Olivia held Alex close as her sobs gradually subsided. She tenderly stroked Alex's hair and planted intermittent kisses on the crown of her head as Alex's body calmed, her shivering abating as she curled closer to Olivia, sticking her thumb in her mouth like she was a child. It was endearing in a way, but also sad. So sad. She gently pulled Alex's thumb away from her mouth and kissed it, smiling as Alex sighed and burrowed closer to her. "I love you, baby," she whispered, brushing away the remaining tears on Alex's cheeks. "I would do anything for you."

Content with the knowledge that she was safe and loved, Alex drifted off to sleep.


Alex rolled over to find Olivia's side of the bed empty. "Liv?" she whispered, a bit uncertainly. "Where are you?"

A low chuckle startled Alex and she jumped, turning toward the door. She shrieked when she saw her master, pulling Olivia up against him and holding a gun to her head. "You scream and she dies," he growled.

Alex's eyes were wide with fear. "Please," she begged. "Please, let her go."

"No," said her master, yanking Olivia closer to him. "Hit her."

"I can't!" wailed Alex, falling to her knees and sobbing, pleading for him to let Olivia go.

"Fine."

He pulled the trigger and Olivia fell, and there was blood, so much blood, so much blood . . .


Alex woke up screaming and thrashing around. Olivia sat up and took Alex's wrists in her own so Alex wouldn't injure either of them, and she spoke as calmly as she could. "Baby, it's okay. It's just me. I'm here. You're safe. Look at me, sweetie."

Alex's eyes flew open and she tensed, but then relaxed when she saw Olivia. "I'm sorry," she whimpered, her fear-filled eyes flickering up to meet Olivia's. "I'm trying so hard . . ."

"I know, baby. I know. It's okay. I know you're doing your best, and I'm here for you, no matter what." She tenderly rubbed Alex's back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex shook her head. She hesitated for a moment before asking the one question that had been weighing on her mind for months. "Livvy?"

"Yeah, baby?"

Alex extricated herself from Olivia's grasp and sat up so she was looking directly into Olivia's eyes. "Why?"

"Why what, Alex?"

Alex paused, trying to figure out how to voice her thought. "Why – why do you still want me? Why do you still love me? Why don't you blame me?"

Olivia understood and her heart constricted, her throat tightening at Alex's vulnerability, at her insecurity, at her fear. Alex thought she was a perp. "Sweetheart," she said, softly but firmly, making sure she had Alex's full attention before she continued, "You did nothing wrong. Nothing. I would have done absolutely the same thing."

Alex shook her head. She didn't believe Olivia; she knew the detective was only saying this to comfort her. "No, you wouldn't have." She let out a strangled sob. "You're stronger than that."

Olivia pulled Alex into her arms and kissed her forehead. "You are strong, baby. You did what you had to do to survive, and I would have done the same thing. Do you know why?"

"Why?" Alex's voice was barely a whisper.

"Because I know it would destroy you if you lost me, just like it would have destroyed me if I'd lost you. It was a bad situation, Alex, and you did the best you could."

Alex nodded and curled up against Olivia. "Thank you," she said quietly.

"Oh, Alex." She hugged Alex more tightly to her. "You never have to worry that you did the wrong thing, princess. You're not a perp. I love you very, very much, and I don't blame you for anything."

Alex sniffled. "But every woman I killed had a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father . . . they're hurting just as much as you would be."

"Sweetheart, if you hadn't done what he told you, he would have killed you and then killed them too. It wouldn't have changed a thing, except that you would be dead."

"I should be," she murmured, so quietly that Olivia barely heard.

"No, baby. No. You survived, and that's all that matters. I need you here with me, Alex. I don't know what I'd have done if you didn't come home."

"But why do you love me?" she asked, begging without words for something concrete, something to hold onto.

"You're an amazing woman, Alex Cabot. You're so brave and so caring and so, so beautiful that it sometimes hurts to look at you. I love you because you're you, and that's all I'd ever want." She stroked Alex's hair and gave her a smile. "Never, ever think you're anything less."

Alex dropped her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, honey. It's okay. I'm here to listen, no matter what. I'm here for you."

Alex nodded, accepting this. She hesitated for just a moment before saying, "Liv, I want to tell you something, but please don't get upset."

"You know you can tell me anything, baby. Go ahead."

"My Master told me you were dead, but I didn't give up. I tried so hard, but he made me –" She shuddered, taking a deep breath and mustering the strength to continue. "He made me hurt the others. Children, even. I knew you wouldn't want me to do that, and I refused once, but he –" She stopped, took another deep breath, and went on, "He said whatever he told me to do, if I didn't do it to them, he would do it to me. He used the bullwhip on me, and I knew – I knew that I didn't want that little girl to feel the pain I was feeling, so I said no, but then he whipped me again and he told me to kill her. He said if I didn't, he'd kill me." She began to cry again. "I'm sorry. I tried, Livvy, I really did."

"I know you did, baby," she whispered, tears welling in her own eyes at the mention of that monster using a bullwhip on her poor, sweet Alex. "You're so brave, honey. Not many people would have tried to protect someone else like that. That shows what a good person you are."

"But I couldn't – I couldn't help them. You would have helped them. You would have done whatever it took. But I – I couldn't." Alex buried her head in her hands. "I tried so hard . . ."

"I know you did, and that's because you're very, very brave. It's okay, baby. You didn't deserve what he did to you and you didn't do anything wrong. No one will ever hurt you again, I promise."

Alex swallowed a sob. "He – he used to c-cane me – or – or burn me – or crop me – or whip me – and – and he would m-make me kneel for him – and he – he would p-put me in the c-corner or the c-closet or – or in my – he would – he would put me in my c-cuffs or t-tie me to the bed or the chair and he always – always m-made me wear my c-collar and p-put me on his l-leash. He – he used to put me in – in the d-dungeon and t-tie me up and then – then he put on my h-helmet or he p-put me on – on the rod – and he – he let his f-friends do whatever they wanted." She burst into a fresh round of sobbing. "I'm sorry, Livvy. I didn't want to. I t-tried to fight him, b-but he was t-too strong."

This was tearing Olivia's heart out. She wanted to tell Alex to stop right now, that Alex reliving her fear was hurting Olivia even more. But she'd promised that she was there to listen, and if Alex needed to tell her this – if it might help – then that would be the worst thing for her to do. So against her better judgment, she asked, "Baby, what's the rod?"

Alex cried even harder as she answered, "He – he put it in-inside me and he m-made me stay there and it – it hurt so – so much and – and there was b-blood – so much blood!"

Olivia suddenly felt sick, so sick. She wanted to run to the washroom and throw up, feared she actually would. She needed Alex to be quiet, but Alex needed to talk, and so Olivia let her, though Alex's words pierced her heart like a knife. "Oh, baby," she murmured, pulling Alex into her arms. She hadn't known and she felt horrible for that. If she'd known, if Alex had been able to tell her, she would have been able to help Alex sooner. And now, so much pain was bubbling to the surface, and it was hurting Olivia as much as it hurt Alex. But what hurt even more was that Alex blamed herself for all of this, and Olivia didn't know how to convince her that it wasn't her fault. "You're safe with me," she promised. "I will never hurt you or let anyone else hurt you ever again. You don't ever deserve to be hurt. I love you more than anything, and nothing will ever change that. I will always protect you, baby."

Alex curled into herself, pulling away from Olivia and rocking back and forth, her slight body shaking with the force of her sobs. She didn't deserve Olivia's comfort right now. She'd upset the detective. She'd never wanted to upset Olivia.

And then Olivia was crying too. "Alex," she whispered through her tears. "Please let me hold you." She needed to be close to Alex right now. Alex's pain had affected her so profoundly that it physically hurt her heart. "I love you, baby. I want to be close to you."

Alex hesitantly rolled over so she was within Olivia's reach, and Olivia took it as consent, pulling the blonde into her arms and gently stroking her hair. She kissed Alex's forehead, for her own comfort as much as Alex's.

"I'll love you forever," she murmured. "I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Alex you'll be."

Alex shook her head. "You can't."

"But sweetie, I do."

"I don't deserve you."

"Oh, baby. Baby, you do. You do. You deserve everything and anything you could ever want."

"I deserve – I deserve to be punished. You should – you should whip me or put me in the – in the corner. You should put on the – the helmet."

"No, honey, no. No. You don't deserve to be punished. Never. I will never punish you, baby." She hesitated, wondering if she really wanted to know the answer to her next question. "Sweetie, what's the helmet?"

Alex let out a strangled sob. "I can't s-see any-anything or – or h-hear anything and my – my m-master – he left me there – for – for days sometimes."

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back, then felt an immediate pang of guilt when Alex flinched at her tender touch. "Baby, what he did to you was wrong. I will never do any of those things to you. You never deserve to be beaten or abused or hurt in any way."

"He – he made me – he made me u-ugly!"

"You're not ugly, baby. You're beautiful. You're the most beautiful woman in the whole world."

"But – but my – my scars –"

"Shh, honey. Your scars make you even more beautiful than you already are. They show everyone how brave you are, how strong." She gently traced a few of Alex's scars with her fingers, feeling bad when she felt Alex tense but continuing to run her fingers over the deep marks that she now knew had been caused by a bullwhip. Her poor baby. "I will always love you, my sweet Alex. Always."

The fight finally drained from Alex's body and she went limp in Olivia's arms. The detective held Alex close, kissing her forehead and stroking her hair.

"Baby, nothing that he did to you was ever your fault. You're my princess and you are the most amazing woman in the entire world."

"You – you're so good to me," Alex said in wonderment, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"You deserve it, baby. You deserve to be loved."

"And you love me."

"More than anything."

Review for chapter forty-five!