A/N: Hi there! Once again, sorry for the delay, I am still very busy at the moment but, even if it may take me more time to update, I am doing my best to continue this fic and post new chapters regularly. I wanted to thanks Lilyth Celestyn and kimmyycubb for their reviews, and everyone who has faved or followed the story. I hope you will like this chapter and, as always, thanks you all for reading.


"You asked for my opinion, and I've given it. Why would you expect it to change?"

"I expect you to keep your word. It's relentless. I can't…"

"You give yourself too little credit." Cassandra said, cutting his explanation short.

"If I'm unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this. Would you rather save face than admit…"

This time, it was the door opening that interrupted him. He was already feeling on edge and Cassandra's unyielding position towards his simple demand was draining him, the last thing he needed was more disturbance. His anger simmering, he glanced at the door's direction and…his heart tightened painfully in his chest. As his anger vanished, Cullen felt sick, remorseful and deeply undeserving of the woman now walking towards him, her deep blue eyes settled on him with worry and unanswered questions.

He couldn't face her, not right now. His head down, his voice laced with sorrow, he walked away, feeling like the worst coward in whole Thedas.

"Forgive me." He said as he walked past her, unable to even hold her gaze.

He brushed past her and Trevelyan felt numb, able only to watch him go away, struck by the pain she could see on his face and hear in his words.

"And people say I'm stubborn. This is ridiculous." Cassandra said to Cullen's back. But he ignored her and closed the door behind him. Shaking her head in deep annoyance, the Seeker turned to a bewildered inquisitor. "Cullen told you that he's no longer taking lyrium?"

"Yes, he did, and I respect his decision." Trevelyan said after a few seconds, trying to put order to her thoughts. Lyrium. So she was right. There was a much bigger problem than what Cullen had let on this morning.

"As do I. Not that he's willing to listen. Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him."

"What?"

She looked, confused, at Cassandra, unable to believe her ears.

"I refused. It's not necessary. Besides, it would destroy him. He's come so far."

Cassandra's calm and assertive tone reassured her. If she thought Cullen needn't to be replaced, surely it wasn't that bad? But why hadn't he talked to her, why had he taken such a decision on his own. Stepping down from his position, it was no small thing!

"Why didn't he come to me?" She asked, more to herself than expecting an actual answer. She sounded defeated.

"We had an agreement long before you joined us. As a Seeker, I could evaluate the dangers. And he wouldn't want to… risk your disappointment." Cassandra said carefully, sensing the subject was a touchy one.

"My disappointment? I knew about all this before Cullen and I decided to see each other, I accepted it. Why is he evading the subject from of me?"

"It is not my place to say why, but Cullen doesn't have many good things to hold on to. The Inquisition, and you especially, completely changed that. It is not always easy to let your past come in the light of day, especially around people you care about and of whom you value their judgement."

Trevelyan sighed running a hand through her hair, messing her already messy braid. She clearly wasn't holding all the cards in this situation and she had to accept that it would remain so until Cullen was ready to tell her more about it. Yet, if there was to be a good outcome to all this, she needed to understand what was really going on in that thick head of his.

"Is there anything we can do to change his mind?"

"If anyone could, it's you. Mages have made their suffering known. But Templars never have. They are bound to the order, mind and soul, with someone always holding their lyrium leash. Cullen has a chance to break that leash, to prove to himself –and anyone who would follow suit- that it's possible. He can do this. I knew that when we met in Kirkwall. Talk to him. Decide if now is the time."

"So, for you, his life isn't in danger?" She asked tentatively and hopeful.

"I wish I could reassure you on this matter my friend. To my knowledge, no Templar has come so far and in such a good condition as Cullen has. I don't know what further challenge he might face, but if there is one thing that I am certain about him, it's that he has the will to overcome it."

"I know. I just hope that he will see it too."


Cullen stared at the box, lid open in front of him, his lyrium kit holding the little bottle that made him shake so much. Cullen felt empty, as if everything he had tried to build since he left Kirkwall was crumbling down, leaving him with nothing but the emptiness only that blighted substance could fill. He hated it, as much as he hated himself for still craving it. Overcome by his anger, Cullen grabbed the box and with a loud groan, threw it away across the room.

Just as Alexis walked through the open door, something flied at high speed in front of her and crashed against the door frame next to her head. Startled, she quickly glanced back and forth between the smashed box and Cullen's shocked face.

"Maker's breath! I didn't hear you enter. I…" He was alarmed, then, realizing she was fine, his mood swung again, anger, fear and now regret. "Forgive me." And he wasn't even sure why he was saying it. Was it for nearly hitting her with that box? Was it for their relationship hitting a rough spot because of him, or was it for being who he was, a broken man and an addict, and no longer being able to pretend that he was whole and that he didn't deserve her.

"As long as you weren't aiming at me, I'm sure the box had it coming." She said in jest, seeing that it fell into deaf ears, she quickly added: "Cullen, if you need to talk…"

"You don't have to…" He was walking around the corner of his desk when he was seized by a sudden and sharp pain shooting up through his legs. He groaned and had to brace himself on his desk to remain standing. Trevelyan immediately walked towards him, worry clear on her face. Panting a little while he was struggling to get a grip on himself, he thwarted her attempt at coming closer, gesturing that he could do this on his own. "I never meant for this to interfere." He finally said as he stood straighter, forcing himself to meet her eyes.

"Are you going to be all right?"

"Yes… I don't know." He finally admitted in front of her. She deserved he'd be honest with her, honest about everything. As hurtful as the memories were, as scary it was to talk about them until he was left bare and exposed in front of her, he had to tell her. "You asked what happened to Ferelden's circle when we were still in Haven. It was taken over by abominations. The Templars, my friends, were slaughtered." His anger was audible in his voice, the horror and ire he felt still strong as if it happened yesterday. He walked away, unable to remain in place until he was looking through the window. "I was tortured. They tried to break my mind, and I… How can you be the same person after that? Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my knight-commander, and for what? Her fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall's circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can't you see why I want nothing to do with that life?"

He looked back at Trevelyan, eyes intent on her yet unsure of the emotions he would read on her face. She was shocked, of course, learning of what happened to him, but above all else, there was worry in her eyes, and understanding.

"Of course I can. I…"

"Don't! You should be questioning what I've done. I thought this would be better, that I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won't leave me…"

He was in pain and Trevelyan had to shackle herself down not to run to him and take him in her arms. Yet she could somehow feel it wasn't what he wanted right now. He needed to let it all out without her interfering.

"How many lives depend on our success? Yours more than anyone else. I swore myself to this cause… I will not give less to the inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it!" He was pacing angrily and as he let these words out, he lost his temper. He threw a punch at the bookshelf in front of him, the force of the blow knocking out several books as he felt the raw pain in his fingers. "I should be taking it"

It was said barely louder than in a whisper and he hated himself for saying those words. For even barely wanting to take lyrium again, whatever the reason was. But how could he go on without it? He felt Alexis approaching, and there was no keeping her away from him this time, for there was nothing else to hide.

"This doesn't have to be about the Inquisition. Is this what you want?" She said as she laid her hand on his shoulder.

"No" Cullen finally said, his tension fading away a little underneath her touch, opening his fist and letting his hand fall back to his side as he turned towards Trevelyan. No he didn't want to take it, he wanted to stay true to the promise he made to himself, that he would be free of the order. The lyrium had always been a mean to an end when he was a Templar, a part of his duty. He never fell in love with it like some of his brothers did, those who were always first in line when it was distributed. He wanted to let it go…"But… these memories have always haunted me. If they become worse, if I… if I cannot endure this…"

"You can."

Faith, trust, both unconditional and absolute were conveyed in her words. And it shook Cullen in his very core, turned his world upside down. It was still so hard at times to believe in himself, believe that he deserved the title and rank of commander of the inquisition, that he deserved her. And as he was ready to fall, she was there to hold him, help him back on his feet and simply tell him, with all her heart, what she knew to be true: he would overcome it. And he believed her.

He looked at her, finding in those bright and perfect blue eyes of hers the same trust that had held her words. He didn't felt instantly well, but he was better and a small smile came to his lips.

"All right"

She smiled in return and softly laid her hand on his cheek, feeling the rasp of his stubble on her palm.

"I am here for you."

"I know. And I… was a fool for not coming to you about all this." Cullen said as he rested his hand against her own, lacing their fingers together.

"It's all right. How do you feel?"

"It's just a headache for now. The rest, it comes and goes. I can get back to work"

"Get back to work? Cullen you were ready to step down from your position just moments ago, you are not getting back to work." She said with a low chuckle, amused and yet utterly bewildered. "Resting, that's what you'll do, Commander."

"It's not necessary, I can…"

"You cannot. I won't allow it. You take the rest of the day off, Inquisitor's orders!" She added, crossing her arms with a pointed look when Cullen was ready to protest again.

"You know, you can be really bossy when you want." He said, his hand rubbing at the back of his neck, admitting he wouldn't win this round.

"And I warned you against letting me growing to like ordering Templars, or former Templars, about."

"Right."

And as Cullen didn't move right away, she gestured towards the ladder. Unable to help a small smile, he bowed to her will. He climbed up to his chamber, slower than usual, painfully feeling the weight of his armor, and his hands unsure on their grip. She wasn't wrong after all, he would clearly benefit from taking the rest of the day off. Walking towards his armor rack he started to unfasten the clasps of his pauldrons he heard Trevelyan climb up.

"What are you doing?" He asked, unable to stop his voice from quavering. He hadn't expected her to follow him.

"Making sure you do as I say." She responded with a grin, as she glanced around. It was the first time she was up here, in his chamber and she couldn't help her wandering gaze, taking in the details of the room, the hole in the roof and the bed with sheets in disarray, the overall feeling of military tidiness and standards ruffled by the makeshift nightstand and the books lying on the floor next to the bed.

"There's no need to trouble you further because of me, inquisitor." He said as he removed, with a painful clumsiness the last claps of his shoulder pad.

"Then, will you let me, Alexis, be here for you?"

Her voice softened, gone were the inflexions of authority and power of the inquisitor and Cullen turned around to take a better look at her. Walking the line between their professional and intimate relationship was hard at times. They were still learning how to act around one another and shifting from inquisitor and commander to simply Alexis and Cullen wasn't always easy. There was no doubt this time, no mask still worn or lingering awkwardness. There was only her, the woman he loved, asking to stay by his side, and he couldn't refuse her.

"Yes, of course." And as he was still struggling to get rid of his armor he softly gestured. "Could you?"

Picking up the hint she smiled and walked up to him. Long and deft fingers worked through the clasps and laces, untied the intricate knot closing his cloak, and removed it from his shoulders with slow and measured movements. Cullen let her be in control, moving only when she needed better access, and despite the pain, he felt a sense of peace in this moment. It was deeply intimate, in a way they never experienced before, as if Cullen was both plainly and figuratively, letting her see beneath his armor, letting her in, in a way he never let anyone else before.

The last piece of his armor was down, leaving him in his breeches and a simple cotton shirt. Alexis took his hand and, without a word, led him to the bed and helped him remove his boots before he lied down. She kicked off her ankle boots and climbed on the bed next to him. She placed a pillow in her lap and, silently, she asked him to come closer. Cullen moved, until he was resting between her legs, his head on the pillow, looking up at her with soulful eyes. She smiled softly at him, toying with his hair, relishing the feeling of his soft curls slipping through her fingers.

"Cullen?"

"Mmh?"

"I…I think I could do something that could help with the pain and your headache, but I'll have to use my magic. Is it all right with you?"

She knew he could still be wary of magic, depending on the circumstances, and after what he just told her, that he had been tortured by what was likely a maleficar and demons, she was very cautious with the subject.

His hand came to rest on her knee and a smile crept up his lips when he said: "I trust you."

She leaned towards him, laying a kiss on the top of his nose and whispered softly: "Close your eyes."

Cullen complied, without apprehension or fear. He felt safe there, with her, cradled by her body. He felt safer with her than with anyone else, and he felt loved. Alexis hand went to rest against his temple and as she softly pressed with her fingers, blue light briefly danced before his closed eyelids.

Her magic whirled peacefully around her hands, summoning and wielding her power as familiar to Alexis as her own name. It was a simple healing spell, meant to soothe the more dulling pain Cullen was enduring, and with it, a small hum of contentment came past his lips. Smiling, glad that she could bring him some kind of appeasement, she started to massage his head and as her fingers were running slow circles on his temple, a very thin layer of frost covered her hands.

Cullen was surprised when he felt Alexis' hands become cold, but he realized it helped and relieved his pain. He quickly lost track of time, having no idea for how long she massaged his head, her hands going from his temple to his forehead to his scalp and back again. All he knew was that he was completely lost in the pleasant and soothing feeling brought by her ministrations. As he drifted off into a peaceful slumber his last thought was about Alexis. She was a true miracle, not only because she had the power to save them all, but because she was his miracle, bringing so much light and hope and love in his life when he had forgotten about it all.

Alexis felt Cullen's body relax completely. She waited for him to be fully asleep her fingers softly treading through his hair. When she thought she had waited long enough she started to slowly pull away. But she hadn't taken into account take Cullen was anything but a sound sleeper, and as soon as she started to move, he shifted, rolled onto his side, circled her waist with his arms and he mumbled sleepily: "Stay."

It was said so adorably that she couldn't refuse him. With a smile on her face she lay down beside him and Cullen closed his embrace around her. Despite his sleepiness, he still had a lot of strength and easily settled her against him, his head resting on her breast. Alexis grinned, thinking about the inevitable blush that would color Cullen's cheek when she would tell him about his current position in the morning.

"You're all right there?" She asked softly, still running a hand through his hair, liking the way they were now curling around her fingers.

"Mmmh" He nodded, his hand splayed on her lower back, keeping her close to him.

Alexis smiled happily. Despite all the pain and all the scars they both carried, and despite the struggles they faced in their relationship, they would always find solace in those simple and peaceful moments they shared together. She closed her eyes and soon, lulled by the sound of Cullen's steady breathing, and the warmth of his body pressed against her, she fell asleep.


When Cullen awoke in the morning, the first thing that surprised him was that for the very first time in a very long time, it wasn't because of a nightmare. The second, was the body curled up against his side. He blinked a couple times, chasing away the lingering sleepiness, his memory quickly piecing back the events of the last day. Alexis had come up here, helped soothe his migraine and then, he had ask her to stay, hadn't he? She did, throughout the whole night, and the realization made him smile widely.

Cullen let his head drop back against his pillow, enjoying this rare moment of calm and intimacy. It wasn't how he had imagined they would spend their first night in the same bed together but it felt good. Trevelyan was still asleep and he didn't dare to move, not wanting to wake her up just yet. He marveled at how perfectly she fitted against him, nestled against his side. Wanting to feel her even closer to him, Cullen carefully laid his arm around her and opened his eyes in surprise when his hand touched the bare skin of her shoulder. Wasn't she still fully clothed when she had joined him in bed? It piqued his curiosity and he couldn't help but lift the sheets and shot a quick glance underneath it.

"Maker's breath" He muttered as he let the covers fall back into place. Feeling heat coloring his cheeks and his morning erection being awaken by the sight of the nearly naked woman lying beneath him. At some point during the night she apparently had discarded her clothes, probably too fitting for her to be comfortable while sleeping, and was now left wearing only her underwear and breast-band. She was… Cullen couldn't find the right word, all he knew was that the sight of her like that, her arm draped across his chest, her bare leg tangled with his, it was very intoxicating.

He was still trying to regain some composure when Alexis awoke. Her hand roamed across his chest as she wiggled closer to him, her chest pressed against him, and all of Cullen's effort to not be very aroused by her presence vanished.

"Good morning." He said softly, trying to focus his mind on something other than the physical reactions she elicited in him.

"Mmmhmornin'" She responded with a sleepy voice. "Sleep well?"

"Yes. Very."

"Good. Ya' need it" She said as she pulled away a little so she could look up at him.

When their eyes met, Cullen's heart swelled with how much he loved that woman. She had a stupid grin on her face, red marks on her cheek where it had rest against his shoulder as she slept, her eyes were laden with sleep and her tresses were spilled on her shoulders in a mass of unruly and wavy locks. She was perfect and adorable, Cullen thought. He turned on his side to face her, cupping her face in his hand. Forgetting how much she affected him was simply impossible.

"Did I ever tell you how lovely you are?"

"No." She chuckled, a lazy smile on her lips.

"Well," Cullen said as he leaned towards her, unable to resist the urge to kiss her. "You are absolutely lovely this morning, Lady Trevelyan."

"Even with my messy bed head? Wow, I wonder what compliment I might get from you once I'm decent, Master Rutherford."

"I don't know, right now, your… level of exposure plays in your favor." Cullen said in jest before capturing her lips in a slow yet deep and passionate kiss. He pulled her flush against him but as his hands slid around her and splayed flat on her back, he suddenly felt her tense for a brief moment before she sighed and relaxed. Cullen knew exactly what had been on her mind. His hand found her scars and, tenderly, he brushed it with the tip of his fingers. As their kiss broke, he looked into her eyes and said: "You know that this will never change how I feel about you."

"I know, I guess I need to get used to it. I've never been this close to anyone." She breathed, trying to sound steady even when her voice let show of her lingering insecurities.

"Me neither."

He confessed and parted her lips once more, hungry to taste her again and she yielded underneath his gentle assault. They kissed languidly, her body molded against his, Cullen, stroking her back, silently wishing that he could erase her scars purely by this simple touch of his hands. An impossible deed, he knew that well, and he swore to himself that he would do anything so one day, Alexis would never have to feel uneasy about those marks again.

Soon enough, the reality of feeling her, nearly naked, in his arms, their body tangled, their breath mingled as they kissed, made him feel very light headed and very hard. Cullen was glad to have such a will and ability to control himself, otherwise, he would have pinned her to the mattress, discarded whatever cloth was in his way and claimed her. Still, he realized in that moment, how deeply in trouble he was if simply being with Alexis in such an almost innocent situation could make his head spin with desire for her, and he wondered what would happen if all barriers were down between them. He had to admit that as much as he wanted to be close to her, and to cross that last boundary, it scared him a little. No women ever had such an effect on him. Alexis' smile was sufficient enough to make his blood boil, the sheer memory of her kisses making him more aroused than when he saw his past lovers naked. What control would he be able to keep over himself? Yes, he was scared, and yet he rarely had been more eager at the same time.

They parted, breathless, from their kiss and Cullen lay on his back, eyes closed, taking some much needed time to regain a semblance of composure. Beside him, Alexis was quiet for a moment, her hand tracing lazy patterns on his chest.

"I wish we could stay like this all day."

She whispered it softly, her voice tainted with an unmistakable sadness. Cullen's heart broke a little at her words for he wished he could offer her that. And they had what, perhaps a couple more hours left before they would both be unable to escape from their work any longer? Yet, a couple hours was more than nothing, and he intended to take advantage of it and to give her back some of the happiness she was bringing into his life. He could go to the kitchen and snatch whatever they needed to share a breakfast here, just the two of them, away from the noise and the prying eyes of the great hall.

"I never thought that the perspective of lying in bed all day would appeal to me, but you've certainly achieved that." He said, kissing her forehead. "I know it's not possible right now, but I have an idea. Wait for me here?"

She nodded in agreement and Cullen left the bed, Alexis' hands trailing over his abdomen as he slipped away from her grasp, missing her touch immediately. He opened the trunk where he kept all his clothes and was in the process of removing his pants after discarding his shirt when he distinctly felt a burning stare on his back. Stopping his movements he glanced towards Alexis. She was looking at him with hungry eyes that were roaming all over his form, and she did absolutely nothing to hide it when she met his gaze.

"Lex?"

"What?"

"You know what!" He said, raising a brow.

"That I am starring? Yes. Not my fault you're so sexy it should be a crime! What's a girl supposed to do?" She purred, her voice still sounding a bit sleepy and Cullen blushed furiously. "And I know I said it before, but you're really cute when you're blushing." She informed him, snatching his pillow to squeeze it in her arms.

"Not helping." Cullen said, rolling his eyes, and unable to prevent his breathing from quickening a little.

"Well, I already told you once that in the morning, my mouth has a will of its own until I had my tea. Especially when I had to play nice with Josephine's guests on the day before." Cullen frowned at her and with an exaggerate sigh she rolled onto her other side, burying her head in his pillow. "There, not staring."

Cullen couldn't help the smile that came to his face and that it stayed there the whole time it took him to change into a dark cotton pants and a clean shirt. She was often so composed and in control, it was good to see her relaxed and with her guard down.

"You never called me that way before." She said softly after a time.

"Mmh? What?"

"Lex. You never called me that. When we're together it's always Alexis, or Trevelyan when you want to make a point. You never used my nickname before."

It was true, he had called her by her nickname, the one Lara always used. It had just felt so right to say it that Cullen hadn't truly realized he was using it.

"Oh, right. Does it… bother you?" He asked tentatively as he came to sit on her side of the bed and laid his hand on the curve of her hip.

"No! Of course not. Actually, it's rather… nice to hear it from you."

She smiled shyly, looking at him with eyes holding more love and affection than Cullen ever thought he would receive in his entire life. His heart skipped a beat, his chest felt tight, and he couldn't hide the tremor in his voice when he responded.

"Good. Then I shall endeavor to use it more often." He leaned in and kissed the corner of her lips. "I won't be gone long."

"Okay."

He rose up and was beginning to climb down the ladder when Alexis shot him: "If one day your pillows disappear, don't worry, it's probably me."

"Why would you take them?"

"So I could have a pillow-you when I am away."

"You still have one of my gloves, it's not enough?" He chuckled, starting to climb down.

"They don't smell like you." She countered. "And I am planning on returning your precious glove, you just still haven't asked nicely for it."

"Lex?"

"Yeah?"

"You're adorable when you talk nonsense in the morning."

He heard her laugh and it was music to his ears. Nonetheless, he made a mental note to add a good cup of tea on the list of things to bring back from the kitchen.