Chapter 54

Ok guys... Hi. I've been so busy these past few weeks but I reread and edited the entire story and made some changes. Most importantly, Chapter 48 and 49 are completely new ones and I deleted every mention of their second vacation so it never took place I'd already told you that I never liked it in the first place.
I've had this one as a draft for months and I'm happy that I'm finally able to post it since we now know her sister's cause of death for sure although I'd already somehow guessed all along that she'd slit her wrists. (What an emotional episode Route 66 was, by the way.)
Please ignore the weird empty lines my laptop put in the most inappropriate places. It also deleted all of my italic words which makes me quite angry too I hope you can imagine how they say things anyway. xoxo

"A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost."
-Amy Li

There are sounds you don't forget. Like the sound of your school bell, the intro of your favorite tv show as a child. Or your own scream ringing in your ears when you find your sister bleeding to death in your bathtub.

I read the words. 'I love you' and everything stopped. My heart missed a beat, I found just enough strength to locked the door behind me, sank to my knees and then to the floor in one movement. I couldn't breathe, the lump in my throat was too big. I stretched out my hands and tried to grab a hold of something in order to push me up, my eyes were full of tears. At first everything was blurry and then it vanished completely. I still couldn't get air, even though I gasped for it. Will must have heard my knees hit the wooden floor.
"Is everything alright?" He asked from the kitchen.
I tried to hold my breath and sound calm, then I decided not to answer at all but in the end I couldn't suppress the loud sobs that were uncontrollably coming out of my mouth. I heard something fall to the floor and shatter into pieces, then his steps on the stairs, he took two at a time. I didn't turn around, buried my face in my hands. The guilt had numbed every single muscle of my body.
"JJ?" He knocked against the door after having discovered that it didn't open, rather calm at first.
I pressed my hand over my mouth, trying to be quiet.
"Jennifer." He screamed, banging his fist on the wood.
I still struggled to breathe.
"I'll kick down the door if you don't answer me right away."
I took a deep breath. "I'm ok." I tried to say but my voice broke.
"Open the door." He demanded.
"I'm fine." I insisted.
"Then get away from the door." He called and stood in the room a moment later. "Oh my god, what happened?" The doorknob hit the wall after he had kicked it open.
I didn't reply.
"Do you need a doctor?"
I shook my head heavily. He sat down right next to me, wanting to pull me in his embrace, my usual remedy when I was having a pregnancy or not pregnancy related meltdown. I tried to slash around myself, struggled, yelled at him to go away. But he didn't. He let me slap him and didn't let go. His strong arms holding mine tightly around my chest from behind, ironically making it easier for me to get air, until I was eventually too weak and gave in. He relaxed a little. I let my head fall back and rested it on his shoulder, slowly starting to breathe frequently again, still sobbing.
"Can you please tell me what happened now?" He sounded almost angry.
"I forgot." I blubbered out, turning my upper body around so I could bury it in his T-shirt.
"Forgot what? What can I do?" He asked desperately.
Another wave of whatever it is that you feel while breaking down hit me. That moment when you can't feel anything, yet your heart feels like it's exploding, when you're crying so hard that you can't move your lips, no noise is coming out of your mouth and all you can do is close your eyes and wait for it to stop. I did. The pressure of his body helped to calm me down.
He noticed the open phone lying on the ground and grabbed it with one hand, the other arm was strong enough to remain the compression. He slightly turned his head, holding the phone up so he could see above mine that was crying on his shoulder.
I turned completely silent, not being able to move due to the way he was holding me.
I don't know what he saw or read. But if he saw what I had seen, he saw that I was the worst sister in the world. How could crying express what I was feeling, when I wanted to scream. How could screaming express my emotions when I wanted to hit everything that was unlucky enough to get in my way? How could punching express my emotions when I felt so numb, yet so. Damn. Guilty?
I kept my eyes closed even when the gasping had stopped and stared at the white wall. I could swear after a while it stared right back at me.
Will still had no idea what was going on but patiently remained in this position until I turned my head a little to get some fresh air.
"I forgot." I repeated.
"What?"
"My sister."
"Your... Um... JJ?" He was completely confused.
"Yes." The pain choked me. Silent tears kept streaming down my face. "My sister. Every year on her birthday I get a text from my mother that tells me that she loves me while I know that she really wants to tell her." I plunged my fingernails in his back until it hurt my hands. He didn't even flinch. "And today I forgot. That it was her-" more sobbing- "birthday."
"It's ok." He soothed my hair.
"No it's not! Once a sister, always a sister. You don't stop being a sister just because she was taken away from you. You just don't."
"I know. I'm so sorry."
"No you don't! You don't have any siblings and a mother that you don't want to see. You don't know what it's like to have a whole family." I regretted it the moment I said it.
He didn't answer.
"I'm sorry." I let go of him after a minute of silence, he released me, too. I wiped the tears away, leaving my sleeves almost as wet as his shirt.
"No, you're right." He wiped away another one that had almost made it down to my chin. "But you're still not a bad person for forgetting it. The frequency of remembering someone doesn't tell anything about how much you miss that person."
"I think about her almost every day." I swallowed hard.
"See. And she knows that. It's just that stupid pregnancy brain. It has nothing to do with you." His voice was so soft it melted in the air like butter on toast. "Remember last week when you spent half an hour looking for you sunglasses?"
"They were on my head." I sobbed and laughed at the same time.
"Besides, it's still her birthday. So it's not too late to remember. Do you want to bake a cake or something?"
I almost smiled a little but shook my head.
"Do you want to call your mom?" He stretched the phone out.
I shook my head again.
"How can I help you?" He pleaded.
I moved my legs so I could lie down on the floor and stretch them out. He did the same right next to me.
"It's been almost 20 years and I've never forgot her." I said blankly.
"She won't be mad at you."
"I wish she could meet him, you know." I folded my hands below my belly as if I could carry it, crying some more. It was my first crying session that was about her in what seemed like years.
"I know."
My head rested on his upper arm, I looked up at the ceiling. I couldn't tell whether Will did the same or creepily stared at me again like he sometimes did.
"Tell me about her."
"She was... She was like sunshine. As long as I can remember she was my best friend. She picked me up from pre school when my mom was working, taught me how to write. She was so proud when I was the first one in my class to know all the letters of the alphabet. On warm summer nights she drove our mom's bicycle, which was way too big for her, out to the fields and just left me somewhere on the floor and rode away. And the reason she did that was because I cried but when she came back to pick me up again half a minute later, I'd hug her really tightly and she said I'd never hug her like otherwise." I laughed a little. "I don't remember that of course but I can imagine it so well. I've never met anyone who loved hugs as much as she did. One time when I was like 3, we were out together and it was snowing and she took me for a walk with the sleigh. About 10 minutes away from home, I peed myself." This time it was Will who chuckled. "And she took off my pants and took off her coat and put my little legs trough her sleeves and wrapped it around me so I wouldn't freeze. She was only 9 and Pennsylvania winters are... Cold... And when she told me the story about 6 years later, I said thank you and she looked at me and said 'that's what sisters are for, right?'" More tears. "She never missed a science fair and I never missed one of her dance competitions. She stood up for me no matter what and even when she'd reached the age where younger siblings are annoying, I was her date to prom." The tears burnt in my eyes, it felt like someone had poured acid into my sockets but still made me watch the painful memories in my mind. I stared at the white paint and if it wasn't for Will's touch, I could have sworn I was 8 years old again, playing monopoly at 7am, careful not to wake up our parents. "But she had scars." I went on, serious. "Literally." I took a deep breath, I was shaking as I exhaled. "Scars she never showed anybody. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night and she was in my bed with me, wide awake. And when I asked her what's wrong she just said that she was afraid I might feel lonely. I knew that she was the one who felt lonely but I thought it would be enough to know that I was there. Then one night she came into my room and said she'll always love me, no matter what and gave me her necklace I'd secretly been jealous of for years. I was a child, I accepted the gift and went to bed. When I entered the bathroom the next morning she was lying in the bathtub, one hand was sticking out, there was a big vertical cut on it, blood everywhere and her eyes were simply... empty. I'd never seen so much blood before. The seconds it took my mother to check on me after I'd started screaming were enough for me to take a step closer and look at her lifeless body, the crimson red water that surrounded it. This world is cruel, there's no doubt about that and my mom was the most loving person you could think of yet it wasn't... enough."
"It's not your fault."
"It wasn't hers either." I snapped.
"I never said that." He apologized.
"It was the demon in her head."
He didn't answer.

We lay there on the floor for what felt like forever, not moving, not really talking, I'm not even going to rule out that I fell asleep in between.
My eyelids were heavy. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier about your mom. It's your own choice and I have to respect that." I said quietly.
"Henry Ward Beecher said 'never forget what a person says to you when they are angry'."
"Well Henry Jareau would have said please forgive an angry woman if she's pregnant."
He hesitated. "Is he gonna get your name?"
"Of course not." I shuddered, never having liked my last name. "He'll be a Henry LaMontagne." I joked.
"I like Henry."
"Henry Ward Beecher? What did he do?"
"No, silly, I mean the name itself."
I thought about that for a moment. I remembered reading about the meaning of it in some novel years ago. "I think it means ruler of the house."
"When you're around that'll certainly fit." He laughed.
"Yeah as if you'll be able to say no to him any more than you can to me."
"You're right. I hope he doesn't inherit your puppy eyes after all."
I giggled. More silence. I tossed the name around in my head, imagined me calling him to the dinner table or running after him to get him to brush his teeth. I thought about how it would look on his high school diploma, what he'd say on his wedding day, if I knew any famous serial killers that were called Henry. I obviously wasn't a profiler back then because the famous serial killer Henry Lee Lucas didn't cross my mind.
"What's going on up here?" He looked down at me, his head in his left hand, and stroked my forehead with his right index finger.
"Do we just decide that? Just like that?"
"What?"
"What name he's going to carry around for the rest of his life?"
"Hi baby." He sat up in front of my belly, pulled my shirt up and put his warm hands on it. "Do you wanna be called Henry?" I chuckled as he pressed his ear on it, waiting for a response.
"What's he saying?" I laughed.
"Not too much." He pursed his lips.
I took his hands and moved them a little so he could feel what I had just felt, tiny, still disproportional baby feet kicking against my skin.
"Hi baby." He said again. "Do you like Henry?" More kicking. "I do too." He kissed the opposite side where his head should be somewhere, his lips tickled my skin.
"Hi Henry." I joined their little conversation. "I wish I could kiss you too but that's rather difficult."
"I'll pass it on." Will volunteered, his head was back next to mine.
I did give him that kiss but didn't let go so he had difficulties passing it on.
The rest is silence.