I've always hated camping and yet tonight, I don't mind it as much as I normally would. By this time tomorrow the war would be over and Negan and I would be far, far away from everything.

At least, that's what I hope. There is no telling what he'll do. I'm probably kidding myself if I think he'll leave the Sanctuary. But I have to try. For him. For Rick. For me. For...

The night is cold and I didn't bring a fucking jacket. Didn't realize I needed one. Can't start a fire, otherwise the Saviors will see. Can't go to Hilltop because that'll ruin...things.

From my perch in the tree I can see the Saviors camped out along the treeline opposite me. It's getting dark so I can't exactly distinguish one from another. But I'm not dumb enough to just walk into camp. I have to wait until the right moment.

Before we left I made Carson take me to the weapons station. I killed the guy guarding the weapons. Just one more life I've ended. But I needed my Sig and my bow. I couldn't go without them. I think even Eugene was horrified.

I keep losing my thoughts. They slip away like bubbles. I'll start thinking about Negan or Rick and then it slips away. I could tell Eugene thought I was crazy. Maybe I am. I don't feel like I used to. I can't explain it. It's hard to focus on any one thing. Sometimes I stop and stare, trying to gather my thoughts together. It's gotten progressively worse since my last night with Negan. But I can't think like that.

Some days I think I'll wake up in my house, in my bed, at Quantico with all of this a crazy nightmare. But then, there would be no Negan, no Rick, no Carl, no Judith, no...

Now that I have some direction I feel more myself. I'm still not the same girl I used to be before I set foot in the Sanctuary. Though I feel like I'm regaining some footing, some sanity now that I have a plan. I've always had a thing for plans. I always like being prepared and dreaming. I don't think I've ever lived fully in the real world. I've always had my foot in dreamland.

Sometimes I think Negan is just another dream floating around in my head. Maybe I'll wake up back at the prison and Herschel and Beth will be there. Or Atlanta and I would see Shane again. Shane whose hat I left in that run down meth lab. Maybe I'll wake up in another reality where William loved me, truly loved me and not the horrible kind. I thought he loved me, but I didn't know love then. I...

I don't have much in the way of supplies. A days worth. Maybe less.

Negan wants this war to be over. He wants as little casualties as possible. At some point he has to call a truce. Not that Alexandria or Hilltop or The Kingdom would back down at this point. But if I know him as well as I think I do, that'll be my moment to act.

I've been repeating, repeating, repeating that in my head so I don't forget it. But I don't think I will. I don't think the fear will let me forget. I'm so afraid he's going to die. That Rick is going to die. I wish I could say I am scared of death, but at this point, I no longer know how I feel. Maybe in the moment it'll be different. Right now I need to complete my mission without being distracted.

And so many people who want Negan dead. Dwight, Rick, Daryl, Eugene, everyone from the Hilltop and everyone from Alexandria. And I suppose the Kingdom as well. I don't want him dead. How am I going to do this?

I don't even know what it is I'm going to do. This war has to be stopped, yes. I can't take losing another person I love. I can't even think about Sasha and Abraham and Morgan without my thoughts coming all jumbled. And Glenn. Every time I think about Glenn I can't breathe. It's like there is a band around my chest. So I don't think about Glenn. Or Sasha. Or Abraham. Or Morgan. All I can think about is Negan. Negan can't die. I won't let him die. I'd rather die. I won't let him go. Not when I have a breath left in my body.