Author's Notes: It's my 16th birthday today (August 26th) so I thought I'd update :) lol
So anyone else noticed that Sam and Jack are barely even given the time of day in this fiction? Lol! Let's give 'em a bit of that time…
This chapter and the next (should I just give up planning?) were meant to be just the one, but that just would prove to be too easy wouldn't it?
Chapter 51: Betrayal
Sam turned her head to look at the figure lying next to her; the dark grey of the t-shirt fabric was taut across his shoulder, his hair silver and spiked into a disarray that was almost endearing.
Was this normal? Daniel was gone. At least for now… she hated the fact that a part of her wished it for real this time.
It was a Godsend every time Daniel came back, it really was, the heartbreak dissipated, the laughter and the joy and tears were worthwhile and the SGC became a throng of activity again rather than just another day on the job. He really was the heart and soul of… not so much the complex, but it's mission.
But how many times is one to many? How many times before that really is the end? And how many more times would they be expected to have to deal with the emotions with the 'he's almost-not-quite-could-be-any-minute dead' days? It wasn't that she wanted something to kill him it was that she wished he would stop doing so many damn reckless things.
The San Graal was important yes, they needed it, but Daniel… not that anyone else was all gung ho for throwing themselves at unknown devices. He always did it, no matter the stakes or the offer, it was always Daniel. Were near death experiences like a drug? 'Coz if they were she sure as hell was missing out on the fun.
It was as if he didn't care what anyone else thought, how he affected them, and not in a selfish way but more in a sense that it genuinely didn't occur to him that his worth was far higher than he thought.
In the early days Daniel really did seem to think that he wasn't quite as good as anyone else. He couldn't fire a gun, build a bomb, scare the locals or indeed, eat an MRE and make it seem like the most enjoyable thing he had ever consumed. He was just the guy who talked to much, ran ahead – so often O'Neill had mentioned once or twice a toddler harness in jest – and carried candy bars in his pocket to make up for the mac 'n' cheese that tasted like chicken.
But they had worked hard and for a while it seemed like he had finally come to accept that he was just as valuable, if not more so than the rest of them; they were just soldiers, plenty more where they came from but he was one of a kind.
Was it that he just got so caught up in the moment he paid no heed to anyone around him or that was more insecure than any of them realized? Or was it even that he was just a selfish bastard that liked making everyone around him suffer?
God this was confusing! She felt guilty about things she shouldn't and sick about all the others. She hated Daniel for doing what he did and yet loved him all the more for being so selfless – how can one action be both selfless and selfish? – She wanted closure but couldn't get it and everyone else was so caught up in their own issues that hers were miniscule in comparison; who was she to claim the 'limelight' when Vala was the one who had just lost her husband? But she hadn't really lost him… or maybe she had? For God's sake Daniel!
Jack shifted and muttered something in his sleep and she sighed heavily when he tugged some what irritably on the duvet until she surrendered and was left with just the corner as protection from the bitter cold of night.
And therein, she thought, lies the problem.
Jack.
When it had happened, when he had kissed it her it had been one of the best few seconds of her life, perfect. It was every time. Alien influence, fear, shock, delight, alcohol, and even – like they were twelve year old girls at a slumber party – truth or dare.
Jack was everything she had wanted and couldn't have, and despite how she knew she was genuinely attracted to him there was just something underlying that made it difficult… years of training won't have helped.
She'd worked with Jack nearly a decade, been his second in command for just as long and sure, bonds grew between people like that, same as they had for all four of them; platonic yet unconditional love.
All of them, brotherly, sisterly… all of it. They were a family in a bizarre little way that couldn't always be named… Jack and Teal'c were brothers in arms, she and Daniel were older-sister-younger-brother… the relationships intermingled and you didn't have labels just feelings that drove you to protect and to run, to cry and to laugh. That made you so sure that you could call them up in the middle of the night and know, no matter the time, that they were there whether it be to listen or to come rushing over in their pajamas. That when you had no where else to turn there was always a bed waiting and a cup of coffee just minutes from creation. Could it be that she just felt some sense of binding to Jack that meant she couldn't let go?
No, that couldn't be it because she'd never felt the desire to bed either Daniel or Teal'c or Mitchell for that matter either.
It was an ingrained thought pattern, something you were taught from the beginning. Office relationships were frowned upon at the best of times but in the military it was almost as much of a no-go as homosexual relationships were. And she didn't even want to go anywhere near that one.
She loved Jack. At least she thought she did… but if that was the case than why did she feel uncomfortable even looking at him?
Vala swayed from side to side, completely oblivious to her movements and more than slightly perturbed that, that action was accompanied by soft humming to a tune she didn't recognize.
Lexy waved her arms around above her head and laughed, a small smile lighting up the infant's entire face.
God, she thought, how could I have ever blamed her?
It wasn't Lexy's fault that Daniel had done what he had, no way, how it could it possibly be her fault? She wasn't even a year old.
Vala smiled wryly; she would never forget the look on Daniel's face as Carolyn handed them their tiny baby daughter. It hadn't been anything describable; just… she'd never seen anything like it before.
Without Lexy…
Would Daniel have ever listened to sense if it wasn't just her that he was throwing aside? Or was it simply that the combined thought of loosing both his wife and his unborn child in that car accident had spurred into more decisive action? Not that it seemed to make the slightest bit of difference now.
He'd had her. He'd had Lexy. He'd had everyone and he'd still turned his back on them. Still gone to use that stupid machine even when she had begged him to stop, even when she'd offered to use it herself.
The numb distance had ignited like fuel; sparking into fury. Daniel had left them. He'd had a choice. The San Graal or them and he'd chosen the San Graal.
Everyone made such a big deal over it but in reality wasn't it a little risky to place everything on one thing? Sure she'd gambled, won some, lost others but – however amoral it sounded and wasn't gambling amoral anyway? – she always had a back up plan for when things didn't go quite as the odds predicted. Besides, how much of a guarantee was there that the damn thing would work anyway?
Daniel was considered to be some sort of hero in the SGC, whispers in the corridor, and hushed conversations over his latest escapade 'did you hear what Doctor Jackson did this time?' 'You'll never guess what Jackson's done…' 'Would you believe it? That Doctor Jackson…' he wasn't a hero. He was a stupid, selfish man.
She hated him.
She really did.
No you don't.
She wanted to though.
Hate and love, love and hate… they were exactly the same thing. Two halves of a whole, both ends of the spectrum, everything and nothing at the same time, contradictory yet completely flattering one another. Without one you cannot feel the other and they are so closely related it's hard to believe that there are thousands of different feelings, emotions and sensations hovering in between the two.
She hated him just as much as she loved him and she loved him so much that she was actually capable of hating him enough for it to feel like fire.
Lies are like fire. Burning embers in the dark, they lick and brand and steal, taking everything within reach of the flame. If you stuck around long enough they burned you too.
Lexy shifted in her sleep, sighing and turning her head.
Little Lexy. The catalyst, her daughter, her saving grace. Innocence. Lexy was innocent. Vala envied that.
Innocence is a virtue lost far too soon. She hadn't been innocent since she was seven years old – thanks to her father – swindling and scamming her way out of sticky situations. Virginity lost by the time she was fifteen and wanted on several planets for various different crimes quite unbefitting of a mother before she'd hit twenty. But there was the brilliance; Lexy need never know that. An entirely clean slate.
In Lexy's eyes she could be a hero. A perfect mother, who knew everything worth knowing, after all, with Daniel gone, she didn't really have a choice. But for as long as she wanted, Lexy could be as innocent as her mother could keep her.
It sounded cruel in a way but in others it seemed perfectly acceptable.
She could keep her from ever knowing who Daniel was. That way she would never have to put up with the pitiful conversations and curious questions of 'mommy? Why don't I have a daddy?' a disembodied voice that had no substance at the same time as being strikingly real reverberated through her head. Lexy would never have to deal with heartache.
But the questions would still come wouldn't they? If not 'why' then 'where', and would she be able to justify lying to her daughter when such a time came when the child was not only capable of asking such questions but understanding the answer also? 'Sweetie, your daddy was a selfish bastard,'
No! God no! No. No way. That was just… Daniel didn't deserve that. Maybe he deserved an earful or for her to 'loose' the key to a pair of handcuffs after she 'accidentally' snapped him to the bed… or the car… depends where he was at the time. Or possible for the coffee to 'magically' become decaf. But not Lexy. She couldn't take Lexy from him.
But he'd already taken himself out of the picture and if she couldn't take Lexy away from him, what right did he have to take himself away from her? And who was to say he was ever coming back?
Life was about taking chances, playing the game. Like poker; when things got boring, you upped the ante. Sometimes though, you could take one to many, and you don't survive it and she'd be damned if she was just going to sit around and wait for the dreaded phone call 'Ma'am, I'm from the United States Air Force and I have some bad news regarding your husband…Doctor Daniel Jackson died in the line of duty…' . No.
Daniel had taken his chance, stood on the cliff edge and jumped without a care for what he left behind. What kind of man did that make him? What kind of wife was she if she'd just watched as he did it?
She'd brushed Jack off at breakfast, and then again as they walked into the commissary, ignoring him completely when she managed to get to the safe confines of her lab once every Tom, Dick and Harry had stopped trying to talk to her on the way there.
"Okay," Jack said, picking up a slide with some sort of deposit on it that he didn't want to even think about trying to identify "I'll bite," he put it down "what's up?"
"Nothing," she replied, far too quickly and she cringed because she could practically hear his eyebrows go up.
"Uh huh," he moved on, absently looking through a magnifying glass at a rather strange looking device that looked to be a cross between a small car engine and a play station.
Sam didn't say anything. Not because she didn't want too but more because she couldn't think of a way to explain it. Whatever 'it' was.
Insecurity wasn't normally something she had such a big problem with. She could be an extrovert if she wanted too but preferred to stay on the quiet side and as much as she liked Vala sometimes it was almost cringe worthy to watch her doing something that at the time, could seem quite unethical. And there was another thing to think about; Vala.
With Daniel gone Vala was on her own, she claimed to be dealing with it but she'd retreated, stayed quite and almost monosyllabic at times when someone spoke to her and the only person she really tried to relate to was Cameron, a given really, considering what Daniel had said to him.
Sam was happy… or at least she thought she was… a week ago maybe, possibly two. She had Jack. Everything she had yearned for years and was unable to have because of regulations but they'd never really stopped them before had they?
They'd snuck into the 'gate room to try and stop the happenings Daniel had foreseen in his impromptu visit to another universe. They'd disobeyed direct orders, found loopholes, bypasses and undermined nearly every single rule that they were supposed to be restricted by. Hammond had grown, rightfully, weary at times of their outlandish behavior but he would never do anything because there was always a way to say that it was 'for the good of the planet'.
What was so different about this rule? Okay so great sex was hardly a good defense for the planet… unless the likes of Apophis were into live porn shows and – good God that was disgusting! But they could have been secretive, hidden their relationship from those that would deem it wrong… possibly not having an unbidden adoration for closets had stopped her?
Regulations… could they have been a wall? A sort of barrier between what she had and what she wanted and she used it as a buffer zone of sorts?
She shouldn't be second guessing her relationship with Jack. Not when all Vala wanted was her husband back and it didn't seem that she was going to be getting that any time soon.
Jack waved his hand in front of her face "Sam?"
She blinked owlishly at him.
"You okay?" he straightened up.
She opened her mouth to say something but was cut off as the motor-engine-come-play station hit the floor with a resounding crash, its collision course aided by his elbow.
Her expression of horror was not at all lessened by his comical jump back as the device sparked; part of it caught fire, and began emitting a kind of blue-grey smoke. She just stood there, watching the device burn until the flames slowly fizzled out.
"Sam I-" Jack began.
"Go away Jack," she muttered, kneeling by the device and trying to find out if any of it was worth salvaging.
"Sam-"
"Go!" she snapped, then slightly calmer "please?"
He nodded and left without another word.
Teal'c nodded and his lips curved into a smile as he opened the door to see Vala standing there, her daughter gurgling in her arms "Vala Maldoran," he said calmly, eyebrow rising when she made a noise of protest, a small silence fell during which time it dawned on him "very well," he half-smirked "Vala Jackson,"
The noise she had made at the mentioning of what – on this planet – was called her maiden name was not something she had thought about, it just happened and she felt a swell of something in her chest – pride maybe? Possibly grief? – as he repeated her name correctly.
"How are you?" he asked.
Mundane really; that questions. Could mean anything. A silly Earth custom to ask the bereaved how they were, what they felt, because no matter what they said, they were always second guessed; as if they had suddenly become liars as well as mourners. If they said that they were fine then they were 'falling apart' and if they said they didn't know they were 'clearly suffering' and if they said that their entire world had collapsed at their feet they were 'attention seeking' so really. They couldn't possibly win no matter what they said.
"I'm…"
How was she? Not fine, definitely not. And if she said she was 'coping' one more time even she felt ready to hit something. She had no idea how she felt at least not in way that she could explain it.
Hollow but fill to bursting, desperate but exhausted, weary but fueled by an endless supply of adrenalin; when was the last time she had slept?
"Can you look after Lexy for a little while?" she ended the sentence with what she hoped was a convincing smile.
Teal'c frowned but graciously took the squirming infant "what are you going to do?" he asked gravely, his voice heavy with trepidation.
"To see someone," she was already walking back down the corridor, her back to the rather amusing scene behind her of the large jaffa cradling the fragile baby in his arms.
Now, she thought, how do I fly a puddle jumper?
Author's Notes: Alas! The end of chapter 51! Please review!
Next Chapter: Vala makes a trip.
