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The thick wooden door made a thud as it closed, the weight of his body leaned against it in support. He was tired, no he was exhausted. It seemed as though every ounce of anything he had left within him was gone. He didn't care. He had nothing to give. He pushed off heading toward his old familiar friend…. his bed. His bed…not her bed…not their bed, but his bed. The same bed he had been sleeping in since he came to this god forsaken island nearly fifteen years prior. It was dark in his quarters with only the light from a full moon to guide his way to the hearth where he lit a fire. He was good at that, lighting fires, he thought as he used his flint stone to spark the kindling. Within moments the room glowed with warmth and the crackling and snapping of the burning wood was the only sound to be heard. He was glad for the moment that the thoughts and images of the past month eluded his mind…for at least awhile. He watched the flames dance. He rubbed his hands together then placed them, palms forward toward the fire as he balanced himself upon the balls of his feet. Moments passed as he stared deeply into the flickering flames before he pushed off and headed to the table.
As he stood looking down his fingers absentmindedly tapped on its service. Tristan carefully discarded his weaponry on the service, pulled off his tunic, draped it over the back of the chair then headed to his bed. He sat heavily on its edge, bracing elbows on his knees. Tristan's head slowly dropped till his chin rested itself on his chest. Soon long slender callused fingers rubbed his face repeatedly. He sighed and bit is lower lip as his body slowly drifted backwards on to the furs that covered his mattress. The scout stared at the ceiling for a few minutes trying desperately to free his thoughts of all that had transpired over the past few nights before lifting his right arm to cover his eyes. His right foot maneuvered to kick off one boot and he flung it forcefully, snorting as he heard it hit the top of the table then bounce to the floor. Off came the other then toes fiddled about until his socks lay on the floor beside his feet. His free hand moved to lie on his belly as the other dropped and hit a pillow. He exhaled out a breath that seemed to bellow up deep within his chest and was as though it would last a lifetime before coming to an end.
He began to reflect. Reflect over the past month which quickly had him reflecting to his past. His life. His life with Lorna.
He positioned himself at the head of the bed punching down his pillow more as a release than comfort. He plopped on his side tucking his left arm under the pillow as he braced his weight against the mattress with the fisted hand of his right hand. He stared at the emptiness before him. His nostrils flared and his nose crinkled. He gazed aimlessly then sighed. He thought of her, remembered the first night she shared his bed, this bed. His eyes closed as the memories, the very scent of her and the feelings flooded his mind and carried him away. Some things were clear, the lucid fragments of a dream, a conversation memories of how things once were between them.
"I love you girl." He whispered tenderly.
"And I you." She nuzzled her face in the crook of his neck as his fingers drifted through her silky strands.
There was a comfortable sweet silence between them as they enjoyed the tender touches they exchanged. He stopped fisting long strands of her dark hair within his fingers as he pulled her head upward to meet his.
"Lorna, why do you doubt me?" His voice was almost a whisper, deep and husky. "Have I not proven to you how much you mean to me?" He sighed. "Can you not trust that I love you, that you are everything to me?" He noted the expression of confusion that fell upon her brows. As he lowered his head to kiss her nose her eyes fluttered. "You know I am not the sort of man to show my feelings, but I do with you, completely and honestly." His fingers slid behind her ear cupping her cheek. "It isn't an easy thing for me to do either, you know this to be true, but with you I want to hold nothing back."
He paused lifting her chin up to meet her gaze so that he could lower his mouth to kiss her tenderly before he slid down so they would be eye to eye.
"You believe that somehow I do not desire your flesh." She was unsuccessful in her attempt to lower her head from his gaze. The crook of his finger held her head high. "Do you have any idea just how difficult it has been for me to not to take you?" He said as he pressed his forehead against hers. "All the restraint it has taken for me not to take you in my arms, rip every stitch of your clothing and enter you at my will, over and over again." He paused a brief moment as he kissed her eyelids, nose, then chin. Her fingers tangled in his hair as he laid his face on her neck he continued.
"This is important to me, can you not let me have this…your being pure on our wedding day… just this one thing that brings something normal to my soul. Will you not grant me this favor?" He paused as his breath hitched at her beauty as he kissed her neck once more. "Tis naught 'bout the promise I made to your father. I never intended to take you until our wedding day in the first place. Nay it is about the promise I made to myself when I decided to have you as my life mate. I would not have you until you were my wife." Kissing her neck soft a few more times before he continued
"Do you remember the day of the festival, when your mother spoke with you in your bedcham-…" He was stopped short of finishing his sentence by her.
"You were there?" She braced up on her elbows chuckling as she shook her head. "You are just everywhere….. hiding are you not my Sarmatian?"
"Anywhere you are, aye there I will be. Fulfills my need to be near you." He kissed the exposed soft skin just above her bodice neckline
"I am not the least surprised…. knowing you the way I do." She stated with a smile.
"You should not, at that." He replied before a more serious expression crossed his face "That night, when she spoke of Kai, and me. The things she spoke to you about me…." He let out soft saddened laugh, "…appears your mother knows me better than I know myself. Her words rang true, Lorna. Especially the part about you undoing what I have so long locked away." He sighed then shrugged. "I need you in my life." He rested his head on her firm breasts she looked down into his face and smiled softly. "I shall make these my new pillows, I think." He chuckled as he playfully lifted and lowered his eyebrows.
She stroked the soft whiskers of his beard with the tips of her fingers then laced his longest braid around her finger as they both let out a laugh followed by playful moans of delight. He caressed her forearm tenderly trailing his fingers from her wrist to her elbow then back again.
His eyes opened wide to once again face the cold emptiness that lay before him. He closed them again slowly, tightly allowing himself to remember.
She gathered herself from the floor where she had been slumped over weeping in the deepest despair. Lorna forced herself up so she was sitting with her legs tucked under her. Her head now pounding from all the weeping over shadowed the throbbing of her hand. She wanted to scream because the pain inside was excruciating. Lorna felt as though she had been stabbed deeply by one of his prized daggers, piercing her heart…her soul. She loved him so, loved everything about him. Every flaw in his entire being was beautiful to her. How could he betray her as he had just done? Sure they fought and fought often, but most couples did. Wasn't that normal?
She stood up, pressed the creases in her dress as her head tilted backward and sighed. Then it consumed here for the first time in her life. Fear. One tiny word that had many meanings. She finally knew what the word meant to her.
Yes fear, and the moment it happened she felt it. It hadn't been that hard to notice it because it was so unfamiliar to her. She felt it slowly spreading but at in the same moment quickly through her body. She could taste it in her mouth, it was cold almost metallic like the steel on a freshly sharpened blade. She tried to swallow but the lump rose in her throat. Air. She needed to breathe. Fear, it had taken hold of her. It had to have been there somewhere in the back of her mind, her heart just waiting to leap from the depths of darkness at just the exact moment when you least expected….or wanted it.
She startled herself to bring her mind focus. No matter how many thoughts of happiness of light….thoughts of love…thoughts of them….the fear seeped away. For the moment but she knew it would be back. She had seen it work that way…once fear came ….. it would always come back.
She walked slowly across the room to the hearth to the warmth of the fire standing dangerously close. She thought of how many times she had seen fear take over someone's life. She had witness how fear made a person do things that they would not normally do. Her head sunk low- back things, horrid things. Indeed fear planted seeds of doubt, anger, and nervousness. She sighed heavily for she knew that in a rush to get away from fear….you forget who you are... and what you know to be right and honorable.
She closed her eyes again, this time to fight back the tears that were welling. It was back-fear. It was overwhelming- like a sort of throbbing beat of your heart that overcame you. It was back. And with it there was a coldness, not the warmth she had known and she was left with the wild sense that she was truly alone. Solitary- she couldn't feel her body, except for the stabbing pain in her chest. It was a pain so complete that it caused her lips to part as though she was about to scream out but it was a scream that would not ever be heard.
She couldn't remember how or when she got there but she was suddenly laid across their bed upon the thick furs. She was alone still. So, so alone- she couldn't see even though her eyes were wide open. There was only darkness. She raised her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes desperately. She heard nothing. Nothing at all except the pounding within her chest. The sounds around her became distorted, silence, or perhaps there was just nothing in her world capable of making a coherent sound at this moment.
In time a whine fell from her lips, it was high-pitched as it rose from the silence within. It echoed off the darkness of the night, mocking her. And then there was nothing but silence again. A cold numbness. There was nothing but fear and her own silent mind. A mind, which refused to think of anything except for the depair. The ungodly silence—a silence to match the whispers of her aching heart accept for the moisture streaming from her eyes.
Somewhere in the space of time she had wept herself to sleep. It wasn't until the light of the early morn filtered through the windows casting its beams upon her lids did she stir. Her eyes opened, and she felt very cold. Everything about her was cold. Her skin had risen with gooseflesh, and she felt achy and brittle. Her entire body ached—ached more then she'd ever thought that it could. She found that her face was pressed into a soft pillow. It was white. The light, brighter, brighter as she snaked her hand slowly across the mattress longing for solace. For a moment she prayed to goddess that she was in her horrid dream again...only to have her hopes shattered as she found only the emptiness of their bed. Fear.
Lorna pulled his pillow close and tight to her body. Inhaled its aroma- his scent.
She was confused-dazed for a moment at the sound she heard. She thought for a brief moment it was in her chest- a pounding- a muffled pounding until she realized it was not coming from within her but rather from -
"The door!" She sprang from the bed running quickly as her heart raced and smile graced her lips. "Tristan," she whispered breathlessly. Then just as quickly as her heart soared it fell and she stopped dead in her tracks inches away from the entrance. She took a step back as another knock came. He would not knock at his own door. She thought quickly.
She took another step back and held her breath.
"Lorna," It was a familiar voice but not one of her husband. "Lorna, open the door."
It was Lancelot. Arthur's Second in Command.
TBC
