Unsuspecting

Chapter Fifty-Two

Alex's POV.

We were back at Embry's house now. After an hour of him just holding me, he decided that we should go back. He wouldn't let me walk back though. And I wasn't even going to argue with it, I was happy to just be back in his arms.

He carried me back into his house and put me down, shutting the door behind him. I looked up at him, unconsciously gulping and licking my lips. He looked down at me, his features showing how confused he was as his eyes flickered between mine, while I stared up at him, my face slightly scrunched up with guilt and worry.

Bringing his hand up slowly, he brushed his thumb against my cheek and then ran his fingers down my neck. I just stared up at him, getting lost in those deep brown eyes, hoping that by the time I leave this house he'll still love me.

"I thought I'd lost you." He whispered as he brought his fingers around to the back of my neck and pulled me sharply against him, wrapping his arm around me. The one he'd had on my neck had moved to the back of my head and his arm covered my shoulder.

My face was squished so tightly up against his bare chest, but I really couldn't care less. I just wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him as tight as he held me.

"I'm sorry, Emb. There was nothing else I could do. She had this thing, like a power like the Cullens have, and I just had to do what she said. I never meant the things I said, you know. I'm glad that you ended up working out what 'melons' was." I said and he kissed my forehead, pressing his lips against my skin and leaving them there until he finally needed to pull back for breath.

"Don't worry about it." He said and we continued to stare at each other for a while. "What's the matter?" He whispered as he bent down, taking my face in his big, masculine hands.

I just shook my head and closed my eyes as he started stroking my face lightly with his thumbs.

He kissed my lips softly before wrapping his arm around me. "Come on." He said and we made our way up to his room.

He shut the door behind us and sat down on the bed, while I stood hopelessly in the middle of his room. He sighed and held his hand out, I shuffled forward and laced my fingers through his outstretched ones and he pulled me closer.

"Umpf." I squeaked as I nearly toppled over he leg, but he caught me. I put my hands on his shoulders as he started running his hands up and down my thighs, bum and hips.

"Is it 'cause I wasn't there?" He asked and I frowned at him.

"Is what because you weren't where?" I asked, my head tilting to the side a little bit.

"Are you mad at me because I-," He started saying and I shook my head violently.

"I'm not mad at you, Embry." I stated, confused still. "I'm not mad at you at all. You saved mine, and our child's lives."

He shook his head, but he breathed a breath of relief and then kissed my stomach lightly. "I was so scared." He whispered as he lent his forehead against my stomach.

I ran my hands through his short hair. "Me too." He pulled me closer, and we just stayed like that for a while before I finally spoke again. "We need to talk."

He lent his head back and looked up at me. "This feels like you're breaking up with me." He said, a playful smile on his lips and I laughed, albeit it sounding a little nervous. The smile fell from his handsome face. "You're not, right?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head and he smiled. "Good."

I lent down and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. "You said we should talk later, and now's later, yeah?" I said and he nodded.

"Why are you so nervous?" He asked, rubbing my back. I hadn't even realised my hands were shaking.

"Because I love you." I said and he frowned as I pulled back. 'and I don't want to lose you'. But I didn't say that outloud. I took a deep breath. "Okay, so, start asking questions."

He frowned even more as he tried to pull me closer. "If you don't want to talk then we don't have to…"

I shook my head. "Stop it, Emb. I can't keep doing this to you. Stop thinking about me, you deserve to know."

"Now I just feel guilty." He grumbled and I rolled my eyes.

"Okay, okay. Now, first question…?"

He groaned and ran his hands over his face.

"How many people have you had sex with?" He said, wincing as he spoke. I tried to stifle my groan, but failed.

"Before you?" I said and he nodded, I gulped. "Twenty five, roughly."

He groaned and growled lightly as he fell back on his bed, turning to bury his face in his pillow.

"How old were you? When you lost your virginity?" he asked as he tried to control his shaking.

I started pacing his room. Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shitty, shit, shit.

"Sure you want to know?" I asked and he just made this grunting sound. "It was on my thirteenth birthday."

"Thirteen!?" He growled, his head snapping up to look at me. I winced. He let out a loud, frustrated groan and punched his pillow, then proceeded to scrunch the covers up in his fist as he pushed his face back into the pillow, biting down on it to refrain from growling again.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled while he tried to stop his trembling.

"Who was it?" He asked, well, he growled that out too.

"His name was Francis." I said and he shook a little more. "It was, as I said, my birthday. I went for a walk, ran into him and his group, they were already off their heads and they took me to this party they were going to. I met my old gang there." I said and bit my lip, running my hand through my hair. "It didn't mean anything, Embry. I barely even remember it, I drank so much. I just wanted to get out of my mind." I trailed off as I stopped at his window, looking up at the shy. "It had been five years, and yet the picture of her was as clear as day. I just wanted it gone. I just took anything that would take my mind off of it."

"Alex." He groaned and I snapped back to reality.

"Sorry, next question."

He let out a long sigh. "Why and when did you join that gang?"

I kept looking out up at the sky while I spoke. "I told you, I needed a distraction. About half a year after that time I met the gang, then introduced me into cannabis. It would just – take me away." I whispered the last part, then shook my head to dissolve the thoughts. "Then, a couple of months after I turned fourteen, I joined them."

"Who's - the best you've - ever had ?" He stuttered out, and I could physically feel the pain it caused him to say that.

I snapped my head back to him, confused. "What?" I stepped forward, dropping to my knees on the floor by his bed. "Why would you even ask that? You think it would ever be anyone apart from you?"

He turned his head to me, he still looked so angry, but now he looked sad and there was an air of… uncertainty. I hated that I made this of him. Embry shouldn't be so uncertain about anything.

I ran my hand up his arm. "You feel that, right? Like I do – you feel it?" He nodded slightly. "It's not like that with anyone else, Embry. Sex with you…" I shook my head. "Looking back, it barley even feels like what I did with them was sex. It's so unbelievably different than with you." I frowned, trying to explain it. "It's like – you're the first person I 'made love' to, I just had sex with them. It's such an emotional thing with you as well, with the others, it was just sex, totally physical and I felt nothing."

He just stared at me, his expression unreadable. "Nobody makes me feel like you do, Embry. So, yeah, you're the best." I said and he smirked a little.

He shuffled backwards a bit, "Come up here, please."

I frowned as I stood up, backing away slightly. "What?" He frowned as well and held his arm out for me. I blinked. "You still want to touch me?" I asked and he frowned harder. "But, now you know. You know how much that I'm… dirty."

"What?" He asked as he moved forward, propping himself up on his elbows.

"I'm a slut, Embry. I know it. I'm a slut, a whore, a skank, an easy little tramp." I said backing away. He sprang up, putting his hands on my arms.

"You're not, Alex. Don't saythat!" He growled, his voice a little hysterical.

I shook my head as I pulled away. "I am, Embry. You don't understand. I know I am, because that's how I was." He shook his head again and I tried to pull away. "You don't get it! I wanted to be like that, at the time. It was my aim to be a slut!"

He frowned. "What?" He whispered.

"I wanted it. I was an alcohol and drug addicted bitchy slut. But at least it got my head off of what happened, so I was glad. And… I wanted it so that if my mother was looking down from heaven, she could see the failure that I truly am." He shook his head but I carried on speaking, ignoring him. "I wanted my mother to regret saving my life as much as I did. Because then, her seeing everything that I'd done, she'd start to hate me like I deserved to be hated. Because she was so lovely, Embry. She was the nicest person you'd ever meet, she was so special. She wouldn't ever blame me for killing her. So, if she looked down and saw what she sacrificed herself for, what I'd become, then she'd regret it, too. I wanted her to hate that I was such a slut, had such low morals, took drugs and drank a lot of alcohol, because I needed to have her hate me as much as I deserved, she wasn't meant to die, Embry. I was meant to die! I wanted her to realise that, I wanted her to wish she'd let me die as much as I wished, because she was so nice that she wouldn't ever think that, even though I was such a mistake. Lovely people like her shouldn't die. They shouldn't die and leave behind all the people that need them. Nobody needed me, it wasn't a justified sacrifice. So many people were upset… and what did they get as a consolation? Me. I knew they all wished I'd died on that train instead, there was no point pretending that I could ever be any good, when those that I loved resented me. I was better ruining everything so that even my mother could hate me. I wanted her to feel guilty for saving me and hurting everyone else. Nobody else deserved that pain. I wanted her to get angry when she saw what she had given it all up for, something that wasn't worth it. I wanted that to make her feel guilty. "

I felt a tear prickling against my eyelashes. I wasn't that shocked, it took all the life out of me to say that.

I looked up at Embry, who was staring down at me in pain, shock and horror.

"Are you happy now!?" I screamed at him. "Can you see what a fuck up I am, now? Can you see why I have such trouble with things? Do you know why I never wanted to tell you any of this, now? I never wanted you in my head! I didn't want you knowing how fucked up it is in here." I pointed to my head, a tear spilling over my eyelid. "Because now you know, Embry! Go on, leave me. That's what happens. You find out what a nut-job I am, work out that I'm not worth it all, and leave me. I'm broken, Embry! It's not worth the pain I cause around me. Leave me! Do it, Embry; leave me forever!"

Embry pushed me up against his wall. "Shut up! Shut up!" He screamed, his face scrunched up in pain as he gripped my t-shirt. "Do you know what it's like, listening to the love of your life saying all that stuff? Saying that she'd rather be dead than stay with you? Do you know how that makes me feel? Knowing that no matter what I do, no matter how much I love you, I'll never be enough for you? Knowing that having me in your life, having me love you so much, it still doesn't mean anything; that you don't care? I'd give you anything- everything! And it would never be enough for you!" His own eyes were filled with tears and I breathed heavily, taking in every single thing he said. "How can you stand there and tell me that you don't deserve to live? -That nobody needed you? -That you weren't good enough? -That nobody loved you? How could you say that? You know how much you mean to me! You're e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g to me! I love you so much, you're the only person I'd ever need. And I do need you! I need you to fucking breathe, Alex! Hearing you saying that, it's killing me! To me, you're the only person on this fucking planet who even deserves to live! Why can't you believe that? Why can't you trust me?"

His words hurt, knowing that I was causing him so much pain, but I just couldn't stop talking. It's like there was no stopping all of the stuff that was flowing out of my mouth. I broke down the walls I kept my head surrounded with and there was no rebuilding them now. The thoughts and words just wouldn't stay up in my head by themselves.

"But that's it! Don't you see? Cant you see it now? I can't trust people! You saw what happened with Riley! I barely even trusted him, and yet he still hurt me! He still found a way to hurt me! That's what everyone does, Embry! Everyone! You, Mum, Dad, Laura, Tony, Effie, Josh, Theo, Zara, Riley, Kim, Doug, Linda, Courtney, Marco, Harry, Louise…" He frowned at the unknown names as he leaned in, pushing his body against me – not that tightly though, because of my stomach. "Whenever I attempt to act normal it just gets thrown back in my face. I know I'm selfish, Embry. But I just can't take that one more time."

He pulled me against his chest. "I know, my love. You've been hurt a lot, but I'm not going to hurt you again." He whispered. "I'm not going to leave you, either. You could sleep with a different guy every single day, and I still couldn't leave you. Of course, I'd rather you didn't do that, if I'm honest." I snorted and moved my face to the side so I could breathe and closed my eyes, listening to his heartbeat. "Plus, I'd probably have to kill any guy that you slept with." He mumbled the last bit.

"Like any of the other guys here would do that. Everyone around here and Forks is all sweet and clean."

"What?"

"Well, the only reason a guy slept with me was because I was usually high or pissed. There's only about a handful of guys here who would be desperate enough for that. It was different than the places I used to go to." I said and he started shaking violently.

"Those guys – they took advantage of you?" He growled out, his shaking not lessening any.

"Whoa, Emb. Calm down. It wasn't really taking advantage, I told you about that." I said, instinctively placing my hand on my stomach. It was an action Embry hadn't missed and he instantly stopped trembling, his face consumed with guilt and pain.

"I'm sorry- I didn't mean to- you shouldn't be scared I- I'd never hurt you, I promise." he stumbled over his words and I just waved him off. "Do you regret it?"

I frowned. "The drugs?" I asked and he shrugged.

"All of it. The sex, drugs and alcohol." He said.

"Of course I regret having sex with all of them, Embry. How could I not be? You're the only man who it feels right with. If I'd have known at the time... I'd definitely have waited. But I just didn't know, Embry. I never thought my life was going to take an uphill turn. The idea of finding someone who wanted me like that - it seemed the most absurd thing back then. This," I said, motioning the both of us. "Just isn't what happens to people like me. It happens to nice, sweet, beautiful girls. Not misfits like me. You have to understand that. Back then, I was infertile and unlovable, there didn't seem to be a reason why I should wait for anyone other than a drunk guy at a party."

He nodded. "I understand, Alex. I do, now. I'm glad that we've talked about this." He said and I nodded, staring up at the sky.

"Sometimes I think there was a reason that I didn't use to be able to reproduce. Because it stopped when I met you. The imprint meant I was supposed to carry your child. That's not just a coincidence, right? I think that I was infertile was because I was such a slut, and I wasn't meant to bare anyoneelses child, apart from yours."

We stood in silence for quite a while. Embry just held me as I stared off into the distance.

"What happened with Courtney?" he finally asked, snapping me out of my faze, and I groaned as I wrapped my arms back around him.

"Our parents knew each other before we were born. We sort of grew up together. We used to be like… best friends." I said, closing my eyes. "She said she needed. I had to make her to stop needing me, Embry. If she needs me, I'll just end up hurting her over and over again. She was lucky to have gotten out. You, you're stuck with me. I can't have people relying on me, it makes me feel sick and pressured, like something's actually putting pressure on my heart and lungs, and I know, I just know that I'd hurt her, worse than I have. It's inevitable. I hurt everyone around me when they rely on me."

"What did you do? – to make her stop needing you?" he asked and I sighed.

"I just wasn't there for her when she needed me. And I knew that she needed me. She knew that I chose not to be there for her." I said, regretfully. "Then, her mother started dating my father."

"Ah." Embry lent his head down against the top of mine.

"Her mum hates me. Proper, proper hates me. Though, I wasn't exactly that great to her when she first started seeing him. But she was trying to act like she was our mother. You can't just mosey on in on another family. You know?" I said and Embry nodded against my head as he adjusted his arms around me.

"I was so mean to Courtney, though. She…" I shuddered and tried to get my mind of it. "I'm a bitch."

"Hey," He moaned and gave a squeeze. "Stop doing that."

I frowned. "Doing what?"

"Putting yourself down. I've had enough of it. You're not going to do it anymore." He said and I laughed.

"Oh really?"

"Yup, I've decided. You're going to start appreciating yourself for how you truly are." He said and I rolled my eyes. "Everyone on this earth is equal, Alex." He said as he pulled back to lift my chin us so I'd look him in the eyes. He kissed me softly. "Apart from you, you're a little bit more special."

I rolled my eyes and pushed him. He just grinned as he put his hands on either side of my face. "I love you." He said. I put my hands on his forearms as his hands found there way into my hair.

"No matter what?" I asked him and he smiled brightly, his teeth showing.

"No matter what." He confirmed and pulled me closer, pulling me into a soft and caring kiss.


I walked down the beach, up to the cliff and climbed up to that small alcove I found all those months ago, when Embry first told me about imprinting. And when I fist properly hurt him.

Sitting there for hours, I just thought. The new mobile that Embry bought me went off, I just texted them back saying I'd speak to them later, and I was busy. It was mostly just Embry but Effie and Leah text aswell.

It started to get dark and I finally saw the stars. I looked up at the biggest, brightest star. Having dismissed the sun, obviously.

Wherever I was in the world, it always seemed to be there. It reminded me of my mother. It was like it was her up there, looking down at me. Because she was always so bright, and special.

"Are you really up there, Mum?" I spoke aloud, my voice getting caught in my throat so I had to cough. "Are you watching down on me? Are you ashamed of everything I've done? Do you hate me? Did you regret sacrificing yourself long before I did anything, anyway? Or have I just hurt you, knowing that your own daughter would turn out so badly? Because, I'm sorry, Mum." I felt my eyes well with tears, but I didn't mind. I was alone. "You always believed in heaven and god and all of that. Where you right? Are you up there? After you died, I never believed in God. Because if there really was a man up there, with all mighty powers, why did he let you die? Why didn't he prevent it? Because if there was a God, why would he sit back while he let the destruction happen all around us?

"I went through a stage, when I believed in god. It was about a year after you died. I believed that he made this world, his children and he cared for them. But then we, as humans, got power crazy. We fought for land, race, power and religion. We kept developing things, to advantage ourselves, things that could cause harms to others. Guns, knives, bombs, nuclear weapons, trains, planes, cars. And there was what we did to each other; all the rapes, terrorist attacks, murders, abuse, kidnapping. Would it become to much for him to watch over?

"Did it become to much when all of his children started fighting and hurting each other? Did he get stricken with pain? That his children were hurting each other, or just simply hurting? I mean, with world war two, six billion Jews were killed, simply for their religion. And countless other lives were taken also. Was he guilty? Knowing that he'd created something that was able to cause that much devestation. Surely, that would hurt, knowing that all you created were fighting each other?

"And when people fought for their religion, they were fighting because of the unknown. And then God knew everything, he was what they were fighting about, and yet he could do nothing? So then, he just gave up. He couldn't take trying to stop everyone from hurting, he just gave up. Like an experiment gone wrong, and abandoned. So now, innocent and special people like you get killed wrongly? Because if this was a fair and justified world, mum, you'd be standing here alive. Healthy and happy. But you're not.

"As much as I tried to make it so, mum, I don't really want you to hate me. I want you to love me. I want to be the daughter you wanted to raise. I turned out so different to how you imagined, I bet. I just... I wish I could see you. I wish I could speak to you, at least just the once. Or just hold you. Just one hug? But as much as I hope, it will never happen. I prayed, and wished, and dreamed every night that I could be given one little chance, but it never happened, and it never will. Was it too much to ask? Just one moment? Just to know that you don't blame me? That you don't think it was a waste? Because you're my mother, I never wanted to disappoint you. I was just so selfish, I just couldn't get to grips with life like normal people do. I mean, hell, there are people who have been through so much worse than me, but they didn't turn to drugs or alcohol. That's why I feel I failed you. I just wasn't cut out for this life. I couldn't deal with the harsh reality of what happens. As much as I tried to fake it - I just couldn't force myself to be strong enough for this world.

"So I had to abandon my hope for god, because he abandoned us. He abandoned me, when all I wanted was to talk to you, to know that you were okay now. Maybe that's why I get put through so much shit. Maybe he's trying to hurt me for giving up on him, for questioning his reality. But... I'll never know. I'll never get the chance to find out the answers to my questions. I'll never be able to tell you that I'm sorry." I could feel the tears pouring freely down my face as I stood. "I'm sorry that I seem so ungratefull for what you did. I'm sorry for everything. I love you so much, mum. When I was young, I never thought that I'd have to grow up without you. I just expected you to always be there. That I would grow up like every other family, having my parents throughout everything. It's hard, when all I want to do is talk to you. I used to come to you for everything. When I was pregnant, after Embry, you were the one person I wanted to tell. I wanted to be able to talk to you about it all. I wanted to know what you went through when you were first pregnant. What worries went through your mind. Because that's what people do, don't they? They go to their mothers. It's so hard, trying to get through everything without you." I tried to speak through the loud sobs.

"I'm sorry about dad, too. I know it must hurt you so see him in so much pain. I tried to let him be happy, I tried letting him having Courtney's mother. But she just tried to fill your shoes. And I just couldn't do that. He deseves someone specialer than her. He deserves you."

I wiped my face, even though I knew it was no good. "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you much. It never felt right, when I wasn't by your grave. I just wanted to tell you, that I'm sorry. And I love you. I love you so much, even if you hate what I've become. I just want to know that you know that."

I stared up at the sky. I stood there for an hour. You know in films, something really amazing like a shooting star would go past, right? Yeah, well, this is reality. There was no shooting star. There was nothing. There was no sign that she was even up there, let alone listening and understanding and accepting what I said.

"I love you, mum. Even if you never will know how much." I whispered. "Happy birthday."


Arg, did you like it? Pretty damn sad, I reckon.

Sorry about the last part about God. Apologies if it offended anyone religious. I sort of just went off on one.

Song Of The Chapter!

All That I've Got by The Used

You might not like it, but it means a lot to me. It's weird that a song personally means so much to me. It helped me get through a lot when I was going through a bad stage, though. Yeah, so I love this song, give it a listen. I thought it would go well with the depth of Alex's chat to her mother.

Thank you all!

PS; Sorry if you got two things coming through about this chapter, I COMPLETLEY forgot to write the 'happy birthday' at the end, which was the whole point of the chat.