So... yeah. Here is the next chapter

My apologies to those Asuma lovers. I love him too.

But, it had to be done.

Please attempt to enjoy. I do not own Naruto.


Shikamaru released Hidan's headless body and all of the Konoha Shinobi visibly relaxed.

Idiots. They know nothing.

"You claim to care for them Alice, but why didn't you tell this one he would die?" Asuma asked, looking at me.

I just smiled. "I have my reasons."

"If you needed my help, you should have asked me earlier." Kakuzu stated, looking at Hidan's head.

"Fuck you and your slow ass!" Hidan's head shouted. "You both let that happen!"

I grinned at Asuma. "And my reasons are: you didn't kill him. Hidan is immortal, idiot. You can't kill him simply by removing his head. And Hidan that sounded like a sexual invitation to me. Should I bring out the whips and chains?"

"Shut up bitch!" He roared.

Kakuzu shook his head. "Alice, your perverted mind rivals Hidan's."

"This is true, but I at least have a sense of decency where Hidan does not." I countered. "I am perverse to make people uncomfortable and to tease. He does it just because he can't help himself. It's almost on impulse for him. I have a filter."

"For the most part, you are correct. But the fact that you make allusions to a sexual relationship between me and that lazy moron shows that you are not decent at all. And, are in fact, a very fucked up little girl." Kakuzu patted my head. "I am surprised you were allowed to walk around on your own at any point in your life."

I laughed. "Kakuzu, where have you been for like the past year? You should have realized how fucked up I was the moment I found you guys."

He paused. "Good point."

"Oi!" Hidan shouted. "Stop fucking chatting and come over here and help me you sick bastards! You let them fucking cut my damn head off! Neither of you are fucking decent! And don't fucking talk about me like I'm not there."

I smacked my forehead. "Idiot."

"Fuck you bitch!"

"I believe before all this started you said, 'Just shut the fuck up and watch, Kakuzu!'." Kakuzu stated. "Now, as a god damn head, do you still think you can yell at me?"

Hidan managed to look guilty. "Uh… okay, yes. I did tell you not to get involved. But it's not like I was trying to embarrass your or make you look bad. Besides, someone needed to guard the bitch. You know the Uchiha would have our heads if anything happened to her."

"That's beside the point." I sighed. "Itachi's going to kick your ass anyways."

"Whatever, man. Come on and get my body!" Hidan continued. He pouted when Kakuzu just stared at him. "Kakuzu, would you mind bringing my body over here?" He said in an uncharacteristically sweet voice. "Kuzu-chan, pretty please? With sugar on top?"

I smiled at Hidan. "Awe, Kakuzu go and help him."

Kakuzu sighed and grunted, disappearing in a flash and appearing beside Hidan's head. He bent down calmly and picked Hidan up by his hair.

"Oi! Wait! Cut it out!" Hidan shouted. "Kakuzu, my body! Bring my body here damn it!

"Your head is lighter." Kakuzu pointed out.

I smirked. "That's because there's nothing in it."

Kakuzu chuckled. "Very nice Alice."

"It's a gift. What can I say?" I shrugged.

"That's not the issue!" Hidan yelled.

I sighed. "And he doesn't even bother to defend himself…"

"He's an idiot. What do you expect?" Kakuzu questioned.

"Are you ignoring me?" He demanded.

Asuma and Kakuzu had a staring contest before Hidan ruined it by shouting his head off.

Well… his head was already off.

You get the point.

"Ouch! You're ripping my hair out Kakuzu you asshole!" Hidan protested.

"If you're going to whine about pain, at least complain about your neck." Kakuzu sighed.

"You stupid dick! My neck isn't even in the same league!" The zealot whined. "This isn't some tiny little boo-boo asshole!"

I sighed and introduced my palm to my forehead yet again. "Where does he get all that air?" And yet, even without the proper necessities to breath and talk, he still continues to scream.

Hidan defies any and all types of logic.

Maybe that's why I love him so much?

Nah. It definitely has to be the sexy body and the silver hair.

Just kidding!

"This fucking hurts like hell!" The Jashinist complained. "You cut my damned head off! This is like super-mega-ultra pain!"

"Now there's only one left." Shikamaru stated after Izumo and Kotetsu finished failing at describing Hidan's head. I sort of tuned them out so I didn't really catch all that they said. I already knew it all anyways. These bastards are extremely predictable and the show was etched into my brain.

Kakuzu scoffed after a minute. "Get real."

He moved with lighting speed to Asuma's side, kicking him in his injured leg. He then cracked the shit out of his head with the case full of money. When Asuma was down for a moment, trying to get up, Kakuzu appeared above him and drove his knee straight into Asuma's spine. Kakuzu moved flawlessly. He never wasted a move or moved too much. He did what he needed to do and hit with perfect accuracy every time.

"Ouch." I winced. I could feel it myself. And thinking about someone doing that to me on top of my back problems made me shiver at the possible pain.

Asuma coughed up blood. Kakuzu just blinked and walked calmly back to Hidan's body. He glanced at me as he knelt beside it. "Alice, stay back. I'll be over in a minute."

"Gotcha." I nodded.

"If someone goes after you, I'll snap their neck." He added to those enemies who could move. Yeah, I don't think they would even dare come after me. Kakuzu's fucking intimidating. He's top three with Pein and Madara, followed closely by Itachi and Kisame.

Sasori and Deidara are shorter than me. I can't be intimidated by them very much. Zetsu is just scary, not intimidating. And if anyone finds Tobi intimidating, they need to be checked. Hidan's too much of an idiot and I can outwit him without trying. And Konan is too sweet.

So yeah. Pein, Madara, and Kakuzu. I don't see anyone trying to defy that stitched miser.

Kakuzu stuck Hidan's head on his body, adjusting it on his neck to make sure it was positioned correctly. "Now that I've helped you, I'm gonna have to stay involved." He held Hidan's head still as a thread escaped from his wrist and began sewing the wound.

"Yeah, whatever." Hidan sighed. He winced as Kakuzu stitched his head back on. "Ouch!"

"Sit still you big baby." Kakuzu grunted. He stood when he was finished. "There."

Hidan got to his feet, cracking his neck as he did so. "All back together again!"

"What the stitches. They'll break if you move too much." Kakuzu warned.

I smiled. "Listen to him this time."

"You know what Kakuzu? Eat a dick." He barked. "And you, you crazy bitch, go jump off a cliff."

"You first." I stated. "That was a shitty response too. I'm disappointed."

He glared at me so I beamed at him.

"What the hell are we fighting?" Izumo asked in disbelief.

"You're fighting my family." I said proudly, looking around at him. "The Akatsuki."

Kakuzu turned around to face Shikamaru, Kotetsu, and Izumo. He glanced at Hidan. "Your stupid ritual is bad enough, but I'm sick of you dragging out fights with your blabbering." His eyes narrowed when Hidan turned to glare at him. "You take care of the bounty."

Hidan looked at Asuma. "Right, I'm gonna get him back for what he did." He smirked. "I can't go breaking the commandments now can I? Right you crazy bitch?"

"Right Hidan." I sighed, shaking my head at his antics. "Make Jashin-sama proud."

He grinned like the maniac he was.

"That again?" Kakuzu sighed. "Whatever. I'll take the other three."

Izumo and Kotetsu moved in sync, summoning the weapon that looked a lot like the Pokémon Cloyster. Kakuzu grunted and charged them. Izumo spit out a bunch of goo as they ran towards him.

Kakuzu dodged the goo and shot his threads out at the weapon, only for them to be dodged. The weapon collided into the ground as Kakuzu sidestepped it. I noticed Hidan throw him a concerned glance when a cloud of dust engulfed him.

Awe! They do care about each other!

And they deny my allusions to them being lovers… Silly men.

Kakuzu chuckled when the dust cleared. "I assume this was a combo where you force the enemy to focus on the flashy aerial attack, creating an opening. Then you attack from the ground with this strange liquid." He smirked under his mask when Izumo clicked his tongue in frustration. "So simplistic. Too much wasted movement." He brought his hands up, preparing to attack.

"Now!" Kotetsu barked. He caught his Cloyster weapon when it shot out of the ground. Kakuzu didn't notice the goo creeping up behind him though and got stuck in it.

He crossed his arms and his hands shot forward with his threads to wrap around Kotetsu and his weapon. Kakuzu's hand tightened around Kotetsu's neck and the threads pinned the weapon and him together.

Izumo dodged Kakuzu's hand but was quickly caught by his threads despite his attempts to escape. Kakuzu was just too good.

He was drool worthy.

My love of tall guys with lots of muscle is breaking through.

Though, my love of Sharingan wins.

That doesn't stop Kakuzu from being utterly badass and sexy though.

Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.

"Wasting my time with your flailing…" Kakuzu sighed.

"Man, looks like Kakuzu's already done." Hidan stated. "I'd better get moving too. Otherwise he'll bitch at me about my ritual taking forever." He walked forward with his pike and stopped just before Asuma, raising it above his head in preparation to stab him. "Bye."

Asuma jumped into action, breaking his cover as seemingly unconscious. He went to stab Hidan who dodged and brought his scythe around.

"Asuma! Behind you!" Shikamaru shouted.

Asuma skillfully ducked and the scythe went straight into Hidan's torso.

Everyone visibly relaxed and Asuma even grinned at Hidan. "You won't get me with the same trick." Then his eyes widened.

This is why it is better to look before you leap.

Hidan started laughing. "It wasn't the same trick you idiot!" He was now confidently standing in the middle of the Jashinist symbol painted on the ground in his blood.

I sighed and shook my head. "Here it goes." I looked over at Shikamaru who was trying to get to his feet. "Don't waste your energy Shikamaru. There isn't anything you can do. I'm sorry, but I warned you that you would regret staying here."

He shook his head, ignoring me. "Shit!" He started running towards Asuma as said smoker started coughing up blood. He tripped a few moments later.

"So? Does it hurt?" Hidan snickered. He grabbed the scythe and wiggled it around a bit. "Does it fucking hurt?" Asuma gasped in pain and began breathing heavily. Hidan just cackled. He reached inside his cloak and pulled out another spear. "Finally. I'll finally be able to experience the pain." He extended the spear. "The pain that comes with killing you!"

"It's over." Kakuzu growled.

Hidan raised the pike over his head and swung.

"No!" Shikamaru shouted.

And Hidan drove the spear straight through his chest.

Asuma just stared in disbelief before he coughed up blood. He then tipped forward, slowly falling towards the dirt he kneeled on. His face hit the ground with a quiet thud.

"ASUMA!" Shikamaru shouted.

I shook my head. "I warned them."

Hidan's skin faded back to its usual pale and he ripped his scythe from his stomach. "I'm finished."

"I'll just be another minute." Kakuzu grunted.

Hidan nodded and looked at me. "Get the fuck over here, Alice."

I dipped my head and walked over to him. He patted my head with his unburned hand and grinned hugely at me. I just smiled in response and shook my head at him. "Big dork."

I can't stay mad at him. Even if he did kill my second favorite Jōnin.

"You son of a bitch!" Shikamaru shouted, running towards Hidan. Kakuzu twitched and launched Izumo into him, sending them back. Kotetsu dropped his weapon and it disappeared in a poof as black feathers started falling from the sky.

It reminded me of Itachi's crows.

Which made me sad…

I want my weasel.

"The hell?" Hidan demanded, wrapping his arm protectively around my waist. He hid my face against the cloaked half of his chest to protect me from the crows that were swarming around us. He started brandishing his scythe around to kill them. "You think you can take us out with some gay little crows? Fuck that shit!"

"Trying to hinder out view?" Kakuzu questioned. "Hidan, protect Alice."

"I'm trying, fucker!" Hidan shouted.

"It's Konoha Shinobi." I muttered to Hidan. "Kakuzu, watch out for the sword guy."

Kakuzu nodded and dodged the guy who charged him with a black sword. "Nice call Alice." He praised, bouncing back. Hidan tightened his grip on me and followed his example.

"Reinforcements, huh?" He growled. "Who are these fuckers Alice?"

"Don't worry about it." I stated. "It doesn't matter anyways." I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. "We'll be leaving in a moment."

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes and disappeared, jumping on top of the building where Choji, Ino, and Shikamaru were with Asuma. Hidan pushed me behind him, getting ready to take the defensive. Kakuzu engaged Aoba in a fight.

"You can struggle all you like, but in the end you'll all be sacrificed to Jashin-sama!" Hidan barked. He paused when Pein called them as I knew he would. "Can't it wait a little longer? Seriously, we're right at the best part." Pein obviously told him no. "All I'm asking for is like another minute!"

I sighed and picked up what remained of Hidan's necklace. "It can't be helped Hidan, when our fearless leader summons us he summons us."

"Knock it off, Hidan." Kakuzu growled as he returned to our side. "We'll be right back, so make sure you're ready." He picked me up seeing as Hidan was covered in blood after grabbing Hidan's forehead protector. He had his case of money in his hand. That made me smile, just a little bit.

"That shithead leader… Next time I'm cursing him!" Hidan complained.

"Hey, don't talk about Pein like that." I frowned and punched him in the chest, not caring that I got some of his blood on my fist.

Hidan flicked my forehead and looked back up at Asuma's team as they panicked to get their dying sensei back to Konoha. "Hey! We told you to stay here until we got back! He's about to die anyways! Ask the bitch, she knew he was gonna go before we even came here."

I sighed. "It's true guys. There isn't anything you can do. I'm sorry."

Kakuzu adjusted me in his grip when they all looked at me in disbelief and frustration. Hidan just grinned. "Later bitches!" He called. And with that, we disappeared in a poof.


:( I'm sorry Asuma! You were one of my favies in Konoha! But, I love Hidan more.

So, a sad chapter. But, it will pass in time.

Fun Fact: More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines. Is it weird that I find that awesome?

Answer: Favorite chapter so far... hmm... Idk. Probably one of the chapters where Alice and Sasori have sarcastic battles. First chapter that comes to mind is the black out in CYK.

QotC: If you could die by the hand of any Akatsuki member, who would you want to kill you? Yes. I think about this kind of stuff. Do not judge me.

DeeaE wins a oneshot or something else of her choosing because she drew me a pretty picture of Alice. :) So dear, tell me what you would like. And for the rest of you who I owe stuff to... I'm working on them:)

jpbrat10: I am very sorry and I wish I didn't have to kill him. But, it seriously needs to be done.

So, I kind of want to kill my mother. She's been bitching about shit for the past three days and she directs her frustration on me because I'm the hated child. It happens. But, she doesn't realize how much effort it takes to not drive the nearest pointy object straight into her forehead. Violent? Yes. Insane? Quite possibly. Would I regret it? No. Am I being dead serious right now? As serious as a heart attack and brain cancer.

:) Do not judge me~

So, I bid the adieu.