Cat took a deep breath, ready to read whatever was on the page out loud for the entire city to hear, when her leg vibrated, and she checked her phone for texts. She ignored it, but Bruce gave her frantic hand gestures that made her check anyway. It was from Alfred, saying, "Train was early. Coming home early. If anything is broken, I will kill you."
Dear Diary,
The kids were relatively quiet today. They were in Master Bruce's bedroom all day, not a peep coming from the room. Mister Crane and Miss Pepper brought a small backboard into the study, but that was nothing compared to some of the things they've done. Then, there was a knock at the door.
I answered it, and Detective Gordon was at the door with Detective Bullock.
"What's wrong, Detective Gordon?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Bruce called me saying there was an emergency."
I invited him in, and the kids came down the stairs with sombre expressions on their faces and papers in their hands. They sat Detective Gordon down on the couch, and Detective Bullock stared amused.
"Detective Gordon." Master Bruce said, looking down sadly. "We understand that your girlfriend Barbara is a complete psycho."
"We're here to help you over this difficult time. This is an intervention." Mister Kerr said, although with a slight grin.
Detective Gordon sighed, not knowing if the kids were joking, serious, or stupid. Neither did I. "Listen, kids. I appreciate it, but I'm fine. Barbara's-"
"Shhhhhhhhhhh..." All six kids whispered, holding their index fingers over their lips. "It's okay. We're going to help you through this."
Detective Gordon looked to Detective Bullock for help, but he just shrugged, "Hey, dude. I told you she was trouble. You deserve this."
Gordon shot him a scowl, and Miss Quinzel started reading off her sheet. "Thanks to Mister J, I know what true love is, and I'm eternally grateful to him. But I also learned how devastating it would be to lose him. I know that you loved Barbara, but she's now a total psycho."
She nodded, and moved back to join the others. Detective Gordon tried protesting with, "I'm over her, I don't need you to-" to which the kids replied, "Shhhhhhhh..." I decided it was time to stop this. "Kids, what do you think you're-"
"Cat, would you like to talk?" Miss Quinzel asked, and Miss Kyle stepped forward.
Detective Gordon yelled, "I'm completely fine! I don't need you kids to-"
"Thank you, Harley." Miss Kyle said, a slight smile showing through her pretend sadness. "Once, Bruce went away to Switzerland with Alfred for two weeks. So I broke into their house, stole their jewelry, sold it all, bought a bunch of bats, and filled the mansion with them."
"That was you?" I asked.
"Anyway, I understand that your ex-girlfriend is a total psycho, and love can make you do crazy things. I know it's probably why you threw a bunch of people out of windows."
Detective Gordon looked at her, growling. "That's not why I-"
"And I know it's why you hugged Bullock and touched his forehead like you were ET." Mister Kerr said.
"How did you know-"
"And I know your completely psychotic ex-girlfriend is why you're growing your hair out and gelling it up to look like Bruce's and Theo's and Jerome's and-" Mister Crane sighed.
Detective Bullock yelled, "That's what I said!"
"Shut up, Bullock. You started gelling your hair too."
There was yet another knock at the door, and I went to answer it, but Master Bruce cut me off. "That's our final guest."
"I told you, I'm over Barbara! What did you-"
I waited for him to walk over and open the door, revealing Mister Nygma standing at the door pushing a gurney. Strapped onto the gurney was Barbara Kean wearing a straitjacket, with a mask over her face and ropes tying her to the gurney.
Detective Gordon and Detective Bullock jolted upright, getting their guns out and pointing them at her.
"Why is she here?" he asked.
"We're going to end this right here and today with your totally psycho ex-girlfriend." Miss Pepper said.
Nygma took the mask off of Miss Kean. She stretched her neck and fluffed her hair up, smiling sweetly, "Hello, Jim. Nice friends you've got here."
Mister Kerr and Miss Quinzel pulled Detective Gordon towards his ex-girlfriend, and said, "Now, tell Barbara how you feel."
Detective Gordon shuffled uncomfortably while Detective Bullock tried holding back laughs. Detective Gordon said, "Hi, Barbara. Umm, I know that you're still a good woman, but I'm over you."
Miss Kean laughed loudly and evilly, filling the room with cackles. She sneered, "You and me are exactly the same. We both have darkness inside of us, eating us from the inside out. Why fight it, Jim? Just give in, and we can be together again. We can be free, and never have to worry about anything ever again." And she laughed evilly again.
"Barbara, that's enough." Detective Gordon said. "It's over. We're done."
"You shouldn't have done that, Jim." Miss Kean growled. "I have friends in high places, and they will destroy you. They will reduce this city to ashes and eat everyone in it alive, and I'll be sitting on my throne, laughing." She proceeded to cackle and whip her head wildly as Mister Nygma wheeled her out and back into the car.
"You know, kids." Detective Gordon sighed. "I think I do feel a little better."
Miss Kyle nodded. She yelled, "Okay, Ed, you can let her go now!"
"Wait, no!"
My head darted out the door, to find Mister Nygma untying Miss Kean. She burst free, kissed him, and ran off into the horizon, laughing crazily and stabbing a few pedestrians on the way.
The two detectives ran outside with their guns to track her down, and Detective Gordon yelled and shot his gun at Miss Kean, and all six kids dropped on the ground laughing hysterically.
"Okay, next week's intervention is with Ed. That guy was talking to himself in the mirror yesterday!"
The exact words of this suggestion were, "Gordon discovers his insane ex Barbara is pregnant and the kids do everything they can to remind him of it," but I changed it a bit. I actually think that Jim Gordon Jr. has a pretty good chance of making an appearance in this. You know Jim Jr.? Jim and Barbara's insane serial killer son? Yeah. By the way, I do understand and sympathize with Barbara a lot more now. The anger she feels to Lee for separating her and Jim is equal to the anger I feel to Silver for separating Bruce and Selina.
