The girls have come over to watch the game; even some of the kids are here too. Carole-Lyn brought her four and Maureen brought her daughter. It is so much fun and a great distraction from the stress of the game. I hate that I'm not in Philly to watch it live. The guys really need to win this game to get back into it. If not, they'll be down 3-0 in the series. Sidney was trying to downplay it but I know it's essential to win the game. We keep talking about nonsense as we watch the pregame coverage but we are all waiting for the game to begin anxiously. It's worse than it's ever been, the waiting, and I am not handling it well. Vero glances at me periodically and I know she's feeling the same way. Collectively, we are a mess. We may not physically be on the ice; but, we are right there with our guys.

The game starts and we are riveted to the TV screen. Less than four minutes into the game, Jordan gets a goal. Heather is ecstatic. It is exciting for us all. Lots of high fives and hugs are shared all around. The celebration doesn't last long because Max scores and then Briere scores twice. Shit, we are down 3-1 now. This is horrible and we're all depressed; but, the world doesn't crash down on my head until twelve minutes in, that's literally when the world crashes in on me.

Twelve minutes into the first period, there is a scuffle at the net. Sidney tries to poke the puck in and doesn't stop until the whistle blows. Some of the Flyers, Giroux in particular, don't like it and pull Sidney away. There is some pushing and shoving but no punches thrown. Thank God. While they're waiting for the refs to talk, Sidney knocks Timonen's glove away from him when he bends to pick it up. A few seconds pass and Timonen approaches Sidney; I can see them exchanging words and then Sidney lashes out. That's when the world crashes in on me. Giroux grabs Sidney and the two begin to throw punches. I'm on my feet in an instant and watching them. I am in shock; the only thought in my head is how this will affect his concussion. The fight is in slow motion for me. They pull and push at each other each trying to get an arm free. Sidney punches Giroux in the nose. Giroux slips one under Sidney's guard and hits him square in his cheek. As Sidney's head snaps I actually scream. The two of them go down and I think I scream again but I'm not even conscious of my actions. When Sidney gets up and skates to the penalty box, I finally come back to the present and sink onto the sofa. I'm shaking uncontrollably, it's more than a shivering this time, I am shaking hard and can't stop. Vero and Heather are on either side of me and I can hear them talking to me but just can't focus on the words. I'm watching Sidney in the penalty box. He wipes his face and takes a drink. It all seems normal enough and he looks ok but I just can't seem to stop shaking. Concussion symptoms never occur right away. That's why guys can go back to the game and it can make it worse. As I begin to come back more to the present, I notice that he has a cut on his face then I begin to think. Why was he provoking anyone? Doesn't he realize that this could reinjure his concussion? One more concussion this close to his other injuries could but him out for good or cause even worse injuries that could affect his very life.

I'm still shaking and it's getting worse the more I think about the fight. Why would Sidney have done this when he's been through so much? How could he fight, actually let someone throw punches at his head, with so much of his health still on the line? I can't stop shaking. One bad hit to the wrong part of his head and he could be seriously injured right now. That's not an overstatement, I know from all of my research that the wrong hit or another bad concussion and it could affect his very life. I've been able to keep it out of my mind for a while, a long while, but he seems to be taking more chances in the last two weeks. It almost seems, well, reckless. I'm continuing to shake. I register Vero, or is it Heather, rubbing my arms up and down but it doesn't seem to help. Vero pulls me up and I follow her blindly. She pulls me out of the family room and into the kitchen. She sits me down at the kitchen table and gives me a bottle of water. I'm just looking at it and finally come back to the present completely. I take a sip of water and look at her. "You've stopped shaking Ang, are you feeling better?" I look at her "is Sidney ok?" She takes my hands "Ang, he is fine, he is just fine." How does she know? I guess she sees the look on my face. "Ang, let me go to the TV and see, ok?" I nod and just sit there. I couldn't move if I tried.

The wait seems incredibly long, a lifetime, until she comes back. "Sidney is fine. He is on the ice and seems exactly normal. He does have a cut on his cheek but it's superficial and doesn't even need stitches." I close my eyes for a moment and take in what she has said. Vero puts a tissue in my hand and I look at it confused. She takes it back and pats my cheeks to wipe the tears that I didn't know were falling from my eyes. A sob escapes my lips before I even know that I'm crying. I'm sobbing now and V puts her arms around me and pulls me to her. I can't catch my breath. I continue to sob and she rocks me in her arms. Finally, I begin to slow down and catch my breath. When I know I'm finished, I sit up and occasionally hiccup. I walk over to the kitchen sink and pat my cheeks with a cold cloth. Cleaning up my eye makeup, I make sure that I'm presentable and, except for the red eyes, no one would know that I've been crying.

I sit back beside V. "Are you ok now?" she asks me. "Yes, thanks Vero; I appreciate the help. You should go back in and watch. I'll be ok. I'm just going to clean up in here. I can't watch anymore." She looks at me closely and finally nods. When I'm alone, I begin to clean up the mess in the kitchen. I can't stop seeing it over and over in my head. Giroux's fist connects with Sidney's cheek and Sidney's head snaps back. I shake my head and focus on the dishes I'm washing. I get a flash of the scene again; Giroux's fist connects with Sidney's cheek and Sidney's head snaps back. I drop the dish in the sink but thankfully it doesn't break. I pick it up again, rinse it and put it on the drying rack. I get another flash; Giroux's fist connects with Sidney's cheek and Sidney's head snaps back. I lean down with my head between my knees and try to stop hyperventilating.

I catch my breath in time for the girls coming into the kitchen. I look at them and know that we lost. Damn, the series is now 3-0. Everyone is sad as they gather their stuff to go home. I say goodbye to everyone except Vero who stays behind. We sit at the kitchen table. "Vero, how could he do it? How could he get into a fight and blatantly risk another concussion? I understand that he needs to play which means hitting and being hit; but, getting into a fight is just reckless, absolutely reckless. It's more than a knee sprain or broken ankle. Another brain injury could mean serious injury affecting his life outside of hockey too." I end it on a sob. Vero holds my hand and I manage to pull it together. "I know Ang. I know. When he gets home, it will be better, I promise. It's horrible when they have bad games and are away. It's horrible for them and it's horrible for us. It will be better when he walks in the door." We talk a little more and she leaves. I give her a hug and thank her. I'm very lucky to have her as a friend. I also decide to talk to Sidney when he gets home. If the last few weeks have taught me anything, it's that we need to talk to each other more. We can make each other feel better like I did for him after the last game. I figure that I'll have to wait until after the second game in Philly when he comes home until I get a text from him saying that they are coming home. They have decided to get back to Pittsburgh after such a tough game. So here I wait, on the sofa, for Sidney to come home so that we can talk.


The plane ride home is brutal. We had to go back to the hotel to pack first because we had intended to stay in town before the second game. After such a bad and crazy game that was completely out of control, and being down in the series 3-0, Mario and Ray figured that we should come home to get ready for the second game. We are all silent on the plane. The trainers are passing around ice and hot compresses for all of our aches and bruises. I am so sore and am wrapped up with a few ice packs myself. The suspicion is that Nealer and Addsy may get disciplinary action and Asher definitely will. We could be without all three of them for the next game. There was over 150 penalty minutes handed out, Tanger, Asher and Addsy were all thrown out of the game at different points and Flower was replaced by Johnny for the third period. I have never been involved in a game like this in my professional or amateur career. The worst part of it wasn't on the ice, it was after the game when Mario took me aside and told me he was disappointed in me. He wasn't pissed because I didn't play well; he was pissed because I got into a fight. He was pissed because I put my 'health on the line.'

I'm really glad we're going home today. I need my own bed and my own things; most of all, I need my Angel. We land and still say nothing to each other. It's like we all want to forget it ever happened. The drive home is interminable. At least it was an afternoon game so we're home early. I get home and sigh. I can't wait to see Angelia. I dump my bags at the bottom of the stairs and make my way into the kitchen. She's not there but I hear the TV so I make my way in and see Angelia on the sofa. She has a blanket on her, a Kleenex box beside her and used tissues all around. "Are you ok?" I ask her. She shakes her head and now I'm concerned but I really don't want to deal with this right now. The day has been one of the worst I've ever had and I just need my Angel to take care of me.

"Sidney, what was going on today?" That wasn't exactly what I was expecting form her. "What do you mean Angelia?" She pauses a beat and then says "the fight with Giroux. What was going on with the fight with Giroux?" Now I'm worried, she doesn't want to talk about the game, she wants to talk about the fight. I guess she agrees with Mario. I decide to play stupid and see if that's what she thinks. "What do you mean?" She looks at me. "You are aware that any hit to your head could cause another concussion and another concussion could end your career or even your life depending on how bad it is." Yeah, she agrees with Mario. "I know Angel but I'm fine and everything is ok. The doctors checked me out and made sure that I am ok. Everything is fine." "Sidney, you could have been really, really seriously hurt. How can you think everything is ok?" This is the last thing I need right now. I got shit from Mario; I don't need it from Angelia too. "Angelia, I'm fine. This kind of thing is going to happen. I don't get into a lot of fights but, as captain, sometimes I need to step up and lead by example. This is hockey. I'm going to get hit, I'm going to hit others and I'm going to get into fights." Seriously, I really don't need this right now. She wasn't playing, she doesn't understand.

"Sidney, I understand that you are going to hit and be hit. This wasn't part of hockey. This wasn't part of the game and this wasn't part of being captain. This was a fight and you threw the first punch at Timonen when you know better. You were the instigator." She gets up off the sofa. "You know what could happen if you get a punch to the head in the wrong spot and, for someone who has had two concussions, any spot could be the wrong spot. What the hell were you thinking?" Is she serious? Is she serious? "What the fuck Angelia? It was a hockey fight, this is playoff hockey and it's especially rough with the Flyers. It happened today and I can promise you that it will happen again." Now I'm standing facing her. "What do you mean its hockey? This isn't hockey; this is a fight and one that you started. What do you mean it WILL happen again? Don't you get how bad this could have been? Don't you even care how scared I am for you?"

How the fuck did this become about her? "This has nothing to do with you. Its hockey Angelia, it's the way hockey is played and it's the intensity of the playoffs. You know that, you've been around a year now and you know that it's the way hockey is played. It's a rough sport and sometimes I have to get involved in the rough side of it." "Sidney, I don't give a shit if it's the way hockey is played. It's not about hockey, it's about your health and your life and that makes it about me too!" She's yelling at me and I realize that this is the first time that I've ever heard her yell. Then I realize what she's saying. How can she think this is about her? How can she be so selfish? We are down three games in the series, we lost 8-4 and if we don't win the next game then the season is over. What would I have been working so hard for the last eighteen months for if not to play for the Cup? If she doesn't get that it's hockey, if she doesn't understand that then … "Angelia, it's hockey and that means that it will happen again. If you can't take that then maybe you don't get me and maybe you shouldn't be here!"

I can't take it anymore. She was supposed to make it better like she did after the last game not attack me. Doesn't she understand? She should after seeing a year here; seeing a year in my life. I have just had enough. I grab my keys and leave.