My husband and I are celebrating our first wedding anniversary tonight! So, I'm posting the chapter early. Hope you enjoy.
This is Rosalie's POV. I've been waiting to post this since Bella and Rosalie's fight and I can't wait to hear what you think about it!
Quick warning, there's a brief mention of drug use, lesbian sex and a threesome.
Outtake - B!tch (Rosalie's POV)
I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one
Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing
Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way
-"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks
Bella had absolutely no idea how lucky she was, or how beautiful. I would have killed for that clear alabaster skin. And even first thing in the morning, in pajamas, with her hair a mess she looked beautiful. I might have been gorgeous, but it took effort. I worked out three days a week, did Pilates, and watched what I ate. It took me an hour to blow my hair dry, straighten it, and put on makeup. I was high maintenance. She was ready in fifteen minutes and looked amazing.
When she was feeling confident, she could bring a room full of guys to their knees, and she didn't even realize it. She had gotten better over the years. In middle school, she'd spent hours crying over the fact that she was still flat as a board and even Alice had some tits before Bella did. I tried to tell her that it was better not to have guys staring at you like you were a piece of meat, but all she focused on was what she didn't have. But she blossomed a couple of years into high school, and she was stunning.
If there was one thing I was more jealous of than Bella's looks, it was her family. I watched her after graduation, watched the people around her. Her father was there, so thrilled for her he was nearly crying. And the Clearwater's and Black's, she has all those people who loved and supported her, and she didn't see it. She didn't have a clue.
Alice's parents came to graduation, with cards and flowers for all three of us. My parents had come to the ceremony and left immediately after. No card, no flowers, barely even a moment of congratulations before they were out the door and on their way back to Seattle. I was equally jealous of Alice's family, but there was always some undercurrent of rivalry between Bella and me. I didn't know if she felt it too, but somehow I felt like I was never good enough, that I'd never live up to Bella.
She didn't see the way Jacob looked at her, like the sun rose and set with her. She didn't see the scorching intensity of Edward's eyes when he stared at her in that little blue dress. He had never looked at me like that. He'd wanted me, at least at first. Although I had been somewhat surprised by his refusal to sleep with me that night we met. No matter what I did he'd firmly told me no. It was humiliating. I hadn't lied to Alice and Bella, he was amazing. We'd fooled around and I had come several times, but I wasn't sure why I felt the need to let them believe that we'd slept together.
I watched him slip away from me and knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I hated who I was becoming, sharp, and bitter. I'd always had a biting wit, and been proud of it, but now I was unnecessarily cruel. I think I saw it even before he did, but I watched Edward fall for her. Half of the time when we went up to his room, we fell asleep without doing anything. I lay there in the dark, wanting him to reach over and pull me close. I didn't want a relationship, but I wanted something. I'd never met a guy who wouldn't bend over backwards to please me in any way, but Edward operated by his own set of rules. He was hot, but I didn't even want him that bad, I just hated the idea that he didn't want me.
You'd think I would have gone after Emmett, but something about him scared the shit out of me. I knew of anyone, he had the potential to break my heart. He had the ability to make me vulnerable. And I didn't like being vulnerable. I refused to be vulnerable. It was heady, the way he watched me, his eyes worshiping me. But his intensity was overwhelming. I didn't know what he saw in me, or how he could possibly think I'd be good for him. Beneath his goofy bravado, he was a softie, and I knew I'd break his heart. So I was nasty to him, pushed him away even when I thought maybe it might just be nice to get lost in those strong arms and be his Rosie. I threw myself into seducing Edward, although it was only half-successful, by then he was so wrapped up in Bella it was ludicrous.
It finally sunk in the night of the poker party, when I watched them joking around. There was a tension in the air between them, thick and suffocating. I was every bit as naked as Bella and yet it was her body he couldn't take his eyes off, her hips his fingers wrapped around. Although it was my bed he slept in that night, he didn't so much as touch me. I'd made several snarky comments about Bella throwing herself at him and we fought. He was coldly polite but it was downhill from there. I waited for him to end our arrangement, but he didn't. I think he was trying to deny it himself. Not about us being over; he didn't care one way or another about that. But his need for Bella frightened him. He was too good of a guy to start anything with her while we were still technically 'together', so he didn't end it right away. He wanted her with an intensity I had never seen before. They were both so fucking oblivious.
I flat out lied to Bella about the other guy I was seeing. Matt didn't even exist. But I hated the idea of anyone thinking that Edward had ended things with me. Josh was real, but he meant nothing. The only reason I invited him was that I refused to be alone at my own graduation party. He was cute, but that was absolutely all he had to offer. I let him fuck me, and regretted it immediately after. I woke up in the middle of the night, just a few hours from dawn, and made my way downstairs. I was thirsty, and the glass I normally kept in my bathroom had broken the day before. I passed by the living room on my way to the kitchen and peered inside. People lay sleeping in a tangle of bodies and I picked out Jasper, Alice, and a handful of others but I couldn't see Bella or Edward. Sick feeling, I passed by the door to the downstairs guest bedroom and it was tightly closed. Light spilled out from under the door and I overheard voices speaking quietly. I could hear their quiet conversation and my worst fears were quickly realized.
"If you keep that up there's no way I'm letting you out of this room," Edward spoke quietly, but there was a low throaty sound to his voice. It was the sound of a well-satisfied man who wanted more.
The moment she spoke, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. I knew that voice. "I might be okay with that," Bella muttered, sounding every bit as reluctant as he did to leave.
I was suddenly angry with her for fucking him, for doing it in my house. She must have heard me make a sound because I could hear them move inside the room. I walked quickly away and back up to my room, the glass of water forgotten. I fell back into a fitful sleep and in the morning, Josh groaned and sat up to leave. I considered going downstairs with him and rubbing him in the faces of Edward and Bella, but I couldn't stand to see them together. I wondered if Edward had the balls to ask her out or if he'd been a pussy about it. I refused to sit up in my room sulking when he left, so I let the sheet slip down to my waist.
"Where are you going?" I purred.
"I was going to head home. Busy day." Josh looked vaguely uncomfortable. I recognized the look of a guy ready to bolt.
"Well, I wouldn't want to keep you from your plans ... but do you think you could spare another few minutes?"
I sat up, arched my back a little, and he paused- looking at my tits; it didn't take much to get him flat on his back and ready to go. I rode him hard, and I came, but it was hollow and pointless. I was using him and I felt vaguely disgusted with myself. He left quickly after and I laid there in bed for a while, feeling sick. Everyone was gone by the time I made it downstairs.
When Bella called to brag about her night with Edward, I hung up on her before I started crying. She was giddy and dazed sounding, and I saw every moment of their lives together play out before me. Somehow I knew it wasn't going to be a passing fling for either of them, and that they'd have their happily ever after someday. In my mind, I saw the adorable little dinner parties at their cute fucking house. They'd invite Alice and Jasper, Angela and Ben, and me and whoever the hell I was fucking that week. I'd be the slightly ageing cougar always after a younger man, a miserable lush like my mother. It made me sick. My girls would go off to their own lives and I'd be stuck in some miserable fucking rut.
I knew how fucking good Edward and Bella would be together, but I hated it. I wanted them both miserable. I didn't feel anything anymore but bitterness. Edward called and I laughed in his face when he berated me for how I was treating Bella. He was trying to be noble and blame himself. What a joke. He probably was every bit as to blame as she was, but she was my best friend. My sister. She had betrayed me.
The shitty part was, I knew exactly what I was doing and how much it was hurting her. I held her letter in my hands. I had read it, three times. She was so hurt. And I knew I was making a mistake even as I burned the letter. But I wanted her to be in pain. I loved her and I hated her. The letter burned down to ashes and I grabbed the last of my bags before walked out the door. There was no one there to say goodbye to me, or to see me off. I had, almost literally, burned the last of my bridges. I got into the cab and didn't look back once as I left Forks, and headed toward the airport to take me to New York City. I was done with Forks and everyone in it.
I loved New York City. It was exactly what I'd been dreaming about for years. I loved the noise and the chaos of it all. It was exciting and new after the sodden dreariness of Forks. NYU's housing was shit but I met a couple of older girls in one of my classes who had an apartment nearby, so I spent a lot of my time with them. Soon we were going out clubbing or to a party almost every night. It was amazing, I never had to use my fake id, no one ever carded, especially when we were in the VIP rooms. I had no idea what these girls' fathers did for a living but they were loaded. They made my dad's money look like petty change.
Leslie was adopted, a fact she lorded over her parents on a nearly daily basis. Any time they asked her to do anything she threw out the 'you're not my real parents' card and they backed right down. She was a spoiled little bitch and I wasn't sure I even liked her, but I liked what she could do for me.
Ericka was just a snob. No guy was ever good enough, although that didn't stop her from having a half dozen of them at her beck and call. They were all wealthy and well connected. Most were older. She never fucked them. But they were all so enthralled with her that one flew her to Milan for a weekend and another sent her roses weekly.
It was heady watching them work a crowd. I learned a lot and I develop my own reputation. I might not have had the money, but I had the body and the attitude and it got me pretty damn far.
I did my best to avoid thinking about Alice and Bella. Alice called a few times but I couldn't handle talking to her. I fobbed her off with excuses and she eventually stopped calling. I felt guilty, but I didn't know how to deal with her. My life now was so different from what it had been like at home, that I knew we hardly had anything in common anymore. I couldn't reconcile the girl I'd been before with the girl I was becoming. Forks became a dim memory. Or it would have, except I kept getting annoying emails from Emmett. How he had my email address to begin with was beyond me. Although, I suspected Alice had something to do with it. He didn't email a lot, maybe once a week or so. A lot of them were just him discussing his week, or things he saw that reminded him of me. They were irritating, but I found it impossible to delete them without reading them. Maybe there was a part of me that couldn't leave Forks entirely behind. Emmett was my last link to that life, to the old me.
It had been almost a month since I'd been in New York when I finally caved in and answered an email of his.
Rosie,
The weather has been unseasonably warm for early September. Even though I'm not taking classes any more, this time of year always seems like the beginning of a new year. More than January 1st ever does. I miss school sometimes, I've been out for a year, and I think eventually I might want to go back. I like my job, I really do. But I think maybe someday, I'd want to teach business rather than be a manager or own a business. I think I'd be good at it.
What are you studying at NYU? I hope you're having fun. We all miss you here.
-Emmett
~BC~
Emmett,
What the hell is wrong with you? I don't give a shit about your tiny little life in Forks. It's not like I'm coming back, you might as well just forget about me. I'm not worth your time, and you're wasting mine.
-Rosalie
~BC~
Rosie,
I know you probably think I'm ridiculous- pining after you, but I want you to know that I'll be waiting for you. Think what you want, but someday you're going to regret wasting the time we could have had together. I know you think I'm cocky, or crazy. But what I know is that you'll change your mind. I'll be waiting until you do.
-Emmett
~BC~
Emmett,
I have no idea what you think you're going to accomplish writing to me. I am not interested in you and never will be. Nevertheless, clearly you're getting something out of it, so I'll make you a deal. Swear you'll date other girls and I'll actually respond to your ridiculous emails. Within reason. No more than one email a week.
-Rosalie
~BC~
Rosalie,
I went out for a friend's birthday last night. I brought a date. Her name was Lacey. She's 5'7", blonde, blue eyed, and not a tenth as beautiful as you are. We met at a frat party that my younger brother dragged me to. She is studying event planning. I have enclosed a picture of us together as proof for you that I did indeed go on said date.
-Emmett
~BC~
Emmett,
I think you're being excessively generous if you say she's a tenth as beautiful as I am. But whatever, clearly you're not working with a fully functioning brain anyway.
I went out last night, too. I went out clubbing and came home with Todd. Do you like to hear about my conquests Emmett? Hear how he fucked me until I screamed? That I sucked him off? Know that you'll never get to do the same.
-Rosalie
~BC~
Rosalie,
I know you're trying to make me jealous, and I would be, except I know you aren't happy. You have these lies built up so high that don't even know what you're doing to yourself.
You deny it, but you could be happy with me. You're so brittle and fake sometimes but I know there's someone in there capable of love. She's strong, vibrant, and doesn't take anyone's shit. But she's soft and tender, too. And I want you to know I see her. She's hidden, so deep you don't think you'll find her anymore, but if you give me a chance I'll show you.
-Emmett
~BC~
Emmett,
You are so full of shit you're swimming in it. Soft and tender? Please ... I'm a bitch Emmett, and you like that about me.
-Rosalie
~BC~
Rosalie,
I like your true strength, not the bitch mask you hide behind. You are so utterly full of bullshit, and you can't even see it. Bella and Alice are proof that you used to have a heart. You three wouldn't have been friends for so long if you were all hard-ass.
-Emmett
~BC~
Emmett,
Well, if you hadn't noticed, we aren't exactly friends anymore thanks to Bella's little stunt with Edward. I'm assuming the photo you sent was from Bella's birthday. Did you think I didn't notice that the picture you sent of you and your date had a bunch of other people in it? That I wouldn't notice how cozy they looked together? Real subtle ... jackass.
Yeah, I figured that she and Edward were still fucking. Loyalty my ass. She got a taste of dick and it didn't matter who stood in her way, huh?
Whatever, I don't even care. They can fuck, date, get married, have twelve children for all I care. It isn't as though I'll ever see either of them again.
-Rosalie
~BC~
Rosalie,
Yes, it was for Bella's birthday. She turned nineteen, and she wanted you to be there. They didn't touch each other until you left and destroyed Bella. I'm not saying you didn't have the right to be hurt by what they did, but you treated Bella like shit and someday you're going to realize just how much you gave up when you left. Your best friend and a guy who is so in love with you he's dizzy over it. And yes, I am referring to myself.
As for Bella and Edward, don't you dare cheapen what they have. They're having a hard enough time realizing it themselves, but he's falling in love with her and despite her best efforts- she'll get there too. You've made it hard enough on them, let them be.
-Emmett
~BC~
Emmett,
What am I supposed to do? Call her and grovel? Maybe I did treat her like shit, but it doesn't change the fact that she betrayed me. And what does it matter? I'm enjoying my life here. It's not like I'm going to move home anytime soon.
-Rosalie
As the weeks passed and Emmett's letters continued I did my best to put them from my mind, but they never totally disappeared. I struggled to keep the cool, calm façade in place, but it slipped sometimes. He made me angry, but being angry meant that I cared. Otherwise, it wouldn't have mattered to me at all. And when Halloween neared, I missed my girls more and more. It didn't stop me from going out nearly every night, and drinking myself into a stupor.
Ericka surprised the hell out of me one night when we were out partying. She'd always been a little flirty, but that night at the club she was all over me. There weren't any particularly hot guys she seemed to be trying to catch the eye of. I figured she was on something, she usually was, and I briefly wondered if it was X. For the first time in a while I hadn't taken anything- just drank, and I wondered what it would be like to explore things with her. So when we stumbled into her apartment later that night and she dragged me into her bedroom I didn't protest. It was a little awkward at first but I soon found myself enjoying the feel of her tongue between my legs.
In the morning, she acted as if nothing had happened, and I wasn't surprised. I hadn't forgotten it. I wondered what it meant, if I had to label myself now. I decided I didn't really care. People were people, sex was sex, and well, I was just horny Rose who decided she liked dick the best. Pussy was nice, but never as good as a nice thick cock.
I got plenty of cock as well. The nights blurred together and sometimes, I lost track of what day of the week it was. I woke up hung over and barely made it to a couple of classes a week, if I was lucky.
One morning I crawled out of the bed I'd been sleeping in and looked down at the guy. He was cute, they all were, but I couldn't even remember his name. With a moment of horror, I realized there was someone else in the bed as well, a pretty redhead whose name I couldn't remember either. Fuck, what had I done? It wasn't the fact that I'd slept with a woman, or even that it had been the two of them at the same time, it was the fact that I didn't remember most of it. What the hell had I been on? I was exhausted and my head hurt worse than any hangover I'd ever had. A hazy memory of drinking and then lines of white powder swam before my eyes and with a sickening realization, I remembered snorting cocaine the night before. What a mess. I was inordinately grateful to see several condom wrappers on the floor beside the bed. I had been stupid, but it could have been worse. I slipped on my clothes and made my way home feeling depressed and lethargic, still coming down from the high I'd been on the night before. As I showered, I realized what a sad mess my life had become, pathetic really. But it didn't stop me from going to a club the next the night or blacking out and waking up in a strangers' bed a week later. I finally broke down and told Emmett.
Emmett,
I think I did something really stupid. I ... don't even know why I'm telling you this. I tried coke. It was amazing at first, but coming down was brutal. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and I wanted it, I begged for it. But in the morning,g I felt stupid and dead inside. I don't know what you think of me now. How much you loathe who I'm becoming. I know I do.
-Rosalie
Rosalie,
You're right, that was stupid. And dangerous and I'm so fucking glad you're okay. At least physically. I'm not going to lecture you about stopping, you know you need to, before you can't. And I think you must want to stop, or you wouldn't have emailed me. If there's something I can do to help, tell me. Call me if you need me to talk you down from doing something stupid. Day or night, it doesn't matter.
I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You're hurting, and scared, and you're making some monumentally stupid decisions. But you have the opportunity to fix it. Please, do it. Not for me, but because you deserve to be happy. I hope you know how much I care about you Rosalie, that won't ever change.
-Emmett
I didn't know how to respond to Emmett's email. He was right, and I hated it. I sent him a brief email thanking him, but I stopped talking to him after that. I didn't stop drinking, but I did stop everything else. And I figured that at least it was a step in the right direction.
One night, Ericka drunkenly confessed to me that she was a lesbian. I wasn't particularly surprised, but it made me sad that she couldn't admit it otherwise. She never slept with guys, but she pretended to be interested in them to keep up appearances. In her world and with her family, there were no other choices. She was straight and that was all she could ever admit to. But drunk, high, and lonely- she tearfully told me. She admitted how pretty she thought I was and that she wanted to be with me. I let her have that fantasy for the night and in the morning, she was as distant as ever. My heart broke for her and for a moment, I wondered if my life was really any better. Was I any less fake? Was my life any less sad and pathetic?
That night I drank until I blacked out, trying to drown out my own thoughts. This time when I woke up it was in the hospital and I realized just how close I came to nearly dying. My father came to the city long enough to clean up my mess. I don't know how the hell he did it, but somehow, everything got taken care of so I wasn't in any trouble for drinking underage. No doubt, he paid a hefty fine for it but at that point, I didn't care.
Emmett,
I almost died last night. I drank most of a fifth of vodka and ended up in the hospital. I'm scared and feeling so alone. My dad came to clean up my mess but my mom didn't even bother to call to make sure I was okay. I can't believe I'm saying this. God, I know I'm going to regret this, but ... I need you Emmett. Can you please come to New York?
-Rose
Rosalie,
All you had to do was ask. I'll be there just as soon as I can.
-Emmett
I felt simultaneously relieved and sick when I got his response. I knew I couldn't keep going on the way I had been, but I was scared. It took him less than a day to get there, and I wondered what kind of strings he'd had to pull at work, and what he'd told Edward and Jasper.
He called me from the airport to tell me he was in a cab and on his way to my dorm. I was shaking by the time I opened the door. He stood in the doorway to my room, and I just stared at him for a moment. He looked the same as ever, but it was as if I was seeing him through brand new eyes. His bulk was solid and reassuring, and his dark curly hair was still closely cropped. His dimples were faintly visible even though he wasn't smiling, he looked tired and worried. He was dressed like usual- in pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, with a lightweight grey athletic jacket thrown over top. He had on a pair of scuffed running shoes and his blue eyes were sad.
"What the hell have you done to yourself Rose? You look like shit."
I burst into tears, he slammed the door shut and closed the distance between us in a quick stride, and I found myself in his arms. I sobbed against his chest and he held me tight. God, he felt good. Solid and reassuring. And his smell ... how had I never noticed that he smelled so good? I vaguely realized that my feet weren't touching the floor and I wiggled a little, wanting him to put me down. Rather than let go, he scooped me up and carried me further into the room. I was vaguely aware of him kicking the door shut behind him and gently laying me down on the bed.
"You don't think I'm beautiful anymore?" I cried, curling up into his side.
"You're always beautiful," he said softly. "But frankly, for you, you look awful. Why the hell have you been treating yourself so badly? You deserve better."
I started crying even harder. He let me sob until I had no more tears left and I felt exhausted. He got up and I clung to him, not wanting to let go of him so easily.
"Shh, it's okay. I'm going to take care of you. Where's the bathroom? In here?"
He knocked gently on the door inside the room and opened the door that led to the bathroom I shared with the girl in the room next to me. I was vaguely aware of him running water and in moments, he had come back for me, scooping me up, and was carrying me into the bathroom. He put me down just long enough to undress me and then lowered me into the tub. I curled up, bringing my knees to my chest, feeling suddenly vulnerable that he was seeing me naked like this. I would have been much more comfortable strutting around in lingerie, or just heels. But I was vulnerable like this.
He took a washcloth and wet it, draping it over my body to cover me and I thanked him quietly. He took a seat on the floor beside the tub and looked into my eyes. "You're going to be alright."
I nodded, not really believing him.
"What did you tell everyone?" I asked softly, wiping at my eyes. I realized suddenly that I hadn't even put on makeup that morning, I'd been so keyed up about him coming to see me that I hadn't even noticed.
"That I was coming out to visit my uncle. He lives just outside of the city."
"You lied to them? Why?"
"I didn't feel like it was my place to tell them what was going on with you, so it was a lot easier."
"The guys are going to be pissed." I couldn't quite say Edward's name out loud. It was too much of a reminder of all of the things I had fucked up.
"They'll survive. You're the most important thing."
I finally relaxed a little into the tub, letting the hot water soothe away my tension. I stretched my legs out and his eyes followed the long expanse of bare wet skin.
"How was your flight?"
He shrugged. "It was fine. Took too damn long."
I smiled at his impatience. "Yeah?"
"Yeah, I wanted to be here with you."
"Thank you for coming."
"Whatever you need. You know that."
"I know." I looked down before raising my eyes to meet his. "How about you help me with this bath?"
He gave me a dimpled smile and his large hand reached out, palm up. "Which bath stuff is yours?"
I handed him the l'Occitane Almond Shower Oil I'd bought earlier in the week and he squirted some onto his hand and gently brought it down onto my shin. He smoothed it over me, and when it mixed with the water clinging to my skin- it turned into a lush lather. I closed my eyes as his hand slowly slid around my calf and he washed my legs. I shifted minutely as his fingers made their way up my inner thighs. I was shocked to realize that this slow teasing was getting me as worked up as if he'd fingered my pussy. I opened my eyes and locked gazes with him before picking up the washcloth and dropping it into the water beside me. His eyes were heated and hungry and I almost panted with anticipation. Instead of going straight for my tits, his hand smoothed more shower oil across my hip and belly. I held my breath and nearly cried when as he worked his way up, bypassing my nipples, in favor of my shoulders and arms.
"Sit up."
I complied and twisted my hair up so he could wash my back, dipping down below the water to where my ass began. I sat back when he was done and squirmed a little when he moved to the swell of my breast.
I stood up, the water cascading down my body in sheets and he gulped audibly.
"Take me to bed, Emmett."
He wrapped the towel around me and dried me thoroughly, his hands gentle, but not lingering. I hung it on the towel rack when I was done, walking into my room without a stitch of clothing on. He scooped up my clothing and locked the bathroom door behind us as he followed me. I lay down on the bed, posing as seductively as possible as he neatly folded my clothes and laid them on the chair. He took off his own clothes, leaving on a pair of boxers and the t-shirt.
He looked at me and said, "alright, scoot over; I need some room to sleep."
I stared at him, my mouth wide open in shock.
"What the ... I want you to fuck me, Emmett."
"I know you do." He sat on the edge of the bed and nudged me over before lying down beside me. "But I'm not going to fuck you until you're back in Washington, on your own two feet."
"What the hell makes you think I'm going back to Washington?" I sputtered.
"Because your life is there. Because I'm there. Because you can be the amazing woman, you should be there. Not this fake brittle, socialite wanna-be."
I sputtered in anger and he leveled a serious look at me. "This is when you make your choice about who you're going to be. You can either grow up, admit you've made some mistakes, and go live the happy life you should," he tossed me a dimpled smile, "preferably with me. Or, you can stay here and either kill yourself with your stupidity or end up just like your mother."
I gaped at him and then burst into tears again. He didn't apologize, and I knew he was right. It was time for me to admit that I wasn't happy here, that I was destroying myself here. When I'd finished sobbing and pounding ineffectually at his muscled chest I gulped and said, "Okay. I'll come back in December."
The smile that lit up his face was luminous and he kissed me tenderly. "That's my girl."
I shivered and I realized what I'd just agreed to. I was in a relationship with Emmett, and hell hadn't frozen over.
"Does that mean you'll fuck me?" I teased, sitting up in bed to straddle him. He was unapologetically hard underneath me.
"No." His hands gripped my hips, but he didn't move me off of him. "It means when you're back in Washington and you're strong enough to handle it, I'm going to make love to you."
I blinked in astonishment. Make love? What the hell had I gotten myself into?
"We're going to wait until that idea no longer terrifies you."
I realized I was kind of panicking and I suddenly felt cheap and desperate, straddling him naked like this.
"Can I have your shirt?" I asked quietly.
"Of course." He sat up a little to shrug out of it and my body clenched in anticipation when his hard cock, rubbed against my needy pussy. He slipped the shirt over me and brushed my hair back from my face. "I'll give you whatever you need baby."
"Except your cock apparently," I muttered peevishly.
"I said what you need, not what you want. You need to get your head on straight before we make love."
"Damn it, Emmett. You're so frustrating." I sighed and slipped off him. He held out his arm and I found myself cuddled up into his body, safe and secure beneath his well-muscled arm. His chest and abs were amazing and I shifted uncomfortably, frustrated by my need for him.
"That's why you're going to love me so much," he said smugly.
"I'm horny as shit right now, you know that?" I grumbled.
"I know."
"What the fuck am I supposed to do about it in the meantime?"
"Masturbate."
My eyes widened. "Are you serious?"
He shrugged. "It's what I've been doing since I met you last January."
"You haven't slept with anyone in eleven months?" I screeched.
"Why would I settle for a cheap imitation when what I wanted was you?"
"But ..."
"No buts. It's been more satisfying fantasizing about you, than cheapening it with some lame-ass hook up."
"But I've slept with ..." I gulped, "... so many people since then."
He shrugged. "You did what you thought you needed to do. By the way, you should probably be tested; I know you've been doing some kind of risky things while you were here. I'd rather make love without a condom if you're on birth control." I stared at him wide-eyed. He just didn't seem to know when to stop and I found it simultaneously frustrating and reassuring.
"I ... I'm on the pill and I haven't fucked anyone without a condom."
"I'd rather be sure," he said firmly.
I nodded. "I'll go next week."
"Thanks baby." He kissed me again and I rubbed my thighs together.
"You really won't help a girl out?"
"Nope. Wanna watch you take care of yourself."
"You want to watch? What if I don't want to put on a show for you?"
He shrugged. "Then you're going to be very very horny."
"Damn it, Emmett." I huffed and hiked up his shirt, I was swimming in it. I hoped that if he watched me he'd change his mind. I let my fingers wander, watching him out of the corner of my eye. His eyes were glued to the V between my legs and I parted them, sighing with pleasure when my fingers met the skin there. I fingered myself fast and hard, my head arching back. He touched me eventually, but only to run his fingers across my forearm. His large hands moved lightly across my skin and I held my breath in anticipation, hoping he was going to change his mind. But he didn't. Just the feel of his touching me in such a simple way was enough though and I quickly came hard, crying out. I nearly cried out his name and it was dizzying to realize just how much I needed him already. I curled up beside him, suddenly embarrassed by my little show and he kissed the top of my head.
"Feel better?"
"A little bit."
"You won't be able to walk by the time I'm done with you," he promised. "Get your shit together and we can start our life."
The idea of going back to Washington was terrifying. I had put all of my friends through hell and I wondered if they would ever forgive me. And I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life. It was almost overwhelming. But with a sudden pang of regret I realized how much I missed Alice and Bella, and how much I was looking forward to a life that didn't require me to put up a façade. They knew the real me, and they loved me anyway. That was what Emmett had been trying to remind me all along.
The first thing I did after Emmett left was go to the free clinic to be tested. I winced at how irresponsible I had been and I knew if I managed to be lucky enough to test clean, I owed somebody big time.
Intellectually, I knew that some of my issues were because of my family. I'd known that all along, but knowing it didn't stop my reactions, or my irritation at it. It was so trite that I was fucking around when what I needed was my parents' love. I hated that I'd become that girl. But I was, and there was no use hiding it, so I had to suck it up and try to move past. I dreaded the thought of seeing a therapist, but it was worth it. Emmett was worth it. I'd beaten him to the punch mentioning it. I knew he was going to, but I figured if I did it on my own terms it kept me in control, which at that point was about all I did have control over. It felt like my life had been fucking turned upside down and I needed whatever I could get. I barely survived my finals, I spent weeks cramming for them, hoping to make up for the months of wasted time I'd skipped classes, and not turned in assignments. I passed, but barely. I packed up my room and headed back home. Instead of moving back into my parents' house in Forks, I rented an apartment in Seattle. I was going to do things my way from now on- although, I was grateful for the platinum credit card that had allowed me to do so. I winced, aware that I'd never really be independent until I was working and supporting myself, so I made myself a promise to at least get started. I'd still need their money for school, and I couldn't get a real job until I graduated, but I could do plenty in the meantime to put myself on the right track.
I dreaded my conversation with Alice and Bella, I was terrified that I'd damaged our friendship irreparably, but I underestimated them. They were far better people than I was. Bella looked simultaneously hurt, angry, and terrified and I felt like shit that I'd treated her so badly. She didn't deserve it. She took my apology far better than I deserved. It felt so good to get it all off my chest and when the three of us left the restaurant, I felt better than I had in months.
I was amused by her reaction to what I said about her and Edward. They were a pair that was for sure, all this time and they still couldn't see what was right in front of them. Idiots. But maybe I could do a few things to repair the damage I'd done.
It was interesting seeing Edward for the first time. I apologized to him and at first, he was stiff and a little curt with me.
"Don't apologize to me; Bella is the one you hurt."
"I know," I said softly. "And I'll make it up to her, somehow, if I can. I swear, Edward, I feel terrible."
He must have seen the truth in my eyes because he softened a little. "I know. Just, please, don't ever hurt her like that again."
"I won't."
"And you've been taking care of her, while I was gone?" I asked.
He nodded. "I've been trying. She's ... important."
"I know. I'm happy for you."
"Thanks. I'm happy for you too."
I smiled; I couldn't help it when I thought of Emmett. "He's not what I expected."
"Probably not. But he's good for you."
"Yeah, he is."
"And you're good for him too. He's so stupidly happy it's like he's perpetually drunk."
"Yeah, the right girl will do that to a guy." I grinned at him and he smiled back.
"Yeah, she will," he said softly and I knew he was talking about Bella.
Oddly enough, Jasper was the coldest toward me. I had hurt Alice and Bella and that put me on his shit list. I apologize to him, too and he nodded his assent but didn't thaw much toward me. I think he was waiting for me to fuck up. But as the weeks passed and he saw my sincerity he started to relax around me a little. Eventually I'd prove to him that I was trustworthy, again. Because it wasn't a phase or something I took lightly. These people mattered to me and I'd spend my life proving to them how important they were to me. I had almost lost them and I refused to ever let that happen again.
My relationship with Emmett progressed slowly over the next few weeks. He wanted to take things slow and although it went against my very nature, I was determined to respect his wishes. I felt like I was fifteen again, making out with a guy in the car every time we got together. His kisses made me wet and needy and all I could hold onto was how good it would be when we finally did make love.
One night we were on our way back from a movie and he paused at the door to my apartment.
"You want to come in?" I asked, hoping that he did.
"I'm not sure if I should."
"Please?" I begged.
"Alright."
When the door was closed and we had made our way into my bedroom he spoke again as he removed my clothing.
"It's getting harder to not want to be buried inside of you," he breathed against my neck.
"I know. I want it too, Emmett."
"You're doing so well baby."
"I'm trying."
"I know."
I turned to face him and we were both naked. I tugged him down onto the bed and he came willingly. We hadn't moved beyond watching each other masturbate. It was driving me insane, but I was starting to understand his reasoning. I was inordinately grateful that I had tested clean and my therapy sessions were going well. It was painful, but it was helping.
"I think I'm ready, Emmett," I said softly. "I'm ready for you to make love to me."
"Oh baby." He kissed me passionately and then pulled back to look at me. "I just have to ask to you to be patient for a few more days, okay?"
I sighed. "Why?"
"I want it to be perfect. Please."
"Alright." I rolled over, turned out the light, and then rolled back over into the cradle of his arms. I laid my head on his chest and we both slept.
Two days after Christmas was apparently the perfect time. Everything fell into place. Jasper and Edward went to visit their parents and we had the house in Port Angeles to ourselves.
I was nervous but excited when I knocked on the door. When he opened it, I rolled my eyes; he was such a goddamned cliché. But I loved him and he was my cliché and I knew that this gesture was symbolic of so much more.
He was standing there in a light brown suit with a crisp white shirt underneath holding a red rose. He handed it to me and I smiled faintly and stepped inside.
Neither of us spoke; it didn't really seem necessary. I followed him the stairs and into his bedroom. It was uncharacteristically neat; he was such a slob about cleaning his room sometimes. But I could see something peeking out from under the bed and the closet door. It was so Emmett. The room was absolutely covered in candles, I was pretty sure he had bought out the entire city. There were more rose petals on the bed and champagne and chocolate covered strawberries on the nightstand. I wanted to tell him that this wasn't me, that what I really wanted was a fucking burger, a beer, and a good long rough fuck, but I knew there would be plenty of time for that. This was his way of showing me how precious I was to him, and I needed to let him do it.
He undressed me, and then himself and he picked me up and laid me down in the middle of his big soft bed. I'd always liked being so tall, feeling equal to my lover, but all of a sudden I liked being so much smaller than Emmett. I felt protected and cherished. He smoothed massage oil onto my skin and spent what felt like hours massaging me until I was boneless and needy, soft and wanting. When he slid inside of me I regretted every moment I'd spent away from him, every person I'd fucked since I met him. Every time I'd pushed him away. I was still a mess, still had so much I had to set right in my own head, but for that brief time I felt sure that I could do it.
The first words he spoke to me that night were "I love you" as he moved inside me and I was so overwhelmed by the way I was feeling I thought my heart would shatter inside my chest.
"I love you, too," I whispered and then he moved again and I couldn't begin to think.
After, he cried, and so did I. I'd like to blame him, say it was his big blue eyes overflowing with tears that made me sob like a little baby, but it wasn't. It didn't help, but I was well on my way to emotional overload and all it did was tip me over the edge. I had never felt worshiped and adored like that before. I wasn't going to pretend like it didn't affect me anymore. I sure as shit wouldn't admit it to anyone but him, but I wasn't ashamed of my tears and neither was he. I suddenly understood Alice and Jasper, and if this was what Edward and Bella had been feeling, I couldn't blame them at all.
I woke him up in the middle of the night with a blowjob and he fucked me until I could barely walk the next morning. I was much more comfortable with our midnight romp than the sweet, tender lovemaking. But I couldn't deny how powerful it had been. Emmett had been right that it was important for our relationship. We slept late the next day and I desperately wanted to do something for him. He had done everything for me and I thought the least I could do was make him breakfast in bed.
When I was standing in front of the refrigerator in nothing but his white shirt, I realized that I'd probably burn down the house if I tried to cook. I was shit in the kitchen and I suddenly wished I'd had Bella teach me how to at least cook eggs. I settled for toast and coffee. And when I straddled Emmett and woke him up with soft kisses the look on his face was priceless. He was so goddamn happy I nearly cried again.
I knew he'd love me till the day he died, and beyond, if that were possible, no matter how I treated him. I realized how much power I held in my hands and I decided I would do everything I could to keep that smile on his face. For the first time in my life, I could reconcile the idea that being a girlfriend and someday a wife and maybe even a mother didn't have to be incompatible with the rest of who I was. I would always be brash and bitchy, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad being a little soft. For him.
-Did you like hearing Rosalie's story?
-Did it help you understand why she treated Bella so badly?
-What did you think of Emmett?
