She couldn't feel anything. After a half hour of overstimulation, Elsa couldn't tell when she was putting one foot in front of the other. She couldn't register the sensation of her dress draped over her damp form. She could hardly see. She stumbled against the walls as she distanced herself from the steam-filled bathing chamber, her face still sweating and her whole body tingling with shame and fear.
'My queen? Are you alright?'
A voice she barely recognized. It was a dream. Perhaps that's all it ever was.
'S-she wants to see Princess Anna. Has she returned to the palace yet?'
Gerda. Gerda was still near. Elsa wanted to throw up. Her chest heaved, and she clenched her mouth shut as tightly as possible. Did her idiocy know no bounds? With a seemingly clear head, Elsa understood how grave of an error she had just made. Where had her logic gone? How could she have ever thought what she had just done could be okay in any reality? She didn't understand it. Upon reflection, her actions made no sense to even her. Her mind was in chaos, and thoughts of losing Anna after just progressing their relationship plagued her very ability to function. There was no basis for her prior reasoning. Anna would never break up with Elsa over her inexperience sexually. She would, however, reconsider her affection if Elsa was unfaithful…primarily barely a couple of hours into their heartfelt confessions to one another. Why had Gerda's words made so much sense in the heat of the moment? Why had anything made sense? Elsa had stopped it before it went too far, thankfully, but even still…
It was just practice. It didn't mean anything. Elsa didn't care for Gerda in that way at all.
But I was drawn to her. I was attracted to her naked form. I barely stopped it from getting out of hand.
It was the curse. Elsa was being affected. Gerda had a piece of Devil in her. They both were manipulated.
No. Cheap excuses. Easy ways out. Weakness. Incompetence. Irresponsibility.
'Princess Anna has yet to return. The festivities in the square should be over soon, so she won't be long. Does the queen need her?'
That tone again. That strangely bewildering tone of accusation. Elsa breathed harshly, pushing past the guard and striding through the palace in as straight a line as she could manage.
'Yes. M-my queen needs her sister. That is all there is to it.' Elsa heard Gerda say in a curiously abnormal way. She was regaining her senses. She could hear again. Her vision remained cloudy, but her pulsating brain spurred her onward.
Anna. Anna. Anna. What had she done? Why had she allowed such a thing to happen?
She wanted to do it for Anna…but that was only partially why. It was an excuse. It was convenient reasoning. Gerda was a low-hanging fruit that Elsa knew could be plucked without consequence if she so desired. Her loyal maid. Her alluring, little maid that would do anything – anything – for Elsa with no questions asked. She practically threw herself at the queen, and the monarch, with her infinite stupidity and talent for crushing any relationships she built, nearly accepted, thinking she might be benefitting Anna in the end.
Elsa had never been interested in her own sexuality or engaging in any physically intimate acts with others. She didn't know anything of them and didn't care to know. She was too busy combating her own birth defect. Magical powers. Ice powers. Powers that could hurt others with but a simple thought.
Then, the suitors came. Then, Elsa had to think about herself as a woman and a sexually capable being. Then, Elsa discovered she was "defective" in this area as well. She was more attracted to women than men. Then, she began exploring her own body. Then, she found the allure of lewd practises. Then, she was elevated into a rapturous state by her sister's confirmation of love. Then, like a child being pulled back for years and years and finally released, Elsa found herself flying through the air, high on what she could have and even higher on the idea of making love with Anna at last.
Shattered.
It was the rise and fall. And Elsa blamed nobody but herself. She wouldn't dismiss her foolishness. She wouldn't do anything but face it head on. She had, at the very least, learned to stop running from her actions. Anna was too precious to her to lie to, and that's why, in the heat of the moment, Elsa wouldn't turn away from the grotesque reflection that awaited her. She would admit her near-misconduct to Anna and let her sister decide her fate. She knew it was likely the end, but she could never forgive herself if she wasn't completely honest with Anna. She deserved that much. She deserved so much more; perhaps more than Elsa, with all her emotional ineptitude, could ever hope to provide.
'Please…leave me, Gerda. I have wronged us both.' Elsa said once she had enough distance between herself and the palace, the cool night air cold on her still somewhat damp head.
'N-no! You didn't do anything in the end! It was me! I am at fault! M-my queen…! I-I…I…I had to…! D-D…!'
'Stop. Just stop.' Elsa lifted her hand, magic caressing her bare limb unconsciously. Her emotions were erratic at best. She was fighting to barely keep them in some form of check. Her mind pinged, and Elsa could feel the ground beneath her crackling with freezing discomfort. 'I almost allowed it to happen. You presented the idea. I was so close to losing myself and accepting it all.'
'You barely did a thing, my queen. Truly. You remained in control almost completely. But I pushed you too far…I-it wasn't practise to me, and I knew I could…'
'You forced nothing on me, Gerda. You were…reasonable. I was weak, selfish, ignorant, and…just…horrible. I never learn. I break everything I touch. Even after hearing how Anna felt. Even after becoming aware of how fragile she was. Even after it all…!' Elsa's voice shook and she covered her mouth, coughing violently as her eyes watered and her heart almost broke through her chest.
She was going to lose Anna. She was going to lose her again over something so incredibly senseless.
'Why do I do such things, Gerda? Why!? I had everything. I had everything for hardly a few hours and now…now…'
'My queen…I-I…'
'Leave me. This is something I must do on my own. I will not pretend it didn't almost happen. I will not. I will let Anna decide my innocence or guilt; not you.'
'My queen…! Please! I…I knew I could…Queen Elsa – !'
Elsa pushed past her maid and began her way to the square. The laughter had died some, with the children notably gone and only the adults and elderly remaining, quiet conversations of relaxed joy still occurring as the last of the lanterns burned out. Elsa scanned the area rapidly, her vision blurring again. She was alone. When she was in this very spot before, Anna was with her, the two girls excited yet nervous about their prospective future together.
'H-hrk…' Elsa coughed again. The ground froze beneath her, but she pressed forward. Residents of Arendelle attempted to speak to the queen, but she scarcely managed a half-hearted dismissal. Anna would've been kinder. Anna would have smiled. Elsa did everything in her power not to hurl. They were ever opposites.
Eventually, a pair of guards approached their queen, evidently puzzled by her perplexing state and apparent frenzy.
'Where is Anna?'
'Princess Anna? She went to the pier with Kristoff not ten minutes ago.'
'Are you alright, my queen?'
'I am not, but do not follow me. I will be fine. I just need my sister.'
The queen didn't wait for an answer. She ran. She ran as fast as her un-athletic form could carry her. She ran beyond her capabilities. She felt the tears streaming past her eyes and into her ears. She stumbled. She tripped. She couldn't stop doing so. She pounded on the pavement, the darkness of the night shielding her from onlookers. Guards were likely nearby, but for all they knew she was a drunk woman from the party. Nonetheless, most of her men were good people, and they would be offering Elsa assistance if she lingered in despair much longer. She grunted, staggering upward, and began running again, her form a mess and her mouth grit in permanent pain.
She didn't want to lose her. She didn't want to lose her! Anna! Anna! Anna!
Another collapse. The pier wasn't getting closer. Elsa's knees were bleeding, and her shins stun with scratches full of small fragments of pavement. Elsa screamed with her mouth closed. If only she could wake up. If only this was a nightmare. If only she wasn't so broken to begin with.
Powers she didn't understand. Locked away for years. Treated as a monster. Parentless. Expected to rule a kingdom. Expected to be perfect. Expected to be the idol everyone needed.
'You've never looked more beautiful than you do now, "Queen" Elsa.' A voice slithered, flicking its tongue in Elsa's ear and making her flinch. The queen blinked, and her shadow split into every direction around her, scaling the walls of buildings and creating a tent about her trembling, dishevelled form.
A figure appeared before the queen, and Elsa could almost taste the sheer weight of his presence. It was the same as before. Her brain caught on fire.
'Devil…' Elsa uttered, pressing her hand into the ground and freezing everything around her instantly. But the ice hushed into ash at a snap of a finger, and a deep, dangerous chuckle could be heard echoing about the queen.
'You're already trapped. Trapped and listening. Trapped in so many ways. Anna will surely not accept you now, will she? If you tell her what happened, she is gone forever. You know this to be true. You know there is only one singular way out of this disaster brought about by your foolish, foolish unharnessed lust.'
Elsa couldn't find the source of the voice. It was all around her and in her mind at once. Her first direct encounter with Devil, and she was an emotional disaster, incapable of even thinking straight. This was clearly some form of mental attack, and Elsa was in no form to counter it. Devil's timing, as per usual, was perfect.
'I stopped it before it was too late, but…I won't lie to her about the temptation and what little I did…permit.' Elsa grunted, her body feeling as though it was being pulled at from every direction.
'You don't have to "lie". Just omit the truth. Don't speak of it again. Don't think of it again. If you'd like…I could even remove the memory altogether. It will be as if it never happened. A clean break. Happiness with your sister forever. How simple. Just like before. Just like with her memories of your magic as little girls.'
Elsa didn't doubt Devil was capable of such a feat. If he could create a world of darkness that trapped even Elsa, then why couldn't he twist her mind further? Permission. He needed permission. But why? Too many questions where Devil was concerned. One thing Elsa did know, however, was that making a deal with the devil was the last thing she should do. No. she wouldn't take the easy way out. She wouldn't claim ignorance. She wouldn't betray Anna any further with her own cowardice. Never. Not to the woman she loved.
'No.'
'No?' Devil's tone was almost always levelled and in control, but Elsa thought, even through her anguish, she caught a hint of irritation in that single word.
'No. I love her.'
'Then all the more reason to…'
'I won't.'
A pause, and then another deep chuckle.
'It would appear that a miscalculation has been conducted. Little devils will be little devils, I suppose.' A heavy silence, with Elsa barely maintaining her sanity as it slipped alongside her instability within the void. 'Ah, well. This should prove intriguing, regardless. Undeserving of punishment, surely. I await the ensuing drama…'
'Elsa…! Oh, my gosh! Elsa!?'
Elsa hacked into her hand and was back, the night returned to its former reign and the pain all about stabbing with every second that passed. Anna's voice. Anna had found her. Anna…
'Whoa! E-Elsa! Here, Anna, let me help her up onto Sven.'
Kristoff. Kristoff…He deserved her so much more than Elsa. He would never hurt her. He wasn't scum. He wasn't a slug. He didn't deserve the salt.
'I need to speak to Anna…' Elsa muttered, but that's all she could recall. Her world was darkness anew. Devil didn't return. Elsa didn't need him to. She was her own demon.
Finally, Elsa awoke, and she did so in her own bedroom, changed into a nightgown. For a moment, she imagined that it had all been a dream, and perhaps she could've convinced herself of as much if she allowed it, but she wouldn't. She refused to. Devil's voice lingered in her mind, but she would never forgive herself so easily.
Wide awake, with the moon high in the sky on a clear summer night, Elsa slipped out of bed only to discover that Anna had been snoring beside her, her auburn hair beginning to show signs of her infamously tangled morning style. The sight of the beautiful girl, with the pale light piercing through the curtains illuminating her adorable form, twisted the knife in Elsa's heart even more.
The queen rubbed her eyes and glided out onto her balcony, stealthily shutting the door behind her and welcoming the breezy air and the quiet of the world that came with it. She couldn't believe how distraught she still was. She couldn't believe how miserable every fibre of her being remained. This was her punishment. Not only would she lose Anna, but this feeling, this anxiety caused by a decision that could affect her whole life here onward, would likely never go away.
Love was work. Love was a choice. Love was something Elsa clearly couldn't handle.
She wouldn't get married. She wouldn't have a family. She would simply rule Arendelle on her own. It would be fine. Elsa had wanted solitude so desperately at one point anyway, right? How was this any different?
Lies. Lies. Lies. When would she stop lying?
Elsa's lips trembled and she bit down hard, scarcely controlling the spasms. The tears wouldn't stop. She didn't feel pity for herself; she felt hate. She felt disgusted. She felt like she didn't even belong in her own body. She kept telling herself that she was at least intelligent enough to see where her encounter with Gerda was going and stopping it, but the fact it even got that far was a burden Elsa couldn't expect Anna to understand nor bear. It wouldn't be fair whatsoever.
'Psst. Hey, you.'
Elsa was so absorbed in her own mind that she didn't even notice Anna sneaking out onto the overlook with her. Her sister's playful tone brought a spark of pure excitement to Elsa's soul, but then it also brought thrice the sadness. She couldn't find her voice. She could barely move.
'You okay? That was pretty freaky back there. I kinda told the guards that you were super tired and stuff, but they were giving me weird looks the whole time.'
Elsa couldn't look at her. She couldn't. She gripped at the balcony's railing so tightly that her knuckles went completely white.
'Um…I cleaned up your knees and legs. You were pretty scuffed up, huh? What happened?'
'I…' Elsa tried, but that was as far as she could get. Her ability to speak scratched at the inside of her throat.
'Oh. Um…D-did you…um…?' Anna grew tentative suddenly, patting out her hair and shuffling awkwardly. 'You saw, didn't you?'
'Saw…?' Elsa slurred.
'I…Jeez. It was just…I couldn't completely ignore him and stuff. I…uh…I kissed Kristoff. H-he was just being so…so Kristoff…and he leaned in to kiss me. What was I supposed to do? Y-you wanted me to wait until tomorrow at least, right? Or today? I guess it's today now. Anyway! I'm sorry. Really. It was just a peck.'
Elsa almost lost the strength in her legs. Anna looked so ashamed. She was so afraid that she had hurt Elsa with such an innocent display. The queen looked down from her balcony and wouldn't deny thinking about it. She could never, but the thought, no matter how insane, did cross her mind for a fraction of a second. The contrast between Anna's transgressions and Elsa's sobered the queen, re-establishing the guilt and filth that had caked her before finding some relief in emotionless sleep.
'Anna…'
'W-what? That tone is kinda weirding me out, Elsa.'
'I don't know how to say this.' The tears again, but she held her ground. No running. No hiding.
'What, Elsa? W-what?' Now Anna was afraid. She sounded terrified. Elsa was the source of her worst nightmares all over again.
'I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, but please don't forgive me.'
'You're not making sense, Elsa.'
Sucking in a deep breath of air and hesitating for more than a minute, Elsa explained what had happened between herself and Gerda. She left not a single detail out. She owned all of it.
'Stop…' Anna begged when she began to comprehend.
Elsa only sought advice for Anna's sake, and somehow, she allowed the situation to get nearly out of control. Nearly. It could have been so much worse, but it could have been avoided completely as well.
'Stop, Elsa…'
She did it for Anna, but she was also seduced into allowing the "practice" to turn into something clearly more intimate upon reflection.
'No. Elsa…N-no…'
Elsa was speaking through sobs by the end, but she minced no words, and held nothing back. She couldn't, and she told Anna as much. Until Elsa mentally collapsed, she said everything she could recall with accuracy.
'Don't love me, Anna.' Elsa blubbered. 'T-there is something very, very wrong with me.'
There. It was done. They would be sisters again. Elsa waited for Anna's reaction, and by the end, her little sister wasn't crying. The tears stopped. She was only staring. She was stunned into silence. Anna, the individual who never lacked for words, couldn't speak with audible dialogue.
She spoke with an action that Elsa would have never anticipated.
Anna slapped her. She slapped Elsa so hard the queen lost her balance and fell to the ground. Then the balcony was abandoned, and Elsa remained alone, her whole face aching and the inside of her mouth bleeding from the unexpected impact of Anna's incredible right hook. Small wonder Hans had been sent flying…
Elsa remained as long as she could, staring at the pale ground and wondering when the world would ever seem semi-normal again. What was normal to her? Did normal even exist?
Anna's harsh sobbing forced Elsa to her feet, the queen pushing herself into her room and shutting the balcony's door. She stood at the doorway, surprised her sister remained at all. She wasn't just crying; she was wailing so loud Elsa was sure a guard on night duty would come by to check on the royal sisters. Anna screamed into her hands, her small, hunched over body trembling on Elsa's bed.
It was as though Elsa was watching the scene from outside of her own body. She felt so distant and misconfigured. She didn't know how to act or what to do other than watch her sister crumble. If this was how Anna felt when Elsa had stopped what she knew was happening partway, what would have happened if Elsa had given in completely?
'Why…?' Anna finally muttered.
'I…don't know.'
'Do you love her?'
'No!'
'Then why, Elsa? Why!?'
'Because I love you. No. That's not why. I was scared…and then…I…I thought…But then…'
'You don't want to be with me?'
'I only want to be with you!'
'But then you go and…and do that!? How does that make sense!?'
'It doesn't.'
'I-I mean, you didn't go "all the way", or whatever, thank goodness, but you thought for even a second that I would ever, ever think any less of you if you couldn't…what? Perform? Do you hear how insane that sounds? I love you! I love you so much my heart can't take it anymore! This breaks me and you barely even did anything! That's how much I love you! This breaks me so much and…and it's so much worse than the other two times! Two times, Elsa! This is the third strike! What am I supposed to do? How was I going to react in your imagination? "Oh? We just told each other how much we're in love, but you need to play around a bit with Gerda first before anything becomes official? Sure! No problem! Actually, can you hold on for, like, maybe two or five more minutes? I think Kristoff needs a good ol' proper send off! I owe him that much, right? He's been good enough. Might as well give him my…my…".' Anna covered her face and muffled the spasms of sobs.
'But you didn't. You didn't go that far. Oh, gosh. You stopped it. You…you stopped it from going crazy. It hurts so much, and you hardly did a thing. Jeez. I know for sure I love you beyond anything, because right now, I actually can't even feel my face I'm so upset.' Anna slapped her cheeks, laughing and crying, her normal coping mechanisms completely out of control. Anna stared at Elsa through a blur of tears, her wreckage destroying the older sister with ease. 'How did it feel to even think about me being with Kristoff like that?'
'…Horrid.' Elsa admitted easily, because she had done so on multiple occasions, full of hypocrisy. Anna laughed in distress and then shook her head over and over.
'I tried, Elsa…' She went on, squeaking almost.
'Tried…?'
'When I realized just how much I cared about you…and that you loved me. It was…when I needed to "sort some things out", you know? I tried…'
'I don't…'
'I was on top of him. I was almost naked. He wanted to. I could…feel it. B-but…I couldn't. I didn't love him in that way. Only you. I could only think of you…and our kisses…and the mere thought of being intimate with you. I made him touch me. My chest. It…just hurt…because it wasn't you.'
Elsa's breaths came out in wisps of frost, her eyes shaking and her chest heaving in distraught.
'This was…before you told me how you felt?'
'Yeah. It was. It was my last try at a "normal" life.' Anna sniffed, still crying and wiping the tears streaming down her cheeks. 'I knew it was pointless, but I had to make sure…'
'Anna…' Elsa shook her head.
'Do you get it? What I feel right now even a little bit?'
'Oh, Anna…' Elsa wept.
'I want us to experience it for the first time together…' Anna bawled. 'I-it will be so…s-so fun! Can you imagine? You and I bumbling around trying to figure it all out? Now, I won't be able to stop myself from thinking about Gerda when that finally does happen. But…but at least it can still happen. It will still basically be your first time, so I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine! Oh, Elsa…Elsa! I'm just so…so sad…!'
'…Me too…' Elsa whispered under her breath. She couldn't feel anything but sorrow.
'I knew we were messed up, Elsa…I knew it. Two sisters don't go through what we did and stay okay. I thought you had it a little more together than me. Obviously I was wrong.'
'Yes. I know.'
'Elsa…' Anna breathed shakily. 'Elsa…I feel so….so betrayed. Please tell me the curse did it. Tell me Gerda forced you. Tell me you were drunk or…or something.'
'…I wish I could.' Elsa thought of Devil's offer, but ushered it away. 'Yet, I can't. I won't…'
Anna gasped and pushed her hands through her hair, ruffling it and screeching with her mouth clamped shut.
'But it doesn't make sense. No matter how many times I play it in my head…I-it just doesn't work. You would never almost do such a thing. It's too much. It's too bizarre…even for you.'
'But I nearly did, Anna. I know I was so close.'
'M-maybe…but there has to be more to it.'
'Anna!'
'I can't do it, Elsa! I can't, okay!? I'm just as messed up as you! Even if everything you tell me is true I…' Anna stood up and turned to her sister, jumping across the room and pinning Elsa to the wall uncharacteristically, her emotions so torn and erratic that anything went for her at this point. 'I can't stop feeling…so…so very strongly for you…'
'Anna…?' Elsa's eyes were wide, and she didn't dare believe there was even the smallest fragments of hope.
'I'm an idiot, right? I'm dumb. I never, ever learn. It's like I want to be hurt.' Anna stepped away from Elsa and wiped her eyes over and over, her face swollen from the extreme wretchedness holding tightly onto her. 'B-but that's where I stand right now. I don't believe you. I don't believe that you did something like that of your own will. I won't believe it. W-why?'
Anna gripped her own face and scrunched her eyes shut.
'Because I love you. And I think you really do love me, too. You wouldn't have been able to stop otherwise. S-so…I'm just going to be an idiot and go to cry in my room for a bit.'
'Anna…'
'Nope. That's it. That's all I'm going to say right now. Sorry, Elsa, but you mess my head up, and now I really, really do need a night to sleep on this all.'
Elsa grimaced, fully aware of the protection Anna placed around herself now. She was ever the selfless one. She was ever the romantic. She was ever the light that Elsa couldn't live without. She equipped armour that protected her spirit so she could speak semi-rationally despite crumbling outwardly. Elsa wanted to hold her sister and tell her repeatedly how sorry she was, but Anna knew. She knew Elsa better than she knew herself at times. She placed Elsa on such a pedestal that she simply refused to believe she could ever do something so ridiculous and out of sync with her normal personality.
Perhaps she was right, but Elsa wasn't going to put her faith in such speculation. She thought too little of herself now. As Anna left, her shoulders quivering and her stature small, Elsa turned to the dark corner of her room where the mirror had been for a long while, Devil's slippery actions rapidly playing through her mind and filtering through her scenarios at incredible speed. The queen's adrenaline was fueling her need for action of any kind. And thus, Elsa, the ice queen and leader of Arendelle, sister of Anna whom she knew she couldn't love more and now had to prove as much, stepped out onto her balcony and leapt over the edge, a blue flash of light exploding from the ground in a brilliant display of unrestrained resolve, power, and despair.
