Hey guys!

JuiceWillis, that was just a little slip :) I tend to translate things word by word from my language sometimes, usually when I am tired. But I took care of it

I want to tell you guys that there is no offence taken. I have made peace with the fact that I can't please everyone with my story, no matter how hard I try. Some of you like some things, some of you don't. But all I can say is that I am always open to constructive criticism. So, I get your opinions about the last chapter, and all I can say is that I hope this one manages to meet your expectations. Maybe I took Rose's stubbornness a little too far, I get it. But all I tried to emphasize is that it is hard to get thinking straight after such a so -betrayal. But then again, maybe I took it too far and became quite repetitive. But well... after things settle down, you have time to think about it all and remember things...

And I am trying to make things as original as possible (and trust me, that is a hard thing to do with so many other fanfictions around) and I am aware that that doesn't happen sometimes and that the story might get predictable, but the damage is already done now. I have already written that chapter and I am not giving up on it. I won't change the course of my story. I just hope you'll like how the story evolves later on, if you decide to bear with me till the end of it :)

And dear guest, you asked me where the Saturday update is. As I previously said, I won't be updating three times a week, I will be only doing it on Mondays and Thursdays :)


I have promised to Lissa that I would stay in town at least until her wedding comes because my first thought was to leave this place right away. I already couldn't stand to live here. It became suffocating. I feel like there is nothing more that could make me stay here for longer. That there is nothing left for me here. But I did it for her anyway. And that meant two weeks spent here after Dimitri and I broke up. The hardest weeks from my life so far because I miss him like crazy. I really tried to get over it, but I simply can't and everything in this town reminds me of him.

I moved into a studio apartment first. And I changed my number. I gave up on talking to people for a while, until Lissa decided it was enough and pushed her way into my apartment with a bottle of wine and a carton of ice cream. I didn't go to work either for a little while. I totally bailed on going back to that office. What would have been the point? Plus, I had some checks I didn't cash and it was nice to sit for a while and not do anything at all. I didn't feel like moving much anyway. But that meant that I was alone with my thoughts all day long. Which was not pleasant at all. I got a lot of time to think about a lot of things and possibilities and by the end of the first week, I was getting to overthink everything. Trust me. My mind is full of contradictions right now. I have no idea what to think anymore. Nothing makes sense anymore. I am torn between what I have seen and what I feel deep inside. And I have no idea what to choose. My brain and my heart are at war.

And after some time of doing nothing at all but sitting in bed and looking at the empty walls of my new room in complete silence, I felt the need to be useful, to do something just to take my mind off everything, to put my mind on pause while I was taking care of something else. So I got a temporary job at about a week after I left. I took the first thing I found; it didn't really matter to me. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Not then, not now. And I am now working as a barista at a nonstop coffee shop, trying to get as many shifts as I can, just to keep myself busy. It's a nice place to work in and the other people I work with are a nice distraction.

But what annoys me the most are the fuckers that come around and hit on me. I just want to go around unobserved, but the universe can't guarantee me even that little thing, even though I am in no condition to deal with men right now. There is this guy, Ethan that has come around every single day, and not only once a day, ever since I work there and made some moves on me. I guess he is dumb as fuck because I have told him explicitly on so many occasions that I am not interested in him and that he should just go fuck himself (of course, in a nice way because I am not allowed to speak like that with a customer) but he simply didn't listen. He just thinks that I am playing with him and that I am trying to seem unapproachable. Sometimes, he would come around with other pigs that he is calling his friends and would make inappropriate jokes around me. And I simply have to be nice to them, even though I just want to rip their heads off, because my boss is always watching. But I just can't wait for a day when no one would be watching. I am way too close to the verge and these guys are just asking for it. But it is their luck that I will be leaving soon.

Another guy that would come around the coffee shop every single day is Stan, a man around his mid-thirties I guess, or even a little more. But compared to the other bastards, he seems really nice and would usually ask me how my day is going and would bring up some random subjects to talk about while I am making his drink. And one time he even picked up on Ethan when things got a little too far one morning. Oh, you should have seen that little fucker's face. But all in all, I didn't get the vibes that this Stan guy would be hitting on me or that he would follow me at night, his intentions seeming pretty unharmful and friendly, but it still seems quite weird that he is taking interest in me and not in any other baristas around the place. And as weird as it would sound for me to say this, he somehow reminds me of Dimitri. They share this acute seriousness. Or maybe I am just imagining things in my terrible missing of him and try to see bits of him in everyone I interact with.

And my days are all the same and I am getting by as best as I can. I would often spend some time with Lissa and Christian as they are inviting me over to their place almost every evening, and it is hard for me to be around them because I would constantly have to pretend that I am getting and feeling better and I sometimes really am, even if it is just for a couple of minutes. I would smile and laugh and make stupid jokes again and go out with them and do all the things we once used to do, but I don't find the pleasure in that anymore, but still, I pretend I do because I don't want them to worry. And it is exhausting because the truth is that, on the inside, well, things aren't always that pink as I am depicting them. But I am dealing with it the best I can, hoping that soon things will get better. Hoping that after I will leave, things will get easier.


These two weeks passed somehow and now it is the last day of October. Finally. Lissa and Christian chose to do their wedding in this period because they have always wanted an outside wedding during autumn, and what is more beautiful than the view of the trees around being fully into autumn mood, right? It is a little later into the autumn if you ask me, but these two have the best luck. Today the weather is wonderful for spending your time outside. They have found the perfect location too. The ceremony is going to take place just outside of town, right next to some mini forest and it looks simply magical. It is all decorated with white and orange peonies and ribbons and there are fairy lights all over the place, for when it would turn dark. Anyway, the after party is going to take place inside some structure made entirely of glass, created especially for letting us see the wonderful view while being at cover from the eventual cold the night might bring.

I am now into the bride's room and I am taking a last look at myself before going to take my place as a maid of honor. My hair is nicely done into a low messy bun, some strands being let free to enframe my face. I'm wearing a long vaporous dress in the color of rust or burnt orange as Lissa would insist me to say, that has a heart shaped neckline which is nicely emphasizing my collarbones. On them lies a golden necklace with a round opal pendant that occupies the little notch between them. I spend some seconds staring at its reflection and get a little ache in my chest. I have the necklace from Dimitri and I just can't bring myself to take it off and trust me, I have sat in front of a mirror with my hands on its locker for so many times that I lost count of them. He gave it to me when we were at his family's country house, with no reason at all, telling me that when he saw it, he simply knew that I would love it and he was right. And I haven't taken it off ever since. And it may not be a healthy thing to do, but by still wearing it, he is somehow still with me, wherever I go, whatever I do.

"Hey, Liss. You know what I was thinking?"

"What?" she asks me as she is putting on her dress and I follow her moves into the reflection of the mirror.

"That I should get bangs."

And she stops midway her move for a second, her dress hanging on her hips, and then she turns around to face me. "Just don't." she says, seriousness filling her voice.

"Why not? I think it would look really nice."

She smiles lightly. "Trust me, Rose. You don't want to go through that phase."

"What phase? The bangs phase? I didn't know it existed."

She shakes her head and comes to my side. "No, honey. That phase doesn't exist. But the phase 'I broke up with someone and I feel the need for a drastic change' phase exists." she says taking one of my loose strands in between her fingers and making some curls on her finger with it. I didn't think about this thing. The idea just popped in my head one day. Then her eyes meet mine again. "You don't need any bangs, Rose. Or to change anything about you. You are fine just the way you are. You really are so beautiful." she says taking my hands into hers. "So promise me. No bangs, okay? Because if I let you do that, the next thing you'll want to get a huge tattoo on your ass and I am not ready to deal with that. Okay?" and we both chuckle. "You promise me?" and I nod, then she goes back to getting herself dressed.

And I must agree with her, at least today. I really look nice, compared to the past two weeks in which all I wore were loose jeans and baggy sweaters and my hair was a complete mess. Thank God that Lissa isn't one of those brides that would dress her friends in ugly ass dresses just to make herself glow. She doesn't need that. She is so beautiful. She looks just like an angel, wearing a simple long lace dress that emphasizes her belly. She decided not to change her dress because of that, she just adjusted a little and I couldn't agree more with her decision. This dress is just perfect for her. Her hair is down, gently curled into nice waves and she is wearing a bright orange flower crown that is perfectly contrasting with her jade green eyes. She is the most magnificent bride I have ever seen. And the most stressed one, as I can see. I turn around and smile at her, as she is pacing left and right around the room now that her dress has been dealt with and there is nothing else that she can do.

"Liss, relax. It's just your wedding, not the end of the world. Everything is going to be just fine."

"Yeah, like you would know how this feels." She says and her expression changes at millisecond after she let these words out. "I'm so sorry Rose. I didn't want to say that." I know what she is talking about. We were somehow supposed to share this wedding, no? But what can you do? Things happen. I shake these thoughts out of my mind. I promised myself that I won't do this today. I won't think about him for one day. For a couple of hours. Today my best friend is getting married and I am extremely happy for her. I won't let my inner battle take over my happy thoughts today. I am going to deal with everything tomorrow. "Are you fine?" she asks, coming closer to me and taking my hands into hers again.

"Of course I am fine. There is nothing that could happen today to make me not be happy for you. And I am really happy today, Liss. And nothing will change that."

She shifts her weight from one foot to the other with unease. She always does that when he into the discussion, which I tell you, doesn't happen too often because it is like everybody decided not to mention him around me or something like that. Maybe they are afraid that I would ruin this wedding if they bring him up or something. "Not even-"

"No. Not even that." But I really don't know how I would react if Dimitri is going to come to this wedding. Lissa has already sent the invitations a long time ago and both of us were invited and we both confirmed. It would be okay if he would have come, his choice, I don't care. Really? You don't care? Fine. I care more than I probably should. Hell, as crazy as it may sound, I somehow wish that he would come. But would it be super mega extra weird too? Hell yeah, considering that Lissa and Christian still have the wish to set him on fire, plus that my parents are here too and, of course, they have seen everything into those damn magazines, them and like half a town, and it took me so much to convince my father not to go to see Dimitri, but hell, if he wants to come anyway, so be it. But the thing that sucks is that we are seated next to each other. And I can't bear the thought of being so close to him again. Not after constantly longing for him. Gosh. I miss him so much that I would be capable of taking him in my embrace if he comes around.

"Speaking about him, did he try anything else?"

"No. Not ever since the motel thing. He just... " I shrug. "...let me be." and again, as I remember that night, I get lost in thoughts.

Lissa squeezes on my hands. "Rose, don't do that thing again. It's not doing you any good, you get me?"

"Do what?" I ask, but I know what she is speaking about and I just play the fool because I know that me thinking about that thing annoys her.

"You know what I am talking about. Ever since you last talked with him, you keep on doing it." she sighs. "Look, Rose. I know it is hard for you to make peace with that thought and that there will be times when you will want him back but yo-"

"But what if-"

"No. That is just some story of his to make you believe him, you get me? I want you to stop thinking about that. You are only prolonging your suffering like this. That thing is not true. He did what he did, okay? And one day you'll see that you did the right thing, even though now it seems that you are not. You still love him and in your head, he is still this amazing man you once met. But your image about him doesn't match with who he really is. And this is the reality, Rose."

I bite the inside of my cheek. "I don't know, Liss. He… the Dimitri I know wouldn't do su-"

Our conversation isn't able to continue because my mother barges in the room, looking for me because I really have to take my place now, as it's almost time for the ceremony to start. Before I leave, I hug Lissa and encourage her to relax because there is nothing that could possibly go wrong. I mean, we are talking about the control-freak Lissa here. She planned everything until the last detail, and I know that everything is going to go perfectly and there is nothing to worry about. But all she does in response is to give me a look that is telling me that our conversation is far from over. I nod and get out, catching up with my mother. She is really beautiful today, dressed in a nice green dress that perfectly complements her shoulder-length auburn curls. And as she turns her head my way, she is smiling. I am not used to seeing her do that very often, so I am enjoying this view. It makes her look younger. And I must say that it is really nice to see my parents too after so much time away.

We get outside and I hurriedly take my place. I take a look around and my eyes land on Christian. It still amazes me that he isn't all dressed in black. Believe it or not, today he is wearing white. It's only a shirt, but it's a start, people. And God, isn't he nervous too? I can say that he is worse than Lissa. It's funny to see him in this position. I mean, he would always be this confident sarcastic guy. But now, yeah, he is nothing like that. His eyes are scanning the crowd like crazy and he keeps on wiping the insides of his palms on his pants. But not long after, his face changes and all his worries disappear, an amazed expression appearing instead, as he sees his soon to be wife. God, the look in his eyes says everything. He loves her so, so much! And the music begins. I direct my attention towards the end of the aisle and there is Lissa, at my father's arm. As her father and brother are gone, she asked my father to take her to the altar, since he practically knows her for as long as she existed on this earth. And with all the time we would spend together, well, it is safe to say that my father has two daughters instead of one.

He is surely standing out from the crowd. My father is one of a kind, what can I say? That's why I love him so much. He is dressed as boldly as always, wearing his colorful signature silk scarf. Along with his exotic features that I surely enhanced, he has lately decided to grow a beard, making him seem more Turkish than ever. That, combined with the golden earring that he is wearing since for as long as I can remember, well, I can say that Lissa is being taken to the altar by a pirate, all he misses being an eye patch. And there's a big smile across this pirate's face and he seems so, so proud. I wonder how he would have glowed if he would have taken both of us on the same path today. But things don't always go as planned and well, one wedding is better than none at all, right?

The ceremony is really beautiful and their vows almost make me cry. Okay, I confess. Not almost. I really cried. Hell, I never used to get so emotional over things like these. But they are so in love that it is impossible not to think about a lot of things when you see them together. But God, sometimes they are so cheesy that they make me sick. It's like they are made from sugar, that's how they are acting with each other.


Then, the party begins. And I really allow myself to enjoy it. This happened a little after I found the fancy alcohol bottles on the table, of course. But I didn't pass my limit. After all, I didn't want to get into bed with someone again. I just drank enough to make myself not care about the other things anymore, enough to make the constant buzz in my head be silent for a little while.

It feels so nice to be around family and good old friends. It makes things better. I get the chance to catch up with my former classmates and people around town that I used to see every day and see what they have been up to lately. And I shit you not, each one of them has someone. It's like this wedding is a couples only event and I am obviously not fitting in. But this doesn't bother me that much. Because they are not bragging with it. What is truly annoying me are those women around their fifties or sixties that would walk around the place and pinch your cheeks and tell you that you have grown up so much even though they don't know who you are. I was okay with that, I didn't mind. But next, the big question would come: "And a nice girl like you doesn't have a special someone?" Well, this girl used to have a special someone that she misses like hell and if you keep on reminding her about him, she might get crying soon. And when I would say to them that I don't have anyone, their eyes would fill with pity. Exactly what I needed. So instead of walking around, I resumed to sitting at my table for a while.


I was speaking with my mother about some book that her students were supposed to read and we were engaged into a kind of heated argument involving our different opinions when the seat next to me got dragged by someone. I simply froze in place, my breath coming to a halt. My mother was still speaking just like nothing was happening behind me, but I wasn't listening to her anymore. So did he really come? Then I felt a hand on my bare shoulder. But its weight didn't seem familiar on my body. Even though, I still hoped it was him.

I took a deep breath, gulped it, sending the knot in my throat down into my stomach and turned around slowly, expecting to find those kind chocolate eyes looking back at me. But to my heart's sorrow, it wasn't Dimitri in front of me. But God, I so wanted for him to be here. Somewhere, at the bottom of my heart, I still hoped he would come here somehow. Instead, it was someone else I knew, with the same red hair that just wouldn't stay in place, little freckles across his cheeks and ocean blue eyes. Good old Mase. I haven't seen him for so long and I immediately jumped into his arms. We were best friends back in high school but didn't really keep in touch as much as we should have along the years. I convinced him to move his seat and come next to me so that we would catch up. Anyway, after all, Dimitri didn't come. But he made sure to send the newlyweds a present. And it was the most beautiful set of baby girl dresses I have ever seen. This was so nice of him. He is so nice. How do I keep on forgetting that? But not long after, Lissa makes sure to remind me of some things as we get the chance to finish our interrupted conversation.


When the mood around loosened up and everybody started dancing, my dad came to me and took me to the dance floor, completely ignoring my protests. What can you do? He is a stubborn fella. No surprise I am how I am. But along the two songs we danced on, I really came to enjoy it. And we are now slowly wiggling from side to side on a slow stupid love song, father and daughter, embraced into a loving gesture. And along the way, I prop my forehead on his shoulder and sigh lightly, being able to feel at ease for once in a long time.

"How are you, kiz?" is the first thing he says to me ever since we started dancing.

"I am good, dad."

He pulls his shoulder away and obliges me to look at him. "Don't you lie to your old man."

"I am not lying." the thing is that in this very moment, I really am good.

He smiles lightly. "Come on, Rose. Nothing goes away in two weeks. Especially a thing like that."

"But it will go away." and he looks at me suspiciously. I lightly roll my eyes. "I'll survive it if that is what is worrying you, dad."

"Sometimes surviving it is the hardest thing of all, kiz."

I need to gulp hard at his words and I place my head back on his shoulder. "Oh, dad. Please don't make me cry in public." I say on the verge of tears.

"Oh, kiz. I didn't mean to do that." he says squeezing me tighter. "I just want you to know that we are here for you, okay?"

"Mhm. I know."


Later on, I was dancing and fooling around the dance floor with Mason, as we would always do at school dances, when someone announced us that the throwing of the bouquet was going to take place. I decided not to go, but the desperate to marry women around there wanted to have more competition. Aka other women to trample on in the process of throwing themselves after the bouquet. Where is the fun in that thing after all? So, they took me there against my will. I went to the back of the group and I crossed my arms, showing them that I really didn't want to be there. But they were all so excited and so ready to prey on the others in order to get that damn bouquet, that they didn't observe the disapproval in my eyes.

When Lissa finally threw the bouquet, after some teasing, the women began to scream and jump excitedly around me. I didn't move a single muscle. I was sitting strong in my position, protesting. But the bouquet was heading right towards me. And it was going to land exactly on my face. So I extended my hands to catch it. I wasn't going to make a fool of myself and let it hit me, not around so many people, duh. Everybody around cheered and clapped their hands. I instantly looked at Lissa, the only familiar face close to me. She gave me a little embarrassed smile and I pretended to be really happy for my success and began to wave the bouquet left and right, bragging about my success. Eh, I could at least pay back those women who dragged me there in the first place.


When the wedding was over and the two love birds have gone to their well-deserved honeymoon (well, that would be just two days spent away from this town, but still, for them, that is enough as long as they are together), I went up to my parents, catching up with them just before getting into a taxi and head to their hotel. I announced them that I was going to get back home with them the next day. It was a spontaneous decision; it just came to me some minutes before. As I said, there doesn't seem to be anything that could make me stay here. So no reason to stay is a good enough reason to go, right? And these streets are only bringing up memories, so why should I torture myself by remaining here? Going back home is as good as going anywhere else.

What surprised me most was that nobody argued with my decision and didn't ask me any further questions as I initially expected to. The only question I got was from my dad: "Are you sure about this, kiz?" and all I did was to nod, even though I wasn't that sure. Not even my mother became inquirious, which was something new for me. But I guess that she sensed that something was still wrong with me. But again, I bet everyone could see I was still a little off. What can I do? I can't help it. A big part from me is missing and I can't get used to that. And for the whole ceremony and the after party, from time to time she would come to me and ask me if I was alright and she kept on saying that, despite our turbulent past, I can always talk with her if something is bothering me. Well, this was something new, coming from her after so much time. Who knew that she still had those motherly instincts, huh? And plus, it was a total miracle when I didn't get the 'I told you so' speech from her that I so expected to come the first time she got the chance. But maybe she is not that merciless after all.


DPOV begins

What bothers me most is that no matter what I do, I can't find Nina. Or what other name she has, because I think I have looked at every Nina's and almost every woman's photo in this damned town, but none of them resembles the one woman I woke up next to, not even a little. The next thing I can do is to search the whole world for her. If it is what it takes, I'll do this too. It's the last thing that remained for me to do. But it seems that for now, Nina disappeared into thin air. Tasha must have thought about it all and played her cards just right this time. There is not a single thing that she missed, something no matter how small that I could cling to. And no matter how much pressure I would put on her, she wouldn't let out a single word about this. I have done everything I could think of to make her break, made her life unpleasant in so many ways, took so many things away from her, but she just took it all and she would always tell me that she is innocent. But the look in her eyes tells me otherwise. She appears to be so proud of what she did.

And on top of all, if things weren't going bad enough already, Rose is leaving town tonight. From what my men have found out, she is going along with her parents back to her hometown. I don't know if I will see her ever again. So I have to see her one last time. I need to talk to her one last time. I want to make her understand this entire thing that happened. Maybe after these two weeks, she would have it in her heart to make some sense of this all. Maybe she will take my explanation now because the last time I told her everything she didn't want to believe me. She just took as a lie everything I told her and didn't want to try to believe anything that I told her. She thought that I was trying to impress her with my story about Viktoria, but that was the truth. I know I promised my sister not to tell anyone what happened, but I couldn't lie to Rose. She called me that night crying and asking me to help her. For some time she has been seeing someone and for some reason, she was in town when she called me. And she got in trouble with that guy. I didn't really understand what it was all about because she was kind of reticent with the subject, but seeing her in that state was enough for me. She is my sister and I would do anything for her. Especially hunting that guy down and breaking that bastard's face. She asked me not to tell anyone, but Rose is an exception. She always has been. But Rose needs to understand that I would never have done such a thing to her. Not then, not ever. I would never do anything to hurt her. But I don't blame her. I was caught in "the act". I have no idea how I could allow myself to end up in that situation in the first place, I hate myself for letting my guard down, but she saw what she saw. She has a good reason to doubt my words. Any person being in her place, they wouldn't have reacted differently. It is what it is. For now, I can't do anything about it.


It's about seven when I reach the place she has been renting for the last two weeks. And I hear her before I get to see her. It's her sweet laughter. It fills the cold air outside. And she sounds really happy. Being here now doesn't seem such a good idea all of a sudden. Seeing me would only sadden her, just like the time when I passed in front of the coffee shop she was working in. She was smiling to one customer when her eyes landed on me and in an instant, her whole face crumbled. And I can't bear to see that look on her face again. I can't take this happiness away from her. I still remember how hard she was crying that morning when everything fell apart, and I just can't keep on reminding her about it by showing up.

Instead of going to her I resume watching her go. It's better for her this way. I stop about a block away and put myself out of sight between some half-empty trees. I might look like a stalker to someone passing by, but I don't care. I really tried to keep my distance, but now I just have to see her. One last time, until I will have something to show her.

The sun has already begun to set and I watch three persons as they are carrying some boxes to a car. The two others get back inside but she remains outside, leaning over the car, her phone in hand. She is wearing a large jeans overall and a sweater. Her hair is a beautiful mess as always, falling in waves on her small shoulders. I can't really catch her whole expression, but from what I can see in this dim light, there is still a smile on her face. God, I missed seeing her. I do every single day.

All of a sudden her head rises and turns exactly my way, like she could feel I was looking at her and I freeze in place. Did she see me? She keeps on looking in my direction then takes some steps forward, heading my way.

"Rose?" a woman asks and she stops and turns on her heels and this is my cue to leave. "Where are you going? You were supposed to come and get your backpack."

"What? Oh, nowhere. I thought I saw something." she says and takes another glance towards the place I was a minute ago. "Sorry, mum. It's just that Lissa sent me a text telling me that the baby is kicking again and I got caught up with that." she turns around and goes back.

DPOV ends

This whole Dimitri thing going on in my mind has to stop and this needs to happen fast. Like now if possible. Because I think that I am beginning to go crazy. Besides the fact that I would constantly find something around to bring me back some silly little memory of him, I have lately begun to see him around too. Yeah, crazy, I know. I think that I have to make a booking for the nuthouse soon. Just before I again thought I saw him somewhere along the tree line in the neighborhood, just like I thought I saw him last week passing by the window of the coffee shop. It looked like some ghost hiding among the dawn's shadows. But maybe it was just my imagination playing stupid games with my mind. It's weird that I have known him for so little time and still, he was present in so many aspects of my life. In such a short time he has become so much for me.

We are about to head home and I am somehow excited. Somehow, I am not. I have always wanted to get away from that place, but the thought of getting back doesn't seem as bad as it always had anymore. I guess that being away from my parents for so long made me realize that I actually care for them so, so much. And they don't seem so bad anymore. Maybe being with them is what I really need right now. Maybe I need to reconnect with who I was before. And maybe I changed, maybe they did, who knows, but things are surely different now. As they helped me pack my things all day long, we talked and laughed and it seems that everything got back to how it was some years ago. And it isn't just some crappy pretending just to make me feel less miserable. A miracle happened all of a sudden and somehow, we are again a jolly gang, just like we used to be when I was little. The things aren't that tensed up between us anymore and I simply love it. I knew that my father began to frequent more home lately and maybe, without me, the troubled young around to bring up reasons for disputes, they had the time to do things together, to talk, I don't know. Hell, I never thought that being away from each other would actually make us that much good. Knowing that, I think I would have left sooner.


And here I am, into the backseat of my parents' car, heading farther and farther away from the town. We have been driving for the past fifteen minutes, and as the car gets farther, the lump at the bottom of my stomach doesn't go away. Nothing washes away, nothing feels better, nothing feels like I hoped it would, my heart doesn't get lighter. On the contrary. Everything feels way worse.

You are doing the wrong thing by walking away! No, I am not. Lissa is right. Maybe it doesn't feel right for the moment, but one day when I will look back, I will know I did the right choice.

I take my phone out and access the site of the magazines around here. I am looking for a specific cover. And I find it. My reason to leave. The photo of Dimitri and Nina, together. But then, I mindlessly scroll through the covers of the magazine, trying to distract myself, and I get back in time, day by day, looking at people I don't know for a couple of minutes. Until I see two familiar faces. Until I stumble over the photo of Dimitri and I at that charitable dinner.

And this single photo brings back thousands of memories.

"Wasn't your birthday on Saturday? I got you something."

"What friends? Those fake kiss-asses? They are not even my acquaintances. They just know Tasha. I'm good here with you, thanks."

"You don't need the makeup. You are beautiful without any aid, Roza." - "You are so beautiful right now that it hurts me."

"I'm sorry for kissing you without permission, Rose. It was wrong for me to do so." he passes his hand through his hair and his hair tie falls on the floor, setting free his sable strands. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I really wanted to know how that feels."

His hand finds mine and entangles our fingers, and then he softly kisses my forehead. "I'll go slowly. Tell me if you want me to stop. I don't want to hurt you."

At some point, he turns to his side, takes me into his embrace, turning me to face his chest. He entangles our legs, dissolving the distance between us and then kisses my temple. The connection between us feels amazing. I can't tell where I finish and where he begins. There is just one of us now. He tells me a word in his native language and kisses me again. I don't know what he said, but it sounded simply perfect. In that position, I happily fall asleep encircled by his warmth.

"Rose." He puts one hand over mine. I stop and look at him. "You don't have to leave."; "I'm sorry, Dimitri, but what?"; "You just simply stated a truth. An ugly truth, but still. You are right." he said passing a hand through his hair, looking somehow guilty. "And Tasha won't bother you anymore. She won't be coming around here any time soon."

"You are the most beautiful woman in here. They can't abstain themselves not to look at you. Simple as that."

In a slow movement, he gets his palm on the middle of my bare back and drags me closer to him, gluing my whole body to his. My breath comes to a halt as we make contact. It feels amazing. I get my hand up on his arm, getting my palm close to the nape of his neck and without any conscious thought, I go even further and place my cheek on his chest, not being able to let this occasion pass either. I might have taken it too far because his breath comes to a halt too for a second, being probably surprised by my gesture, considering that all I do on a usual is to try to get away from him, but he doesn't do or say anything for that second. Then, he just relaxes and lets that breath go out through his mouth.

''Good morning, Rose. I ordered you breakfast. I didn't know what you would like so I choose different things. I hope you'll enjoy some of them. I will get back around two. Have a good day."

"You are right. I can't see you around Adrian because I am jealous."

"God, Roza. Can't you see that I only love you? No one else. Just you."

"Oh, Roza. I would like for everyone to know that you are mine."

"Look. I know I have a history. I am not proud of that now and I am sorry. I have done things I wish I could take back, but I can't. But believe me when I say that you are my one and only, Roza. I love you. Do you understand? You, and only you."

"You need to know that I wouldn't have regretted that, Roza. Never. Not even for a second. I would have taken care of you and our baby. Can you imagine a little you running around our home? It would have made me very happy, Rose."

"Rose," he says squeezing my hands "there is no other woman. Not now, not ever. I don't need anyone except you. You are more than I could ever wish for."

"Roza, have I ever lied to you?" I shake my head no. "Then trust me when I say that there is no one else. No Nina, no one. Just you. It will always be you and no one else. Ever."

"What about your no ring policy, comrade?" I ask jokingly. His expression changes slightly, becoming a little more serious, and he extends his hand to put some strands of my hair behind my ear. "Not with you, milaya. Never with you." and he caresses my cheek gently with his fingers. "There is no policy when it comes to you."

"You can't know that, Rose. But you could believe me."

Yes. I could believe him. I do believe him. Because: "The Dimitri I know wouldn't do such a thing." I mumble more for myself.

"Did you say something, honey?" my mother asks and when I don't respond to her, she doesn't insist.

I thought that there is nothing more that could hold me here. But I was so wrong. There is. Dimitri is the one. He is the reason. He still is. He will always be. And if I run away from it now, I will end up running away from it forever. I must deal with it. I feel like I am about to do the biggest mistake of my life by not trusting him, by leaving, by not giving him the reason of doubt, by simply ignoring everything else that he has ever said or done and resume to only seeing him as the worst person ever walking this earth. And this has to mean something. People often tell that you should trust your gut feeling. And my gut feeling is telling me that I am so fucking stupid to go away without seeing him one more time and that I need to do something to make things right. I need to face it. I need to grow a pair and not run away from it. It's now or never.

I sit in silence for the next five minutes, trying to think about what I should do, but all I can think of is him and all the moments we have spent together.

I take one more look at the picture on my phone. As I was looking around the ballroom, Dimitri had his head slightly turned towards me and his eyes were pinned on me, only on me, looking at me just like he did when we were upstairs, with that glint in his eyes. And on his lips, there is a slight smile that still makes my knees go weak. Gosh, there is so much love into that glance of his and I was just too blind to see it. Again. Again, I have proven how blind I am to everything that is going on. But as I look at it some more, the wall of hate that I so carefully built these past weeks breaks in a second and turns to dust. How could I do such a thing? How could I be so unfair to him? How could I not believe him? How could I not see past everything? How could I forget his loving look, his loving words, and his unspoken promises? How could I forget everything he ever did for me? How could I look past every good thing that happened between us? How could I forget that even when he didn't owe me anything he still didn't do anything with other women? Gosh, I fucked things so bad! I need to make them right. It may be already too late. And I decide it's now, not never.

"Yes, I did say something, mum. Stop the car."

"What happened? Are you sick again? Do you feel like puking or something?" my mother gets worried.

"No, I am not sick. Just stop the fucking car!" I say breathing heavily and in a minute they pull over on the side of a field.

My father turns into his chair and faces me too. "Hey, Rose. What is the matter?"

"I can't go." I say laughing lightly.

"What?" they both ask looking at me like I would be crazy as hell.

"I can't go away. I don't want to go away."

And my parents react way different. My father's expression fills with understanding, while my mother's fills with confusion. "Are you sure?" he asks.

"Yes." I am surer than ever.

He nods lightly. "Fine. If that is what you wish, let's take you back."

"But-" my mother wants to protest, but my father cuts her short by placing a hand over hers.

"We're taking Rose back." and with this, the subject is closed. He revs the engine and makes his way back into town. Thanks dad. You're the best.


Much fuss and about an hour later, I am back into the studio apartment I have just left, with all of my things piled up against the walls around the entering and I convinced my parents that they can go on their way. I had to practically push them out the door, in fact. They worried enough for me already and they need to get back home anyway.

I plop on the sofa I so many times fell asleep on because I was way too tired to get myself into the bed that is just two meters away, and I look at nothing in particular. What should I do now? What if… This question is haunting me. There are so many possibilities. I lay down on one side and get a hold of the first thing I find and take it into my embrace, trying to get myself warmer. It is Dimitri's sweater. I bury my nose into the soft material and even after so long, it still keeps his familiar scent on it. And sooner than expected, my attention focuses on the only thing that made me come back. Dimitri. And I decide that I can't sit on my ass anymore. I have to do something. I just can't leave things like this. And I finally know what I have to do.

In less than a minute I get out of the building and hop into the first cab I find. But the fucker doesn't want to take me because, as he put it, the ride is too short. I could make all the way there on foot and arrive in fifteen minutes. In fact, it doesn't take you that little, I know better, but I don't have the time to argue with him. I don't have so much time to walk there either. I promise to give him double the amount and he finally accepts to take me to my destination.

"So, where are we heading again?"

"Belikov Enterprises please." Why did I say that? I have no idea. Call it another gut feeling.

As the man drives, he begins to babble about some things that happened today in traffic and supposedly jammed like half a town. And I am not able to put my thoughts in order as he is still speaking.

"Oh my God just shut the fuck up and drive. This is why I am paying you!" and I am very surprised to see that he actually shuts up instead of throwing me out the moving car. We finally arrive and before I get out, I pay him triple the amount of money. I was a bitch without reason and I feel really sorry. But I can't help it. I am anxious as fuck.


So here I am. The building seems deserted and it is almost all dark. It's already past nine. Is he still in here? Should I have gotten to his apartment instead? Maybe that would have been a better idea. I look up and I don't see many offices lit up. There are not many people staying late today. Maybe a total of eight lit windows. And his office is not. Fuck it, I am going to try anyway. Maybe if I don't find him in here, this would be the universe's way of telling me that I shouldn't be looking for him in fact. That I have gotten here way too late. That I have done the wrong thing again.

I enter the building and the night guard looks at me suspiciously. He's new. I greet him and he nods, then simply lets me walk on my way, without much questioning about my late visit. Weird, but I don't have time to lose with pointless conversations anyway. I make my way towards the front desk and there is no one there, obviously. But it's nice to see that Sydney is still working here. I wonder how things between her and Adrian are working. The last thing I know is that he asked her to move to Russia with him and she was very excited about that. But well, not so many things can change in two weeks.

I get to the elevator and I have to wait for it to descend from the 36th story. I am nervous and I keep on pushing that damn button in the hopes that this fucking thing would descend faster. I would take the stairs but fifty stories are a real challenge right now. 3...2...1...Ding! Finally! It took an eternity for it to arrive. The doors open slowly and I see a someone in a suit and with long hair inside. My heart skips a beat at his sight. I am not ready for this. He was supposed to be upstairs. But this man's head rises from his phone and he looks at me. It's not him. This guy doesn't even compare to him.

I change places with him and press the button for the 50th floor. As the elevator ascends painfully slow I take a look in the mirror in there. No wonder the night guard was looking at me like that. I look like a semi-homeless person. I am wearing this loose jeans overall and a black sweater that is two numbers bigger than my usuals. My hair is all over the place and I uselessly pass my hand through it several times, trying to make it sit in one place. Lastly, I wipe away my smeared mascara with the insides of my palm. I take one last look in the mirror as the elevator gets to the 47th floor. I had better days, that's sure. But well, there is no going back now. It won't matter how I look, but what I have to say.

The elevator stops and I get out. God, this is so hard. My palms are all sweaty and I need to keep on wiping them on my thighs. I slowly place one foot in front of the other and make my way into my former office. Nothing seems to have changed around here. All of my things are exactly where I left them. Even the calendar is still on the day I last was here. I never really came to take my belongings. There was nothing I needed from here. I take another look around and spot the frame on my desk. It contains a photo with all of us at Paul's anniversary, big smiles on our faces. I look at each of the persons in the picture and remember all the nice moments we spent together. I love Dimitri's family so much. They are such nice people. Even his grumpy psychic grandmother that gave me the chills.

"You need to trust him, Rose. No matter what." Yeva's words suddenly ring through my head and I can even feel her tight grip on my wrists, that vivid is my recalling. "Nina." and these are the last words she said to me before we left. Gosh, how could I forget about this thing? Even she knew! I was the only one who couldn't see it. And now, more than ever, I need to see Dimitri and make things right.

I put the picture back down and get closer to the door that might separate us tonight. I knock first. But nothing happens. So here is my sign from the universe. Maybe I shouldn't have come here after all. Maybe it's too late for me to make things right. Dimitri must be so mad at me for not believing him. I take a step back and then I hear it. His wonderful voice saying ''Get in''. I take a deep breath, wipe the insides of my palms on the rough material of my jeans once more and open the door slowly, without making a sound. I cover the distance between us with uneasy steps and all of a sudden, as I reach his desk I come to a halt as if there is an invisible wall stopping me from getting any further. What am I even doing here? What does he owe to me now? What can I ask from him after what I said to him? How could he forgive me for that?

He sighs profoundly. "What happened now?" he asks, tiredness filling his words. My stomach knots as I hear him speaking so close to me. I get dragged back to the first day I saw him, when he was speaking with me in that cold imposing tone. This is the voice he uses now too. And even though there are no more than two meters between us, it feels like we are thousands of kilometers apart and I am not able to reach him. How could I? I am the one who created all this distance between us and no matter how much he tried to get closer to me, I kept on pushing him away.

I don't answer to him because what can I say to him? There are so many thoughts inside my head but none of them finds their way out my mouth. Plus, I am way too preoccupied with admiring him in this wonderful dim light, the shadows of this darkened room perfectly falling on his tall figure. I missed seeing him so, so much. He is wearing a pair of dark pants and a white shirt that is now wrinkly after a day of work. I can't completely see his face, just the left part of it, but I'll take what I get. His face still has that sharpness at his jaw and it seems to me that he is moving his lower jaw left and right as he would always do when he is irritated. He didn't get rid of that habit. Not that that would be possible in two weeks. But stupid or not, I often wondered if he changed somehow. Maybe there is something different about him now. I felt the need to cut my hair. Who knows? Maybe he did too. But who am I kidding? He didn't cut his hair. His beautiful, silky chocolate hair is still there, tied into a perfect ponytail at the nape of his neck. He passes his long fingers through it and some shorter strands escape from the clasp. And from where I am standing, with the short strands messily arranged around his profile, he looks more handsome than ever.

He is leaning over the right wall of the room, next to the gigantic window, one hand in his pocket now, in his other hand holding a half-empty glass of some brownish liquid and he is stirring it with short circular movements, then takes the last sip.

"Aren't you-" he turns my way and his eyes widen. "Roza?" he asks tilting his head slightly, frowning lightly, his voice changing from cold to that sweet sound he always used when he was calling me like that. God, no one called me like that for so long.

DPOV begins

It's her. She is here. No, this can't be.

I often dreamt about her coming back. Every day, I used to imagine that one of the hundreds of little spots entering this building I see from up here would be her and that, somehow, she would be coming back to me.

But seeing her here now, it seems unreal. She is dressed in the same clothes I saw her earlier this day and this only must be just a figment of my imagination. I usually have the impression I see or hear her around here. Yes, it must be my imagination. She is on her way to parents' home in reality. She is now far away in fact.

I blink a couple of times, trying to get a clearer image of what is in fact in front of me, maybe I am just really tired, but still, even after that, here she is, standing in front of me now.

Is this even real?

Please be real.

But if this is for real, the question is why she is here? What drove here to come here now?

DPOV ends

Slowly, he comes closer to the bureau and places the glass on it. Then he takes one more step forward and gets in front of me. There is not much space keeping us apart and I want for it to dissolve as fast as possible.

"Dimitri" I whisper, not finding any words to say. What can I say? What do I want to say right away? There are so many things I want to tell him.

"You're really here." he says softly and brings his arm up. Then, his fingers gently brush my cheek, moving so slowly towards my lips, like I'd be made from thin glass and he is afraid I'd break. And the thing is that I do break under his touch. I break out in tears.

I get my arms around his torso and pull him closer to me and bury my face in his shirt, holding on to him for dear life. "I am so sorry, Dimitri." I try to say between sobs. He doesn't hesitate, not even for a second and his hands begin to caress my back. And for a second, everything gets right in my world again.


Until Thursday, lots of love!