Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

It happened, one night, that a raptor was caught

By scientists, who were a pitiless lot

They managed to carry him back to their base

For raptors like Charlie, there was no worse place

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

O'er the badlands of 'Heller, a chopper did fly

To carry two people back into the sky

For Alan and Ellie were sick with the flu

At least, that's the story told by Dr. Wu

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

With Ian, they flew to the island with dread

They knew Ellie had to be somewhat misled

The note with their secret, she found in the night

A Troödon read it, and soon did take flight

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

They met a blonde scientist, Robin by name

Who was crazy and kooky and strange, for a dame

They had a big fight and they frightened a nurse

No one could imagine that things would get worse

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

They solved all their problems and went for a swim

They interviewed Ian, they listened to him

When Robin arrived and described a machine

Some valid opinions, our heroes did glean

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

They met up with Harding, to Ian's chagrin

He hid 'neath the trailer, while others went in

They hiked up a trail to meet Wu in a shed

But Ellie was zapped, and they feared she'd be dead

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

So, Alan did take her down to the VC

But couldn't find help, and would soon have to flee

For Ellie had changed while she rolled on the floor

As a T-Rex, she found herself chased out the door

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

Now, Ellie was doleful and down on her luck

And soon on the wild side of Nublar, was stuck

But Robin found Ian and told him to wait

And meet her at midnight to change Ellie's fate

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

They met up with Robin and Orange, her cat

She wanted a friend, and to her, they were that

And Ellie was frightened, she nearly was killed

But by a fence, our noble hero was grilled

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

She met up with herrers, a difficult bunch

But since she did save them, she wasn't their lunch

She met up with Alan, they got chased by Wu

And Robin was shot in her clavicle, too

Oh, I'll tell you the story of Ellie McGee

Who was noble and kind, as a lass ought to be

She came to our island one bright, misty day

And to our surprise, she decided to stay

On tall, sandy cliffs, where the allosaurs roam

Our heroes could not feel much farther from home

A dino attacked them, and they were appalled

When Robin was suddenly torn, maimed, and mauled

"Well, that's graphic!"

"Shush, Robin. It's our history . . ."

"History, my ass! Since when was Ellie's last name 'McGee'?"

"Since shut up, that's when!"

"Ack!"

"Guys, guys! Stop fighting. We're just having a little fun . . ."

"Ah, well, we don't have many good stories, I'm afraid."

"Sure, we do! Alan, tell them the puddle story."

"Everyone's sick of the puddle story! Ack! Can't we have something new?"

"What, you mean like a collection of short stories from Isla Nublar?"

"Sure, why not? We all have interesting stories to tell. Well, except for Sarah."

"Hey!"

"The truth hurts, honey."

"Alright, you win. So, who's going first?"

"Me!"

"Other than Robin? . . ."

"Ack!"

"We all have to take turns . . ."

"But we don't have to go in any particular order, right?"

"Of course not. This doesn't have to make chronological sense."

"Yeah! It's not like these events were all tied together by a convoluted plan, formed by an altruistic, if somewhat sassy, deity! . . ."

". . . Right . . ."

"Let's begin."

"Alright, if everyone's as sick of the puddle story as you say, maybe it's time we talked about another happening, featuring Ellie and myself."

"You mean the one where I get plastered and start yelling at frightened people?"

"There was more to it than that."

"If you say so . . ."

"And I do. It all began on a chilly summer's night, while Ellie and I were digging up a very interesting specimen in Montana . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

I remember it was cold, very cold, as summer was coming to an end. We had painted ourselves into a corner, so to speak, by starting our dig so late in the season. We wanted to get our triceratops out of the ground before the snow arrived, so we were in kind of a hurry. It was a nice specimen, though not very complete.

We were just finishing up with one of the front legs, when I turned to Ellie and said, "You know, I really ought to meet your parents sometime."

She gave me a look of absolute incredulity and laughed as though I had been joking.

"Trust me: you don't want that," she said seriously.

I shot her a playful look.

"It's only fair: you've met my parents . . ."

"Yeah, but this is completely different!" Ellie protested, "My dad's too busy to fly down from Washington, and my mom? . . . Well, she's a monster!"

I chuckled lightheartedly.

"She can't be that bad . . ."

"Yeah. She's WORSE."

I rolled my eyes and picked the dirt away from the trike's toe. Grabbing the toothbrush, I rubbed at it gently, hoping to unearth the specimen. I wasn't at a good angle.

"Hey, Ellie. Y'mind switching sides so we can work on this one together?" I asked.

She nodded. Instead of standing up, however, she rolled over my back and landed on the other side. With a coy smile, she began to dig.

"So, about your mother . . ."

Ellie cuffed me on the shoulder.

"I don't want you to meet her. Period."

"But we've been seeing each other for over a year . . ."

"Yes, and in that time, I've grown quite attached to you."

"Glad to hear it."

Ellie turned to me with a pleading look on her face.

"Alan, I like you. A lot. If you met my mother, I would lose you, and I don't want that."

"Don't be ridiculous! I wouldn't let a little thing like th-"

She put her hand on mine.

"Alan, please. You don't understand. This woman is . . . awful. I don't want her to ruin our relationship. Please. Drop it."

I nodded slowly.

Once we had finished unearthing the toe, Ellie did another barrel roll over my back to get to the other side. She continued her work where she had left off. I watched as she scraped at the sand with determination. I always admired the way she went about digging: she worked with purpose, but her actions were gentle. She noticed my fascination and gave me a self-conscious look.

"What? . . ."

I took a deep breath.

"Are you SURE-"

"Yes!" she barked, "And don't ever ask again. It's a bad idea."

"Okay. I believe you."

Ellie gave a satisfied nod and went back to work. When she had completed a large quadrant, she sighed and rolled over me again. This time, however, she stopped halfway, so that we were lying back-to-back. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked up at the sky as it grew dark.

"The stars are nice tonight . . ." she remarked vaguely.

"They're nice every night," I replied.

"Yeah, but I've only started to pay attention to them now. They're bright out here."

"Well, there's no pollution to get in the way . . ."

Ellie hummed happily and closed her eyes. I looked up at her from over my shoulder. She was unusually pensive after our little discussion. So was I, for that matter, but for a different reason.

"Ellie . . ."

"Mhm?"

"Do you really think I'd leave you, just because you have a bad mother?"

She shifted a little and began to pick at her nails.

"Well . . . It's not so much about you, personally. No one would stay with me if they met my mother. No one. But I imagine you'd last longer than most of my other boyfriends . . ."

"Why's that?"

"Because you're too polite to dump me on the spot."

I laughed.

"Not because I'm fiercely loyal?"

"Well, that too."

We sat quietly for a while, still back-to-back, listening to an orchestra of crickets. It was wonderful to feel Ellie's presence, to sense every breath that she was taking . . . but that also made it harder for me to admit that I had made a terrible mistake.

"Ellie . . ."

"Yeah?"

"Would you be mad if I . . ."

I broke off.

"If you what? . . ." Ellie asked, propping herself up on one elbow. I shook my head and sighed.

"What I mean to say is: what if we were forced to meet your mother?"

Ellie laughed.

"Don't worry about that. If we ignore her letters, she won't be a problem."

"But say- hypothetically- that we had to meet her."

"That's never gonna happen."

"It might . . ."

Ellie snuffed.

"Alan, I've purposefully and diligently withheld the details of my career from her. She doesn't know where I live, and she doesn't know that I'm in a relationship. As long as I don't reply to the letters that she sends to the post office, we're safe."

I bit my lip.

"What if we bump into her?"

"We won't. She lives in a different 'niche' than we do. She's a social butterfly. We're . . . antisocial moths, I guess."

"But what if we got invited to one of her parties?"

"We'd ignore the invitation, just like-"

"Specifically, the one that's taking place next Friday at eight . . ."

Ellie turned around slowly with wide eyes.

"Alan . . . You didn't . . ."

I cringed awkwardly.

"I might have . . ."

Almost immediately, Ellie's demeanor changed. She looked simultaneously ill, shocked, and melancholic. I held my forced smile, hoping that it would help. It didn't.

"What have you done? What have you DONE?" Ellie bleated.

"Look, Ellie, it had to come to this eventually . . ."

"No, it didn't! Things were so perfect . . ."

I raised my eyebrow.

"Perfect?"

"Y- Well- I- You know what I mean!"

I nodded.

"I'm sorry."

Ellie shook her head.

"Don't be. I should have known . . ."

"So . . . you're not mad at me?" I asked hopefully. Ellie frowned.

"I'm furious. I might need a minute to calm down."

"Take all the time you need."

I watched as Ellie stood up and headed for the trailer. She clattered up the steps and shut the door firmly behind her. I went back to work, brushing off the fossil. I dropped my utensils, however, when a stream of obscenity resounded from where the trailer was parked. Shortly after, the sound of kicking and punching echoed off of the canyon walls.

I don't think Ellie knew that I could hear her.

When she had calmed down, I met her by the trailer door. She sighed and gave me a gentle hug. I could tell, by the way she held on to me, that she didn't want to let go. Well, that was fine by me.

I drove her home in my hunk-of-junk car and we shared a kiss by the door. Leaning against me, Ellie sighed and closed her eyes.

"You shouldn't have done it . . ."

"I know, but don't worry: she's probably not as bad a y-"

Ellie pulled away.

"I told you: she's WORSE!"

"I don't believe you."

Ellie bit her lip and looked down the street. I turned her around so that we were face-to-face, and she gave me a pleading look.

"Don't worry. Everything is going to be fine," I said.

As I walked over to my car, I turned back for one last look at Ellie. I raised my hand to wave, but she was turned the other way. Feeling silly, I dropped my hand and got into my car. Just as I did, Ellie turned and waved to me, but with my back turned, I missed it too.

In this way, we said goodbye.

***TSJPFEW***

When I arrived at Ellie's house on that fateful Friday night, she greeted me in her nightgown. She had placed a tub of ice cream on her glass table, and "All By Myself" was playing on her stereo in a not-so-subtle pity-grab. Her hair was tangled and unwashed, and she had bare feet.

"I'm not going," she said simply.

"El-lie!"

"It's going to be a disaster."

"No, it's not."

With a pained whine, Ellie fell forward like a chopped tree and landed on my chest.

"This is going to be the worst night of your life," she mumbled through my tuxedo. I smiled and patted her head.

"I never have a bad time when I'm with you . . ."

She groaned.

"C'mon. You ought to get dressed, now," I said softly, "Otherwise, I've rented this suit for nothing . . ."

She frowned angrily and clattered up the stairs. When she came down, I gave her a big smile.

"How do I look?" she asked as she struggled to put in her left earring.

"Breathtaking."

Ellie rolled her eyes and unlocked the door.

"Alright. Let's get this over with."

***TSJPFEW***

It snowed that evening. I was worried that Ellie would slip in her high heels (indeed, she was rather unskilled in the art of fancy-walking), so I held her up with my elbow. She teetered back and forth, but I didn't mind, because she'd lean in towards me every time she did.

We trudged through the snow and arrived at a large banquet hall, where Mrs Sattler had prepared an elegant cocktail party. I was immediately intimidated by the cold shrimp and quaint sandwiches, and I felt very much out of place among the snooty guests. I was secretly paranoid, thinking that everyone was getting ready to kick me out. Ellie, too, was not used to this environment. I wasn't lying when I said she was breathtaking (she turned just about every head in the room), but her gait was lacking in confidence. She carried me around like a shield, trying to hide herself from the crowd. I put my arm around her for support, but she remained frazzled.

We wandered around for a while, but there was no sign of Mrs Sattler. After a half-hour, we had to give up and scan the buffet table. Fishing out some strawberries and cheese cubes, we retreated to the corner and sat on a bench. Because we were alone, we allowed ourselves to converse more freely, and even fed each other tiny sardines for play. Giggling like ninnies, we took to people-watching.

"Ooh! Over there! Toupee!"

Ellie pointed to a man with a rather obvious hairpiece.

"I don't think that's a toupee. It looks more like a dead squirrel!" I laughed.

"Okay, I think I've won this round," Ellie beamed, "There can't be anything worse . . ."

"What about that woman with the fur scarf?" I asked, "It's like a drowned mink!"

Ellie elbowed me.

"Alan, you don't even know what a mink is! You're right, though. That's an ugly scarf, and her leggings are- OH MY GOD. That's my mother."

I quickly composed myself as the woman spotted us. Clicking over on high heels, she seemed ready to pounce at any moment. I stood up to greet her. Ellie followed my lead. When we were close enough, I held out my hand.

"Mrs Sattler, it's such a pl-"

She walked straight past me and nodded at Ellie, who shrunk away in embarrassment. I dropped my hand. Sattler's actions were unprecedented, yes, but I was positive that it was simply a hiccup.

"Oh, darling! I can see why you didn't tell me about him before . . ."

Then again, maybe I was wrong.

***TSJPFEW***

"Ellen, you'll never guess who I bumped into the other day!" Mrs Sattler babbled.

"Who?" Ellie asked monotonously.

"Warren! Warren Cadbury! You know: the man who works for the Rowntrees."

Ellie took a sip of champagne.

"I don't know any of these people, Mother . . ."

I felt bad, making Ellie drive the conversation like this, but what choice did I have? Mrs Sattler refused to speak to me, and even if she changed her mind, I'd have nothing interesting to say. Not that she did, mind you.

"Anyway, I was talking to George Degler the other day- You know: Mark's father!- and he says-"

"Mother, I'm not interested in whatever it is you're going to say."

"How do you know, dear? I haven't even started!"

A waiter with a thin mustache walked by, carrying a bottle of champagne. He bowed down and offered to fill Ellie's glass. She declined, at first, but turning back to her mother, she decided that she would probably need a decent amount of alcohol to endure whatever anecdote she was brewing.

"So, Alan. I heard you're a paleontologist."

I jumped a little in surprise. It was the first time she had even acknowledged my presence.

"Erm . . . Yes. Yes, I am."

"Are you any good at it?"

I chuckled.

"Well, I like to think-"

"-because my colleague knows Dr. Bakker, and he had some pretty interesting things to say about your work."

My fist tightened around my wine glass. Bakker. Now, there was a name I didn't want to hear.

"What did he say? . . ." I asked slowly.

"He says you're an idiot for suggesting that the T-Rex was a scavenger."

"Did he?" I wheezed.

"Yes. He went on and on about the crushing power of-"

"The jaws prove nothing! T-Rex was NOT a hunter!"

I didn't mean to be so brusque.

"Really? I don't believe you," Mrs Sattler said icily, "Bakker is rather well-known, whereas y-"

Ellie coughed loudly.

"Mother, Alan's theories are completely valid. And he knows a lot about T-Rexes."

"Oh, pish! He doesn't even know what color they were!"

I snorted.

"Well, if I ever see one, I'll let you know . . ."

I could feel myself losing my temper. Ellie noticed my discomfort, and tried to console me by placing her hand on my arm. I yanked it away, perhaps a little fiercely. Suddenly, Ellie's mien shifted dramatically. It was as though she had just been told that she'd be sent to the guillotine in the morning. With a guilty pang, I realized that this was what she had been waiting for. If she had expected me to last through the night before, she certainly didn't now.

With a quick smile, I softened my tone of voice.

"Anyway, there's no way to prove his theory entirely, nor mine for that matter. It's all about speculation-"

"Did you hear that, Ellen?" Mrs Sattler cackled, "You've based your entire career on speculation!"

I turned to Ellie, whose glass had been refilled. She was turning rather red, and it wasn't solely caused by embarrassment.

"Ellie, I'm going to head to the washroom," I said as Mrs Sattler turned around to load more shrimp onto her plate.

"It'd be easier to sneak out the front door . . ."

"What? No! I'm not leaving!"

She gave a noncommittal grunt.

"Did someone actually sneak out of the bathroom window, once?" I asked.

"Twice," Ellie said as she took another swig of champagne.

Poor Ellie. This was a side of her I'd never seen before. She was so ready, so sure that I was going to chuck her. But how could I, when I loved her so much? She didn't seem to realize that I was determined to prove my fidelity.

As Mrs Sattler turned around, Ellie flopped her wrist lazily.

"Better hurry: she's coming back."

I left, but remorsefully.

***TSJPFEW***

When I returned from the bathroom, Ellie was swaying back and forth woozily. Her words were slurred and she made exaggerated gestures with her hand, splashing champagne over the rim of her glass. She looked at me with half-lidded eyes and snorted.

"So, y'actually came back . . ."

"Yeah. I told you I would."

She laughed unsteadily.

"I thought y'were lying er somethin' . . ."

I rested my hand on her shoulder.

"Ellie, how many glasses have you had?"

She shrugged, spilling more champagne out of her glass.

"I dunno, five . . . six? What are we counting, again?"

The man with the toupee gave her a confused frown. Ellie growled and brushed him away.

"Mind your own business, squirrel-man!"

I pulled Ellie to the side.

"Okay, I think you've had enough champagne . . ."

"Aw, great!" she spat, "And I suppose you'll be dumping me now?"

"No. Calm down."

She rolled her eyes and staggered away.

"Grant!" Mrs Sattler hissed as she slithered over, "I was just talking to the Duke of- Where's Ellen?"

"She's, uh, freshening up . . ." I said as I watched her refill her glass from the corner of my eye.

Mrs Sattler sputtered and took a bite of her sandwich.

"I don't know why she insists on embarrassing herself!" she chortled, "Honestly, she's frightened away dozens of men . . ."

It was amazing how oblivious Mrs Sattler was: miraculous, almost. I wondered whether she knew that what she was saying was hurtful, or if she was really that inconsiderate.

"Poor Ellen," she continued, "At this rate, she'll never find a good man . . ."

"Oh, I'm not leaving her, Mrs Sattler . . ."

"I never said you were."

I exhaled slowly.

"You know, I almost blame myself for her state . . ." Mrs Sattler sighed.

I decided that it would be wise to withhold my input.

"Her father left when she was eight, and she has a hard time trusting people . . ."

I watched Ellie sway by the desert table. She took a sip of champagne and looked down at the floor sadly. I felt a twinge of pity.

"Mrs Sattler . . ." I ventured, "Do you think . . . I mean . . . Is there something I can do for her?"

Mrs Sattler nickered like a horse.

"Find her a nice man!"

"Other than that?"

"Oh, I don't know. Support her, encourage her . . . She needs someone who understands her."

I nodded.

"I think I might be that person."

"I certainly hope not . . ." Mrs Sattler muttered as she went to socialize with a baron.

Rolling my eyes and shaking my head, I turned around to find Ellie. It wasn't hard: a startling crash came from her direction. I jogged over and found her pointing savagely at a man with a thick handlebar mustache. She had swatted his plate out of his hands.

"Yer nuth'n but a bunch of cowards, all a'you!" she slurred, "You think yer so great with yer 'fancy oysters'!"

She knocked a plate full of clams to the floor. With wide eyes, I pushed through the crowd, trying desperately to reach her before she caused a scene.

"Yer all a bunch of rich pr-"

"ELLIE! Ellie, we should go . . ." I said uneasily.

"Ya, jussa second, Alan. I need ta' show these guys who's boss . . ."

She splashed her drink on a frightened-looking bald man.

"Ellie, we should go . . ." I pleaded once more, taking her hand.

I dragged her through the door. She stumbled behind me in her high heels, still yelling.

"You're out of order! This whole TOWN'S out of order!"

I covered the side of my face in embarrassment and shepherded her across the lobby.

***TSJPFEW***

Ellie moaned queasily as she rested her head against my shoulder. We had called a cab (I certainly didn't want her to drive herself home in this state), and we were just arriving at her street. I stroked Ellie's frizzled hairdo and sighed. She looked up at me with vacant eyes and exhaled through her nose.

"I screwed up, didn't I?"

"No . . . no . . ."

I paid the driver and helped her out of the cab. She slipped on the ice, but I caught her from behind. I carried her to her house, where I retrieved the spare key from a potted plant (now covered with snow). Shaking off the dirt, I put it in the lock and opened the door.

When we got inside, I helped Ellie take off her shoes and led her to her room. Once she had changed into a robe, I grabbed a blanket, threw it over her, and went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. When I came back, she was snoring lightly. I placed the water on the bedside table and sat at the foot of her bed. I smiled as she sniffled in her sleep. Reaching out, I brushed away a strand of hair from her forehead. She shifted a little, then became very still.

***TSJPFEW***

The next morning, I headed for Ellie's room with a plate of french toast. Little did I know that she was already up and walking down the hall. When she rounded the corner and bumped into me, we both screamed.

"TOAST!" I shouted in panic, "I MADE YOU TOAST! HERE! TAKE!"

I rammed the plate into her chest. She took it with wide eyes.

"Alan? What are you doing here?"

"I, uh . . . never left. I mean, I did leave, once, for milk, er, to get you some milk . . . You were out of milk, so I, uh, got you . . . some milk . . ."

We stared at each other for a long time. Finally, Ellie blinked.

"Aren't you going to . . . you know . . ."

I cocked my head. She waved her hand.

". . . dump me?"

I shook my head.

"You think I'd dump you after making french toast?"

"I thought it was a pity-favor."

"Hm."

Ellie wiped away a smudge of mascara from her cheek.

"I think I drank too much last night . . ."

"Maybe."

"Don't ever let me do that again . . ."

"I won't."

"So . . . are you staying?"

"I'm not leaving any time soon . . . Unless you want me to . . ."

"No, not at all."

She took my hand. I smiled and pulled her in for a hug.

"Oh! I almost forgot!"

I pulled the spare key out of my pocket and handed it to her. She flipped it around, then returned it to my palm.

"Keep it."

***TSJPFEW***

"Aw, that's so sweet! . . . Not as good as the puddle story, but . . ."

"Hey, YOU were the one complaining about the puddle story in the first place!"

"Duly noted. Anyone else up to a little anecdoting?"

"Can I tell the next story?"

"Charlie, it's almost your bedtime!"

"Pleeeaaase . . ."

"Let him tell a story, Ellie. He can go to bed afterward."

"Fine, fine. But don't blame ME if you have trouble falling asleep . . ."

"I won't! I promise."

"Alright, go ahead."

"Let's see . . . Several months ago, back when mom was still pregnant, she caught an unusual cold-"

"Did I ever! '98 was a bad year . . ."

"Anyway, Kelly and I were playing outside, when something strange happened . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

I remember being startled when a loud noise caught my attention. It was like a sneeze, only it also sounded like a hiss. When I turned around, I saw Mom wiping her nose. She had accidentally sprouted a dilophosaurus frill during her sternutation. Shaking her head, she reabsorbed the orange sol-de-mayo and frowned.

"That's odd . . . I've never lost control of my morphing that badly."

"Not even when you're sick?" Kelly asked.

"No, not even th-"

She sniffed.

"WA-CHOO!"

Kelly and I shielded our eyes as Mom began to glow. We squinted and blinked once the light was gone. I thought that Mom had disappeared, until I saw a tiny compsognathus in the grass.

"Charlie, get your father," she said in a squeaky voice, "I think I might have a cold."

***TSJPFEW***

A few minutes later, I was standing by her bed, joined by a slew of colorful characters. Buzz and Rocky were there, as well as Val, Kipper, and Crusher . . . Oh, and Dad, of course. We watched as Mom sneezed again, this time shooting utahraptor quills out of her back.

"This is strange . . . very strange . . . but I think I've seen this before," Val declared, "Back when I was a raptor, I caught a strange flu that caused me to sprout feathers every time I sneezed. I'm guessing you must have a variation of that."

"AH-CHOO!"

Mom turned bright blue with pink polka-dots.

"That'd be the carnotaurus DNA . . ." she said through a plugged nose.

"Is there a cure for this disease?" Dad asked. Val nodded.

"The silver berries of Misty Glade used to be a safe bet, but they only grow on Sorna now . . ."

"Well, we can't go there," Dad said sadly, "Not with you-know-who on the loose."

"You mean Voldemort?" Robin asked from the window.

"No! I mean Wu!"

"Ooooooh! That makes more sense," Robin twittered, "Yeah, we'd better not risk it."

I hopped up onto the foot of the bed and puffed out my chest.

"I can do it!"

Everyone stared at me like I was crazy.

"No, seriously! I can fly in as a macaw, grab a couple of berries, and fly out. Easy!"

"Sweetie, I don't want you to get hurt," Mom said quietly, "Sorna isn't a very safe place, least of all for a macaw. Remember that incident with the hawk?"

Why would nobody let me forget that? A couple of weeks prior, I had been grabbed by a hawk in mid-flight. It wasn't a big deal, really. All I had to do was demorph a little, and he left me alone. But it was still a little scary, I have to admit.

"Charlie, we know that you're independent and brave and all that," Dad added, "but this is a dangerous situation, and we can't ask you to do anything that might end badly."

"But I-"

"No buts! We don't want you to get into a sticky situation," Mom replied tersely, "There's a ton of dangerous locales on Sorna. If you don't get eaten by someone, you could get sick from radiation. You're staying- ACHOO!"

Mom knocked a lamp off of the bedside table with her pteranodon wings.

". . . here."

"Radiation? The Sorna nuclear reactor isn't even switched on!" I protested.

"Nevertheless, it isn't safe," Mom said sternly, "You're staying here: end of story."

I moped angrily and waddled out the door, kicking it closed as I went. Kelly was waiting for me outside.

"So . . . Does this mean we're sneaking away?" she asked.

Leave it to Kelly to be a mind-reader.

***TSJPFEW***

Later that day, while everyone was busy tending to Mom, Kelly and I snuck down to the dock and grabbed a rowboat. I had filched a compass and a map from the exploration post, and Kelly had nabbed a rope from Ian's suitcase. We were two best friends, ready for an adventure, and nothing was about to get in our way.

Well, almost nothing.

After a while, we got tired of rowing. Things went a lot faster when Kelly tied me to the boat and had me fly over the ocean, but this too became arduous, and we took a break to eat our sandwiches.

"You know, two hundred and seven miles is suddenly sounding a lot bigger than I thought . . ." Kelly sighed.

"Yeah, I know the feeling," I muttered, "How much distance have we covered, so far?"

"Three miles."

"Yikes . . ."

With my spirits low, I looked down into the murky depths. A school of silver fish shimmered as they turned against the sunlight. We were approaching a large reef. Kelly sighed and steered us away from the exposed fragments. We hit a couple of branches, but made it through safely.

"You know, this would be a lot easier if we had a motor . . ." Kelly remarked.

"Yeah, but the others would have heard us if we'd used a speedboat. Besides, I don't know how to operate 'em."

Kelly sighed with exasperation.

"It's too bad there aren't any swimming dinosaurs . . ."

"Hey! We can swim! We just aren't fully aquatic, that's all . . ."

Suddenly, I had a brilliant idea. I hopped up onto the edge of the boat and starting crawing loudly. Kelly covered her ears.

"What are you DOING?"

I grinned cheekily.

"We don't have any marine dinosaurs, but there's someone who might be able to help us. See, when Dr. Wu reconstructed the tylosaurus' DNA, he had to use an avian gene to code for a missing jaw fragment. Just like pteranodons, tylosaurs are a secondary candidate for the infection."

"I don't follow."

"We can talk to them!" I explained.

"Are they friendly?" Kelly asked. I shrugged.

"Well, one of them is. She keeps to herself, mostly. Mom told me not to bother her unless it's absolutely necessary."

"Mhm. Just don't get us killed, okay?"

I nodded. Stepping on the front end of the boat, I stood up tall and cleared my throat.

'Excuse me, but is the tylosaurus of Isla Nublar present in these waters?'

I cocked my head and listened. Silence.

'My companion and I are stranded here, and we need a ride to Isla Sorna.'

Still, nothing.

'I would greatly appreciate it if someone could give us a lift . . .'

"Is she answering?" Kelly asked.

"Nope. I don't think she's around," I said sadly, "It's too bad, because-"

'Rhoooooo!'

Suddenly, our boat was propelled forward by a crocodilian face. Zooming across the water like a jet, we held on for dear life as the marine reptile wiggled back and forth.

"Yay! We're back in business!" Kelly laughed, still holding on to the edge of the boat.

Remembering my manners, I turned to our rescuer.

'Thank you!'

The tylosaurus smiled and winked.

***TSJPFEW***

We arrived at Sorna around noon, when our sandwiches had all been eaten. I offered one to the tylosaurus, of course, but she politely declined. After dropping us off at the beach, she flipped on her side and waved to us with her fin. We said goodbye and began our trek into the jungle.

"So, what kind of berries are we looking for, exactly?" Kelly asked.

I showed her my artist's rendition of a bunch of glittering, grapelike fruit.

"Val says that they shine with all the colors of the rainbow when the light hits them just right."

"Gee, she's kind of whimsical when she wants to be."

I giggled.

"Well, Val's been kind of lovey-dovey, ever since she hooked up with Robert. Anyway, Buzz and Rocky said that there's a lot of haunted places on Sorna. You know, I'm beginning to suspect that they just declare random areas as 'haunted' to spite me. Some brothers THEY are!"

"Wait, I thought you didn't have any siblings . . ." Kelly said with confusion.

"Kind of . . . Sort of . . . They're primarily emotional support. To be honest, I don't really consider them anything more than extended family. They don't even live in the VC."

"Aw, that's too bad. They seem nice . . ."

I snorted.

"You don't know them like I do."

We continued our journey until we came to a deep river. I tried to wade across, but it was too deep. Shaking the water out of my feathers, I turned to Kelly.

"I can fly over this river, no problem. Do you think you'll be able to swim across?" I asked. Kelly nodded.

"Is it cold?"

"Kind of. But we have different body temperatures, so I don't know how that affects my perception . . ."

"You're really smart, Charlie."

"For a raptor?" I asked.

"Just in general. You're certainly a lot smarter than me . . ."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I just have a lot of spare time to read and do my research. I'm not all that special."

Kelly paddled through the river and trembled like a leaf. I flitted down and rested on her shoulders to keep her warm.

"I th-th-think you're very special," Kelly chattered, "You're not like the other raptors."

"Why? Because I'm pale? I attribute that to paedomorphosis, since I seem to retain juvenile qualities at the moment, specifically a lack of pigmentation in my scales. I noticed that some raptors don't get their stripes at the right time, and some never get them at all. Others, however, seem to age rapidly. Take Val, for instance. She was basically forty at five years of age."

"Uh-huh. And how old are you?"

"No idea. I thought I was about eight, but I seem to be a lot smarter than human children."

"You can say that again."

"I seem to be a lot smarter than human children . . ."

Kelly flicked me on the nose jokingly. I laughed and hopped back on the trail.

"C'mon! We have an island to explore!"

***TSJPFEW***

That day, I discovered that a plan works best if you actually . . . plan it. We didn't know the first thing about jungle survival, and (aside from almost being swallowed by a boa) our afternoon mostly consisted of wandering around aimlessly.

"You know, maybe we should have asked Val where to find these berries . . ." Kelly sighed.

"Naw, she'd have figured out our plan. Besides, this is fun . . . isn't it?"

"Sure, sure. I'm just saying-"

Suddenly, the ground beneath Kelly's feet disintegrated. She fell down a steep cliff and landed on a thatched structure, effectively destroying the whole thing.

"You okay?" I asked as I fluttered down.

She groaned and plucked a leaf out of her hair.

"I'm fine, thanks to this roof-ish thing. Who built this, anyway?"

I shrugged.

"InGen?"

"Troglodytic mud-huts aren't really their style . . ." Kelly pointed out, "Oh, well. It's pummeled, now."

I helped her to her feet.

"Maybe I oughta morph into a parrot and circle the island . . ."

"Sure, why not?"

As I prepared to morph, however, a light chirping came from the bushes. Kelly and I turned around as a small, green dinosaur popped out of a fern.

'Hello, there!' I said in (what I hoped was) a decent compsognathus accent, 'We're a little bit lost. Do you think you could direct us to the nearest vine of silver berries?'

The compsognathus cocked its head.

"I don't think my linguistic skills are up to par," I said to Kelly, "We'd better just leave."

As we turned, however, another compy got in our way. It was barely the size of my foot, but it was very intimidating when it hissed.

"Charlie . . ." Kelly whispered nervously.

One by one, several compsognathus began to appear from the jungle. Every time we'd try to make a run for it, they'd block our path. I was tempted to fly away, but I certainly didn't want to leave Kelly behind.

"Charlie, what are we gonna do?"

My feathers bristled.

"We take 'em on, of course!"

She looked at me with wide eyes.

"Are you sure we can beat them?"

I chuckled.

"Kelly, they're smaller than pigeons! How hard can it be? . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

A few minutes later, we were tied up and sent to the compsognathus' camp. We bounced up and down as they lifted us onto their backs, not unlike bananas being carried by ants.

"Kelly, if we make it out of this alive, let's not tell anyone what happened."

"If anyone asks, I'll say that they were coelophysis," Kelly huffed.

We arrived at the compy camp as the sun was beginning to set. A thick crowd of green bodies parted as we were carried to a large throne. On top of it, a male compsognathus with a crude chada spread his twiggy arms majestically.

'Greetings! I am King of the Compsognathus!'

The compys gave a loud cheer and whooped in his honor. Kelly struggled to free herself from the ropes.

"Let us go!" she growled. The king laughed and stepped down from his platform.

'You, raptor! Tell your little friend that I'm not letting either of you go!'

'Fat chance, pipsqueak!' I spat.

'Mösstock! You dare insult me?'

'It's not that hard, hammerhead!' I retorted.

'Skitstövel! I'll kill you!'

'With those puny arms?' I giggled, 'I don't think so!'

The king chuckled.

'Bring them to the boiler!'

Kelly and I were carried up to a bamboo platform. Beneath us, a bubbling broth fizzled and spat on a large bonfire.

"Okay . . . So, the good news is: he's not going to rip us apart."

"And the bad news?" Kelly asked.

"We're about to get boiled in beezlenut oil."

The compsognathus lowered us over the pot. I could hear the water bubbling beneath me, and I crunched my neck in fear.

"I'm sorry I got us into this . . ." I said as the compsognathus sent us lower.

"You just wanted to help your mom . . ."

"Yeah, but I also wanted to prove that I was brave. I really didn't think this through."

"Maybe not."

We both cried out as we dipped down closer to the bubbling goo.

"Well, I guess this is the end . . ." Kelly whimpered.

I stretched out my neck and rubbed my nose against her forehead.

"Before we die, there's something I should tell you. I- AH!"

The twine that had been supporting us snapped, and we began to fall. We were caught, however, by a pair of scaly hands, which lowered us to the ground. Running away, we took shelter as a giant figure began to chase the compsognathus away.

'Retreat! Retreat!' the king shouted.

The compys scattered as the enormous theropod snapped at their heels. He gave them quite a fright! Kelly and I hid from the swarming compsognathus, hoping that none of them would find us behind our rock. When they had all left, we turned to our rescuer.

"Thanks, mister . . ." I breathed.

"No problem."

When he stepped out of the bushes, however, we both screamed.

"Oh my god! It's Henry Wu!"

Dumbfounded, Wu looked around with confusion.

"Do I know you?"

"Kelly, run!" I shouted, pushing Kelly with my snout, "He's after us!"

"What? No! I just saved you!"

Kelly blinked.

"He has a point . . ."

"Wait a minute . . ." Wu said slowly, "You're Ellie's boy, aren't you?"

"Yes! But that's none of your business!" I hissed.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be back on Nublar?"

Before I could answer, Wu shook his head.

"You'd better go home, both of you . . . and don't tell anyone about what happened here!"

Kelly nodded.

"C'mon, Charlie. Let's go."

Wu cleared his throat.

"Actually, before you go, could you tell me where I put my bouquet? I set it down on a rock somewhere to chase the compys . . ."

I cocked my head in confusion. What on Earth did Henry Wu need a BOUQUET for?

Kelly grabbed a large pile of flowers and handed them to him.

"Here you go!"

"Thanks."

I was about to leave, but something caught my eye. There, dangling from a yellow snapdragon, was a bunch of silver berries.

"Wait! Kelly, look!" I shouted, pointing to the berries, "Those are the berries we've been looking for!"

"Mind if we borrow these?" Kelly asked.

"Sure, knock yourself out," Wu replied.

And so, with the berries in hand, we headed back to Isla Nublar. Giving them to Val, we waited patiently as she cured my mom. They seemed to do the trick, and it wasn't long before she was as healthy as a horse. It felt good to be a hero, but what felt even better was knowing that my parents would always be proud of me, even if I sometimes put myself in questionable situations.

***TSJPFEW***

"So, Wu actually saved you? That's odd. I never would have guessed . . ."

"I don't believe it! I didn't know he was capable of such things."

"Yeah, that's probably why he didn't want me to tell you about it."

"Ellie, are you okay? . . ."

"Yeah . . . but I feel kind of . . . I dunno . . . guilty? . . ."

"Guilty? GUILTY? Are you forgetting who we're talking about? This is the man who killed Lance, remember? He doesn't deserve our sympathy!"

"I know, I know . . . But it's strange that he didn't want us to know that he rescued Charlie, don't you think? Doesn't he want redemption?"

"Some people can never redeem themselves . . ."

"But shouldn't he at least try?"

"That's a lot to ask of him, mate!"

"GAH! Who are YOU?"

"Jake, the heterodontosaur, at your service!"

"What the hell? Where did you come from?"

"That's a long story. It all started back when I was but a little chick . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

I was born in a hatchery like any other, 'cept my brood was-

***TSJPFEW***

"Hey! Wait a minute! It was my turn to tell the next story!"

"Go ahead, Princeton."

"Alright. It all started three days ago . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

I was, like, so excited to go on vacation, because Crushie and I had been planning to drink Mojitos in the hot tub while listening to Madonna- . . . Don't give me that look!

Anyway, we had just heard about Ian and Sarah going to Honolulu, and we were like "Jea-LOUS!", so we decided to bring Honolulu to Isla Nublar! We hired a herrerasaur to play the ukulele, and we convinced Ellie to lend us her coconut bra-

***TSJPFEW***

"Mom . . . Why do you own a coconut bra? . . ."

"Charlie! Bed. Now."

"Awww . . ."

"Can I please tell my story now? It's kind of important."

"But I-"

"Shush, Princeton. We should be polite to our guest. Besides, I want to keep this campfire PG-13, and knowing you, the story would be more like-"

"NC-17?"

"X!"

"Anyway, what were you saying, Jake?"

"Right. My brood was normal enough, except for one strange fact . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

We could talk. Not just dinosaur-talk, but human-talk. We were the first heterodontosaurs to be hatched on the island, so it wasn't surprising that our genes went haywire. Of course, this may have had something to do with the fact that a budgie landed in our nest shortly after our hatching, effectively giving us the ability to communicate.

"Jay! Get that goddamned bird out of the eggs!" a man shouted as the pale-blue parakeet fluttered uncontrollably.

"Sorry, Dr. Wu! She just had her wings clipped, and she doesn't realize that she can't fly . . ."

The first man snorted.

"Between the bird and that stupid cat, this place is turning into a goddamned zoo!"

"Hey, that's not fair!" a blonde woman protested, "I have all of the proper documentation for Orange, and I can prove it!"

"Oh, shut up, Robin! I shouldn't have let either of you stay . . ."

"Careful! I can report this, you know . . ."

"If you do, I'll fire you."

The lights flickered.

"Hm. I guess they got the power back on," Jay remarked.

I lifted my head and squeaked noisily to get their attention.

"Robin, go grab that dontie. He's making a racket, and nobody needs to know we're here."

I felt a pair of warm hands scoop me up. Before I knew it, I was being rocked back and forth in the woman's arms.

"He's really cute. And he has bunny teeth! . . ." Robin cooed.

"I think it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen!"

"Jay!"

"Well, it's tr-"

Suddenly, the sound of gunfire rattled the room. Someone was shooting next door. The scientists ducked for cover. I was suddenly dropped on the ground. The floor was cold and hard. I shivered.

"Everyone, out! Now!" Wu shouted, "We can meet up with Yannick in the Safari Lodge-"

"What? Yannick's here too? I think I'd rather be eaten by raptors than see him!"

"Shut up, Robin. We don't have time for your petty rivalry."

I heard him walk away.

"Wait! What about the babies?"

"Leave them. They can manage on their own."

As they left the building, the scientists turned off the lights. I wiggled my feet on the ground pitifully, wailing like a beached dolphin. I didn't like being left alone, but no help came. Giving up, I closed my eyes and whimpered sadly.

'Pssst . . .'

I opened my eyes. An unfamiliar dinosaur was peeking over the edge of her platform.

'Hey, do you need help?'

I nodded. The baby dinosaur swung down using a robotic arm and landed by my side. I squeaked timidly as she helped me to my feet.

'Hi. I'm Betty. I'm a velociraptor.'

I said nothing. I was a shy, young thing.

'Are you all alone?'

I nodded.

'Great! I'm alone, too! We can be alone together!'

I didn't particularly want to question the logic of her proposal: those claws looked pretty sharp.

'C'mon! Let's find a place to hide!'

***TSJPFEW***

We became the best of friends, Betty and I. Once all of the humans had left Isla Nublar, we took on the role of a rambunctious duo. We'd steal odds and sods from the facility for our shenanigans, but it was all in good fun. We laughed, we played, we learned, we grew. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times . . . all that.

One day, while we were playing in a sunny glade, a pack of velociraptors thundered through the clearing. Betty quickly grabbed me and pulled me inside a decaying log. We closed our eyes and used the darkness to conceal our presence. When there was no sign of the raptors, she decided that it was safe to play once more. This confused me, but it wasn't until later that I asked about it. I waited until we were tucked into our makeshift nest to bring it up, as I knew that Betty would brush it off at any other time. Leaning in close to her, I made my query known.

'Betty . . . Why don't you like the other raptors?'

She turned her head away.

'I . . . I don't know. They scare me, Jake. They aren't like you and I.'

'Why not?' I asked.

She shrugged awkwardly.

'They're violent. I don't want to be associated with that image.'

I nodded.

'I guess I can see where you're coming from. They are rather menacing, aren't they? Especially the leader! Where do you think she got that scar?'

Betty exhaled.

'I don't know, but I'm not about to ask.'

Satisfied with her answer, I rested my head in the lint and down feathers that made up our nest.

'Jake . . .' Betty whispered, 'Can I ask you to help me with something?'

I lifted my head drowsily.

'Sure . . . What is it?'

She bit her lip.

'I . . . I want to talk to the humans.'

'What?! But they're all gone!'

'I know. But if they ever come back, I want to prove to them that I'm as sentient as they are.'

'Uh-huh. And where do I fit into this plan?'

'I want you to talk to them. You have budgie powers. You can do it.'

I tilted my head.

'I dunno . . . This sounds awful dangerous to me. What if they overreact?'

'They won't. Humans aren't like raptors: they have compassion, mercy-'

'And fear. They're afraid of us.'

Betty nodded.

'Yes, but they don't have to be. Please, Jake. Help me.'

I sighed deeply.

'I will. You know I'd do anything for you, Betty.'

She smiled and laid her head on my shoulder. Soon after, we both fell asleep.

***TSJPFEW***

Well, when the big day finally came, I was more than a little nervous. Betty and I watched the humans from the bushes, anxious to put our plan in motion.

'Betty . . .' I whispered, 'I'm scared. What if they don't like me?'

Betty smiled and rubbed up against my side.

'What's not to like? You're clever, witty, charming . . .'

'Yes, but I'm ugly.'

'I don't think you're ugly.'

'But they do. Humans are very judgmental . . .'

'You'll be fine. Don't worry about it.'

But I did worry. I worried a lot. How was I supposed to make a good first impression when I looked like a cross between a rabbit and a hypsilophodon? The little time I had spent around humans had taught me one thing: they were very appearance-oriented. I desperately wished that I was handsome. Maybe then, they'd listen to me.

But it wasn't meant to be.

The very second they saw me, the humans began to shoot. I believe that they were trying to rid the compound of organic lifeforms for their own nefarious experiments, but that's just a hunch.

I don't remember much of what happened after they began to fire. All I know is that one minute, I was standing next to Betty, and the next, I was running for my life.

By the time I found shelter, Betty was long-gone.

***TSJPFEW***

In the months that followed, I hung around the compound, hoping to reunite with my best friend. Unfortunately, Betty was nowhere to be found. Like the other stragglers (indeed, there were quite a few dinosaurs who enjoyed observing humans in their daily activities), I would pace up and down the perimeter fence without aim.

One morning, I was hanging out with two hererrasaurs, when a snake slithered between my feet. I shrieked, but the snake did not strike me.

"Hello, Jake . . ." it hissed.

I was taken aback. No snake had ever spoken to me before. My first thought was that I had finally gone mad.

"Do not be afraid of me, Jake. I am not here to harm you. In fact, I have a ssstunning proposssition for you."

"What do you want with me?"

"Let'sss talk somewhere elssse. These goons are busy placing betsss on who will die firssst."

I turned to the herrerasaurs.

'No, no! The man with the hat is as good as dead; he looks dim-witted to me.'

Turning back to the snake, I nodded reluctantly.

"Alright, let's go."

***TSJPFEW***

I walked down the beach with the snake slithering beside me. She was an eyelash viper, I believe, but don't take my word for it. Anyway, she moved through the sand in an S-shape, pushing the beige grains to the side with her glistening body.

"The firssst thing you need to know is that Betty sssurvived the attack."

I beamed.

"Really? That's great! Where-"

"That is not for you to know. You wouldn't like to sssee her as she is now, anyway. She hatesss humans."

I pulled back my neck in surprise.

"Why?"

"She thinksss that they killed you. Now, she'll do anything to dessstroy them. She's as cunning as a fox; she fights like a demon-"

"But she's my best friend! I'm sure if I just tell her-"

"No. I will not allow that. I've worked too hard, setting these eventsss into motion. Would you look at me? I barely have enough ssstrength to exissst in this world, presssently. I've lost many things: my powers, my knowledge, and a good chunk of my memory. In hindsssight, I shouldn't have stored my consciousness in the Troödon. They don't make for very good memory sticksss . . ."

The snake wasn't making much sense to me, but I thought it best to hold my tongue.

"My time here isss coming to an end. Before I go, I must send you to the future. You will find yourself in another dimension, sssimilar to this one, yet different in many waysss. I will arrange for your safe passage. Your mission, should you choossse to accept it, is to round up some bambiraptors and bring them home. Once you have done that, tell your story to the firssst people you come across. I have a point to make. I know thisss all sounds very confusing, and it is, but I promissse that I will reunite you with Betty once you have succeeded. I can take you farther than any ship could take you. Goodbye, Jake, and don't forget what I've told you . . ."

And here we are.

***TSJPFEW***

"I'm not sure what any of that has to do with Wu . . ."

"Well, what I'm trying to say is that it isn't always easy to build up a new reputation. If I had to guess, I'd say that Wu has given up on his quest for redemption. He probably doesn't have the courage to attempt reintegration."

"That sounds logical. But maybe we should give him a shot-"

"Ellie! How can you say that? He's a monster!"

"I know. But we can't ignore him forever. We should at least talk to him."

"What?!"

"Ellie's right. He saved Charlie. He might be-"

"Reformed? Never!"

"Well, now's your chance to talk to him. He's on Nublar right now, and Seriama too."

"To attack?"

"No, he fell into a bramble bush, from what I heard. He didn't want to come here, but he was in desperate need of medical attention."

"Alright. Why don't you go get him, Crusher? The rest of us will wait here."

"Fine."

"Are you alright, Robin? You look kind of upset. Are you mad at me?"

"No. This isn't about Wu. There's something I ought to tell you . . ."

"Can it wait? I have a great story to tell!"

"Go ahead, Kipper."

"Okay, so back in '95, we were having a really bad year . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

A few months back, a new chieftain had taken over the pack, and she ruled us without mercy. We had already settled in what is now called Raptor Valley, and things were looking okay. Trouble was, we suffered numerous casualties whenever the chieftain organized a raid of the compound. Some raptors could make it over the fence, but even if they did, they'd be turned into swiss cheese by the guards in no time.

Anyway, one morning, the chieftain was teaching her youngest son to hunt. As he pushed through the foliage, she sprung on him angrily.

'Terrible! Absolutely terrible! What kind of a raptor do you expect to be if you can't even sneak up on your prey?'

'I'm sorry, mother . . .'

'Don't apologize! Do it right the FIRST time! Honestly, it's like you don't even try!'

'I do try . . .'

'Trying is not good enough!'

Seeing that the kid was upset, I decided to risk my own neck to give him a break. I imagine it must have been hard to have such an uncaring mother.

'Chieftain, we've successfully hunted three hadrosaurs today,' I reported, 'The colony will eat well tonight.'

She turned away from her son and gave me a terse nod.

'And how long will it be before we can breach the perimeter?'

I shuffled my feet.

'About that . . .'

'If you have come here to tell me that it is impossible, I'll have none of it! We will attack the compound, whether you like it or not!'

During this conversation, Charlie (though he had no name at the time) was busy chasing an Incilius luetkenii . . . Errr, a toad. He pounced after it as it hopped through the grass, following the amphibian out of the Valley. I didn't think much of it at the time, but in hindsight, I ought to have warned him not to wander too far. If I had told him to stay close, maybe things would have turned out differently.

***TSJPFEW***

A clap of thunder sent a shock wave through the tropical jungle, dully rocking a muddy RV trailer that had been hurriedly parked between two large boulders. Although it was backed up against a cliff, the vehicle was hardly sheltered from the rain, which poured down like a cascade of high-velocity pebbles. Given the frantic nature of the scene, the raindrops were not unlike anxious fingers, tapping the glossy roof with a sense of desperate urgency. The rhythm was, in essence, a natural metronome for the vehicle's occupants, though the tempo was far too sporadic and frenzied for their liking. Every so often, a swaying palm tree would be caught in an unexpected blast of wind, creating an unearthly wail as the pinnate leaves rattled in defiance, snapping at the storm like a pack of ferocious predators. The surrounding vegetation would occasionally be thrust against the trailer with a metallic thud, startling those inside. The impact was fierce enough to buckle the roof . . . or so it seemed.

The noise, however, failed to overpower the shrieks and gurgles that came from behind the reinforced windows.

A group of scientists and maintenance workers were frantically searching for a means to silence a meter-long reptile, whom they had recently captured. The head scientist and his female assistant were struggling to hold it still, clamping its mouth shut whenever possible, for it had chewed through their muzzle. The device was still fastened around its skull, though the front segment dangled from the reptile's mouth like a gob of saliva.

Although it was less than a year old, the hatchling proved to be a rebellious hostage, not as lethal as its adult counterparts, perhaps, but troublesome nonetheless. As it thrashed about, its captors compensated for each movement tenaciously, just barely managing to constrain its pebbly body, which was still slick with rainwater. Whenever it made a lunge for their faces, they squeezed it reprimandingly, though the assistant would sometimes offer random phrases of gentle reassurance to lessen the cruelty of the gesture.

The lesser scientists would often flinch at these potentially hostile movements, latently preparing themselves for an unprecedented escape. They remained tense long after these brief intervals, watching the creature out of the corners of their eyes. Their anxiety did not remain unnoticed by their supervisor, however, who used their fear as a sordid motivator.

"Don't let the little bugger distract you, folks; it only gives the pack more time to plan an ambush. Let's shut him up so we can put some distance between us, eh?" a brawny engineer prompted.

A few scientists cringed at the man's comment. There was no way they could delay the trailer's discovery; it was far too late for a silent escape, and the creature's vocalizations had nothing to do with it. Had they captured any other infant, as they had done countless times before, they would be as safe as was possible on a dinosaur-infested island. He wasn't the largest theropod they had wrangled- not even close- but the species' deadliness was not dependent on brute force alone.

Because they had not prepared themselves for anything more than a grab-and-go mission, the researchers were the quarry of a relentless foe, and everyone knew it. No one was safe as long as they remained stationary beside the crossroad, and the pretense of subtlety was nothing more than a dubious façade to the panicked scientists.

The maintenance workers, on the other hand, seemed to believe the engineer's claims, though they lacked the competence needed to contribute to the endeavor.

It was clear that someone would have to decide upon a course of action.

Nobody volunteered.

Whether or not they could access their destination by speeding across the most direct path was becoming irrelevant as their assailants drew near. The longer road, though more concealed, was hazardous in rainy conditions, but they were somewhat equipped for this type of vehicular travel. Neither option was completely viable, given the cunning of their adversaries and the unpredictable weather. Whatever the case, they would have to motor it if a consensus couldn't be reached.

Without warning, their situation became much, much worse. The back half of the trailer suddenly lurched into a squelchy dike, splashing the bumper with putrid water. Those who were close to the walls grabbed counters and ledges for support. A toolbox smashed open with a frightening bang. The scalpels inside slid across the floor one by one, clattering against the back wall noisily, creating a cacophony of percussive rattling.

After a couple of half-hearted wobbles, the RV finally settled itself in a precarious, slanted state. A temporary river had formed at the base of the cliff behind the trailer, and the earth beneath the back wheels was slowly washing away.

"Someone, get the tow rope!" the engineer shouted.

The scientists froze. Some shuffled backwards sheepishly, others stared at the man with utter disbelief. Surely, he didn't expect . . .

"You, Joe! On your feet!"

The conscripted mechanic shook his head fiercely, but his reluctance was soon dismissed. Before he could protest any further, he was shoved out the door, still whimpering, into the rainy darkness.

***TSJPFEW***

With the chieftain by my side, I watched a very frightened man waddle out of the RV. From where we were perched, we could just barely see the chieftain's son in the trailer. He saw us too, and stopped screaming.

'You! Go pay that man a visit,' the chieftain said to Crusher, 'Everyone else, surround the trailer. We won't let them escape.'

Crusher slid down a vine and stalked the mechanic. He barely had time to cry out before he found himself at the mercy of a sinewy, clawed arm. I tried to slide down too, but landed on the roof of the RV, rocking the vehicle in the mud. I silently cursed my lack of finesse, but it didn't really matter, as Crusher had flung the mechanic's arm onto the windshield. With a newfound resolve, the scientists began to put the pedal to the metal, so to speak.

As we panicked, the chieftain turned to us and hissed.

'Quiet! All of you! We have to make sure that my son is safe.'

She called out to Charlie, who didn't reply. It was impossible to hear him, with the rain and the motor drowning out his cries. Finally, the noise calmed down, and he gave a short, shrill call, which was returned by his mother. The chieftain explored the area by the back window. Her son looked down at her with pleading eyes. She stepped out of the light.

'Ram it.'

'But, Chieftain-'

'RAM IT!'

Bucky, Lance, and Otto joined me in slamming our bodies against the trailer. It budged, but not enough.

'It's not working . . .'

'Again!'

We followed her command, creating a large crack in the rear window.

'Almost there! One more time!'

Unfortunately, on our third try, we sent the RV spinning out of the muddy ditch.

'Fools! They'll get away! Follow them! Follow them!'

We ran after the trailer, slipping down the mucky road. My feet were cold and wet, and mud was sticking to my sides, but I pressed on, for Charlie's sake. The trailer sped up.

'Are they trying to outrun us?' Bucky asked.

'They must be, but-'

I was cut off by a loud siren. Everyone fell back, terrified that we had breached some sort of heavily-guarded perimeter.

'Retreat!' the chieftain shouted.

We didn't get far, however, as the RV rolled onto its side and crashed into a fallen tree. The scientists began to crawl out of the wreckage.

'Kill them! Kill them all!'

"Head for the jeeps! Leave the raptor!"

'Wait! Ignore my last command. Get my son. He's in the trailer.'

We crept towards the abandoned vehicle. A single man, the driver, had been left inside. He looked at us with wide eyes.

'Kill him.'

I turned to the chieftain.

'But he's injured!'

'KILL HIM!'

Reluctantly, I leaned forward and clamped my teeth around his throat. He choked on his own blood, then died. With closed eyes, I turned back to my pack. They were searching for Charlie, but he was nowhere to be found.

'Mother! Help!' he wailed from a faraway jeep.

'I'm coming! I'm coming!' she shouted as she stumbled through the mud.

She ran quickly, panting heavily with each leap. After a while, however, it became clear that she wouldn't make it. She collapsed in a sobbing heap as Bucky and I went over to comfort her. When we leaned in, however, she slashed at our faces, causing us to back away in fear.

'Chieftain . . .'

'This isn't over.'

She turned to Crusher, who had been lagging behind.

'You! Find your mother. Tell her that I have decided to deny her request.'

'But-'

'NOW!'

As he left, Lance turned to me.

'Boy, she isn't going to like that!' he said nervously, 'She's been planning an alternative for months!'

I nodded. Making sure that the chieftain was out of earshot, I leaned in close.

'You know . . . We could plan a little something of our own . . .'

'I like the way you think. Round up as many ragtag raptors as you can. If we can convince the chieftain to listen to reason, maybe we can avoid a bloodbath.'

I hoped he was right.

***TSJPFEW***

A few weeks later, the gang of seven (plus Val) was back in business. We prowled through the jungle in search of one of the infected: someone who could serve as a bridge between the human world and our own. Bucky had spent the last few days gathering information from the dinosaurs who hovered near the compound. It was risky work, but he managed to catch a few good names.

'Alright, so far, I have three possible candidates: Robin Smith, Trixie Von Dixie, and Ellie Sattler. What do you guys think?' Bucky asked.

'Well, Robin's a no-go,' I said, 'Word on the street is that she died this morning.'

'Trixie, then?' Buzz suggested.

'I'm not even sure she's infected.'

Rocky rolled his eyes.

'Well, whoever we choose, let's not forget to explain that we need them to come up with a plan to defeat InGen. I don't think it's wise to keep them in the dark.'

'Duly noted.'

'What about the third one? She might be useful . . .' Crusher suggested.

Lance shook his head.

'Based on what I know, she isn't too fond of raptors . . . not that many humans are. I think it would be a mistake to take her on.'

'Ha! Unless you mean "take her on", as in: FIGHT!' Crusher laughed.

'Shush! This is serious!' I whined, 'How do we know we can trust her? What if using her is the biggest mistake of our lives?'

Val sighed.

'What choice do we have? We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. We may as well try.'

'Outstanding,' I huffed, 'But tell me this: how do you plan to FIND this woman?'

At that precise moment, a loud string of screaming and cussing came from the beach.

***TSJPFEW***

"That was wonderful, Kipper!"

"Glad you like it."

"It's hard to believe we were ever enemies . . ."

"Alright, now that Kipper's done, I have something to confess, Ellie."

"Sure. Confess away."

"Alright. I-"

"WAIT! Ellie, I have something to confess as well."

"What is it, Morton?"

"The Sorna nuclear reactor was never shut off. Penelope and I activated the main power grid . . . in 1997!"

"What? You never left the island in 1997!"

"We didn't have to! A mysterious woman made us time travel a few months ago . . ."

"Mysterious woman? Boy, that sounds familiar . . ."

"You don't think-"

"I do."

"Tell us the story, Morton. We might learn something important."

"Alright. I was snoozing in my roller coaster cart, when suddenly, a loud noise woke me up . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

'KOO-KOO-KOO!'

I lifted my head.

'Hey, Pen! Do you hear that?'

Penelope nodded.

'Yup. Sounds like a bird.'

'KOO-KOO-KOO!'

Suddenly, a black bird with a fat beak flapped into our nest.

'AWK! AWK! AWK! Save me from your friends, and I promise to grant you a bountiful reward!'

My eyes went wide.

'Pen, did that bird just speak to me?'

A group of herrerasaurs crashed through the vines.

'King Morton! We were just about to catch a bird-'

'Fat chance, boys! This bird belongs to me, now!'

They looked at each other with confusion.

'Why?'

'Because I want its spoils and riches!'

They backed away slowly. When they had exited my room, I turned to Penelope.

'I suppose you'll be wanting a cut of this bird's money?'

Penelope shrugged.

'I just want to go on an adventure.'

The bird smiled.

'You'll both find happiness once you meet my employer.'

I held out my claws.

'Wait, wait, wait. You're saying that you DON'T have your riches readily available?'

'Well, if you speak with my employer-'

'Eat him!'

The toucan squawked and flapped his wings.

'Hear me out! I promise to make this worth your while.'

'Alright, we'll give you a shot,' I said begrudgingly, 'But this "employer" of yours had better be credible.'

***TSJPFEW***

'Hi, I'm Elkay, the grand master of all things good and mother to us all . . . or something like that. I see that Moku-Pa found you well . . .'

I nodded slowly.

'Uh-huh, and what, pray tell, do you think you're doing here?'

'I'm about to make you an offer you can't refuse,' the yellow dragon said sneakily.

'And our compensation? . . .'

'You will find bountiful riches during your journey.'

I glanced at Penelope. He nodded.

'Alright, we're in!'

***TSJPFEW***

"Wait a minute. So, you actually met Elkay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You ought to have told us!"

"She said you'd say something like that! But she didn't want to meet you in person, because it would ruin her 'punchline', whatever THAT means . . ."

"She speaks in riddles. God, I hate that."

"Yeah. Fascinating. Anyway . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

We flew on the back of the yellow dragon with a shifty-looking gentleman, who leaned against her horns while chewing his gum. I didn't particularly want to socialize with humans- other than Ellie, of course- so this was mildly displeasing.

Elkay noticed my discomfort and introduced us.

"Morton, Penelope: this is Nick Van Owen. He visited Sorna back in '97, when we will be traveling to shortly."

"Hello," the man said, extending his arm. I ignored the gesture.

"Nice to meet you," I said sarcastically.

"Nick's a photographer. He used to work with Ian-"

"More or less. Hey, you said these dinosaurs talk, right? That's normal? They just . . . talk?"

"We can, but only when we have something worth saying," I snapped.

Elkay snorted.

"Yeah, and even then, they can't decide whether or not they have italian accents . . . Errr, that's 'italian' with a lower case 'I'. I use capitalization to distinguish between adjectives and whatnot."

"You gonna be writing this down, toots?" Nick asked, popping his gum.

"Mayb-eh."

We continued to fly for a very long time. Finally, we approached a purple split in the sky.

"Alright, you three: buckle up! When we hit 88, we're gonna see some serious shit!"

Without warning, she dove down into the tear. I held on for dear life, screaming at the top of my lungs. A brilliant flash of white light blinded me temporarily. When I opened my eyes, I was lying on the ground with Nick and Penelope.

"Hey . . . Where did that dragon-lady go?" Penelope asked.

"I dunno," Nick replied, "But she left us a map."

He held up a ratty, tea-stained paper, which had a black, dotted line passing through various images. These locations were named "Sinister Canyon", "Howling Peak", and "Field of Evil-Death-Mean-Bad".

I looked at the map with a clouded brow.

"Oh, this is going to be a breeze . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

An hour into our journey, we began to notice a change in the terrain. The field was gradually becoming rockier, and there was a light fog spreading at our feet. I led the procession through the haze, as I didn't particularly like our new friend and his wise-cracks.

"So, anyway, we walk into the barn, and there are two horses. Then I say, 'Now can I have my hat back?'."

Penelope fell to the ground laughing. I rolled my eyes and continued to walk.

"You know, as much as I love your anecdotes, they aren't helping us get to our destination," I said sarcastically. Nick snorted.

"Yeah, but you're lucky I'm even bothering to talk to you. I don't particularly like dinosaurs . . ."

"Why? Do you think we're egregious?" I hummed.

"Morton, we don't migrate . . ." Penelope said.

I slapped my forehead.

"I don't think he knows what 'egregious' means . . ." Nick whispered. I frowned.

"Well, why don't you tell him?"

"I don't know what it means, either."

I rolled my eyes.

"Honestly, you humans are so dense!"

Penelope gave me a funny look.

"Morton, I once saw you try to milk a tapir . . ."

"What does that have to do with anything?" I huffed.

Suddenly, Nick pulled me back.

"Hey! What's the big idea?"

He pointed to the ground. I hadn't noticed before, but I was standing at the edge of a large canyon. I peered over the precipice with dread.

"Do we . . . Do we have to cross that?"

Nick nodded.

"I think so. But, look! There's a land-bridge!"

He pointed to a rickety-looking rock formation. I squeaked.

"Uh . . . Maybe we should go one at a time . . . Just to be safe . . ."

Nick nodded and ran over to the bridge. He stepped on it lightly and padded across.

"Easy-peasy. Who's next?"

"I am!" Penelope chirped. He stepped up with ease and made it to the other side.

"Way to go!" Nick said semi-sincerely.

"Wow, I'm surprised that that could hold my weight," Penelope remarked, "Your turn, Morton!"

I walked over to the formation slowly. It was awfully high up. I gulped and placed my left foot on the bridge, but pulled it back right away.

"I thought I heard a 'crack'. Did anyone hear a 'crack'? I don't think this is safe . . ."

Nick rolled his eyes.

"There was no 'crack'. You're imagining things. Just try not to look down . . ."

As soon as he said this, I looked down. It was a bad idea. I couldn't even see the bottom of the canyon through all of the mist. I've always had a fear of heights, though I'd never admit it to anyone.

"Y-y-you two go on without me . . ." I stuttered, "I can find another way around . . ."

Penelope looked very concerned, but Nick remained apathetic.

"Come on, you big wimp! It's not that far."

Growling angrily, I stepped up onto the bridge. Walking across slowly, I told myself to keep my eyes on the horizon. Unfortunately, this also meant that I wasn't able to watch where I was stepping. I shuffled forward, not wanting to imagine what would happen if I fell.

'HSSSHHH!'

A bright yellow snake suddenly appeared at my feet, snapping at me angrily. I leapt back, putting all of my weight on the thin portion of the bridge. Before I knew it, I was dangling over the precipice. Nick kicked the snake into the canyon and grabbed my arms. I scrambled up over the edge and landed safely on the other side.

"You okay?" Nick asked.

I nodded.

"Piece of cake."

***TSJPFEW***

We climbed over Howling Peak in the late afternoon. The rocks were jagged, and the wind blew fiercely. At certain points, we had to walk with our backs to the cliff to keep from falling off of the narrow path.

"Man! This road sure is egregious!" Penelope shrieked as he stumbled through the gravel.

"I'm pretty sure that means something e-"

Nick was suddenly cut off when he slipped on a pile of pebbles. Penelope grabbed him, but they both tumbled down the hill. Panicked, I dove after them. We landed with a solid whump at the bottom of the cliff.

"Ow . . ." Penelope moaned.

A thick cloud covered the trail above us.

"Guys, I think we're lost . . ." Nick groaned, rubbing his lower back.

"Smooth move, Nick," I snapped, "How are we supposed to find the Evil-Death . . . Evil . . . Thingy?"

"Hey, don't blame me!" he growled, "I never asked for any of this!"

"Then why'd you come?" I mocked.

"I'm in it for the money. Like always."

I snorted.

"Well, you ain't getting any of MY cut!"

"I don't CARE!"

"Fine. Whatever. Let's keep moving," I grumbled.

***TSJPFEW***

Because of Nick's clumsiness, we were forced to take a detour. We traveled through the Raging Rapids, the Frightening Forest, and the Valley of Dancing Rainbows, which was filled with flesh-eating mantids. Just when it seemed like we could walk no more, we reached our destination: the Sorna nuclear power plant.

As we approached the main breaker switch, we noticed a woman leaning up against the wall. After swallowing the remnants of her chocolate bar, she strutted over and waved her hand lightly.

"What took you so long?"

"We had a little accident," Nick said, flipping the main switch by hand.

I tossed my head angrily.

"Alright, lady. Your dragon friend promised us riches . . ."

"Morton, they're the same person . . ." Penelope whispered.

The woman lifted her eyebrows.

"No, we're not!"

"You so obviously are!" Nick interjected, "You're not fooling anyone."

"You're not fooling your SHUT UP!"

I growled.

"So, where's our riches?" I spat.

The woman spread her hands whimsically.

"The most bountiful riches of all . . . were forged in your friendship."

Nick tilted his head.

"What friendship? We still hate each other!"

The woman blinked.

"Oh . . . Are you sure you don't like each other, even a little?"

I shook my head.

"Nope. I hate his guts."

The woman rubbed her chin.

"Hm. Well, that was unexpected."

"Are you saying that you don't have any money for us?"

The woman began to sweat.

"Well, I . . . The fact of the matter is . . . LOOK: A DISTRACTION!"

We all turned to where she was pointing. There was nothing there, obviously. When we looked back, she had disappeared.

Nick pursed his lips and clenched his fists.

"Son of a-"

ZAP!

Without warning, we were sent back to Isla Nublar, 1999.

I'm not sure what I learned that day . . . Hell, I'm not even sure why I told this story. I guess the important thing is that it ate up time and distracted you from the fact that Penelope burned all of our marshmallows in the campfire.

The End.

***TSJPFEW***

"So, Elkay- I'm assuming she was the woman, too- made you turn on the nuclear reactor? Why?"

"No idea."

"I'll bet it had something to do with the virus. Nuclear power activates the disease, remember?"

"Wait a minute. Didn't Charlie say something about a swedish compsognathus?"

"Why? Do you know any compsognathuses, Ian?"

"No, but I may have a theory. Does the PMR only work for people with the activated virus?"

"Yes, why?"

"Well, I knew a swedish man who was eaten- supposedly eaten- by compsognathus. Maybe Elkay wanted the power switched on so that our little friend could kidnap Charlie, prompting Wu to save him-"

"-and make us question whether or not he can be redeemed? Is she sending us a message?"

"Maybe."

"And what about Jake's story? Was he supposed to provide an allegory for Wu's redemption?"

"Probably. How else do you explain the sudden appearance of millions of bambiraptors? Elkay is behind it all, I tell ya!"

"Uh . . . Ellie? About that thing I was going to tell you . . ."

"Robin . . . did you cause the bambiraptor invasion?"

"I'm sorry, Ellie! I had good intentions! Just hear me out . . ."

"Fine. Go ahead."

"Alright. It all started on the thirteenth of March . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

Because I missed Ellie's birthday in '98, I wanted to make 1999 a special year. Ellie refused to tell me when her birthdate was, of course, so I had to squeeze the info out of Charlie. He was no match for my superior intellect . . .

. . . That is to say, I kept bugging him until he gave up and spilled the beans.

Anyway, I knew that Ellie wanted hanging lights for the kitchen, but the only place that manufactured said lights was a hardware store in Oklahoma, which only existed in the canon we sent Wu to so many years ago. I was therefore determined to bring whomever ran the shop into our dimension to do a secret renovation.

As it just so happened, it was a family-owned business, and I had to schedule an appointment with the mother, father, and son. It wasn't easy, but thanks to my egregious social skills, I was able to trick them into coming to our dimension and installing the lights.

***TSJPFEW***

"Ha! I knew you were up to something!"

"I'm sorry, Ellie. I should have told you."

"What's done is done. I guess the important thing is that Jake rounded up the bambiraptors and everything turned out- Wait, you never explained the bambiraptor invasion!"

"Right, right . . . I guess I'd better tell the whole story."

***TSJPFEW***

I had morphed into a human, of course, as the Kirbys (That was the name of the family who ran the shop.) most likely weren't used to giant, yellow dinosaurs. It wasn't easy to fool them into coming to our dimension; I'll tell you that much! But I planned an elaborate ruse . . .

"So, why do we have to wear blindfolds, again?" the man asked.

"Because I want you to have a fresh opinion on the kitchen's current state," I explained as I guided them towards the portal that led back home.

"Paul, this is ridiculous! I can't see a thing!" the woman whined.

"At least she didn't make us wear these things on the bus . . ." the kid sighed.

As we crossed the boundary between our worlds, I led them through the VC and into the kitchen. The father was carrying their tools and the son was carrying the light fixtures. The wife was walking forward slowly with her hands splayed out blindly. Because they were far apart, she ran straight into a pillar. I rushed over and turned her in the right direction.

When we were all safely in the kitchen (A little bruised, perhaps, but who's complaining?), I removed the guests' blindfolds, one by one.

"Ta-dah! Here it is: the kitchen! You probably want me to get out of your hair, so I'll let you do whatever it is you do . . ."

"Well, okay . . ." the man said, "I think we can get these puppies installed in no time!"

"Good luck!" I twittered as I shut the door.

Sighing with exasperation, I remorphed into an allosaurus and shook myself off. It didn't feel natural to be human, especially when I had to socialize with Non-Nublarians. I wasn't all that good at being normal before I became a dinosaur, so you can probably imagine why this was no walk in the park.

As I padded out of the Visitors' Center, my sweet little Nellie limped down the pathway.

"Mama! Mama! Look what I found!"

She held up a very frightened-looking bunny.

"Oh, that's sweet, dear. Does he have a name?"

"Bicycleman!"

I crumpled my nose.

"Oh. That's . . . interesting . . ."

"Aranea's trying to catch one too, but he's too quick for her. Do we have any carrots or lettuce?"

"Sorry, baby. Kitchen's closed."

"Aw."

I smiled.

"Why don't you show Bicycleman to Ellie? I'm sure she'd love to see him!"

"Alright!" Nellie said brightly.

As she skipped down the path (holding her bunny under its armpits), a very pink raptor came gallivanting through the bushes.

"Princeton! You're . . . pink," I remarked.

He did a little twirl and ruffled his feathers.

"Yeah, Sarah smuggled a flamingo feather from the States, and now, I'm FA-BULOUS!"

I giggled.

"I'm sure Crusher will love it . . ."

Princeton clicked his tongue.

"Crusher doesn't know a thing about fashion. The other day, he asked me what an ojime was!"

I cocked my head.

"Uh . . ."

"Anyway, I thought I'd add a splash of color to my feathers. Isn't it great? The only downside is: I have to eat a lot of shrimp to preserve my blush . . ."

"Well, good luck with that, Princeton," I said, "Maybe someday Crusher will decide to adopt your passion for fashion."

"You know it, guuurl!"

He gave a little wave and strutted down the path. I rolled my eyes and headed back into the VC.

"Man, that raptor's a poof . . ." I muttered under my breath.

***TSJPFEW***

I returned to the kitchen, human-morphed again, and paid the Kirbys in cold, hard cash. They had installed the lights (Well, the father and son had; I don't think the mother was very competent) and were busy packing up. I leaned against the counter, admiring the teardrop-shaped bulbs.

"Those look really nice," I remarked, "Ellie's gonna love 'em!"

The man nodded.

"Thank you. I take pride in a job well done. Isn't that right, Eric?"

"You know it!"

The boy smiled and gave him a quick high-five. Over by the counter, the woman was trying to unknot a screwdriver cord.

"Paul, I don't see how this thing is supposed to- AAAAAAAAAH!"

I whipped my head around.

"Rat! Rat! Raaaaaaaaat!" the woman shrieked, slapping her shirt in a sort of spastic dance. Near the front of her blouse, I could just barely see the tip of a bambiraptor's tail.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" I gasped as I ran over.

The bambi jumped out of her shirt and sprinted across the table. Stepping on a black switch, he turned on the stove, which set the woman's shirt on fire.

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

I grabbed a frying pan.

"Many- apologies- they're- usually- well- behaved!" I said as I beat her chest.

"What kind of a freak operation are you ru-"

Before Mr. Kirby could finish, a cinnamon-colored rabbit darted between his legs.

"Gingerbunny! Come back!" Aranea gasped as she skidded across the floor. Behind her, Joy and Nellie struggled to hold their own rabbits.

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

With the fire put out, Mrs. Kirby began to scream at my children, instead. She grabbed an eggbeater and held it out in self-defense.

"Help! Help!" the youngest Kirby shouted as he was attacked by a ball of calico fur.

"Patches! Heel!" Joy said brusquely. The rabbit continued to attack him, foaming at the mouth.

"Joy! Did you catch a rabid rabbit?" I spat.

"He's just a little spirited, that's all . . ."

In a blur of white and black fur, Bicycleman leapt through the air. All three of my children struggled to recapture their lapine companions, but in vain. Without warning, Orange joined the battle, howling as Patches snapped at him with his yellow buckteeth. I yanked my cat away before he could do any serious damage (Indeed, he had a bad track record of eating my coworkers' pets [specifically Jay's].). As the bambiraptors swung from the hanging lights, I pushed Mr. Kirby away from my children and launched Bicycleman across the room, hoping that Nellie would follow. She did, but ran straight into Princeton, who was coming through the door.

"Hey, Robin: I borrowed your lipstick. I hope you don't mind- HOLY JALAPEÑOS!"

He bumped into Mrs. Kirby, who was immediately caked with glitter and eyelash glue.

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

"WHAT IN THE SEVEN CIRCLES OF HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!" Mr. Kirby shrieked.

I snapped my fingers methodically.

"Princeton, tie everyone up!"

He gave me a funny look.

"Even your kids?"

"No . . . Okay, yes, but only after you tie up our guests."

***TSJPFEW***

A few minutes later, we all sat in a circle, inhaling and exhaling tensely.

"Alright. Now, everyone is going to be calm . . ." I breathed.

"CALM?! You're holding us hostage!" Mrs. Kirby spat.

"True, true, but you need to hear me out."

"Hear you out? We've just been attacked by killer dinosaurs! Again!" the kid shouted.
I held out my hands.

"Fair enough, but in my defense, I never planned for you to find out about them . . ."

Princeton pushed through the door with a large tray in his claws. He went around the room, handing out small teacups with no handles.

"This is an herbal mix of ginseng, chamomile, and citrus. It calms the nerves . . ." he lisped.

I sighed.

"Princeton, can you please be less . . ."

I searched for the right word.

"Flamboyant?" he suggested.

"Flamblatant."

"Look, this is getting us nowhere!" Mr. Kirby said sternly, "We just came here to do renovations, and now, we've been kidnapped by a lunatic woman and her sassy, gay raptor friend!"

I flinched a little at his comment. He noticed this, but remained firm. I bit my lip and leafed through my wallet.

"Look . . . If I pay you, will you keep quiet about all of this?"

"How much?" Mrs. Kirby asked.

"Amanda!"

"I just want to know . . ."

I rubbed my forehead.

"How about thirty-eight thousand?"

Their jaws dropped.

"I'd give you more, but this is all I had when I was . . . Well, this is all I can offer."

Mr. Kirby nodded.

"Yeah, I think we might be able to let this slide."

I handed him the money. Princeton watched with disbelief.

"Robin, you can't-"

"I have to. It's the right thing to do."

"Bribing?" he pressed.

". . . It's the easiest thing to do."

With a solemn sigh, I led the Kirbys back to the interdimensional portal. When they had crossed the border, I closed the tear and leaned against the kitchen wall.

"I'm proud of you, Robin," Princeton said sincerely.

"That's good, 'cuz I'm not very proud of myself."

***TSJPFEW***

And so, the Kirbys left our dimension, and as far as I know, they never told anyone about our misadventures. Princeton kept his lips (raptor lips) sealed, mostly because he really wanted to try out my new makeup. Joy, Aranea, and Nellie were allowed to keep their bunnies, as they threatened to tell Ellie about what I had done. Little pukes.

All in all, I thought I had gotten away with my scheme . . .

. . . Until I got a letter in the mail.

Dear Robin,

A couple of bambiraptors snuck across the dimensional threshold in the Kirbys' toolbox during their illegal visit. Don't panic: someone sent in an ugly dinosaur to clean up your mess. Long story short, the bambies are trapped inside a meteor, floating across time and space. I don't know where they're going to land, but if they end up somewhere important, you'll have to cross over.

Cordialement votre,

The Phantom of the Opera

And there you have it: my secret shame (one of them, at least). I did my best to keep the whole ordeal a secret, but I think it's about time everyone knew. It was a bad idea to attempt something so risky without consulting my friends first.

Kind of.

Funnily enough, I don't regret my escapade. Seeing how much Ellie loved her gift was well worth the inner turmoil I had to face afterwards.

Mostly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: don't try anything dangerous, unless you're absolutely sure that you have enough money to bribe your victims.

***TSJPFEW***

"Oh, Robin! You didn't have to do all of that for me!"

"I wanted to. You're my best friend . . ."

"Well, whatever the case may be, Elkay wanted to send us a message: there's no doubt about that. The fact that we're all sitting here, discussing what should be done about Wu, is evidence enough that she knew it would come to this. Now, the question is: do we trust him?"

"Never!"

"Maybe . . ."

"We'll have to wait and see . . ."

"Speak of the devil! Here he comes."

"Hello, Seriama. Hello, Dr. Wu."

"You don't have to call me that. I'm not a 'doctor' anymore."

"O- okay. Would you like to take a seat?"

"It feels warm here. Is there a fire?"

"Yeah, it's right in front of you! Are you BLIND?"

"Yes, I am."

"Oh . . ."

"I'm sorry. We didn't know."

"It's fine. Is there a reason you called me here?"

"Yeah. Charlie said that you saved him from the compsognathus."

". . ."

"Aren't you gonna say something?"

"Like what?"

"Well, tell us if it's true!"

"It's true. I scared off the compsognathus."

"Thank you for saving my son."

"Don't thank me."

"Henry, we should probably head home . . ."

"Right. Is there anything else you wanted to say?"

"No, but don't leave just yet."

"Is there a problem? . . ."

"No."

"Then I'd rather be on Sorna. If a problem does come along . . . Well, I don't want to be around."

"We wouldn't jump to conclusions. Anyway, we were considering . . . uh . . ."

". . . Yes? . . ."

"Well . . . I don't know. Are you still . . . erm . . ."

". . . What? . . ."

"Well, we were just wondering-"

"How did you go blind? Ellie told us that Zebil beat you up pretty bad. You look perfectly fine! Is this some kind of trick?"

"ROBIN!"

"It's not a trick. Elkay did this. I'd like to leave now-"

"Fat chance, mister! You have some explaining to do . . ."

"Leave him alone! He's been through a lot!"

"Shhh. Don't get angry with them, Seriama. It's fine. I ought to tell them, anyway . . ."

"Take your time."

"Okay. I was bleeding in the garden. You had just left, and things were looking pretty bleak . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

More than anything, I remember the pain. You don't forget pain like that. I couldn't move, and when I tried, the pain got worse. A lot worse. I couldn't scream: my throat was filled with blood. All I could do was sit and wait.

I knew I was going to die: there was no doubt about that. I had lost a lot of blood, and besides, no one was coming to rescue me. I was all alone, and with good reason. I had betrayed everyone who had shown me even a hint of kindness, and for what? Power? Well, that didn't exactly work out in the end.

I should have known better than to trust Zebil, I guess. He uses people. He deceives them like some sort of sick opportunist. I should have seen it coming. People like him and me, we don't make friends. We find assets. If someone can be persuaded into helping us, we exploit them. Once they have nothing left to offer, we kick them to the curb like they meant nothing to us. Sure, once in a while, I'd grow attached to someone, but I always justified my actions by telling myself that I could always find a replacement. There are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say.

As I lay dying, however, I realized that I had made a terrible mistake. Because I had pushed everyone away, there was no one left to support me. I had always counted on what was coming next. I figured that there would always be an endless supply of people to take advantage of. Now, there was no "next". It was the end.

The last thing I ever saw was the sky. There were stars in the window, thousands of them, but they were dim. I didn't like staring at them for too long. When I closed my eyes, however, a peculiar thing happened. The pain disappeared, and the starlight that shone through my eyelids faded to black. When I opened my eyes, I saw nothing. I was absolutely sure that I was dead.

But I wasn't.

'Hello, Henry.'

The voice was everywhere at once. I stood up and looked around, but it was useless to try and locate the speaker, because everything was black.

'You're blind, Henry. I made you that way. But you're healed.'

"Who are you?" I whispered.

'Elkay of Asterpara. You've met my enemy, Lord Zebil. He is defeated. Ellie Sattler and her friends have returned home.'

I didn't know how to respond. This woman was clearly on their side, which meant that I was probably about to be pummeled again. My hypothesis was that she had healed me in order to make her own attack more potent, but it was not so. Instead, I felt the ground shift beneath my feet, and suddenly, I was standing on what felt like sand. I could hear the sound of water a few feet away.

"Am I on an island?"

'You are on Isla Sorna. Not the one from the other world. You've never been here before as a spinosaurus.'

"Are you going to kill me?"

'No. I will leave you here. There are important matters I must attend to. Goodbye.'

"Wait, what? Just like that?"

I heard the beating of wings and felt a strong wind.

"Wait! Come back!"

I stumbled down the beach, following the sound of her wings. When the water washed over my feet, I stopped. There was no way I could track her across the ocean. It would be almost impossible to keep up with her, never mind find my way to her destination while I was blind. With a pitiful wail, I collapsed in the wet sand, writhing around in agony. This was even worse than dying.

I waited for a long time. Even when I had figured out that she probably wasn't coming back, I didn't move a muscle. There was no point in trying to go on: I wouldn't be able to hunt in my current state. Obviously, Elkay intended to let me starve or be picked off by scavengers. Although I knew that I probably deserved such a fate, it was humiliating to think that I'd be eaten by compsognathus or bambiraptors.

Because I could no longer rely on my eyesight, my auditory and olfactory receptors were suddenly working at full force. That's why, when the rhythm of the ocean was suddenly set offbeat, I noticed the sound right away. It seemed as though something was paddling across the water.

The creature sloshed through the shallower waves, heading in my direction. I didn't bother lifting my head: I was in no position to fight off a potential threat. The creature, however, put its snout up against mine in a friendly greeting.

'Henry . . .'

'Seriama!' I gasped, 'What are you- I mean- How-'

'I swam. From Nublar.'

'Nublar?' I shrieked, 'But that's miles away! You must have been swimming for ages!'

'It didn't feel like a long time.'

'Why? Why did you swim all the way to Sorna?'

'To see you.'

I pulled my head back in surprise.

'Me? . . .'

'Yes, you.'

At this point, I expected her to give me a good beating. There was no doubt, in my mind, that she had come back to call me out on my betrayal.

But she didn't.

Instead, she sat down by my side and laid her head in the sand. I hovered around for a bit, trying to find exactly where she was, then lowered my chin onto the back of her neck. She sighed deeply. I closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I was fast asleep.

***TSJPFEW***

When I woke up the next day, Seriama was still by my side. I could feel her leaning up against me, just like she had done on the other Sorna. For over two years, we had slept the same way, but for the very first time, I actually appreciated her presence. Her warmth was the only thing that indicated that I was not alone, and I marveled at the fact that she had returned, just for me. After all that I'd done, I couldn't possibly comprehend her motivations. But I was glad, very glad, that she had decided to stay.

I smiled and rested my chin on her shoulder. She gave a happy sigh and leaned in closer. As I felt her heartbeat against my throat, however, I started to panic. This felt a lot like before, in that I was using her for my own personal gain. I realized that I couldn't allow myself to be happy, or I would be taking advantage of her. With a heavy heart, I stood up and began to walk away.

'Where are you going?' Seriama asked with dread. I stopped walking and turned around, hoping that I was facing her as I spoke.

'I have to go.'

'Where? Why?' she wailed.

'I . . . I don't know. I don't want to get in your way.'

'Get in my way?! I swam across eighty-seven miles of ocean, just to find you!'

I closed my eyes and lowered my head.

'You shouldn't have done that.'

In a way, I was lucky to be blind, because the way Seriama spoke indicated that her facial expression would have been enough to kill me.

'Are you LEAVING me?'

I rushed over to rub against her side.

'No! No! Never again. Never again . . .'

'Then why did you walk away?'

'Because I'll only make you miserable if I stay.'

'You won't.'

'I'm a bad influence . . .'

'I don't care.'

'I betrayed you . . .'

'All is forgiven.'

'No, don't say that! You can't just let something like that slide . . .'

'I can.'

'Jesus, Seriama, why are you so adamant? You have no reason to stay!'

'I do.'

'Well, what-'

'I love you.'

That did it. I broke down and started sobbing against her chest. She waited patiently as I wailed like a banshee. Once I had settled down, she led me into the jungle, where we spent the next few months.

***TSJPFEW***

It wasn't easy being blind. I had enough difficulty finding my own food, but poor Seriama had to hunt for the both of us. I didn't want to make more trouble for her, but she refused to leave. I was thankful that she stayed, of course, but I couldn't help but feel that I might be taking advantage of her kindness. For this reason, I took every opportunity to help her out.

One day, while she was out in the fields, I found a small clearing and began to snap the branches off of nearby trees. When I had enough, I wove them into (what I hoped was) a thatched pattern. Using vines to hoist up the branches, I made a sort of roof over the clearing. I covered the structure with leaves and grass. It was hard work, and more than a little difficult (due to my blindness), but it felt secure enough.

When Seriama returned, she was surprised, but thrilled to see that I had taken initiative in some way. As it just so happened, it rained that night, but we stayed dry. I guess it wasn't a very sturdy roof, because it crashed down a few days later. This breakthrough, however, inspired me to try something new. I promised myself that, no matter how difficult it was to be blind, I would try my very best to counteract my incompetence by being useful.

It wasn't easy to come up with ways to surprise Seriama, as there are only so many things one can build with branches. I eventually settled on arranging flowers, as it was less dangerous for my health. I even went so far as to ask other theropods for their opinions on the bouquets, as I could not see them myself. During one particularly long expedition, I stumbled upon a tribe of compsognathus, and I'm sure Charlie told you the rest.

***TSJPFEW***

"So, that's what happened. I never really intended to do anything noble. It just sort of happened."

Henry fell silent. After a moment, he tilted his head and gave a worried frown.

"Has everyone left?"

Ellie stood up.

"What? No! We're still here . . ."

Henry nodded.

"Sorry. It got really quiet."

Seriama helped Henry to his feet.

"Well, we'd better get going . . ."

"Stay," Ellie insisted.

Henry turned around slowly.

"Please. We have no quarrel with you. I promise, if you let us return-"

"No, what I mean is: you ought to stay here, with us."

Henry blinked. He turned to Seriama.

"What are they doing?"

"They're smiling," she replied.

"How?"

"With their teeth? . . ."

Ian laughed.

"I think he's wondering whether we're smiling in a friendly way, to which, the answer is 'yes'."

Henry's nose twitched lightly.

"Why?"

"Because we're trying to be friendly," Ellie replied.

"Well, you don't have to do that on account of me. I'd rather just be left alone . . ."

"Now that, I don't believe," Alan said sternly, "I think you'd be much happier on Isla Nublar."

Henry gave him a sad smile.

"I don't deserve to be happy."

He turned to leave, but Ellie dashed in front of him.

"Now, see here! We can't allow you to leave, at least not for another few months . . ."

"Why not?"

"Because the tylosaurus is hovering around the Sorna current, and she doesn't particularly like you."

Henry nodded.

"Yes, that's true, but I could always take a boat."

"That'd be grand theft auto!" Robin protested.

"I suppose so . . . Wait! Didn't YOU try to hotwire a motorboat once?" Henry asked. Robin shuffled away guiltily.

"That was a completely different situation . . ."

"Alright, guys! That's enough! I think we've all agreed that Wu should stay," Sarah declared.

"I can't."

"We're not giving you a choice," Ellie said flatly, "You're not leaving this island."

Henry sighed.

"Fine. I guess I could stay for a day or two . . ."

"Great! I'll clean out the garage!" Robin chirped.

"Oh, Henry! This is wonderful!" Seriama said brightly.

"Well, if you're happy, I'm happy."

***TSJPFEW***

Ellie and Alan led Seriama and Henry through the jungle. Although he had wide strides, Henry couldn't walk very fast, due to his disability. Seriama leaned up against his side like a shepherd, holding branches out of his way as they traveled.

"You know, Wu-"

"Call me Henry. And I'm not just being fake-polite, this time."

Ellie nodded.

"You know, Henry, I reacted very poorly when you apologized in the garden."

"No. You were right. I don't think it'd be fair to forgive me."

"Maybe not, but you did save my son-"

"Accidentally."

"Well, yeah, but it shows that you care about others . . . Not that you didn't before, but . . . You didn't before."

Henry nodded.

"Yeah. I think I've improved in that area. A little."

Alan gave a faint smile.

"More than a little, in my opinion. We appreciate what you did, W- Henry . . . That name thing is going to take some getting used to . . ."

"Many apologies. I should have given you reason to call me that before."

Ellie chuckled.

"Well, there's no time like the present."

"True," Alan added, "And we could always call you 'DoYouThinkHeSaurus'!"

It was the first time they'd ever heard Henry laugh sincerely.