Chapter 19: Memories

The next morning when I woke up I felt gross, but I also registered that something was wrong. Something had changed from last night. There was something different from when I had fallen asleep last night. It was something that was oddly felt familiar yet it was just wrong.

Someone was snoring beside me in bed.

My heart almost leapt out of my chest. Was Paul here? Had he forgiven me? Had I just dreamed it all?

I looked at the figure beside me and felt my heart sink. It was Jared, not Paul.

My eyes narrowed and anger coursed through me. Why the hell was he here with me? I roughly shoved his shoulder and he woke up right away. He looked disoriented and rubbed at his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded.

He blinked a few times as if trying to clear his head, then said, "Last night, on the phone, when I called you, you basically asked me to come to you and I could feel that you were distressed. When I got here, you were tossing and turning. You woke up briefly–I doubt you even remember that–and you saw me here. I was just going to sit in the corner and make sure you were okay but you asked me to hold you." I cocked an eyebrow at him and he hurried on. "Nothing happened, I promise."

"Well…thank you," I grumbled. I wasn't going to hide the fact that I wasn't happy about this. I didn't even remember talking to Jared on the phone last night. I did, however, remember the half conversation between Paul and I…and it made my chest hurt.

I slipped out of bed and started getting ready for school, trying to avoid Jared as well as I could and he seemed to be trying to avoid me as well. He knew that he shouldn't be here. That had been the whole point of me leaving La Push and coming here. As if it couldn't get any more awkward between us, we left the house at the exact same time, and I had to explain to him that I didn't have enough time to drive him back to La Push because I was already late for class. He nodded stiffly and took a shortcut through the woods.

I pressed my forehead against the steering wheel and exhaled deeply. Why had I even hinted at wanting him to come here last night? I shook my head at myself and drove to school. I was super late and Coach Clapp scowled at me but didn't make me change into my gym clothes and let me sit out the class. The day went by too slowly for my liking. It felt like it would never end. I didn't allow myself to think about Paul at all. I concentrated on what my teachers were saying and copied every single note down word-for-word to distract myself.

At lunch I noticed Bella. She was sitting at our table, but she had distanced herself from everyone else. She had a tray of food in front of her, but she hadn't touched it and she was just staring out the window, watching the rain fall. Everyone else at our table seemed to be doing a pretty good job of ignoring her, but I couldn't just pretend she wasn't there.

"Bella?" I asked softly. She very slowly turned her face to mine and met my eyes. She looked empty. It was as if she had shut off all emotion. She was completely closed off to me–and everyone else. This was almost worse than when I had gone to visit her and she had barely even acknowledged me. "Are you okay?"

She nodded slowly, and then turned her attention back to the window. I hoped Bella would bounce back soon. It was hard to see her like that.

It took four months for her to bounce back.

In those four months, I actually got over Paul. It was hard because he'd call every day to make sure I was okay, but I could now speak with him on the phone without getting too upset about it. It didn't bother me as much that I was away from him anymore.

But, of course some things still upset me. It was January and it was absolutely freezing and I didn't have my space heater.

Also in those four months, my mom hadn't harassed me anymore. There had been absolutely no sign of her at all. I knew that didn't necessarily mean that she had left Forks, but after the first month of nothing from her it was nice to reset easy. I found routine in my life. Sleep, school, work, repeat.

At school one day, after Bella had bounced back, Jessica approached me at my locker.

"Hey Mel!" she said perkily. "Do you want to go to a movie tonight with Bella and me in Port Angeles?"

"I'm really not in the mood for a movie, Jess," I said, slamming my locker shut.

"Mel, I know you don't have to work tonight," she said, then added in a hushed voice, "And I really don't want to be alone with Bella."

I sighed. It wasn't just that I didn't want to go to the movie, I was nervous about who I might see there. I knew it was completely irrational of me, but I couldn't help it. It was as if the prospect of actually seeing him made my stomach flip nervously and it brought back a whole lot of feelings that I didn't want to deal with.

"Fine, I'll go," I said and she smiled widely at me.

That night we saw a horror movie with some crappy love story in it. I noticed that every time the happy couple was on screen, Bella would bolt from the theatre. I barely paid attention to the movie itself; I kept looking around the movie theatre. It was as if it was a nervous habit and every few minutes I couldn't stop myself from looking around for him.

When the movie was over we decided to get something to eat at a fast food place in Port Angeles near where we had parked the car. As we were walking towards the restaurant, I happened to look over my shoulder and I froze. Paul and the guys were walking about twenty feet behind us. Jess had already started walking away, not noticing that I had stopped, but Bella told her to wait.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. He hadn't even noticed me yet. Seeing him brought back a whole slew of emotions that almost knocked me off my feet. It was as if we had just gotten into some huge fight a couple days ago, rather than four months ago.

"Mel?" Bella asked quietly. As soon as she said my name, Paul stopped walking and his eyes snapped up to meet mine. We stared at each other for a few moments. I could feel myself coming apart at the seams and I did everything I could to stop myself from going to him and talking to him. Neither of us said anything and it was as if the other people who were with us weren't even there.

Until Jessica snapped me out of it.

"Mel, you coming?"

"Yeah," I said, tearing my eyes away from him and turning back to Jess and Bella. "Let's go get something to eat."

We continued walking until we got to an intersection and Bella stopped. Her eyes were fixated on some guys laughing and smoking outside a bar. Something about them was unsettling to me. They were giving me seriously bad vibes.

"Bella?" I asked.

"I…I think I know those guys," she muttered. She started walking towards them but then stopped after she had taken just a few steps. They had noticed her and had started making cat calls. She stopped and then turned back to us. "Sorry, never mind, let's go."

Jessica shot me a look that said Hello psycho! But I ignored her and just kept walking. We went into a little fast food place and we got our food. As we were sitting down I saw the guys walk in and go up to the counter to order their food. Of course.

I kept looking at them, and every so often Paul would glance back at me and I would drop my gaze immediately. I had to stop doing this.

"Mel, who are those guys?" Jessica finally demanded as they sat down at a table far away from us.

"They live in La Push," I mumbled, feigning interest in the French fries in front of me.

"Isn't one of them your boyfriend?" she asked.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Paul's head twitch slightly in my direction, but I didn't say anything. I just gave Jess a look before looking away from her. Surprisingly, Jess dropped it. Normally she was hungry for gossip, but this time she didn't pry.

"You said they live in La Push?" Bella asked.

"Yeah," I said, nodding and pushing fries around in front of me, appetite lost.

"Do they know Jacob Black?"

"Yeah, they do," I said. I left out that I knew Jacob Black and that I had even helped him with his homework a few times. Bella nodded and turned her attention back to her food.

"Can I talk to you?" Asked a voice behind me.

I turned to see Paul standing behind me and I felt myself crumble. "Okay."

I stood up and allowed him to lead me just outside the door of the restaurant. I glanced back inside to see Jessica staring at me, wide-eyed without shame. I was glad that Paul had led me outside so she wouldn't be able to eavesdrop on our conversation.

I looked up into his eyes and neither of us said anything for a bit, until I couldn't take it any longer. "How are you?"

"I'm okay, you?"

"I've been better," I said.

"Are you taking care of yourself?" he asked. There was a serious edge to his voice and there was a hardness in his eyes that I didn't like.

"Yes, I'm taking care of myself," I said. I knew I sounded harsher than I wanted, but for some reason his question made me angry.

"You've lost weight," he said, anger lacing his tone. "Don't think I wouldn't notice. Tell me you've been eating normally and taking care of yourself, Mel."

"You think that breaking up with you made me want to starve myself?" I demanded.

He exhaled deeply. "I didn't want to argue with you. I just…I need to know that you're okay."

"Why?" I asked. "You call me every day to find out if I'm okay."

"That's not the same as seeing you like this," he hissed. "You barely ate when you were with your friends back there. What's going on with you? Are you sure you're okay?"

"It doesn't matter anymore, does it?" I asked. "I can't come back to you, so what does it matter? You don't care about me anymore because I fucked everything up again."

He ran a hand through his hair and I could tell he was trying to hold in his temper. "Sam doesn't want you to come back."

"I had assumed that."

"That night–the night you left–you asked Jared to go see you," he said. His jaw was tight and he was speaking as though it pained him to say the words.

I felt my face heat. "Yeah…I did."

"Why?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I don't even remember asking him or talking to him on the phone. Nothing happened."

That seemed to make him relax a bit. "Where are you staying?"

"I'm pretty sure you already know," I snapped. He flinched ever so slightly against my tone. I knew I had hurt him, but I was trying to mask my own pain. And his words were making me angry. I felt tears burn behind my eyes but I didn't let it show. I would not break down in front of him. Not here. Not after four months of getting over him. I would not allow him to see how much he was hurting me.

"Mel?" Jess asked, poking her head out of the restaurant. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah, let's go." I tried to push past Paul but he held onto my arm.

"Can you guys just give us another minute?" he asked.

Jess looked up at him with wide eyes as if she was afraid of him. "Yeah…we'll just wait in my car."

Paul waited until they were in the car to continue talking. "Don't ever say that I don't care about you, Mel, because I do, and you know that. But you also understand that I can't just let you come back because it isn't up to me. I understand you made a mistake, but it's not in my hands to let you come back."

"Let go of me," I whispered.

He gave me a long look before letting go of my arm. I pushed past him and walked to Jess's car and got in the backseat. The drive home was quiet. Jess drove to Bella's house where I had parked my car, and I mumbled my goodbyes to them. I drove back to the Cullens' house, trying not to think about what had happened.

I only allowed myself to think about it when I was curled in a little ball on my bed. So, Paul still cared about me. Obviously I knew that; it was the imprint talking. He was forced to care about me, even though I was the absolute worst imprint in history.

For the first time in three months, I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I woke up with a dull ache in my head. I was glad I didn't have school, but I had to work. I was not looking forward to that at all. I had a bad feeling that there'd be an ugly scene awaiting me when I got there.

As I pulled into my usual parking spot I was mildly surprised that none of the guys were waiting outside for me. I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe I'd get off easy today.

My shift went pretty quickly, but about fifteen minutes before my break I noticed Sam was walking around. I ground my teeth together. Why had he come here? He was obviously waiting for me to go on break because he never wandered too far from my register.

When it was time for my break, I snuck outside and sat behind the store, hoping Sam wouldn't find me. But, I was having no luck whatsoever and about five minutes into my break he came strolling around the corner of the building.

"You hurt him last night," Sam said.

I leaned back against the wall of the building and crossed my arms tightly across my chest. "Yeah, what else is new?"

"What you said about him not caring, that's what hit him hardest," he continued as if I hadn't said anything."

"Then let me come back."

"No."

"Why?"

"You pulled my pack apart," he said simply. "They hated each other because of you. It's only starting to get better now, but they're still tense around each other."

Anger burned through my veins. "Thanks so much for kicking me when I'm down, Sam. Do you really think that I enjoy the fact that two guys are imprinted on me?" He didn't say anything, so I went on. "I hate it. I hate the feeling that I'm tearing them apart, and I do not do that on purpose. I tried to make it work, I really did, but obviously I can't. Obviously I'm too damn stupid to keep the peace." Sam obviously wasn't sure what to say, it was like he hadn't anticipated my outburst like this, so I barrelled on. "You said I was part of the pack before, so that means I have to obey alpha's orders, which is exactly what I'm doing. You told me to leave, and I did. Last night he approached me, so maybe you should get mad at him for what happened instead of me. I have to get back to work." I pushed past him and went back to my register.

The rest of my shift passed excruciatingly slow. Sam had left right after our conversation so I had nothing to distract myself with. I tried not to let myself think about what had happened, but I couldn't help it and it just made me angry again.

When my shift was finally over, I went outside to see Paul leaning against the driver's door of my car. I crossed my arms and waited.

"Mel." Was all he said as he raised his eyes to meet mine.

"Can you move? I kinda wanna get home."

"Can we at least talk?"

"No," I said. "I've tried for four months to talk to you, but every time you've hung up on me and pushed me away again. If you want me back, tell me now, otherwise get out of my way."

"I miss you," he said quietly. I kept my guard up and ignored the tears stinging behind my eyes. I would not break down in front of him. "Sam isn't going to let you come back, but I know that you know you made a mistake and you're sorry for it. I want you to come back, I really do, but you can't." I didn't break eye contact with him and I knew he was waiting for me to say something, but I didn't. I just kept looking at him with my arms crossed over my chest. "Mel, please say something."

"Can you move?" I hated how my voice shook. "I want to go home."

He took a deep breath and then moved out of my way. As I passed him my shoulder briefly touched his arm and I could tell he had almost wanted to pull me back to him, just from the way his body had shifted slightly, but he didn't. I got into my car and drove away without looking back at him.

Once I got back to the Cullen house, I broke down and cried. I curled into a ball on my bed and just let it all out. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. There was nowhere for me anymore, so I needed to just start fresh.

I reached into my nightstand and pulled the syringe out. I held my left arm out in front of me and held the syringe above a vein. My hand was shaking, and I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves and brace myself for the pain. My phone rang, making me jump, but I ignored it and closed my eyes.

Whoever was calling was persistent. I ground my teeth together and put the syringe down and picked up my phone.

"What?" I choked out.

"You need to learn to answer your phone." It was Jared.

"What do you want?" I practically growled.

"Something's happened to Paul," Jared said.

"What?" I asked sharply, feeling my stomach drop.

"There was an accident," he said. "He was trying to get Sam to let you come back and he got mad. Sam hurt him trying to restrain him."

"Oh my God, is he okay?" I asked, furiously wiping at my face and getting off my bed.

"He's unconscious."

"Where is he?"

"We got him into the apartment," he said.

"I'll be there soon." I hung up on Jared and rushed out to my car. I needed to get there ASAP. He could not be hurt. I wiped at my eyes again, annoyed that there were still tears in them.

I pulled into the apartment parking lot and practically ran to the apartment. I burst through the door and saw Jared and Sam standing in the living room, but I focused only on Paul. He was lying on the couch with his eyes closed. He didn't exactly look beat up, but I could see a few bruises on his arms and chest. I went straight for him and kneeled on the floor in front of the couch, grasping his hand. I could hear Sam and Jared talking, but I ignored them.

I knew where I belonged now.

Right here, with my hand in Paul's.