Sorry it's a day late. Enjoy.
Chapter 44 - It's Now or Never
After having such an emotional moment with Liara and divulging her past, Shepard wished she could have taken a few weeks to recuperate, but now that she had made a firm decision about what to do with Tucker, she didn't want to put it off and shy away from it. It had gone on long enough and it was her responsibility as his friend and girlfriend to be honest. She was somewhat wistful as she thought back to how determined she had been that their long distance relationship would work out. She remembered being so sure when she'd left for Sanves that they'd stay together. But the almost two month span that they'd been apart had just proved to her that they obviously weren't meant to be together.
When she thought of how typical couples should act when they were apart, she realized that she didn't act like them at all. Sure, she missed him, but it wasn't all encompassing and she didn't think about him every second of every day. She wasn't bursting at the end of every day to talk to him. She didn't want to belittle the good times that they had had, but these points proved to her that she wasn't invested.
She thought again of how everything seemed to come so naturally while they'd been together on Earth and she'd wondered why it worked there but not here. The only thing she could come up with was that it had felt like a natural progression from their years-long friendship and she'd been so used to being around him anyway that it felt easy to view him as a boyfriend. And maybe all along she'd mistaken romantic feels for something that had just been expected, but she didn't want to analyze that too much because she had been happy with him, there was no denying that. But the fact that she didn't miss him anymore than she missed Julia was just a telling point that she couldn't ignore: She only thought of Tucker as a friend now and it was time to do something about it.
Thankfully, at the end of the week she got a sort of emotional recharge and a distraction from her impending conversation with Tucker when Coach Kandros told her that she made the skyball team.
The female turian had called Shepard into her office a day before the end of the week and told her the news. After Shepard was allowed to thank her and tell her how excited she was, the coach then went over her tryout scores and they talked for a little while longer about what Coach saw as her strengths and weaknesses and what she wanted Shepard to focus on improving once she started practicing.
The last day of the week sitting at the lunch table also served as a great distraction as all her friends were congratulating her on her success. Wrex told them that Grunt had made the team as well and Shepard had been relieved to hear that. Grunt was a great player and since there weren't any krogan on the team currently she saw him as a great addition. The rest of lunch was full of tales from different people talking about their own skyball experiences, good and bad. She laughed particularly hard when Kaidan told a story about Ashley trying to ride her hoverboard off the roof of her house when she'd been 5. It had ended in a trip to the hospital and great fodder for teasing.
The news and the excitement from her friends came at a great time for Shepard because it allowed her to end the week on a positive note rather than an apprehensive one. Of course as soon as she got home from school that day she was nervous all over again, but she was glad she hadn't been fretting over it all week. She'd decided to call him sometime in the next few days but hadn't solidly decided on a time. She was also debating whether or not to call Julia first and give her a heads up or call her afterwards.
There were good's and bad's to both, though. If she called Julia first, it would help her work through some things but then if Tucker ever asked Julia about, he might be upset that she had known before him. If she called Julia afterwards it would be incredibly nice to have the emotional support from her best friend, but then she'd run the risk of Tucker calling Juila right afterwards as well. The only negative that had ever come from how tight-knit their trio was, was the fact that they told each other everything. It rarely caused problems since they were generally a united front, but it made internal conflict very complicated and sometimes awkward.
She distracted herself for a few hours by doing some homework, messaging Liara and playing some vid games, telling herself that she needed to wait for Tucker to get out of school anyway, but she knew she was just kidding herself. Eventually she gathered her courage and made her way up to her room. Sitting in front of her terminal, she contemplated for a few moments who to call first and finally decided on calling Julia first. If anything, Tucker would understand Julia knowing what was going to happen before him. He couldn't begrudge her getting support from one of her best friend, since in any other situation that would be the most obvious choice. It just got slightly odd because Julia was also one of Tucker's best friends and Shepard had no doubt that he would seek her out as well.
Knowing there wasn't a solution that would make everyone happy (besides the obvious fact that she was breaking up with someone and that was guaranteed to cause unhappiness), Shepard pulled up her contact list and chose Juila's name. As it rang, she laughed at the cowardly part of herself that wished Julia wouldn't pick up. Her wish was not granted however when a few seconds later Shepard saw the connection link light up. She took a deep, calming breath and settled her shoulders. A moment later Julia's face popped up on her screen with a big smile.
"Hey, man!" her best friend said excitedly.
Even with the nervous ball of energy roiling in her stomach, just seeing Julia's face made her feel better. She always had a way of calming her down. "Hey, Julia. How's it going?" She figured she might as well just start this out like a normal conversation. She hadn't talked to her friend in over a week and before diving into the heavy stuff just wanted to catch up.
"Eh, same old, same old. School, skyball, parties, the works."
"How's the team been playing?" Shepard asked. The skyball season back on Earth was already in full swing (thankfully the season here on Sanves started later, allowing her the opportunity to try out) and she was wondering how they were doing.
"So-so. They're definitely feeling your absence. They're not playing horrible, but everyone knows you were one of the best players, so they're just doing as well as they can," Julia shrugged.
Shepard felt sort of bad for leaving her team in a bind, but there wasn't much she could have done about so didn't really care all that much. They'd find someone new eventually or just train the whole team a little harder. "Well that's alright, I guess. We just did so well last year I hope it's not too tough on them trying to reach that same level again."
"Like I said, they've won some games, they're just not stellar like when you were on the team. But enough about this team, what about you?! I know you had tryouts this week, don't keep me hanging, woman!" Julia bounced up and down excitedly.
Shepard tried to look dejected, but couldn't keep the face up so she just smiled broadly. "I made the team!"
"Hell yeah!" Julia cheered on her end. "Dude, I told you you'd make it. You always freak out about shit like this when the rest of us all know you've got it in the bag," Julia teased her.
Shepard stuck her tongue out at her. "Hey, this time I had a right to be nervous. I'd never played against aliens before. And to back up my claim it was definitely an odd change. I will admit I played well, but not as great as I'm used to and there were other good kids trying out too."
"Whatever, you made it and those other losers didn't, so you're obviously better," Julia said flippantly.
Shepard laughed. "Jeez, Jules, you're so heartless."
"Oh hush. Were any of them your friends?" Shepard shook her head. "Then see, I didn't insult anyone you knew, no harm done."
Shepard shook her head but knew Julia was right. "So I heard parties mentioned on that list. What stupid thing did you do this time?" Shepard baited with a smirk.
"I resent that remark," Julia commented dryly, but launched into a story nonetheless, proving Shepard's assumption right.
For almost another half hour they continued talking about different bits of news that had happened in their lives. Finally, though, when Shepard felt a lull in their conversation she decided to take the plunge. "Ok... I did sort of have an ulterior motive for calling," Shepard said seriously.
Julia raised an eyebrow at her. "Great, so I've just been prattling on about nonsense like an ass?"
"No, no, I did want to talk to you. Like, just catch up like we normally do. It wasn't nonsense," Shepard countered.
"I'm just teasing, Shep. But seriously, lay it on me. What can bestie number one help you with?" She was serious, but still trying to lighten the mood with her antics. Julia always liked to rub it in Tucker's face that she was actually friends with Shepard first, but most times she was just teasing him and knew that Shepard didn't see it that way at all.
"Well... Okay, I'm not quite sure where to start. Um..." Shepard thought back to the first time she had voiced her thoughts to Liara and what she'd said. She also flashed back to a week ago when she'd finally opened up to someone about her past. She figured she could start with that to prove to Julia that she trusted Liara and so her friend knew how great the asari had been for her as well. "So you know that asari friend I was telling you about?"
"Yup. Uh, Liara, right?" Julia said, slightly puzzled by where the conversation could be going.
"Yeah. Ok, well last week she asked about my mom," Shepard said slowly.
Julia paused for a bit. "Oh. So... how did that go? Did you tell her anything?"
Shepard laughed ruefully. "Yeah, I told her everything. Probably sort of dumped it on her without warning," she said with some chagrin.
Julia rolled eyes. "That poor girl. You probably emotionally scarred her. That's not some light stuff, Shepard."
"Duh, I know that," she retorted. "Anyway. She's the first person I've told here about why I moved in the first place. She was really great about it and it felt so awesome to finally get it off my chest, you know?"
"Yeah I get it. We were all sort of wrapped up in everything ourselves so it's probably different getting to tell a total stranger about it. I mean, not that she's a stranger obviously, but you get my meaning," Julia babbled.
"I got it, Julia," she smirked. "So all that to say, I really trust her. But that's sort of just background info to what I called about."
"Jeez, what the hell more could you have to tell me? That's some pretty intense stuff right there, man," Julia said incredulously.
Shepard laughed. "Fine. I realize that's sort of a big deal as well, so I'll amend my statement and say that I called for two big reasons, how's that?"
"Better. Continue."
"The other reason sort of involves Liara too, but indirectly, more like she was just a bystander to my revelation," Shepard explained.
"Shepard, what the fuck does 'revelation' mean. That's a pretty specific word," Julia said.
"Well, Liara was looking at the different pictures of the three of us on my desk a while back. Obviously she asked who you guys were so I explained. When I told her about Tucker, she picked up on something that I didn't even know was there fully but then I ended up having my 'revelation'," she said with a hint of humor.
"Ooookay?"
Shepard sighed and steeled herself, staring at Julia when she opened her mouth. "I ended up realizing that I don't... That I have... I'm... Crap this is so hard to articulate again," Shepard apologized.
"Oh my god, Shepard, please don't tell me that you're like, in love with me or some shit like that and you've been repressing it your whole life," Julia spazzed. As Shepard was opening her mouth Julia interrupted her again. "Jesus, what the fuck am I supposed to say to this?!"
Shepard shut her mouth but only because she was having the hardest time ever not busting out laughing. She had absolutely no inkling of where this insane idea was coming from but she found it hilarious. She debated playing along just to see how freaked out her friend would get, but she looked genuinely frightened as she continued to blabber about how she only loved her as a friend and blah, blah, blah. Julia finally focused on Shepard's face again and stopped mid-sentence when she saw how hard Shepard was trying to not laugh.
"Shepard, what the fuck?!" she yelled.
Finally Shepard lost it and busted out laughing. "Oh- O-h my g-gosh, what?" she choked out, cackling too hard to speak very coherently. "J-Jules, where the h-hell did that come from?" She was still laughing but the agitated and offended look on her friend's face was helping her calm down.
"Dude, you're the fucking worst. Why did you let me believe that shit even for a second. What the hell!"
Shepard was still chuckling but she made placating motions with her hands. "Julia, breath. In... Out..." She was teasing, but at the same time seriously trying to calm her friend. "I'm sorry, I just have no clue how you jumped to that conclusion and it was effing funny, dude."
"Dude, I don't know! You were just saying all that stuff about Tucker with 'I don't' and 'I am' and not finishing your fucking sentences so I just made a leap," Julia said with an irritated look. Though her cheeks were starting to turn red so Shepard guessed she was realizing how ridiculous her claim had been. Seeing the smirk on Shepard's face made her huff. "Oh, knock it off, ass."
"Well... I don't know whether to be offended or not that the idea of me dating you obviously scares the crap out of you. You know, Liara did not act this way at all, she was rather flattered, actually," Shepard taunted, but then a second later realized why that had been a bad, bad thing to say.
Julia latched onto that nugget of information like blood hound. "Well, well, what did I just hear?" she grinned evilly.
"No, bad dog. That's not what I meant. And it doesn't have anything to do with what I actually want to tell you," Shepard said frantically, trying desperately to distract her friend.
Julia looked like she had an internal debate going on about which subject she wanted to know more about, but finally relented. "Ok fine, but don't think for a fucking second I'm not filing this away to bring up later, you understand?"
Shepard sighed but nodded. "Fine. So, before you freaked out and started this whole mess right here," she jabbed, "what I was going to say was..." The seriousness of the decision came rushing back all at once and she closed her eyes. "I'm going to break up with Tucker."
Just a quiet "oh" was all she heard from Julia. Shepard opened her eyes and saw that Julia's face had grown as serious as hers. The little part of her brain that wasn't focused on this conversation acknowledged that this was just one reason among many of why she loved having Julia as a friend so much. She could be doing something totally ridiculous, but in a heartbeat get serious and focused.
"So... yeah. I realized talking to Liara that I didn't like like Tuck anymore. I know I had, at some point, but just... Since I've been here I don't even really miss him beyond how I miss you, ya know?" Shepard shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. Whatever we had that made me see him in a romantic light is totally gone, and I've just felt guilt for the last few weeks for stringing him along." Shepard stopped talking and waited for Julia's response.
"Well... I guess there's really not much you can do, huh? I mean, I know you; you don't do something unless you think it's the right choice. I'm also betting you've spent a long time thinking about this and going over your feelings for him. If you say you don't like him anymore then I believe you. You know your own heart better than anyone, Shep, so do what you think is right."
"You... You're not mad or pissed at me that I'm going to break his heart?" Shepard asked hesitantly.
"No, man. I mean, yeah, it's gonna suck hardcore for him, but you know he only wants you to be happy, and I only want you to be happy, so don't continue to do something or be in a relationship that doesn't make you happy."
Shepard was almost tearing up because that declaration just made her miss her best friend so much. "Damn, I wish I could hug you right now," she said with a sad smile.
"I know, S," Julia said quietly. "I'm proud of you, though. I know you've been through a lot of shit and it would be easy for you to just cling to what was familiar even if it wasn't what you wanted. It's brave that you're making this decision. It'll be hard, just be ready for that, but from the way you've declared this so confidently, I know in the long run you'll be happier."
Shepard just stared at her for a little while but then broke into a saucy grin. "Wow, Jules, I don't think I've ever heard you sound more like your mother than just now."
"Bitch!" Julia gasped. "Take that shit back. Hell no will I be compared to my mother," she growled.
"Shh, calm down little tiger, you know I'm just yanking your chain," Shepard teased.
"Worst fucking joke ever," Julia grumbled, a pout on her face like a 2-year old.
"You make it too easy, Jules," Shepard laughed. "But in all seriousness, that does mean a lot coming from you. I wasn't sure what to expect when I decided I was going to tell you, but I'm glad you understand."
"It's your life, S. You have all the right in the world to be happy. And if that's not with Tuck, well, then... you do what you gotta do," Julia shrugged.
"Thanks, you're the best." Shepard sighed and looked to see what time it was. They'd been talking for over an hour and she knew that it'd be now or never. Julia had built up her courage and there wasn't a better time than now to go through with it. "Well... I guess I should..."
Julia nodded. "You got this, babe. I'm glad you called me first. And don't worry, I'll help him. I know it's sorta weird that I know you're about to break up with him and I'm getting ready for it, but that's how we are. So I'll watch out for him and make sure he doesn't take it too hard."
Shepard sighed in relief. "Thanks, Julia. Love you."
"You too, Shep," Julia smiled and winked, "but only like a sister."
Shepard just rolled her eyes. "Idiot."
"Bye!" Julia said, and then terminated the call.
Shepard leaned back in her chair and rubbed her eyes tiredly. She hadn't even called Tucker yet and she was already tired. After sitting motionless for a few more minutes, basking in the quiet and trying to clear her mind, she stretched her neck out and then reached back towards her terminal. You got this, she mentally said, and scrolled through the contact list until her finger hovered above Tucker's name. She took one more calming breath and then descended the last inch with her finger to choose his name.
She had a déjà-vu moment hoping that he might not answer, but just like with Julia, the connection went through and Tucker's face appeared.
"Hey, S!"
A/N - Don't hurt me, haha. I honestly intended to split the chapter evenly between her call with Julia and her call with Tucker, but then I just started writing with Julia and I missed her so much! So she got her own chapter and I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. I didn't want to rush the Tucker part so that'll be its own chapter.
I won't lie, posting could be sporadic for the next few weeks. I have finals quite soon and then I have to go back home and settle in for the summer and start my summer internship right away. Not that I will purposefully neglect the story, I just want you all to be informed.
One last thanks for all the amazing feedback from last chapter and for the reviews and pm's since then :) You guys are freaking awesome.
