to me. Minttail's green's flared as she glared at her brother as he stood in front of her, then she slid her gaze away from him to watch Wolfshade, waiting for his response. I stared at Wolfshade too. This whole time, his gaze had never left mine.
Wolfshade's eyes stretched wide as he stood frozen in shocked silence. Only a few heartbeats passed, but it felt like moons to me.
"I'm sorry, Lightningfire, but I'm not that cat any more," Wolfshade mumbled finally, dropping his gaze from mine.
I closed my eyes, feeling my heart tearing in my chest.
"I understand," I whispered, opening my eyes and forcing myself to look at him.
"I just had to tell you once. I never got the chance to before," I said, upset at myself for how broken my voice sounded.
I stepped forward and tilted my head to press my nose to Wolfshade's. His gaze flickered up to mine in surprise. I stared deeply into his grey-green gaze. The eyes I knew so well.
"Goodbye, Wolfshade," I breathed, with the finality I had whispered into Bouncefire's fur the night of his vigil.
Then I stepped back and turned aside, leaving the three of them standing in the camp. I walked off into the forest and didn't look back.
I brushed through the quickly darkening undergrowth, and behind me I heard the sound of paw steps and snapping twigs.
"Lightningfire!" Sagewhisker called.
"I want to be alone, Sagewhisker," I said, continuing to press through the ferns.
I heard Sagewhisker's paw steps falter then stop, leaving me alone in the forest.
Wolfshade would have gone after me, no matter what I said.
I felt a deep mournfulness settle over me.
No, that Wolfshade is gone. This Wolfshade would not have run after me either.
The dark trees loomed over me, completely silent except for the swirling of the wind through the branches. I walked with no destination in mind, moving slowly to keep the ache of my ribs away. Eventually, I reached the scent markers that announced the end of our territory. I paused at the border, staring out into the unfamiliar forest.
What if I just kept walking? How long would it take the Clan to notice I was gone?
They'd surely send a search party out, but when they tracked my scent to the border, would they keep going? How far would my family and friends go to get me back?
No.
I gave my head a rough shake, stopping the thoughts and turning aside.
Running away would not solve any of my problems, only create new ones. Anyways, what would I even do without my Clan? I'd never be a kittypet, so I guess I'd become a rogue. I'd live on my own, hunt on my own, and maybe one day find a nice cat who'd become my mate, and we'd raise a litter of kits together.
As I padded away from the border, I cast a final glance over my shoulder towards the unknown trees.
Maybe being a rogue isn't actually all that bad.
I gazed into the forest for a moment longer before I turned back towards the camp.
The only problem was that when I imagined my hypothetical rogue mate, I could only see Wolfshade.
It was the dead of night when I made it back to the camp. I hovered around the edge of the gorge that led to the center of the camp, hiding in the bushes.
Do I really want to go back to my nest?
I hesitated, looking out over the sandy gorge that stretched in front of me. Finally, I decided to turn aside. Back in the forest, far past the edge of our camp, the gorge walls were low. I scrambled up the small cliff. It should have been an easy climb, but I was left panting at the top, short of breath. After I recovered for a moment, I heaved myself up and turned back in the direction I came, walking back along the top of the cliff towards the camp again. I made it back to camp, but now I was on the top of the cliff above the dens, high off the ground. I couldn't climb directly down the cliff, but more importantly, other cats couldn't climb directly up. I sat on the grassy cliff top, careful to stay away from the edge, so I didn't knock any stray rocks down into the camp. I turned my eyes upward to Silverpelt.
What have I done to deserve this? I silently asked the stars.
I sighed, bowing my head.
Oh, Wolfshade.
I was filled with deep mourning and grief, but also a strange sort of acceptance crept over me. I felt oddly... at peace.
I had seen there was no hope to mend our relationship. I had stared deep into the eyes of the cat I once knew and said goodbye to the Wolfshade I loved. And, now I could move on.
It was like there had been a huge thorn buried deep inside my pad, and I had been walking on it for sunrises and sunrises. But, now I've pulled it out. The wound was deep, and it still hurt. It hurt badly. But, without the thorn the puncture could heal. It just might take some time.
I lay down, crouched under the stars. I looked at the camp below me. I felt both close to my clan-mates, but also unfathomably distant.
My Wolfshade is dead. He died with his brother when the badgers attacked us, but I've only just realized it.
I stayed awake all night, holding vigil for the death of the cat I loved, until the sky began to lighten to turn pink from the rising sun.
Only then did I curl up right where I had sat, closing my eyes and letting my exhaustion wash over me.
XXXX
"I want to know," a voice rasped from behind me, snapping me out of my sleep.
Startled, I leapt to my paws and whirled around. Wolfshade stood uncertainly a few fox lengths away, halfway in the edge of the woods. He was wreathed by shadows, his eyes gleaming in the pale light of the barely rising sun. Our eyes met, and he seemed to rally his confidence. Wolfshade took a step forward, the shadows falling from his face. My paws shook, and I had to dig my claws into the ground to hide their trembling from him.
"What?" I croaked, my voice hoarse from not speaking all night.
He lashed his tail and flexed his claws, but he didn't seem angry with me— more with himself. He paced agitatedly for a moment, turning to look at me over his shoulder.
"I want to know everything. What I've forgotten..." His voice trailed off, and his gaze flickered up to meet mine.
"What I've forgotten about you," he meowed.
My breath caught in my throat. In that moment our eyes met, a fiery connection blazed between us. And, for a heartbeat, it was like he was my Wolfshade again. But, then he lowered his eyes and the moment ended.
He shook his head.
"I'm sorry about what I said before. The truth is… you're right," Wolfshade meowed, staring down at his paws. "I was scared. I am scared. It's a lot…"
His voice trailed off as he struggled with what to say. His tail tip twitched, and he took a deep breath.
"…To find out that things I thought I knew aren't true. That so many things have happened, but to me, it feels like they didn't. It's scary to wake up one day and be told you love someone and not even remember her face," Wolfshade said.
I winced slightly like his words were a physical blow. Wolfshade took a step towards me, his face pained.
"I'm sorry. Please, hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I—I don't know what we were or are or supposed to be…"
His gravelly voice trailed off.
"And, I know the memories may be gone forever… But, I can't help feeling like I'm only living a fraction of my life. I don't want to hide from the rest of it anymore. I owe it to myself to at least try to remember. And, I owe it to you," he meowed, his voice deep.
You do, a quiet, selfish voice whispered in my head.
I silenced it with a flick of my ears.
"And who knows…" Wolfshade continued, he looked at me with a shy, hesitantly hopeful expression. "Maybe something you say, somehow, will bring the memories back."
I hesitated. I blinked at him, unable to find the words to respond.
What should I do?
Tell him everything, mouse brain, I replied to myself.
... But, should I? Another thought whispered.
I clenched my jaw. Every sunrise since the badger attack, I've woken up in pain, knowing Wolfshade was gone from me. And, now he wants to try to know me again. Any chance, any tiny flicker of hope that he could be mine again made me want to help, to try to make that happen. But, really, what was the chance that he would remember? That he would love me?
I would only be putting myself through more pain. Raising my hopes just to dash them against the boulders again.
He's the thorn I've just pulled from my pad. The wound can heal now with the thorn gone. And, this would just be stepping on it again.
I stared at my paws. Slowly, I lifted my gaze to look back up at him. Wolfshade stared at me, waiting for my response. I looked into his eyes, feeling my heart ache more and more powerfully in my chest with every beat.
But… I love him.
I began to nod, slowly at first, but with quickly escalating vigor.
"What do you want to know?" I said.
