A Lifetime Ago

Angel flinched as she stood to the side, watching as the Ganger Doctor crouched down, gripping his head in pain, screaming as his various lives played across his mind.

"Hello," he straightened, his voice taking on his last incarnation's intonation, "I'm the Doctor," he winced, pulling away, sounding like himself when he spoke next, "No, let it go, we've moved on!"

Angel closed her eyes a moment, her hearts breaking to hear him speaking like the man who had been her Mate. She opened her eyes to watch him sadly, wishing there was something she could do to ease his obvious pain, but there was nothing. Even if she could somehow try to comfort him she knew she couldn't. This Doctor didn't seem to favor her comforting him. She looked down, feeling helpless to do anything…

When the Doctor said something that caused her to freeze and her hearts to stop, "I need this, I need this to be my last memory," Angel looked at him, horrified, seeing his face scrunched, his eyes closed, nodding his head as though reciting something, "Me and you, dancing in the snow, me singing to you, with you in my arms. Us together."

Angel started shaking her head, her eyes wide, her mouth dropping open in shock.

The Doctor looked over at his Ganger, frowning, he didn't recognize those words. He recognized everything else but not those particular words. When he said anything like that?

But before he could ask, his Ganger just let out of breath, his hands pressed against his temples as he shook his head, "What have I done?" he whispered, "What did I do?" he looked up but, instead of turning to the Doctor like they all expected, his eyes locked on Angel's, "Angel…" he breathed.

Angel just shook her head, stepping back, turning away from him, unable to believe what was happening before her. This couldn't be happening, not now, not when the Doctor was standing right there.

"Angel," she heard the Ganger shout as he leapt to his feet, rushing over to her, turning her around and taking her face in his hands, looking at her, "Angel I'm so sorry," he whispered, tears in his eyes.

Angel could only stare at him, not sure what to feel. What did one do when the person who was not your Mate remembered you but your true Mate didn't? What was she to think, with the Ganger looking so much like him, and sounding like him, and…and feeling like him…she winced. She couldn't hear him in her mind, which was just another way to tell…this wasn't HER Doctor.

"What's going on?" the Doctor asked, looking between them, confused.

But his Ganger just ignored him, staring at Angel intently, his entire focus never leaving her. It was like it couldn't leave her. Amy eyed him closely, she'd seen that same look in Rory's eyes and expressions before. It was the look of someone who was in love and whose love had been harmed deeply…which made her gasp, staring at the Ganger in shock, "Oh my God," she breathed, "You remember her don't you?!" she pointed at the Ganger accusingly.

The Doctor looked at her, "Amy what are you talking about?"

Yet his Ganger nodded, "Yes Amelia, yes I do."

The Doctor frowned as he turned back to him, "I don't understand. What is going on here? Someone explain!"

"No," Angel shook head, backing up, away from the Ganger, "No, this…this isn't happening," her voice cracked, sounding like she was about to cry.

The Doctor made his way over to her but his Ganger got in his way, "You stay away from her!" his Ganger shoved him back.

"No…YOU stay away from her," he shoved the man right back.

"No, YOU!" his Ganger ordered.

"You're upsetting her!"

"Me?! You're upsetting her!"

"Oh the both of you are upsetting her you morons," Amy cut in, pushing past them and to Angel's side, gathering the girl in her arms, holding her as she cried, "So the two of you, shut up!"

The two Doctors looked at each other, "I don't…I…" the Doctor stuttered, not understanding what was going on but his Ganger just glared at him.

"This is all your fault," the Ganger sneered at him before walking past them to Angel, "Amy please…" but Amy shook her head, "Please, she's my Mate," he whispered, his voice breaking.

The Doctor's mouth dropped open as he stared at his Ganger, "What do you mean she's your Mate?"

He could tell, he could just tell, that the man was not speaking in a platonic sense of the term but that he was speaking of a Mate for life. But why would he call Angel his Mate? Angel couldn't be his Mate. He would've remembered something like that happening. But…as much as he tried to deny it…he couldn't make himself say no or say that the Ganger was wrong. He couldn't deny the title of Angel as his Mate and he didn't understand how that could be possible. Others had called Angel his Mate so many times in the past, but he'd denied it every time.

Yet now, looking at his Ganger, looking at him cradling Angel in his arms, having taken her from Amy, whispering to her…he felt himself grow angry that the man was touching her so when it should be him who was touching her and holding her so close…even though the man technically was him.

"I don't understand what is going on," he repeated.

"Yeah I bet you don't," his Ganger muttered, "So you just keep away from her," he pointed at him, moving Angel to stand behind him.

"Why do you keep telling me to do that?" the Doctor demanded, "I would never do anything to hurt Angel."

His Ganger scoffed, "You've already hurt her! We've already hurt her enough and I won't let you hurt her more!"

"Doctor," Angel cut in, "Please just…stop," she pressed her hands to her ears.

She didn't want to hear this anymore. This was one of the reasons she hadn't told him she was his Mate flat out. She didn't want this to happen, she didn't want to hear any version of him denying it again. to the hill angel hit

"Angel…" the Ganger turned her.

"No," she held up a finger at him, "You stay away from me too," she warned him, shaking, "You…you both just…just leave me alone," she moved to the other side of the room, trying to put as much distance between the two Doctors as she could.

The Ganger looked like he wanted to go after her, but Amy put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him, "Listen to her," she whispered, "You've admitted it yourself," she pointed out, "You've both hurt her. You can't expect her to just forgive you out of nowhere just because you suddenly remember."

"Remember what?!" the Doctor shouted, getting frustrated with all of this. Why weren't they giving him a straight answer?

Amy glanced at him over her shoulder, "Like he said Doctor…Angel's your Mate," and that was all she said before walking across the room to Angel, hugging the girl she cried, shaking her head, unable to deal with all of this, with having two Doctors in the room, one denying she was who she was and the other refusing to let her go.

It was her dream for him to remember her, but not like this. She wanted the Doctor to remember, not his Ganger. Because she knew, she could see it in her mind, what would happen to the Ganger, that he would be melted eventually. He would die saving them and she couldn't bear for that to happen, to lose another Doctor and be left with the one who didn't know who she was. She knew that now her Doctor would be suspicious, he would want to know everything that happened and if he still didn't remember…it would break her hearts. Because the baby would be coming in little over a month and she couldn't bear to deal with that.

"I hope you're happy," the Ganger sneered at the Doctor out of the corner of his mouth.

"Happy with what?" he sighed, confused.

His Ganger turned to face him, "Nothing."

"No," he poked the man in the chest, "I want to know what it is that I seem to have forgotten about all of this. How is Angel my Mate? What is it that you remember that I don't?"

"Everything," the Ganger cut in, "I remember everything. I remember everything that we have ever done with Angel and now I know everything we have done to her, that you have done to her," because he refused to believe he was the same person as this Doctor, he would never ever ever hurt Angel the way this man had.

In his mind, the man before him was NOT the Doctor.

"Why don't I remember then?" the Doctor asked.

"Search me," his Ganger spat, crossing his arms, staring across the room at Angel as Amy rubbed the girl's arms, seeming to have managed to calm her enough for the moment.

"Oi!" Jimmy called from where he and the other humans…how quickly the Time Lords had forgotten they were there, "Whichever one of you's the Real Doctor…we could use some help here!"

"Right," the Ganger stepped up, needing a distraction, needing something to keep him from fretting (even though he always did) about Angel, to keep his hearts from breaking (as they were now) at how she didn't want him near her, "We have to get you off this island."

"And the Gangers too," the Doctor added.

"Sorry, would you like a memo from the last meeting?" Cleaves called as they tried to hold the door shut despite the acid leaking through, "They're trying to kill us!"

"They're scared," Angel murmured as she and Amy walked over, the ginger with her arm around Angel's shoulders, "I…I can feel it."

"And fear breeds savagery," the Ganger murmured, "Right, we need to get out of here now," he walked over to Angel, Amy stepping back with her when he reached out to touch her, only to let his hand drop, "It'll be alright Angel," he whispered, promising her, "I won't let anyone, Ganger, human, or Time Lord," he threw that last one over his shoulder at his real self, "Hurt you, ever."

The Doctor frowned as he watched his Ganger look at Angel, utterly confused by why he agreed completely with the man's statement, yet…didn't know why it impacted him so deeply. Yes, he never wanted Angel to be harmed, but…to swear to something like that so vehemently…it was startling how powerfully he agreed with it, "The Flesh bowl is fed by cabling from above."

"So we need to find the Earthing conduits," the Ganger nodded, the two of them pulling out their sonics and looking around, till they found a vent in the back, "There!" the Ganger shouted, rushing to it, not bothering to let his real self get a word in, knowing he'd do something ridiculous like yell 'yowzah' or something and waste time, and he would NOT do that when Angel's life was on the line.

"Come on," the Ganger muttered as he pulled the panel off, "Ha ha! Yes," he grinned, turning, holding out a hand to Angel, "Angel you first," he gestured her in.

The Doctor frowned as he watched her go, his own hearts breaking for a moment when she refused to take the Ganger's outstretched hand, crawling in herself, Amy pushing her way to follow to make sure neither he nor the Ganger could follow right after.

~8~

The Doctor was in a rather foul mood as he sat in the evac. tower, before the controls, though he could barely keep his focus on it instead of the Ganger as he stood in the back of the room, quietly speaking with Angel. Everything had just gone from bad to worse in the span of mere minutes. They'd made it out of the chapel, into a hall…when some thick, choky gas had filled the halls. The Ganger had barely let them get a breath of it before he was off, pulling Angel by the hand down the halls, leading them out. He scarcely gave a single concern to the others that were there, reacting solely when Angel had let out a single cough. It was like a switch had flipped and in that instant there was no one else there but Angel, not even Amy, not even HIM, the REAL Doctor.

He had to admit he was both relieved and upset about that. Relieved because Angel was alright, the smoke hadn't damaged her and the others were fine now as well due to the Ganger's quick thinking…but he was upset because, in a way, HE had wanted to be the one to rescue them all, to be the one that Angel would look proudly at (not that she had looked proudly at his Ganger, having yanked her hand away from his the moment they entered the tower and stumbled to the back of the room. HE hadn't gotten to be the one to hold her hand and his Ganger hand. And the man had reacted so quickly, instantly almost. It was weird, it was like he as faster because Angel was there.

And from there it had just continued to get worse between him and his Ganger, he had tried to get the man to agree to switch shoes and places as they'd fixed the communications control…but the Ganger refused, it seemed he really did hate him for forgetting Angel was his Mate, but…he couldn't understand it. It didn't feel like he'd really forgotten anything, there was just…no memory at all, not even a snippet, how was he to know he'd even forgotten…though he HAD said to Angel, his very first words actually…that he'd forgotten something. The Ganger refused to switch, muttering something about how he wasn't going to trick Angel like that.

He'd remarked that Angel was psychic, she'd guess who was who and the man had just glared at him, half spitting as he said that he was not going to trick the others, he was NOT going to pretend like HE didn't remember her when it was so important that he did. And just like that, his plans to try and trick the others into thinking they were the opposite of what they were, to show them there was no difference between Ganger or Human, evaporated. He didn't know how else he could prove it now without that part of the plan.

The Ganger had even refused to help find Rory and Jennifer, having insisted that he stay there and refused to leave Angel's side. He'd had to send Amy and Buzzer after them, which he was not pleased about as he was hoping that one of them would have encountered the other Gangers and gotten them to cooperate and help them, despite their last incident. Now he had no idea what was going on, he had no control over anything, and his Ganger was completely disregarding him.

And worse yet! The Ganger was in the back, talking with Angel, he was reaching out and touching her arms and lifting her chin with a finger and looking at her softly and…Angel was smiling, she was starting to smile. It felt like it took him ages to do something (to work out some way) to make Angel smile, and this man did it within moments! It wasn't fair. Though, apparently he had some sort of experience and knowledge that HE didn't in how his memories were missing. It was frustrating beyond belief to sit there and watch someone that was HIM getting closer and closer to Angel, cheering her up and making her smile when it should be HIS job!

He frowned at that, where had THAT come from? That possessive, jealous streak? Rory cheered Angel up all the time…and admittedly he DID want to throw Rory into a black hole from time to time for it.

He looked over, watching his Ganger intently when he saw the man nodding at something Angel said, before he…before he leaned in and kissed Angel's forehead! He felt his jaw tense at that, his hands clench into fists, before he stood up and strode out of the room, into a side room, starting to pace within, not sure what he was doing or why he was there. What did it matter to him if his Ganger kissed Angel, technically it was like HE had kissed her.

Except he hadn't.

Except he wanted to.

He froze at that, he wanted to. Yes…he DID, he really did. And it infuriated him to see her kissing someone else, his Mate ought only kiss him!

He winced, his hand moving to his head as he half-fell against the wall, using his other hand to brace himself as the pain and the throbbing increased. But then he heard the door to the room open and he didn't even need to turn around to know it was Angel.

"Shouldn't you be with my Ganger?" he asked, not harshly but more…in a sad breath.

"No," she shrugged.

"Why?" he turned to face her.

She just looked at him, taking him in, "Because I can't bear to be around either of you," she told him, making him frown.

"What?" he breathed.

Angel closed her eyes and shook her head, "He…" she nodded at the door, "He is my past and you…you were supposed to be my future," she sniffled, "And neither will happen. I can't get the past back and the future…it won't ever come will it?"

He walked over to her, about to take her hands but she pulled them away, "Angel…" he swallowed hard, "Why didn't you tell me I was your Mate?"

"I did," she reminded him, "That first night you asked Amy to come, I told you, right to your face…and you laughed it off."

He looked down, wincing at that, he HAD done that, hadn't he? "There's a chance though," he murmured, looking at her, "If HIS memories came back, maybe mine can too."

But she looked down, "It'll be too late," she whispered.

"What do you mean?" he froze his hearts starting to race in fear at the…finality in her voice.

"Too much has happened," she remarked, "Too much has happened that you don't understand Thet…Doctor," she corrected quickly.

He blinked and stared at her, "You were about to say my name, weren't you?"

She nodded, "And that's what it's all about you know," she rubbed her head, "The Silence, the little girl, Demons Run, everything."

He frowned, "What?" he shook his head, "What's Demons Run?"

That…that…didn't make sense, what was that? How…how did she know about something like that, whatever it was? And what did it have to do with his name? What was she talking about?

"Your name," she remarked, "Silence will fall when the Question is asked. Doctor Who?" she eyed him, "Perhaps I'm getting a bit ahead of myself," she sighed, seeing his confused look, realizing the things in her head hadn't happened yet, "Either way…it always ends with me, doesn't it? With MY end."

"Angel…what are you talking about?" he had to ask, this was making no sense at all.

"They want to know your name. But YOU can't tell them. I'm the only one who…" she paused, looking away, "Oh…well…that explains it…"

"Explains what? Angel you're not making any sense," and she ALWAYS made sense to him, always.

"River," was all she said to make him stiffen, "I get it now. I…die. And you…you live on, and you move on…to her. You'll tell her your name and, in the Library, she'll be so cross because she's seeing HER Mate being so sweet on someone else and…" she swallowed hard, "You're going to tell her your name, when I'm gone."

"What are you talking about, when you're gone?" he reached out to take her hands, not letting her pull them back, "You're not going anywhere!"

"I already have," she sighed, looking into his eyes, stepping closer…so his hands brushed against her stomach.

His eyes shot open as wide as they could go as he looked down at her stomach, really and truly looked, letting go of one hand to press his to her swelling abdomen, "I…" he couldn't even think of a word at the moment.

"You see…the little girl," Angel whispered, "Our daughter…they've taken me already Doctor," she told him, "They'll kill me and they'll use her…to kill you. Just because they think your secret is one that YOU can tell."

He shook his head, "No…" that was all he could hear in his mind, no. No, Angel was right there. No he couldn't have missed that SHE was a Ganger. No she…she couldn't be pregnant. No the baby was safe. No, that girl…that wasn't their daughter. No, Angel wasn't going to die.

"Yes," Angel replied, "Either way, no matter what you do here, what you learn, what you do if you keep me here or wake me up…I'll die."

"No."

"I HAVE to die, for YOU," she argued, "That's how it would have always been. They don't want your secret shared. They must kill me to keep it. I am the only one who can tell it. They want you stopped, what better and easier way than to kill me first? They need to test how to kill a Time Lord before going after you? Well here I am…it was always going to be me, right from the start," she looked at him, "My death was set the moment you told me your name Theta."

He swallowed and looked at her, "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I want you to know that, no matter what you do, you will never be able to save me. Amnesia or not, you or your Ganger, either one or both of you, neither of you can save me. This…this is my fate. To die for you Doctor. It always was and always will be my punishment for loving you."

"I can stop it," he took her hand again, "I can…I can save you both."

"How?" she shook her head, "You keep me here and they will take my baby away, they will kill me as I lie sleeping in my harness, no regeneration. You wake me up…and they'll know you're coming. They'll take the baby and kill me too. I lose, either way I lose," she let out a bitter laugh, "I always lose."

"Angel please," he begged, tears in his eyes, this…this was turning out to be a worse nightmare than he thought it would be and…

Hold on…a…a nightmare?

"That's why I came in here," Angel continued, "I needed you to realize, I wanted to tell you myself…you need to know that no matter what you do you will NEVER be able to save me Doctor."

Why…why was she saying that? Angel, HIS Angel wouldn't ever say anything like that. …HIS Angel?

"And every pain I suffer, every hurt I endure…will be YOUR fault."

No…no this was wrong, this was…this wasn't right. This wasn't real.

He stepped back from Angel and looked around the room, it had gotten darker, it wasn't the side room that he'd entered anymore but just an entirely dark room, with a single light above them. This…this wasn't real. It couldn't be because…

Because he KNEW Angel was his Mate, yes…he KNEW it. He remembered that so…so why hadn't he before? Why was she saying such things that were her? Why as his Ganger remembering her when he hadn't? That wasn't how things had happened. No, all this was more like…

A nightmare.

~8~

The Doctor's eyes gently drifted open as he let out a breath, looking over when he felt fingers gently running through his hair to see Angel was awake and lying beside him, watching him, just…playing with his hair soothingly.

"Are you alright?" she asked him, eyeing him in concern, "You looked like you were having a nightmare."

It bothered her a bit that she still didn't see his nightmares, that his mind was still guarding them against her, but…at least this time she'd woken up and been able to try and comfort him in the midst of one. Well, not really woken up per say. She hadn't really fallen asleep. They'd just come from Sweetville and while she had been petrified, which was essentially like sleeping for a good few days, the Doctor had been less fortunate. The poor dear had been covered in red poison and left wide awake and straining, suffering, for days on end. He'd been so tired when he'd come to find her in the console room, needing her to be beside him as he dozed, that she didn't have the hearts to tell him she wasn't tired. So she'd gone to bed and was just…lying there, watching him sleep, before she noticed his face scrunching and how he was starting to subtly jerk in bed. She'd reached out and tried to play with his hair, soothing him as she knew it soothed her, and had seen him start to relax, his expression moving to one of more confusion than concern, alarm, and heartsbreak.

"Yes," he nodded, "I…I was…"

She looked at him a moment, "Would…would it be one you'd like to share?"

He turned on his side, taking her hand from his hair and just…holding it, looking at it as he played with it a moment, absently analyzing the dream in his mind. He knew where it came from, the vats of Flesh had reminded him of the Vats of poison, the different people and objects that were forged from both and the pilgrims, sitting like dolls just waiting for people to pull the puppet strings like a Ganger with its original in their harness.

"I…don't think I need to," he remarked quietly, looking at her, "I…I actually think…I might have realized, in the middle of it, that…that I WAS having a nightmare, that it wasn't real."

She smiled, "That's wonderful Theta," she leaned over to kiss him deeply, SO relieved that that had happened.

She knew that he was always reluctant to tell her about his nightmares, whether from embarrassment or wanting to protect her or even from wanting them not to stop, she knew it was a combination of the three. He never really enjoyed talking about them, much less than he enjoyed having them the first time. She'd hoped that, by talking, it would help him get over them, and…it seemed it might have started to at least.

"Yes," he smiled, reaching out to touch her cheek, gently pulling her back to kiss her again, "It's…good," he nodded, wondering if…if perhaps this was the first step in actually ending the nightmares. He didn't enjoy them, he rather hated them, but he'd always felt like they were necessary, that he needed them to try and make up for hurting Angel and Ayla so badly. But this time…this time he'd realized it wasn't' real.

He'd realized that what Angel was saying in the dream as NOT what she felt in real life and…maybe it was starting to sink in that she didn't blame him for what happened, that she still loved him and that she did forgive him. He…he actually was starting to hope that might be the case. He was starting to miss sleeping peacefully with his Mate in his arms, waking up slowly with her beside him, the two of them so…happy and content. He missed that, he missed that feeling. He missed being able to enjoy these little private times with his Mate, to settle down for the night and cuddle and just...hold her, to be able to fall asleep beside her without constantly worrying that he might wake her with his screams or that he'd envision some terrible end for her. He just...wanted to be happy again, he wanted to let go of the guilt he felt because he really just...he was starting to believe that Angel had truly forgiven him and...and maybe, seeing how happy she and Ayla were, to realize that he must be doing something right, maybe it was showing him that he was slowly but steadily making up for what had happened.

Though, at the current moment, with Angel in his arms as he kissed her in slight celebration over this single step towards the end of his nightmares, he was rather…quite a bit of both, happy and content.

A/N: Sort of a little surprise at first, got a bit darker, but I really wanted this to be a turning point for the Doctor, the first time he's realized, while dreaming, that he's actually in a nightmare and woke himself up :) I think that's a step in the right direction ;)

Also, the 50th anniversary for Evy will be up in about 6-7 hours from posting this chapter, so around 1-2pm EST ;)

And now we get a sneak peek ;)

~8~

"What's wrong sweetheart?" Angel asked as she stepped into Ayla's room, turning on the lights as she made her way to her daughter's bed, sitting down on the edge of it as Ayla immediately snuggled closer to her.

"I...I had a bad dream," Ayla mumbled, hugging her and her Aslan to her, "It was probably very silly but...I just wanted you mummy."

Angel smiled at that, "And mummy always comes," she nodded, "Do you want to tell me what the dream was about?" she reached out, soothingly running her hand through Ayla's hair.

Ayla sniffled, "The Whisper Men."

~8~

Awww, look at that :) Ayla's inner psychic might be peeking out ;)

Some notes on reviews...

I saw a bit of Frozen, mostly ended up reading the spoilers for it lol. I agree, from what I've seen, I could see Elsa being like Angel :)

I probably won't make a HP story. I tend to do stories where I add an OC and I can't really think of a pairing that I'd want the OC a part of. The pairings I do like are all characters from the actual book :)

I don't think it's bad at all, gotta love the fluff ;)

I'm glad Angel saved Gillyflower too, I think the woman got away too easy (as terrible as it is to say since she died) and that to be arrested and to be made to stand responsible for her crimes would be a more fitting punishment :)

Lol, gotta love the Donna moment ;)