[A/N: Huge warning for this chapter, there is some content on here that may be delicate or cause offense, it is not my intention to do so and I apologize in advance if this offends any of you.]
She was so close. He was there. He was fucking there!
And the son of a bitch got away; not just that, but Liara's homeworld was destroyed. Thessia.
I always loved Thessia, Thane's voice came to her.
She tried to shake him from her thoughts, but she never could.
Even when she tried to comfort Liara, all she could think about was him. It was selfish really, Liara needed her and she felt that she didn't really do a great job at helping her friend. Liara was grateful, however, she showed her gratitude by showing her a vid that she created for her.
The only bright side was that she had killed a Reaper on Rannoch and managed to secure a Quarian/Geth alliance… but at the cost of another life. Legion.
Does this unit have a soul?
She felt that feeling again, the sickness in her stomach. She was in the mess hall when it happened, and she spewed out all her lunch on the floor. So many people rushed to her aid as she hunched over and vomited. Liara came out of her room and put her hand on her back, "Shepard, are you alright?"
"I'm fine, Liara," she replied, after she was done heaving. She looked at the crew members, "I'll clean this up."
"Don't worry about it, Commander, we got it," the mess hall sergeant said to her. Before she could object, he grabbed his cleaning materials and shooed her away.
She silently made her way to the med bay. Her mind starting to panic as she thought about what the possibility of her sickness contained.
"Hello, Commander," Chakwas greeted her, "What can I do for you?"
She sighed, nervously crossing her arms, "Karin, I need your help with something… and I need you to remain quiet about this…"
Waiting was driving her mad. She hated waiting… more than anything. She was growing impatient with every second that passed. She sat on her bed and picked up the photo of Thane that was on her nightstand.
As much as I want this, Thane, I don't know if I can have this… I have a feeling this will not end well for me.
As soon as she heard the ping, she ran towards her private terminal and read the message from Karin. Her heart soared and sank, both at the same time as she read the words on the screen. The photo of Thane in her hand still, she brought it up to her heart and hugged it tightly. Tears started rolling down her face, "I wish you were here."
She didn't know what to do. Instinctively, she called Liara up to her chambers. She set the photo down next to the terminal and walked towards the fish tank. She was barely aware that Liara came in a few moments later, "Shepard, what's wrong?"
"Go to my private terminal, Liara, and read the message from Dr. Chakwas," she said, the tears still rolling down her face.
Liara's soft footsteps walked towards the terminal. She didn't turn to her, but she heard Liara's gasp, "Shepard?"
Liara's hand was suddenly on her shoulder, "Is this why you've been feeling sick?"
"I suppose so, Liara," she answered, "It's because i'm pregnant."
"Thane?"
She nodded; Liara was at her side now. Joan turned to face her, not caring if she saw the tears anymore, "I didn't think it was possible, but now, I have his child. Growing inside of me. And… as much as I want this, I can't have this, Liara. We both know what could—what will happen. I could die and—"
"Shepard, don't think like that. You have survived the odds and beaten the impossible, you must not think that way," Liara said to her.
She scoffed, "Liara, I don't know what's going to happen. I'm going to try like hell to save this galaxy, even if it kills me. And that's the problem. I'm not fit to be a mother right now. Even though I want this so much. I want it more than anything Liara. I miss him so much."
Liara pulled her into her arms and held her as she cried. Her sobs were loud; tears that she held in so no one would see. Liara was seeing them now. Liara's voice was barely a whisper as she asked her, "What do you want to do?"
Joan pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes, the answer was right there. Even if it was something she didn't want, "I can't have this child, Liara."
She nodded, "I understand, Shepard. I will make the necessary arrangements. And I will keep it a secret from the rest of the crew. No one will know."
"You promise?"
Liara stayed silent for a moment, "I promise, the crew won't find out."
Joan sighed, "Thank you, Liara."
Liara pulled her in for another hug, and the tears came out again; because now she was destroying the only piece of Thane she had left. And she felt like the cruelest human being in the galaxy; the Reapers were second to her.
Joan awoke swiftly. Her hands automatically reaching for her abdominal area. She felt the sadness come back, and the guilt along with it. She tried to assure herself that she made the right decision. But now, her heart was filled with regret as she stared at the photo of Thane.
Hackett had given them all some shore leave, and she was in Anderson's old apartment. She thought this was probably the dumbest time to have shore leave, being that the Reapers weren't taking it easy on any of them. But, the Crucible still had awhile left before it was completed, and the forces were holding their own against the Reapers. All she had to do was wait.
She was startled by the door of the apartment closing, and she heard a familiar voice, "Shepard?"
Joan quickly put a pair of black jeans on and a white spaghetti strap shirt. She walked down the stairs and saw Miranda, staring out of the window, "Miranda? I figured you would have been with Orianna."
"I was," she said, "But then I heard you had some shore leave and figured I'd spend some time with you. After all," she walked towards her and gave her a tight hug, "You did save Orianna and I, again."
"It wasn't a problem," she said, as Miranda let her go.
"I've still been tracking Kai Leng's movements and he has yet to lead us to the Illusive Man; he's made a lot of stops, no doubt making more people's lives a living hell," Miranda informed her.
"Thanks," she said, "So what else have you been up to?"
Miranda's face went rigid, somewhat, "I've been working on a special project. I'm afraid that's all I can say."
Joan nodded, "I understand."
"I received your message for Thane's memorial service," she said.
She sighed, "Yeah, Kolyat asked for the favor. I thought it was the least I could do, since I couldn't go to the actual funeral. I heard it was on Kahje."
Miranda nodded, "I'll be here for you."
Joan grabbed her hand, a gesture of gratitude. Miranda returned the gesture with a smile, "Kolyat and the others will be here soon; would you like to help me set up?"
"Of course," she replied.
"I'm sorry I left the way I did that day at the hospital, Kolyat," Joan said to him, he was sitting on the couch next to her. Observing the guests that came to pay their respects and speak about his father. Garrus, Liara, Miranda, Samara, EDI, Joker, Jack, and even Kaidan showed up. So many of her friends came to show support. As well as Thane's and Kolyat's. Even Valern showed up.
He turned to look at her, "It's fine, Shepard. I understand you were really distressed that day."
She leaned forward on the couch, "How was the funeral?"
Kolyat stiffened a bit, "It was fine."
"OH, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"
He chuckled, "It's alright, Shepard."
She smiled at him and he returned her smile with a smirk. His hand went to his mouth as he started coughing, "Are you ok, Kolyat?"
The coughing subsided, he answered after he caught his breath, "I'm fine, Shepard. I think."
She eyed him. She wasn't there when Thane's symptoms started to show, but she had read up on the disease and it started with the coughing, "You should get checked, Kolyat."
"The chances of me having it are low, Shepard. I didn't spend as much time on Kahje as my father did."
She ran her hand through her hair, "Please. I know we're not close and you probably don't think anything of me, but you're a part of Thane, and I love him. I always will. So that means I have to look after you."
Kolyat's eyes glimmered for a moment, "I think you're a great person, Shepard. The same applies to you."
Their hands clasped; not in a romantic way, in a platonic way. The way a child would hold his mother's hand. She felt her heart skip a few beats. The thought of her own child and how she practically killed it. She kept the tears inside.
"I should probably go speak to Valern," Kolyat said, interrupting her thoughts. To which she was thankful for, "I hear he's feeling grateful and I would like to take the time to mention that there are a few Salarian scientists researching a cure for Kepral's syndrome. They do, however, need additional funding."
"If you need any help, let me know," she said.
"Doubtful, I think my chances are pretty good," he smiled, "One more thing; I was sorting through some of my father's belongings and I came across some vid messages he tried to send to you. I already sent them to your extranet address… I do hope they help more than they hurt."
He took out his hand for a shake, but she pulled him in for a hug, "Stay in touch, Kolyat."
"I will."
