Disclaimer: me no own Sammy and Hazel and Leo and Esperanza and that's about it.


1960

Dear Anza,

If you go to my old apartment, look in the china cabinet. Clearly, I don't own any china- china is ridiculous, why the hell would I need china? But there is a china cabinet whose insides you will look in.

Instead of china you will find a bunch of things. One of them is a binder, it should be blue but maybe it's green. I don't know. In it are recipes of things that you can –and I am not playing with you- cook inside a cup placed inside a microwave. Recipes to make anything from quiche (if you're feeling classy) to chocolate chip cookies (if you're not). Also a bunch of fast-food menus are there if you're feeling both unclassy and cheap. See, I have become an expert at cooking without a stove over the years because that's how you cook when you're a bachelor living with another bachelor (who may also be your business partner and prior roommate) after your divorce.

I want you to have that scrapbook so that I know that your kid has some quality quiche at least one in his life. Also because I know that you don't like cooking and I don't think that anyone who hates it should be forced to work in a kitchen.

Now it's story time!

My life became better post-divorce, and worst at the same time.

Better because it was less psychologically tiring to figure out how to act, how to talk and who to be. Also my arms were a lot less bruised. It felt good not to have to worry about pleasing somebody. Except for Rodrigue because I moved back in with him- but you know what, I'd lived with the philosophy of 'Rodrigue can go screw himself' for long enough by that point; it didn't matter.

Worst, because after a lengthy incident in which I nearly got beat to shit by my ex-father-in-law without anyone knowing; Rodrigue, Steve and Beca knocked some sense into me. For my own safety since the in-laws were being crazy behind Carmen's back and telling her would only make more things go boom, I backed out of arguing for a decent custody agreement. Carmen got full custody of Gabriel, Felipe and Mia.

I wasn't scared for them or anything, I knew that she loved those kids with all her heart. Your grandmother is not a cruel person (as long as you are not Sammy Valdez). But I missed them a lot. I got to see them on the weekends (not that they ever stayed with me overnight or anything, it was usually a day trip kind of thing), and I walked them to and from school on some days (most of those days ended up with going to get ice cream). But I still missed them a lot.

Ultimately it was for the best. But I'm here to tell you two things Anza.

1) Don't get divorced. The paper work will make you want to throw up, it's a lot of trouble, it feels horrible, and it's the goddamned most horrible feeling on earth to have to explain to your five year old kid that Mommy and Daddy aren't going to live together anymore but that you still love them, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Just make sure that you get it right the first time, kay? But if you don't, feel free to barf on as much paperwork as you need.

2) Things will suck. But sometimes they have to suck before they get better. Think about rainbows and stuff. Everything's pretty miserable before a rainbow- what with thunderstorms and all. But at least after the storm it's humid, sticky, disgusting but there's a rainbow in the sky. (So the metaphor sucks, but please don't forget the message).

3) Never back down from what's right. If one day you have a chance to fight against the people who have done you wrong, do it. Do it. Do it, do it, do it. That will probably be my biggest regret. As previously mentioned, Carmen's dad used corporal punishment on her when she was a kid. He beat his wife. He'd served time in prison and served some more time before getting sick and dying in jail. He wasn't a nice guy overall But when he figured out that I wanted at least some form of custody of my kids, dear God... That back tooth that's missing? Yeah. Those pictures of me with a black eye that Rodrigue used to say were because of illegal boxing rings or whatever other lie he pulled out of his ass? Yeah. See Anza, I'm not even putting this in a letter because of how ugly things got. I had a lot of trouble dealing with those fights because of what I'd seen in Europe during the war. Steve said that he spent as much time awake to get me to stop screaming than he did for his two kids put together.

So I'm glad that Rodrigue and co got me to back down because the man would probably have ended up throwing my body in a ditch. But I missed a lot of my kids' milestones. I saw school plays, Mia's dance recitals, kindergarten graduations and soccer games, sure. But did I ever get to watch them learn to read? No. Did I get to teach them Spanish? No. (On the upside, Carmen did it). Did I get to force vegetables down their throats? Replace fallen teeth with pennies? Watch them unwrap Christmas presents? Nope.

So long story short, if you think that you should fight for a cause... Assume that you should and go for it.

Sammy