CHAPTER 54
"Are you reporting on my progress to Elizabeth?" Rodney asked Kate with a fierce glare.
"You came to me voluntarily, Rodney. I would only go to Elizabeth if I thought what you were telling me was going to put people at risk and since your team isn't going off world they aren't at risk."
"Then why isn't she asking me how it's going; how I'm doing?"
"Maybe she's giving you space. She knows you aren't going to get better over night and pestering you with questions can actually make things worse. We have actually begun to understand you, you know."
They sat in silence for several minutes. Kate pulled out her digital notepad and worked on catching up on her paperwork. She knew that if she tried her 'psycho-babble' on him, he'd clam up tight. Ignore him and he felt, well, ignored and talk.
"Reanna thinks I should lock myself in a room with you for four days."
Kate looked up startled. "She what?"
Rodney smirked at the reaction. "Says it did wonders for her."
Kate recovered. "Oh," she smiled. "Yes, she talked a lot in the middle of the night."
"Mmmm, yes, pillow talk."
"I don't think so." Kate fought the blush hard.
She knew she'd failed when Rodney grinned. "Very funny. Any new nightmares since the last session?"
The grin slipped away. "My mind is becoming quite inventive even for me."
Kate waited.
Rodney jerked to his feet and wandered over to look out over the peaceful, beautiful structures of his home. "I didn't have any for three nights." He gave a snort. "I thought I was making progress."
"That is progress."
"Yes, well, night four made up for it. Not only were we on Jurassic, but so were Koyla, his henchmen and a few wraith just for good measure."
He didn't even have to shut his eyes to see John having the life sucked out of him just moments before frilled lizards began to swarm him. Koyla and his men abusing Reanna and leaving her tied up in the meadow to be eaten. All he'd found of Ronon was his tattooed forearm.
He didn't realize he was verbalizing the dream until he felt Kate's hand on his shoulder. He looked over at her and saw she looked green. "Imagine it in living color." He said morbidly.
"What do you need your friends to do so that you feel they're safe?"
Rodney looked at her in confusion.
"I'm serious. Think about it. Ronon was clumsy and slipped on the rocks and nearly drowned. Reanna was tied up and helpless. Those are the two you dream about the most. Occasionally, John and Teyla are victims but not as often. What would reassure you that they aren't clumsy, helpless?"
"I know they aren't clumsy and helpless." Exasperation tinted his voice.
"You'd made them invincible in your mind so when they did get hurt it shook your conception of their abilities." Kate moved away back to her chair and her notepad. "Just think about it."
Had he really built them up like that? "Maybe we just need some normal missions." Rodney grumped as he returned to slump on the sofa.
Kate looked at him. "When does your team have normal missions?"
"Normal for us," Rodney expanded, resting an ankle on his knee. "The ones where everything is good until it isn't and they shoot the bad guys while we get to the gate and if anyone is hurt it's me."
"You want to be hurt?"
"No, I don't want to be hurt." Rodney retorted acerbically. "I'm just saying that is how it usually goes."
"I see," Kate murmured and she did. He was blocking the normal missions where the other members were hurt. Of course, he did end up injured an awful lot.
They sat there in silence for a while until Kate said casually, "It's not your fault."
"What?" Rodney frowned at her, his face screwed up in confusion.
"The accidents, the deaths, the injuries – they aren't your fault."
"Of course they aren't." He huffed.
Kate studied him with her gentle understanding. "Until you believe that the nightmares aren't going away. If you don't believe me, ask John. I have his permission to," she cocked her head sideways, "skirt some of the things I've helped him with."
Rodney sat up interested in discussing someone besides himself. It wasn't often John Sheppard allowed anyone to see his weaknesses.
"He felt responsible for every death; every injury that happened off world because he was the one who decided which team went on which mission. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat without getting sick it was getting to the point where he was finding himself unable to make a decision because he was imaging the team dead before they even knew they were going."
"That's ridiculous!" Rodney exclaimed. "They knew it'd be dangerous when they signed on. They knew they could die."
"He knew that, but he still felt what he felt. It took a couple of months before he let go of the guilt and realized that all he could do was protect them the best he could and trust in their abilities and grieve when it wasn't enough."
Rodney was silent for a long while then he looked up his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "He told us he had the flu or some such thing! He lied to us!"
"He didn't want to shake your faith in him."
Suddenly, so many weird things about John's behavior earlier last year made since. Rodney slumped back into the couch. "Elizabeth didn't attempt to send him back to Earth."
Kate smiled. "He didn't demand that his marines wear bells to alert others to their presence."
Rodney flushed.
"You are going to demand off world missions. People are going to get hurt. You can't shoulder the blame for it all."
"Tell that to my subconscious."
"Perhaps you should re-read old mission reports. Remind your subconscious of what your team is capable of. Remind it that they've been hurt before and survived and kicked butt afterwards."
Rodney grunted and gave a haphazard little hand wave that meant 'yeah, possibly, maybe, no promises.'
SGA
Rodney rubbed his eyes and stretched before returning his attention to the monitor. He needed to get this project up to speed. Between his sleepless nights and his chitchats with Kate he was falling way behind his schedule.
He reached for his coffee cup and lifted it to his lips only to sigh as he realized it was empty. He set it down heavily and rubbed his neck kneading the tense muscles until they loosened slightly.
"Hey Buddy."
He turned to see Sheppard leaning in the doorway.
"Thought we'd go drink some beer." John held up a couple of six packs and gave Rodney a whimsical grin that didn't quite reach pain-darkened eyes.
Rodney stared for a moment taking in the normally unseen lines on John's face and the pain in his eyes. "Sure, why not?"
"Well, not the enthusiastic agreement I was looking for, but," he shrugged and waited for Rodney to shut everything down.
They walked out to 'their' pier bantering about what new movies were worth seeing and bringing up trivia questions based on who was in those movies.
Rodney was feeling pretty well relaxed by the time they settled on the pier, legs dangling over the ocean far below them.
They sat there in silence, drinking beer. Finally, well into the second one John sighed as he played with the tab.
"You know I was married once, right?"
"Huh? What, oh yeah, yeah you told me. Nancy, right?"
John nodded as he leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. "I just got word that she was in accident." The beer can crumpled in his hand. "She died."
Rodney stared at him. "Oh, John, I'm sorry. I mean, I know she was your ex, but you loved her once, and…" He stopped and huffed. "I'm sorry."
John gave him a twisted grin that was more grimace than grin. "Thanks."
"So we're out here drinking because of your suck-y news not my issues?"
"Yep." John tossed the rest of the beer back and grabbed a third.
"You going to Earth?"
"I never stopped loving her, Rodney. It changed over the years, but…" John's entire body shuddered with grief. "She left me because of all the secret ops. She couldn't take not knowing where I was going or when I'd be back. Said it felt like I was always lying to her."
John took a deep breath and stared out into the dark unaware or uncaring of the tears that tracked down his cheeks. "The irony is the past few years she's been working in a top secret government job"
Another shudder wracked his body and Rodney reached for his friend. For once John didn't even try to be tough. He clung to Rodney and wept.
Rodney just held him as cried huge, wrenching sobs for the loss of the woman he had loved for so long. He hated all the stupid platitudes that didn't mean crap so he just held his friend and let him know he wasn't alone and that it was okay to grieve.
After a long while, John drew back with a deep inhalation. "I'm such a wuss," he muttered swiping at his face.
"No you aren't even macho men cry."
John gave him a watery grin. "Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"I want you to come with me." John gave an aborted motion with his hand. "That's why I asked you out here. I…you're my best friend."
"Of course I'll come with you."
John nodded and opened another beer.
Two beers later Rodney asked, "Why didn't you ask me to go to your father's funeral? That's always bothered me."
"I thought I'd need Ronon to help kick my brother's ass."
"At your dad's funeral?"
"Yeah, we weren't on good terms." John took a drink. "Not on terms at all really. David actually asked if I came just for the reading of will."
"Jerk. So no ass-kickin' this time?"
"Worse… ex-mother-in-law. She thought I should give up my career, take a desk job for Nancy, but Nancy and I both knew that I'd hate it and resent her for grounding me. Marsha never got it though."
"So you need verbal ass-kickin'," Rodney nodded as if it all made perfect sense to him. "Yes, you need me for that. I don't know her and won't care if I insult her."
"I don't think it would be right to deck her."
Rodney snorted. "No. Satisfying maybe, but not right. When do we leave?"
"Day after tomorrow."
They sat there drinking their beers. They were on the last ones when Rodney cut a glance over at his friend. "You really believe that you aren't responsible for everyone we've lost?"
"Wondered if Kate said anything." He shrugged. "Some days I still feel like each and every one is my fault, but mostly, no. We made no bones about this being a dangerous, one-way trip. People are going to die. I hate it, but I had to learn to live with it."
"How? That's what no one tells me. Kate says I have to learn to deal with it. Elizabeth gives me the look. Ronon says 'don't think about it'."
"Every time someone dies I take a long, hard honest look at what happened and I decide if I really could have saved them knowing what I knew then not what I know now. When they survive I celebrate."
"So I should be celebrating." Rodney sighed.
"It's different with the team. Every time one of you ends up in the infirmary I beat myself up and go see Kate."
"Hmmm, wondered what kept you sometimes." Rodney nodded drunkenly.
"Sometimes it's hard to face you after I've gotten you hurt."
"I don't blame you, you know when things go wrong and I have to visit with Carson."
"You don't?"
"Nope. I blame the crazy Pegasus galaxy villagers. I'm getting a little dizzy. We usually spit a six pack and I haven't had supper or a lot of sleep. Maybe you should get me away from a big drop into the ocean." He leaned forward, swaying as he peered into the surging darkness below him.
"Whoa," John grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "Let's get you to bed."
John got him onto his feet and draped an arm around his waist to keep him steady.
"You know what, John?" Rodney mumbled as they staggered down the halls.
"What, Rodney?" John grunted as they stumbled into the wall. He glared at the marine doing his rounds and trying not to laugh at his C.O. and Chief of Science staggering down the halls obviously drunk. He waved off the offer of help from the marine.
Rodney looked up at him. "You're my best friend, too."
John grinned down at him. "I know, Buddy."
