.
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Ronon gets up earlier than usual and meets John at his quarters. John seems in good spirits and excited about the golf thing. They grab a bite to eat and then head off with the golf sticks to find Teyla.

When they spot her, Teyla makes a believable excuse and gracefully extricates herself. She smiles, giving Ronon a knowing look on the way out and pats him on the arm. Ronon wishes he could get out of this golf game too but maybe it will give him a chance to get John to talk about what's been upsetting him.

The game is about as dull as Ronon was expecting. He watches in boredom as John and some other guy repeatedly swing their 'clubs' at little white balls, sending them into the water. He can't believe this is a real sport on Earth.

John tries to tell him that it is harder than it looks, actually requiring practice since childhood. Skeptical, Ronon wonders how hard it can be to hit a little ball. Holding his club midway down the shaft, Ronon uses his strength to make it fly. Turns out it's not hard at all.

The guy behind them seems impressed, "Whoa!"

"Like that?" Ronon smirks.

"That was okay." John admits.

"Okay?" the other guy gushes, "You can't even see where it landed."

"Well, it's not a distance game, it's an accuracy one." John argues.

"Well, pick a spot." Ronon challenges. "I'll hit it there."

"First off," John gestures, "your grip. It's all wrong-"

Interrupting their banter, Beckett steps out onto the balcony with a cheery hello. Grinning widely, he invites them both to join he and Rodney on a fishing expedition for the day.

John gives Ronon a questioning look and he returns an expression of clear dismissal. If there is anything Ronon wants to do less than golf, it is going fishing with Beckett and McKay.

"All right, but don't be jealous when I return with a record breaking 'space trout'. Beckett snaps his fingers playfully and taunts them, "Thank you."

"We'll try to contain ourselves." John says wryly.

"Oh, aye." Beckett beams happily as he scurries out the door.

Ronon doesn't think he's ever seen Beckett this excited. It seems like everyone around here gets excited by really boring games. Throwing the club down in disinterest, he tells John, "Time for a real sport. Come on."

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Carson catches Rodney off guard in the cafeteria, slapping him on the shoulder "Would you look at that? Great minds think alike! I thought I'd pick us up some snacks as well."

The guilt is burning a hole in his stomach as Rodney says, "Yes, um, about that."

"Rodney." Carson's face falls.

"Look here's the thing." Rodney tries to sound convincing, "You know I would love to go with you."

"No I don't." Carson sounds hurt.

"I would. I do. I just- I ran into Katie Brown and she started to lay the guilt on, you know how I never get to see her, and how the one day I get off, I'm jet-setting off to the coast to sport fish with my best buddy. I mean, she and I see so little of each other, I'm not sure we even count as a couple."

It is a bald-faced lie, and Carson knows it. Rodney is always with Katie these days. "Anyways, look, long story short-"

"Too late, Carson complains sarcastically.

Rodney continues with the last of his long-winded excuse, "I told Katie I would spend the day with her."

"All right." Carson gives a disappointed laugh; it's obvious they both know Rodney is lying but Carson lets it pass without comment

"Hey, you know," Rodney keeps going with his excuse anyway, "if it was anybody else-"

"No, no I understand." Carson says gracefully.

"Yeah, next week, I'm 100% there."

Carson looks hopeful. "You promise?"

"Absolutely." Rodney vows.

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"Oh come on!" John points with his wooden sword, "Oh, you are making this stuff up! This is not a traditional Satedan sport. This is an excuse to make me look dumb and kick my ass."

"If you wanna quit…" Ronon shrugs in amusement.

John sighs and moves forward again to meet his opponent.

Ronon lunges skillfully and throws John off balance, smacking him hard enough in the face to throw him onto his back. John stays down on the floor, gasping.

"I'm sorry." Ronon tells him.

"This game sucks."

"Well," Ronon advises, "you need to focus."

"I don't know if that's going to be possible again…" John lets his head fall back onto the floor, "Here, help me get up. I got an idea."

Offering an arm, Ronon pulls John up off the ground. As he stands, John whips his wooden stick across Ronon's bare arm. Feeling less sorry for him now, Ronon growls in anger.

"That hurts doesn't it?" John says with a bit of resentment.

Ronon scowls, rubbing his arm as he follows John out of the gym.

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.

While Rodney has lunch in the greenhouse with Katie, she professes her appreciation for the attention he has been lavishing on her in the months since they have started dating.

She tells him, "For the last little while you have really made an effort to make time for me and it has been lovely."

Rodney is touched that she has noticed and cared, he tries to express his feelings but rambles on awkwardly, spoiling the mood.

Stopping himself, he tries again, earnestly telling Katie, "I like you a lot, I mean, I do."

She smiles at him with her pretty doe eyes "I know you do, and I like you a lot, too."

"I know." Rodney furrows his brows in concern, "And to be honest, I –I -I find that just… baffling."

"Come on now!" Katie shakes her head in disbelief.

"No-no-no." Rodney lifts his hand, "It's other people too. They find it baffling too"

"I guess they just don't know you like I know you."

"Yeah," Rodney points at her, "but you see, that's what scares me. I mean at some point, you are going to know me the way they know me and then this-"

Katie interrupts, "Rodney, I think I know you pretty well. There's not a lot of subtext with you."

That's not what John would say. John knows Rodney better than anyone, except maybe Carson. John has seen so many sides of Rodney and even he says Rodney is an enigma to him. It often feels like John can see right through him. Still, John knows there is more, more that he can't see.

No, John is right and Katie is wrong. She has barely scratched the surface with him. How can he possibly hope that Katie will still like him if she gets to know him better?

He changes the subject, thinking about how long he avoided Katie after that awkward first date. Taking her hands romantically in his, he tells her, "I am really sorry that I ignored you all that time."

"I bet you are." Katie blinks up at him flirtatiously.


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John watches Ronon lift the can and smash it to his forehead as hard as he can, "Like that? He asks.

"Yeah," John positions his hand to illustrate the correct position for smashing beer cans, "you got to hit it straight on, as hard as you can."

"Okay." Ronon answers.

It is amusing him to no end that Ronon is taking this seriously, as if John is talking about a traditional Earth sport. John eases back into the comfort of the lounge chair in his own quarters. This is how he prefers to spend the day off, kicking back, eating junk food, and listening to music.

Lifting the ice pack to his face, he tells Ronon, "I'll stick to golf. Your game is a little too much like my day job."

He eyes Ronon, knowing he's been angling to try to get John to talk to him. But John can't talk about that stuff. Instead, he tries to get Ronon to talk about himself.

"So, how long you been here now? A year?"

"A year and a half." Ronon sips his beer and sets it down.

"A year and a half?" John is surprised. Has it really been that long? It still feels like Ronon just got here. John rarely sees him fraternizing with anyone.

"You ever hang out with anyone else besides me and Teyla?"

Ronon shakes his head.

"No, I'm not saying we're sick of you or anything. I'm... I don't know." John tries a different subject. "Are you dating anyone?"

"You mean like a woman?" Ronon smiles.

Spur of the moment, John decides to say something to see how Ronon will react to the idea of two men together; he acts casual, asking, "Or a man?"

"No." Ronon looks amused but not offended; then Ronon's face clouds a bit, "I'm not ready yet."

"Not ready yet?" John's voice softens, "Did you leave somebody behind on Sateda?"

Ronon nods.

"Wife?"

"Close enough."

"Sorry." John feels guilty for prying.

"What about you?" Ronon asks.

"What about me?" John keeps his tone light, hoping to keep the conversation from getting too serious.

"When are you getting married?" Ronon smirks.

"Already done that." John chuckles, "Not very good at it. Besides, there really isn't anyone here that-"

What can he say about Rodney? 'There isn't really anyone here that loves me the way I love them? I blew whatever chance I had?'

John opts to leave the sentence unfinished and brings the beer to his lips, saying instead, "Yeah, you know."

"See," Ronon gives him a playful look, "I always thought you and Teyla would, uh, you know."

"Really?" John is flattered and surprised and laughs a little.

"Yeah, why not?" Ronon asks.

Teyla is hot, definitely hot. But John wants someone else. "Mmmm-" John barely begins, when a booming explosion shakes the building and stops the conversation short.

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Ronon paces in Rodney's lab thinking about Teyla's condition. Unlike some of the others caught in the blast, Carson said she'd survive, that it would be a successful surgery. Rodney says he can explain what happened but he is going on and on about some kind of Ancient machine he had junior technicians checking out.

"I should have been there." Rodney whines, "those idiots always go and touch something they shouldn't. It was some kind of failed weapon abandoned by the Ancients; but the radiation it emits effects all biologic material, not just Wraith."

"Get to the point, McKay." Ronon scowls.

"Fine, fine." Rodney fidgets, "Long story short, it creates explosive tumors."

"Explosive tumors?" Ronon can't believe what he is hearing, "Are you kidding me?"

"I wish I was." Rodney sounds tired as he and John go on to conclude that the other junior technician who turned on the machine could explode any minute.

"Then we need to find this guy before anyone else gets killed." Ronon's hand strays instinctively to his pistol, flipping it to a stun setting as John makes the call for an ordinance disposal team to be on standby.

Rodney makes a citywide announcement and a call comes back from the infirmary. One of the nurses says the man is there, having sustained minor injuries from the explosion earlier.

"He's in the OR right now?!" Rodney's eyes go wide and his posture changes to one of extreme tension as he tells the nurse to get Carson on the radio with him.

Now Rodney is the one pacing as he waits for Beckett to get on the com.

Ronon folds his arms as John sends a team to the operating room.

Suddenly Rodney is yelling into his com, pointing his finger as he strides anxiously about the lab; he explains that the man Carson is working on has been infected with an explosive tumor.

Getting more agitated as the conversation continues, Rodney yells, "It is possible Carson! Look, you need to get you and your team out of there. Sheppard has an ordinance-disposal crew on its way."

Answering something Carson said, Rodney's voice gets louder as he paces with intensity, "He doesn't have to move. You do!"

The quarantine alarm begins to blare and Ronon leans over as John checks the laptop on the table.

"He used his authorization code to seal off the whole level." John reports, "We can't get to him."

Ronon stays frozen in his seat as Rodney pleads, "Carson, you cannot seriously be considering operating on this guy."

As Rodney continues to rant and plead with Carson about what little time he has, Ronon turns his head. He's heard McKay panic plenty of times but never seen anything quite like this.

He closes his eyes hoping Carson will be able to do this in time. He's come to really care for the man who removed the Wraith tracking device from him and freed him from a life on the run. But he knows how much more this must be scaring Rodney; he's probably Rodney's closest friend.

"Okay," Rodney sounds like he is going to explode himself now as he sputters, "look, this is very brave and all, but-"

John suddenly interjects, sounding commanding as he speaks to Carson through his com, "What if the explosion causes structural damage? What if the tower comes down with everyone in it?"

"Exactly!" Rodney shouts, pointing his finger at John.

It doesn't seem to get through because Rodney is screaming again, "The man is already dead!"

"Carson," John's voice is steady, "I can't order you to stand down, but-" He stops talking and looks to Ronon shaking his head.

After a moment he tells everyone in the room, "He's off the com."

"No-no-no" Rodney is shaking as he grabs the computer, "If anything happens to him…"

"Stupid idiot technicians" Rodney hisses through clenched teeth as he types at the keyboard, "It's going to take too long to hack the access codes to get that section open again."

It is hard to miss how genuinely rattled Rodney is. Sure, he gets upset a lot but this is different. Ronon frowns remembering something. Weren't the two of them supposed to leave for a fishing trip today?

Chewing his lip in frustration as he types, Rodney suddenly grabs the computer and flings it against the wall. It smatters to the floor in several pieces.

"I can't do it in time. There's not enough time to override the, the… We're not going to be able to get to him."

Ronon simply blinks at the smashed computer, he's never seen Rodney do anything like that before.

John puts his hand out, "Rodney-"

"Give me another one" Rodney snaps his fingers at Zelenka, "Yes, yes, that laptop right there."

"Rodney" John's voice stays steady, "We should brief Elizabeth, maybe she'll think of something we've missed."

Balling his fists up against the side of his head like he is thinking, Rodney storms out of the lab.

"We'll fix this." John tells Ronon as he goes after Rodney.

"Right." Ronon sits in the chair feeling useless, wishing there was more he could do.

Zelenka meekly places a new laptop in front of him to replace the one Rodney destroyed and then begins to clean up the broken pieces of the ruined one from the floor; he tells Ronon, "They'll think of something. They always do."

Nodding, Ronon thinks of how many near death situations they've escaped. Just, when it comes to the stuff like this that doesn't involve fighting, there isn't much for him to do. Maybe he should learn more about science.

He hates waiting like this. He doesn't even have his com with him, so he has no idea what is going on out there.

After what seems like an eternity Zelenka nods to him, "Hey, Beckett got it out. The team is going in now to remove the bomb."

A moment later John and Rodney come rushing back into the lab, John is speaking loudly, "Just stay put, Doc!" he leans over to Ronon, "Carson's trying to take the container to the crew…"

Visualizing Carson carrying an explosive tumor, Ronon tenses in anticipation. Carson is going to be okay, he's almost there.

Then John nods to let them know it is over. "Okay. It's gonna be okay, he just handed off the-"

An explosion rocks the building.

As Ronon looks up at the others in the room, no one says a word. Rodney's face is a mixture of terror and grief. He wants to tell him to wait; they don't know if Carson is injured. But the grim silence in the room stops him.

Then they get confirmation from John's men on the scene; Carson did not survive the blast.

Rodney's form crumples into the wall behind him. With a small pinched wail, he covers his face with his hands.

John collapses into the chair in front of the laptop, just staring at the screen; his face completely blank. Then he stands back up in a stupor and stumbles out of the lab.

Unsure of what to do, Ronon goes after John. He knows John hasn't been doing well and he's worried this might have pushed him over the edge. He catches up to him in the hall and tries to reach for him but John puts out his hand to keep him away. The movement seems to throw off what little balance he has and John almost walks into a pillar.

From a short distance Ronon keeps a watchful eye. John seems to have no idea where he is going, his eyes are glazed as if he isn't even really there and he takes little notice of what is going on around him. Ronon feels much the same as he follows John on his weaving path to nowhere. It is just too much to take in, too much of a shock.

After a while Ronon asserts himself, telling John, "Hey, this way."

Thankfully, John hears him and follows Ronon as he leads him back to John's quarters. He tries to say something as they approach the door but John cuts him off.

"Don't." He waves Ronon back again and closes himself into the room.

Ronon stands mutely by the closed door for some time. It feels like his mind isn't working right. Carson is gone. The last time Ronon saw him he was taking Teyla into surgery.

Teyla.

Ronon finds himself walking to the part of the building where the patients were evacuated to, he has to make sure Teyla is okay.

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.

Everyone in Atlantis is very somber right now; missions have been temporarily suspended. Teyla is still recovering from her injuries.

Rodney is…

Ronon squeezes his eyes thinking about how he'd tried to talk to Rodney. John had all but disappeared and Ronon thought he should try to make sure Rodney was okay.

He'd found him in Carson's quarters; everything was nearly disassembled and in boxes. Rodney had seemed surprised that Ronon was there asking if he was okay.

"Hmm, uh-" Rodney answered stiffly like he was trying to keep his emotions in check, "Not really."

All that came to mind was to ask if he needed any help.

"No, I'm almost done." Rodney choked, looking up like he was trying to keep any tears from falling, "He didn't have a lot of stuff here."

Ronon felt at a loss of what to say, asking if the stuff was going back to Carson's family.

"Yeah. Well, I mean-" Rodney answered softly, taking a short breath to collect himself before continuing, "We will. They don't know yet."

He sounded so stricken, "We're going to send… the body back to Earth, and, um…" Rodney had been fighting to speak without crying then, "I'm going to tell his mother."

It was too heartbreaking, Ronon wanted to reach out and hug the guy, but that just wasn't the kind of thing they normally did. Normally John would be the one looking after Rodney, knowing the right things to say to him, but John has been lost in his own world.

Rodney had looked to Ronon with a vacant despair in his eyes, "I should've just gone fishing with him."

Not knowing what to say, Ronon managed to croak out one word, "Don't" but Rodney kept blaming himself.

"No, if I'd gone fishing, if I'd checked the machine and if I hadn't assigned two junior guys to catalog the lab-"

Ronon tried to sound reassuring, the way John talks to Rodney sometimes, ""Rodney. What's done is done."

That had been the wrong thing to say.

"I know..." Rodney's eyes welled up, "And, uh, that's what's killing me." He'd turned away from Ronon as silent tears began streaming down his face and he returned to packing boxes.

Ronon knows Rodney needs John right now but John has barely said a word to anyone, least of all Ronon. But Ronon has to try, somebody has to get through to him, get him to talk to Rodney. If John were himself, he would know what to say.

Ringing the chime on John's door there is no answer but Ronon knows he's in there, "Sheppard!" he bellows.

After a moment he shouts again, "Sheppard! Open the damn door!"

He is about to yell again when the panel opens.

John stares as if he is looking through him, "What." His voice is flat.

Pushing his way past John, Ronon steps into his room, "McKay. I tried to check on him but he's falling apart. Right now he's up in Carson's room packing up all his things, I think you need to see him 'cause I don't know what to do."

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'Rodney.' John blinks a few times and furrows his brows. 'God, Rodney. He hasn't seen Rodney since the moment he heard that second explosion. What the fuck is wrong with him?'

"Wha-" John tries to find his voice, "What did you say to him?"

"Not what he needed to hear. I didn't know what to say."

John winces thinking of how much Rodney must be suffering. What the hell is wrong with him, why didn't he even think to go to Rodney? He sighs at the truth. It's because he can't feel anything inside. He isn't right. There is something wrong with him.

Ducking his head, John mutters, "Thanks. I'll try. I just, right now I'm not…" he trails off with a vacant stare.

"Yeah" Ronon nods, "I think we're all, you know, kinda messed up right now."

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'Rodney.' John blinks a few times and furrows his brows. 'God, Rodney. He hasn't seen Rodney since the moment he heard that second explosion. What the fuck is wrong with him?'

"Wha-" John tries to find his voice, "What did you say to him?"

"Not what he needed to hear. I didn't know what to say."

John winces thinking of how much Rodney must be suffering. What the hell is wrong with him, why didn't he even think to go to Rodney? He sighs at the truth. It's because he can't feel anything inside. He isn't right. There is something wrong with him.

Ducking his head, John mutters, "Thanks. I'll try. I just, right now I'm not…" he trails off with a vacant stare.

"Yeah" Ronon nods, "I think we're all, you know, kinda messed up right now."

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John finds Carson's room nearly empty of belongings; most everything has been packed up. Rodney must hear him approaching but doesn't turn around; his shoulders are hunched over and he is holding a frame. The only time he's seen Rodney this forlorn, was that day he saw Rodney standing at the edge of a balcony; that time John had been worried he was going to jump.

Placing a hand on his shoulder, John finally feels something; Rodney is warm.

No, that's not right. He should be feeling something more, an emotion. His gaze drops to the frame Rodney is holding; it is a picture of Carson and Rodney laughing together.

"It was his…" Rodney sounds dull, "I wish… I could keep it. -but it should go to his family."

Reluctantly dropping it into the box in front of him, Rodney turns to face John. He looks at him beseechingly, like John has the answer to something Rodney can't find. John's hand falls back to his side; his lips part, wanting to say something, but still not knowing what. There really is something wrong with him, a missing part.

Rodney speaks instead, "Carson was the closest thing to a best friend I've ever had." his voice wavers on the verge of tears. His brow creases and his eyes are puffy and red; it looks like he is about to start crying again.

John knew the two of them were close, but he hadn't realized just how much Carson meant to Rodney until now. For a moment, he feels a pang of regret, realizing that Carson was closer to Rodney than himself. Then, like a flickering light across the water, John has a distant memory of what it feels like to lose the person closest to you.

"I'm so sorry, Rodney." It sounds so empty and contrite.

"Yeah." Rodney sounds dull again, gesturing with his hand, "I'd better get this…"

"Let me help you." John grabs the box with the picture.

While they are walking, John swipes the picture frame and sticks it in his jacket. This stuff is just going to storage for now; he'll put it back later.

Really there was no reason to pack everything up so fast. It will be another day before they head to Earth with the body. He supposes Rodney has needed something to do until then. When they finish making their trips with the boxes, Rodney looks completely lost, like he doesn't know what to do with himself.

"You heading to Katie's place now?" John asks.

"No." For some reason Rodney winces mildly, "No, I just need to be alone for a while."

As John watches him walk away, it seems wrong that Rodney should be alone right now. A bit hypocritical since that is John's favorite solution himself.

He wishes he could feel something more than this blank wooden sensation. A registry of some kind of real pain, something that would make him want to hit the punching bag again. But when Carson died it was like all the air went out of him. Just a big empty nothing.

John walks through the next day in a stupor, remembering little of what he says or does. He packs some things for the trip to Earth and puts on his dress uniform for the memorial service.

Stopping by the infirmary to check on Teyla, John spies her struggling to get out of bed and stops her. But she is insistent that she wants to be at the memorial before they send Carson's body back to Earth.

She inhales sharply in pain but continues to sit upright. Realizing Teyla won't be talked out of it, John moves to help her.

But then she catches him off guard by looking soulfully up at him and asking, "How are you doing?"

"Me?" John shrugs, "I'm fine, but I didn't get major surgery two days ago."

"That is not what I meant." Teyla looks accusingly at him and peers into his eyes for a real answer.

"Well, it hasn't hit me yet." John looks away uncomfortably, "Not looking forward to it when it does."

'If it ever does.'

Rodney was right when he told John that he didn't have a heart. All his wreckage has twisted him beyond repair.

"I feel a great sadness." Teyla reflects all her grief in her eyes, "He… I feel a great sadness."

After Elizabeth finishes delivering the eulogy, they open the wormhole to Earth and the pallbearers step forward. John and Rodney hold the front positions next to each other.

Before they step through the event horizon, John exchanges a look with him. He tries to reflect strength and let Rodney know that they will make it through this somehow. Solemn and careful, they step through the gate together.

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