Chapter 17
Beautiful Butterflies
Beautiful butterflies dance
and we're in the center
January, 6th, 2010
Don't bother breaking the door down
I found my way out
"Where are we going?" Randy's asking me as if he's being pulled into the oddest place ever.
The hospital walls mock us, mock the death and turmoil we're both going to go through - because if Randy's leaving this world, then I will join him in death. I can't let him go on without me. I need him. He's the only thing that keeps me safe, the only thing that makes me truly happy and I don't want that one thing that makes me this happy taken away from me in a fit of horror and pain…I won't fathom on with this world without him and I need someone like him to hold me, to support me, to love me…
I love him with every crescent of my soul, every shape carved in…the only thoughts that enter my mind are of him and the only thing I think of is him and the only thing that scares me is him.
"Wait - why are we at the hospital?" Randy asks. He's confused because he thinks he's dead but I don' tell him why or how or anything, I just stand there, waiting in the stupid waiting room, pressing my head against the wall as he tells me that he feels tired and confused and I notice that he's ready to fall, that the pain's still there but he's denying it somehow…I know. The blood continues to seep, the horror, the pain, the melancholy, all so real…and all isn't left…and he's holding onto me in seconds, as if he's staring down at me.
"Is this hospital like a representation of a memory I've been through?" Randy asks, and he's holding onto me as tight as he can, 'because I've seen you around here a lot and I've been around here a lot, with you going the pain but soon enough, I'll be painless and I'll be in this world with you, when mind is finally screwed on straight and I'll only be thinking of you…and…there'll be happiness."
Randy's voice is softer now. "We'll be happy."
It seems like a far away dream that's finally coming to reach and I know that happiness is what a lot of people look for and usually find and I just wish that he isn't thinking that death will make us happy together, entwined in love… and death. I bite back my tongue and watch as they take him into the cot and I follow him. "Oh…" Randy says, "I get it! I get it! So instead of you being here, I am? Am I imagining my own death? How it's supposed to go? With me on a hospital bed instead of me shooting myself? Unbelievable. Even my mind doesn't wanna believe I'd actually kill myself…"
I still had a hard time believing it myself. He had it all and he just threw it away for me…and that hurts, it rocks me…to know that he loves me so much…enough to just kill himself off, like he didn't matter…
Like I was the only thing that mattered.
I realize right then and now that it didn't have to be like this. That it shouldn't be like this, with him lying on the cot, awaiting his painful death, and me standing there, thoughtlessly, without a thought, without a sound, just watching as the Doctor talks to him and he chuckles and plays along with this "game", and I just stare at him, as he looks at me, his thoughts only onto me, looking at me…
Look at the thing he's sacrificed his life for.
I realize right then that I might think I'm nothing.
But…to Randy…
I'm his entire world.
That's why he cares so much. He really does he love me. He really does see me as this person who spins his life's wheel, who he lives for…who…he'd die for…he wants to show me that.
"I love you, Teddy," Randy says when everyone's left. "You're everything to me."
There's so much truth in his eyes…
I realize now.
To me, I'm a demon. I'm useless. I'm nothing…but to him, I'm an angel. I'm all he thinks about. All he wants…his everything.
And…
God…
Tears are threatening to spill…
God…
It's too late…
Why didn't I see this before? Why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I stop myself from ruining him with this touch of darkness? …
It's too late…
To fix the mistakes.
Too late…
It's all fate…
Please… just don't kill him. Please…
I know what I'm doing wrong…just stop…I'm one stupid little butterfly in this circle of love.
X Sam.
