Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.

A HUGE thank you to those who have reviewed each and every chapter, it really keeps me going. The end is clearly in sight and I am so grateful you have stuck with me.

September had well and truly arrived and summer was starting to give way to fall. The twins were in their last year of high school and Kathleen was settled back at college. Maureen had picked up a full time position at the magazine, and although the apartment in Manhattan was hers, she still spent most of her nights and spare time in Parkville with the family.

Elliot and Olivia had had several long discussions about his returning to work. While he felt better than he had in a long time, physically he wasn't as strong as he used to be and Olivia was concerned that if he returned fulltime he would again be working endless shifts without eating or resting properly, something which would set him back, and as an additional worry, she wouldn't be there to watch out for him.

That was part of her concern; the other part was the impending birth of Junior. Her due date of November 8th was circled on the calendar in red marker and it seemed to hit her in the face every time she looked.

Not wanting to put her worries about Junior onto Elliot, she didn't tell him of the rising doubts and insecurities she felt about motherhood. Instead, it was Don whom she poured everything out to when he inadvertently provided the last straw.

Desk duty wasn't something Olivia ever liked but with only eight weeks until her due date she was grateful she got to sit all day. Diligently she had worked her way through countless files, looking up at Elliot's empty desk every now and then. Each time she did she felt a sadness she couldn't explain. She missed him and longed for him, she was worried for him and about him. In the middle of her Elliot preoccupation, Don called her in to discuss a mistake she'd made in a file.

The moment he pointed out the error which was nothing more than a typo, Olivia's eyes filled with tears and she tried to excuse herself but Don took her hand as she reached the door and pulled her back to the chair.

"What's going on Liv?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing," she said with a sniffle and then smiled at her inability to even convince herself.

"Tell me," he said, squeezing her hand.

"Elliot wants to come back to work," she said and then took a deep breath. "And wants to be here fulltime and I don't think it's good for him because he will overdo things, because he's Elliot, and I think part time's the best and I also think I need part time because I'm just exhausted and I making stupid mistakes and ..." she rambled tearfully.

"Take a breath, Livvy," Don said, "It's okay, just take a breath."

Inhaling deeply, Olivia pushed herself out of the chair and went to stand by the window overlooking the bullpen.

"I'm scared, Don," she said quietly. "About having this baby. Everything has been so focused on Elliot, which it needed to be, and I was just so happy being pregnant that I didn't really think about the rest of it and now it's all going to happen soon and ..."

"What rest of it?" Don asked, standing alongside her.

"Having the baby," she said. "Actually giving birth, the labour, the aftermath..."

"Have you talked to El about it?" he asked, guiding her back to the chair.

She shook her head.

"Don't you think that you should? Elliot's been through this before," Don said holding onto her hand.

"He's a man," Olivia said with a sigh. "He doesn't know anything about actually having the baby, and I have no close friends with kids, you know?"

"I know," he said quietly. "What about Melinda?"

"She's at a conference," replied Olivia tearfully.

"She came back yesterday," he replied, moving back to his desk in ten minutes Melinda was in his office ready to take Olivia to lunch.

Meanwhile, Don had phoned Elliot and asked him to come in for a return to work chat. Jumping at the chance, Elliot was at the precinct before Olivia had returned from lunch. Surprised she wasn't around; he immediately questioned Don but was quickly reassured as to where she was.

"Now, El," Don said, sitting on his desk in front of Elliot. "I've been working on the schedule and spoken to OnePP. Now, normally you and Liv wouldn't both be permitted to remain in the squad, so I have done some juggling and this is the best I could do, for now..." he said, handing him a copy of the new roster. "You and Liv will both be part time and on desk duty, you are assigned to the squad, however, Olivia is now doing precinct administration."

"What does that mean?" Elliot asked, looking up.

"It means she can sit at that desk out there and do paperwork, nothing changes except the title," Don explained.

"How long for?" Elliot asked, scanning the sheet once more.

"As long as we need it," he replied.

"I appreciate it, Don, but I'm really looking to come back fulltime," he said, putting the roster back on the desk.

"I know, but..." his voice trailed as he rounded his desk and sat in his chair.

"But what?" Elliot prompted.

"But I think that maybe you should just ease yourself back into it," Don suggested, trying to be tactful about the whole thing.

"But I'm ready now," he protested, standing up.

"I know you are, but I don't think she is," Don said, pointing to the bullpen where Olivia had just reappeared.

"What do you mean?" he asked, watching his wife sit at her desk, her red rimmed eyes the giveaway to her mood; her lunch with Melinda had only reinforced just how much she didn't know.

"She's struggling, El," he said gently, patting his back.

"Struggling with what?" asked Elliot, now more concerned than ever.

"Oh, a lot of things, I suspect," Don said quietly. "She mentioned a few things, but I think that's for her to tell you."

"What can I do for her?" he asked, tears welling.

"Take her home, talk to her, hold her," he replied, opening the door.

As the door opened Olivia lifted her head and was surprised to see her husband exiting.

"Hey, Liv," he said, padding over to her. "I've come to take you home when you're ready."

"I'm ready now," she said standing and hugging her husband, holding onto him for a little longer than he expected. "What were you talking to Don about?"

"Coming back to work," he said, and watched her bite down on her bottom lip. "But only part time," he added quickly. "I realised you were right and I should ease myself back into it." Quickly, she hugged him once more. "You okay?" he whispered and she nodded, she was okay...now.

The following afternoon as Olivia slept; Elliot spent a few hours in the garage sorting out tools, boxes and an assortment of odds and ends. Happily busy and preoccupied with his contribution to the household, he wasn't aware anything was wrong until Dickie came running in.

"When did you get home?" Elliot asked, checking his watch.

"About two minutes ago," he replied before continuing with his original point of coming in. "Dad, have you checked on Liv recently?"

"No, she was still asleep when I went into the house an hour ago, why?" he asked, putting down the hammer.

"She's in the study and I think she's upset because all Lizzie said to me is 'get dad'," he explained and stepped aside as his father rushed past him.

Within a minute, Elliot was standing at the study door and paused to draw a few breaths. Slowly he opened the door and found Olivia sitting at the computer pounding on the keyboard while Lizzie was trying, unsuccessfully, to calm her.

"What's going on?" he asked, resting a hand on Lizzie's shoulder.

"No idea, dad," she replied, "Mom's not saying anything."

"Okay, I've got it from here, honey," he said, kissing his daughter's head.

When Lizzie had departed and closed the door behind her, Elliot went and stood behind Olivia. Checking the screen he found about a dozen dialogue boxes opened and Olivia belting the enter key was not resolving anything.

"Okay, okay," he said gently, wrapping his arms around hers and resting his hands on hers. "Okay, Livia, enough. It's not helping."

"Fucking computer, it's supposed to make life fucking easier not fucking harder," she yelled, fighting against his strength to try and hit the keyboard, but he wouldn't relent.

"Olivia," he said firmly. "Let's just reboot it," he said, reaching out and pressing the button.

Before long the monitor went black and Olivia turned and glared at him.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" she growled. "I was using it!"

"You needed to reset it," he replied gently, not wanting to spark her anger again.

"Don't tell me what I need," she hissed turning back to the computer and starting it once more.

"Well," he said, moving back from her. "If you decide you need me, I'll be right there," he said, pointing to Lizzie's oversized beanbag in the corner of the room.

For a few minutes, Olivia went through the motions of starting the computer before sighing deeply and dropping her hands into her lap. While he had a hundred questions and just wanted to hold her, Elliot knew it had to be on her terms, so he sat quietly and studied her. Before long she stood up and padded across to him.

"I need you," she said, her brown eyes watery, her lip quivering.

"Well, I'm right here," he said, opening his arms and helping her snuggle into him.

"Sorry, El," she whispered, resting her head on his chest.

"What's going on?" he asked quietly as his fingers raked through her hair.

"I know nothing about nothing," she replied as she pressed closer to him.

"What do you mean?" he asked, kissing her head.

"I got to thinking that I'm eight weeks from having this baby and I know nothing about having the baby... I should know more, we should have done the prenatal classes, done the hospital tour, done the... done the...I don't know – see I don't even know what we should have done either," she rambled clutching his tee in her fist.

"Hey, hey," he soothed as he felt her tears splash down. "We still have time to do those things... we can get as much information as you want and need, okay?"

"I'm going to be hopeless," she whispered before sobs wracked her body.

"Oh, baby, baby, no you're not," he replied, kissing her head and pulling her closer. "You are just feeling overwhelmed right now and you're exhausted. You didn't sleep last night, Livia."

"I just...I just..." she started but nothing else came.

"It's okay, Livia, it's okay," he whispered, reaching to the sofa and grabbing a blanket, before laying it across them and over their heads.

"I'm not cold," she muttered.

"I know, Liv. It's to make things darker," he said, "Now close your eyes and just breathe for me."

It only took a few minutes before Olivia was asleep and snoring softly.

Half an hour later, there was a light rap at the door and Elliot pulled the blanket off his head and waited for whichever child to appear.

"Everything alright?" Maureen asked, peeking around the door.

"It will be," Elliot whispered. "You're home early."

"Dickie called, said there was a problem with mom," she said pointing to Olivia. Elliot couldn't help but smile. While there were still a few false starts, the kids all called Olivia mom most of the time. "Is she okay?"

"Just feeling a little overwhelmed and completely exhausted," he replied, gazing down at the lump still under the blanket.

"Anything I can do?" she asked, padding over to close the blinds.

"Yeah," Elliot said, nodding. "My wallet's on the kitchen counter – can you do some shopping for me?"

"Sure, dad, what do you need?" she asked, grabbing a note pad and pen from the desk.

"Can you go to Borders and get every baby book you can find?" he asked and Maureen nodded.

"Yeah," she replied. "Anything else?"

"Um... maybe a couple of gallons of that ice cream Liv loves at the moment and those chocolates she's been eating," Elliot said. "And, ah... I don't know, Mo, anything else you can think of that will make Liv feel a bit better."

For another few hours Elliot lay next to Olivia and held her while she slept, hoping and praying that when she awoke she'd be feeling much better and happier, or at least be able to talk to him about it.

When Olivia did finally wake, she looked up at the loving face of her husband and smiled sleepily.

"Sorry," she said, quietly, before kissing his cheek.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked, raking his fingers through her hair.

"My meltdown earlier. I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed by everything," she admitted, resting her head back on his chest.

"Why didn't you talk to me about it?" he asked, drawing her face up once more.

"Because ... I don't know, El," she said, shaking her head. "I guess I thought I should know it all and that you'd think I should know it too."

"Oh, honey," he said, kissing her forehead. "I wouldn't have thought that. This is all very new for you and I should have realised that."

"But I ..." she began but Elliot leant down and pressed his lips to hers.

"But nothing, Livia," he said, pulling back. "We'll work through all your questions, okay?"

"With what?" she asked. "Not as if the computer helped."

"I have my ways," he said with a wink.

Slowly getting up from the beanbag, Elliot helped his wife climb out and hugged her tight when she did. Opening the door, they were both surprised to find the coffee table covered in a piles of books and DVDs, a seemingly lifetime supply of chocolate and a big bunch of flowers in a vase in the middle of it all with a helium balloon attached which exclaimed 'World's Greatest Mom!'

"What's all this?" asked Olivia, padding over to the Maureen and Lizzie who were on the sofa.

"Got you some books," Lizzie said giving her a quick hug. "They're pretty good – I'm learning heaps."

"Don't learn too much," Elliot warned sternly. "Don't want you going through this for at least another ten years."

"Dad, I'll be 27," Lizzie said with a laugh.

"Make it 15 then," he replied, not wanting to think of his baby girl having her own children just yet.

As Elliot went to get drinks for them all, Olivia settled on the sofa between her stepdaughters and drew a deep breath.

"It's not so bad, mom," Maureen said, handing her the book she was reading. "This one seems to have all the answers you need."

"What answers are they?" she asked, leafing through the pages.

"All of them," she said, tapping the cover. "Look!"

Olivia smiled when she read the title, 'Childbirth for Dummies'.
"Sounds like it's for me," she said, with a smile.

"You're not a dummy, mom," Maureen said, wrapping her arm around Olivia's shoulders. "You've just been a little busy with dad during this pregnancy... we'll get you up to speed."

"Well, we can skip this book," Lizzie said, tossing the book she had back onto the table. "It was all about getting pregnant and sex in pregnancy – we know you know about all about that."

Elliot nearly dropped the tray he was carrying.