Authors Note: Just wanted to comment to say I hope this chapter isn't too far fetched. It's basically another one of those "what my dream man" would say in this type of situation.
Chapter 52: Insecurities
I had been in the house for about five minutes now.
I had gone into the kitchen and gotten a bottle of water, but knew I couldn't go back outside right away.
But now, I was just making things worse.
I was sitting on the couch in the living room, the bottle of water left unopened on the table, looking at picture after picture of Shannon on Google Images.
Almost all of them, even pictures she had taken of herself, were like looking at pictures of a model that all women hate, but secretly wished they could be them.
Clearly Shannon was all about showing off her body, and she probably hadn't hesitated to jump into bed with Zak.
And there I was, a 32-year-old, stupidly shy, virgin.
How can I even compete with her? I thought.
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against one hand.
Suddenly, I heard Zak's voice behind me.
"Ali? You okay? Cheryl said you-" he stopped.
He probably had just noticed what I was looking at on my phone.
A picture of Zak and Shannon – Zak looking happily into the camera, with Shannon kissing his cheek.
I opened my eyes and quickly swiped the browser on my phone closed.
"Ali…" Zak said softly.
I kept quiet as I saw Zak come into view, moving my water bottle further aside and then sat down on the coffee table, directly in front of me.
I let him take my phone from my hand, and saw him bring up the browser again, tapping back to see what exactly I had been doing.
He then closed out the tab and set my phone aside.
I looked at him when he leaned his head down to look up at me.
He was frowning.
"Why were you looking at pictures of her?" Zak asked.
I hesitated.
"We got on the subject of relationships…Diana was wondering about Aaron and Cheryl, and you and I…I said things between us were complicated. She said something about you still being nervous to be with anyone…and then her and Ashley started talking about Shannon…she brought up a picture on her phone to show Cheryl and I…" I said softly.
Zak sighed, rubbing his forehead with one hand.
"I don't suppose either of them mentioned what she did to me?" Zak asked, sounding slightly annoyed.
Not annoyed at me, but annoyed at the topic in general.
"Ashley said she'd get jealous…started using drugs, flirted with other guys, and cheated on you…" I said softly, feeling bad at bringing up most likely painful memories.
Zak nodded, his expression blank.
"Then why are you wasting time by looking at old pictures?" Zak asked softly.
I looked down at my hands and started fiddling with a bit of the fabric of my skirt.
"Because, I…she's obviously a completely different person compared to me…Ashley said she posed for Playboy…" I started, but stopped when I felt Zak take my hands in his.
I looked up at him.
"Ali…I was with her over ten years ago, things change," Zak said.
"So..., you don't like women who flaunt their bodies and are all about sexuality anymore?" I asked, looking doubtful.
"Well…I wouldn't go that far, I am male," Zak joked.
I didn't laugh.
Zak frowned.
"I'm sorry, bad joke. But seriously, I'm not who I was back then. And besides, she treated me like crap," Zak said.
"I know people change…but I don't understand how you could be attracted to someone like me, after dating someone like her…" I said.
Zak frowned.
"I'm attracted to you because you're not like her-" Zak started, but I cut him off, my self negativity taking over.
"She's beautiful…" I said.
"No, she's not. I thought so at the time, but looking back, she wore pounds of makeup and altered her body with surgery. She was fake," Zak said.
I sighed quietly, still unable to wrap my head around it.
"Listen to me," Zak said, reaching up with one hand and gently lifted my head so I was looking at him.
"I'll be honest. At the time, yes, I was attracted to that. But I'm not anymore. Every time we went out, guys would be staring at her because she'd wear the skimpiest outfits she could find. At the time I liked it, because it made me feel great that she was with me and not them," Zak started.
I tried not to let his confession get to me.
"But if I was with a woman like that now, I'd hate it. I don't want a girl I'm dating to be practically exposing herself everywhere we go," Zak said.
"So…what do you want…? Because most of the time, I'm dressed almost the same as you..." I said.
Zak squeezed my hands.
"I want you to be you," Zak said softly. "I'm not going to lie, I really like seeing you like this today," Zak added, lightly brushing the tops of his fingers along my exposed collar bone and shoulder.
I felt my face flush and a shiver run down my spine.
"But if you're uncomfortable then I'm not going to be happy, because you're not happy," Zak said.
I smiled a bit.
"I'm okay in something like this now and then…but I couldn't ever dress like she does…" I said softly.
"I don't want you to dress like her. I want you to dress like you, because it makes you comfortable and that's what makes you beautiful…" Zak said softly.
I smiled a bit more.
"I know Cheryl bought you this, and I know she's kind of pressuring you to strut around in whatever you're wearing underneath," Zak said.
I couldn't help but laugh quietly.
"I will not be strutting…in any shape or form," I said.
Zak laughed quietly and squeezed my hands.
"I know. And as much as I'd like to see some more of your skin…" Zak started.
My face flushed.
"I only want to see as long as you are comfortable showing me. It's not nearly as sexy to see a woman showing skin if she's not comfortable in it," Zak added.
I frowned a bit.
"I'll never be comfortable in my own skin…I've never felt attractive…" I said quietly.
Zak leaned down and gently kissed the top of one of my hands.
"Maybe that's because you've never heard a guy tell you that you are attractive," Zak said. "I can easily say I've found you attractive in jeans and a hoodie, and I've found you attractive in short shorts and a tank top…so you don't have to worry with me," Zak added, looking at me intently.
I felt my face flush again, but also felt relieved.
"Really…?" I asked.
"Really," Zak replied instantly.
I smiled.
"I'm sorry…I was just shocked when I saw her picture…I didn't know how I was going to be able to compete-" I started, but Zak cut me off.
"You don't have to compete with anything or anyone. You're beautiful inside and out, and you've surpassed anyone I've been with before," Zak said.
I smiled and felt my eyes watering as I leaned forward and hugged him tightly.
He was too perfect.
I felt Zak hug me back and gently kiss the top of my head.
"If I didn't want you in my life…you'd know it, because I don't let very many people in anymore," Zak said softly.
"I know…" I said, feeling bad hearing that from him, but it wasn't news to me.
I felt Zak gently rub my back.
"Try not to doubt yourself so much. I know it's hard, I've been there and still have my moments, but it makes me sad to see you being so judgemental of yourself," Zak said.
I felt more relief at his understanding.
"I'll try," I said, gently pulling back and wiping my eyes.
"Good," Zak said, smiling at me.
I smiled back.
"Now let's get naked!" Zak said, trying not to laugh.
I had to laugh as I smacked him in the arm.
"Why do I put up with you Bagans?" I teased.
"Because I'm loveable?" Zak replied, with an innocent expression on his face.
I laughed quietly but also smiled.
"Yes, you are…" I said softly.
Zak grinned at me.
