Athrana (Wandering Shadow)
Chapter 52- A Recurring Nightmare
TA3019, March 6th
Athriel looked around her and tried not to panic. She was here again. Here in this place of torture, here in the limbo she had lived in for so long. This isn't real, this can't be real, I escaped. It was a dream nothing more. She had had this dream so many times over the last few days, but the terror had not dulled. This place would always have power over her. Too much had happened here; too much had been taken away from her. This was where it had started, where she had lost so much of herself. She didn't want to be back here. She didn't want to live through that again. Then the laughter started.
No, this wasn't real, she had escaped. She was safe. She knew she was safe; she had fallen asleep between the twins. She did that every night now, just so that she could feel safe. They were watching over her, she knew that, but still the nightmare plagued her. Still she was here in this hell. "No. I won't do this" She glared defiantly at the creatures as they approached. She wouldn't go through this again. She wouldn't. This was her dream, this was her mind and she wasn't going to stand for it anymore. But the laughter continued. It reverberated through her brain again and again and till she forgot that she was safe, she forgot that this was a dream.
"Athriel?"
"Athriel, Wake up"
It was so hard to tell the passage of time down here in the dark. There wasn't a single part of her body that didn't burn with the poison they had inflicted upon her. There wasn't a single part of her body that they hadn't scorched cauterising her wounds to stop her from bleeding out. That wouldn't be any fun. They weren't going to let her get away that easily.
"Athriel, you're safe"
"Athriel, you're dreaming"
Time had no meaning now. She couldn't even guess how long it had been since she had seen the sky or breathed the forest air. There was no time before now, and there wouldn't be ever again. There was no past or future. There was only the present here in this hell. She had been here forever and she would remain here forever. She was in limbo, this place between life and death. Barely surviving and yet unable to die. She didn't know how many times she had begged for death only to hear their laughter. Please Mandos take me, she pleaded again to the Valar of the dead. Please let me die.
"Athriel, please"
"Athriel, we're here"
The words penetrated her mind finally. She knew those voices. She heard them in her mind rather than in the air of the cavern. That's because you are asleep, she reasoned. They are beside you whispering in your ear. You are asleep, lying safely between them.
"Elladan? Elrohir?"
There was no reply, but she didn't expect one, it had the desired effect. The laughter dimmed slightly. This was her dream and she could control it. She glared back at the creatures. "You're dead" she said "I've already killed you" She grabbed the ropes that suspended her from the ceiling. This was her dream. She pulled as hard as she could. The ceiling collapsed on top of her, she grinned.
Athriel pulled herself out from under the rubble. This was familiar. This was how she had felt when she had first escaped the cavern; this was how she had felt when she had gained her freedom. She was free. She turned her face to the sky and relished the sun on her face. She was free. Then it was dark. She stopped. She recognised this. No, she didn't want to be here. She felt the anger flowing through her. No, no, no. This is a dream, this isn't real.
"We're here"
"You're safe"
But they were still coming, the orcs were surrounding her and she had no weapon, all she had was the darkness inside her. Her hands were not hands, they were claws. Her teeth were not teeth, they were fangs. She set upon the things surrounding her and ripped them to shreds.
"Athriel"
"We're here"
Athriel ran as fast as she could from the carnage she had created. She ran and ran, but she wasn't going anywhere. The trees stayed in the same place as she ran. No, she had to get away, away from all this, away from the darkness.
"You're dreaming"
"Wake up"
This is a dream. This is a dream. She had to remember that. Out there in the real world she was safe, out in the real world they were with her.
Suddenly she was in Imladris. She was sitting in one of the gardens on a stone bench. She could hear footsteps approaching. She knew who it was. It was them. She looked down at her feet. There was a carcass there, a grotesque mangled body. And it was all her fault. "It's all your fault" she said closing her eyes. But it didn't come out the way she had meant it. She had directed the comment at herself but now they were standing tensely behind her.
"We could have saved you" one said, and unlike in real life, she didn't know which one had spoken. "But we did nothing" the other added. "We made you what you are" They continued back and forth "We made you a monster". She turned towards them with tears in her eyes. What were they saying? Then they were standing over her with knifes in their hands. They struck out at her as one. ""We could have killed you""
"Athriel, please"
"We're here, wake up"
This is a dream, this is a dream. But it didn't work. This may be a dream, but she didn't have control. She couldn't stop what was happening. Now she was back in the camp. The camp she had been in when she slept. She could see herself lying there between Elladan and Elrohir. She could see them trying to calm her, whispering into her ears, one on each side with tears in their eyes. She could see the others gathering around. She could see Estel, and there were his men. She could see Legolas and his Wizard love Nariel. Then there was Gandalf and a dwarf and hobbits and a great deal of other men. They were all watching her, or rather the other her lying there asleep.
Then it happened. She saw it in slow motion, the other Athriel threw the twins aside and then attacked the others. She watched herself in slow motion ripping them to pieces, all of them, friends and strangers alike. All her allies she ripped apart with her bare hands. She covered her face with her hands, she couldn't watch this. Then she heard it. "Athriel. Athriel, it's us" No "Athriel please" She looked up just in time to see the other Athriel move towards them. She was going to destroy the only thing that truly mattered in her life. No!
Then she felt it, another presence in her mind. She snapped awake. Nariel was standing over her with one hand on her head. She grabbed the woman's wrist just as she was about to pull away. "What did you see?" Athriel asked. "Enough" The woman replied. Then she was being pulled to her feet as the wizard dragged her away from everyone else.
