Fifty Shades of Post-Partum

To my readers: If you want this story to continue longer, you will need to be patient between updates. As one reviewer has observed, it doesn't help the story to scrimp on description just to post it sooner. With the end in sight, it will take some creativity to keeping moving forward with more chapters in between. I don't have any ideas for another story after this one, but if someone wants to suggest something, I will consider it.

Chapter 48: Home Again

I am so happy that Ana is finally coming home today. After her big breakthrough on Monday, she spent an extra day in the hospital to be sure that she was really better, but she made it through smoothly. Last night, she decided that she would return here today sometime after lunch. Needless to say the entire family excited. Phoebe, of course, doesn't understand a bit of it, but she is cooing and smiling to indicate her pleasure with the situation. The whole atmosphere in the house has changed.

I feel very honored that Ana had chosen me as one of the few people in whom she confides her tragic story. Charlotte and Christian are natural choices, but me? I'm just the mother-in-law. I have always felt more strongly about Ana than the average mother-in-law I'm sure, but I had no idea that she felt so strongly about me.

I know that I was one of the first to know about her plunge into the Sound and to be called in to help with her in the hospital. But that was at Christian's initiative, and not even really for her. He was stunned beyond words, disbelieving what had really happened. And she, quite naturally, denied it. But I spent the night with her. And whenever Christian couldn't be with her, I was.

I lived at the house with them when they needed me, playing the role of grandmother, mother, and nurse as needed. And I came to the hospital the second that she was brought in. Pumping her stomach was a traumatic experience for them both. It always is. I am sure that Ana would rather have succumbed to the pills at that point than suffered the indignity and discomfort of it. However "discomfort" is a very euphemistic term to describe it.

The attending physician was completely absorbed in his task, but the nurse helping him told me of Christian's agony throughout the process. At one point, Ana inexplicably managed to gasp out the word "red." Christian's entire body radiated shock at that single syllable and his expression became anguished. But when I asked him about it, he refused to explain. No doubt, he was trying to erase as manor the details as possible his mind.

The days that followed have been painful for all of us as Ana has finally come to grips with the root of her depression. She still has a long way back down the road to complete mental health, but the primary factor restraining her recovery has been eliminated. She has faced the worst head on, finally speaking the words aloud. She has confronted the origin of her irrational feelings of guilt where everyone around her is concerned. She can begin to rebuild her conscience and consciousness into a healthier state.

Having learned what happened to Carla down in Texas, it is difficult for me to feel angry with her, at least to the same degree that I formerly felt. On a purely human level, I have great compassion for her. If I did not know how painfully her response has shaped her daughter's emotional landscape, and if I did not love that daughter so much, I would have an easier time feeling the pity for her that she deserves. But I am too personally involved. The motherly instincts in me supersede the doctor's sympathy for the sick and weak. And Carla Adams is both of these things.

I do not feel the least bit sorry that Carla's own poorly healed wounds have been ripped open by her daughter's illness. Knowing the full story explains her irrational response to Ana's illness when we asked her to help us discern the causes. For all of her flippant and shallow emotions, she also feels a latent guilt for what she put her daughter through. But apparently she feels no remorse for the subsequent impact that it has had on Ana's life.

If Ana felt her guilt for not taking care of her mother too deeply, Carla has completely repressed hers. Or perhaps she felt none. Christian has ranted to me for the past two days about how selfish and self-centered she is. Someday he may understand that Carla's problem is immaturity. She played the helpless victim to life's challenges so effectively from the time that she met Ana's father to the time that she met Stephen that she actually believed it.

But Stephen wasn't buying into it. She may have played up her status of victim to fate because she felt forced into marrying Ray, but he didn't realize when he married her that his role was now to care for her. He had no interest in that level of codependent and took it out on her physically.

It is difficult to understand what the initial attraction was for him in the beginning. But perhaps his motives were just has shallow as hers. Could it be that he saw her as an exciting and beautiful woman before he really knew her? Or was it the challenge of acquisition? Was it the thrill of taking another's man wife from him?

I hope that I never meet him. I can live without answering those questions. I feel no compulsion to sift through the reasoning processes of such an unsavory character. By the time Carla realized that although he might be handsome and exciting, he was certainly not kind and compassionate, it was too late. And she had dragged Ana into the mess as well.

I can still see Ana sitting on the couch in her hospital room, hunched over, with her arms around her knees as she told me her story. She had already told it twice, to the group and Charlotte, but she wanted to "practice" for when she told Christian. And then she swore me to secrecy. I was never to discuss this with another soul again.

I don't know if she meant Christian after she told him, but I decided not to ask. He is bound by the same secrecy, but he needs someone to confide his feelings in. Of course he has hashed it all out with John Flynn, but it is not the same thing. I doubt that Ana will ever find out, but if she should I will simply tell her that Christian needed a sounding board that he wasn't paying by the hour.

I enter the house to help Gail get everything ready. Teddy races to me and throws his little arms around my knees.

"Mommy home!" he shouts. "Bring Mommy, Gramma?"

"No, sweetie," I reply. "Your Daddy will be bringing Mommy home in a little while."

"Auntie Shonda? Sawyer?" he asks.

"Yes, they'll be coming too," I reply with a smile.

"Little man ready!" he chortles. "No make Auntie Shonda scold!"

I wonder how he will feel when Shonda makes her final exit. I already know that Ana is completely unwilling to let go of her. I have no doubt that Christian would make her a permanent addition to the household if Ana wanted, but I know that Shonda is adamantly opposed to the idea. She spoke with me yesterday.

"Dr. Grace," she said nervously. "Mr. Christian asked me if I wouldn't come and work for him full time. You know, quit my job at the hospital. He said that I could help Mrs. Gail look after the children and she could run the house and have more time to take care of Sophie. But I like my hospital job. I don't care about the money. When I said no, he offered to pay for my girls' college and graduate school if they wanted to go. He's making it hard, but I can't help it. I nurse sick people. I'm not a nanny."

"I think that he is just afraid of how Ana will take it when you leave," I had replied. "She has come to rely on you very much. Ideally, she won't feel that need when she is well enough for you to leave. But he doesn't realize that. And he probably thinks that he is making you an offer that you can't refuse. But that's because he doesn't know you."

"No, he doesn't," she said emphatically. "But you do."

"Yes, I do," I answered. "Technically speaking, I haven't had to work since I married Carrick, for the money that is. But I do what I do because I like to help people. It gives me a purpose in life. And I know that I could go into private practice and play at the boutique medicine game and make a lot more money.

"There are plenty of wealthy people in town who would pay full freight for my services as a pediatrician. It would be a lot more lucrative than practicing at the hospital and taking the fees that the ACA pays, but I would feel guilty. The people here need me more. Of course the irony is that if I had not committed myself to this work, I would never have found Christian."

"Yes, that is the way that I feel," she responded. "I felt guilty leaving my patients upstairs when I went to nurse Ana. And it would be easier and more lucrative for me to go work for Mr. Christian. But the folks up there need me more. It's hard to find good psychiatric nurses. Most of them feel like they are into purgatory when they start until they get the job they want. But most of those poor patients up there got no choice. If they could afford it, they would like to be in one of those fancy clinics, but the ACA doesn't pay for that either."

"When the time comes, I will help you make the break," I told her. "And eventually they will understand that it's all for the best."

My pondering is broken when I hear Gail's voice in the hallway.

"Okay, Teddy, let your grandmother be," she says. "And Phoebe is still napping so keep your voice down. No one will thank you if she wakes up too early and gets cranky later."

"Sowwy," he says with the correct degree of remorse. Then he goes galloping loudly off to the playroom.

Gail rolls her eyes.

"I am looking forward to his birthday," she grimaces.

"Good luck," I say doubtfully. "The terrible twos don't recognize birthdays, I hate to tell you. And he's a pretty strong willed child. That won't change overnight either."

"I suspected as much," she says. "But hope springs eternal. Did you see Ana today?"

"I had lunch with her after her group meeting," I reply. "She is in very good spirits. She said that she has enjoyed the last two group meetings more because the focus has been more on coping with the disease itself and the spotlight is no longer on her. She has heard more about the other women. It helps her to see others in various phases of recovery. It is good to see her looking forward, rather than wallowing in the past."

"Well, I must admit that I am glad that she is well enough to return home," she says. "It has been pretty confusing around here for Teddy with Mommy away and Daddy only coming home for visits. And making the videos and having the teleconferencing calls hasn't helped either."

"Well, they were important for Ana's recovery," I reply. "And in the long run, it's better for Teddy if she can come home once and for all, rather than have to make another trip back. That would be really confusing. Not to mention the fact that she is returning in a much better frame of mind. It was more confusing for him when she was hovering between her previous zombie-like state and riding the emotional roller coaster."

"Okay, you've convinced me," she says smiling. "They're due around four?"

"Yes," I say. "Taylor and Christian are picking them up. Charlotte is going to follow them home in her own car with Shonda. I convinced the rest of the family to let them have their reunion with the children in privacy, but they will be in and out over the next couple of days."

"That's good," she says. "It could be very overwhelming for Ana to deal with them all at once."

"It certainly would be," I agree, turning as the door opens.

Sophie walks in and self-consciously bows her head when she sees me.

"Hi, Dr. Grace," she says shyly. "Are you waiting for Ana to come home too?"

"Yes, I am," I say. "How was your day at school?"

"It was very nice, thank you," she responds politely, and then walks off to the playroom to find Teddy.

"That child has the most perfect manners of any that I've ever met," I remark. "I have never heard anything the least bit rude come out if her mouth."

"It's almost unnatural," Gail says uncomfortably. "She is almost always in complete control of her emotions. We had one brief episode a couple of weeks ago when she cracked and was weeping inconsolably, finally admitting how much she missed her mother. But after she settled down, she apologized for causing trouble. Not that she had of course."

"She's internalizing everything," I comment.

"Yes, I'm afraid so," she agrees. "But I don't know what to do. Jason has the same kind of perfect control over his emotions, but that comes from his military training. Sophie just refuses to let go. It hurts me to look at her."

"Now that she is focused less on Ana," I say. "You should talk to Charlotte about it. It's very unhealthy for Sophie to lock away her emotions like this. Now that you mention it, I am beginning to suspect that she is using the excuse of helping out with Teddy as a way of taking the focus from herself."

"I have actually thought that for a while," she replies. "But every time that I have tried to get her to play with children her own age she is very resistant. But it concerns me that she is alone so much, or with adults or younger children. On the other hand, I can't force her into social situations."

"Then we will talk to Charlotte," I decide. "It's not right for her to use our problems as an excuse to avoid her own."

Gail gives me an uncertain smile and then from the upstairs, we hear the sound of Phoebe crying.

"Someone's awake," says Gail with a smile, as she hurries off to get her.

I look at my watch and notice that they are due home very soon. The house is in perfect condition as always. The living room, without the tree, looks uncluttered, but still very cozy. A fire is burning in the fireplace. Then I hear the cars pull up in the driveway. So does Teddy. He is out if the playroom like a shot.

"Mommy?" he asks eagerly, peering through the window beside the door.

"Mommy!" he declares joyfully and stations himself a couple of feet back from door.

Ana is the first one to enter, but before she can even catch her breath, Teddy launches himself into her startled arms.

"Mommy!" he cries, hugging her tightly. "Mommy cold!"

His petulance as he pulls back in her arms makes us laugh. Directly behind her are Christian, Sawyer, and Taylor. Christian quickly divests himself of his coat and takes Teddy from Ana.

"Mommy!" he nearly wails, causing Ana to jump. "Want Mommy back!"

"Teddy," says Christian gently, but firmly. "Let Mommy take off her coat. Then she will hold you for as long as you like."

"I don't know," says Gail, walking in with the baby. "You may have to share Teddy."

As soon as Ana has slipped her coat off and into Sawyer's waiting hands, she reaches eagerly for Phoebe. Teddy tugs at her sweater and pulls her over to the couch. Once she sits with the baby in the crook of one arm, Teddy climbs up beside her and snuggles under her other arm.

"Teddy can share," he says contentedly, as they make a perfect picture.

Christian sits on her other side and puts his arm across the back of the couch.

"Daddy can share too," he says playfully.

Gail tactfully slips out of the room. I go to follow her, but Ana calls me back.

"Please sit with us, Grace," she says. "You're an important part of this too."

I am deeply moved, once again amazed by the feelings that she has for me. The normal wife would have kicked the mother-in-law out at the first opportunity. Instead, I have the honor of joining in the warm reunion scene. I gratefully sit in one of the easy chairs across from them. It gives me enormous pleasure to look at them all together again where they belong.

"Nothing has changed," she sighs as she looks around the room.

"Yes, it has," Christian disagrees. "You have. You are actually smiling and enjoying being here with us again."

Teddy pats her leg.

"Mommy happy," he says. "Look Fee-bee, Mommy happy."

As if on cue, Phoebe sticks her fingers in her drooling mouth and coos happily.

"Someone's teething," Ana sighs.

"But she doesn't cry at all," says Christian. "She's nowhere near as cranky as Teddy was at this age."

Teddy scowls.

"Teddy not cwanky," he mutters. "Teddy good little man. Where Auntie Shonda?"

"She'll be here soon," says Ana. "Charlotte stopped by her place so that she could pick up a few things."

Teddy is satisfied with her answer and sits quietly as Christian and I talk about Mia's wedding. Carrick has had enough of her craziness and demanded that Christian put the brakes on it. Ana is oblivious. She is completely wrapped up in the children, smiling at them and stroking their hair. Suddenly the door bell rings and Teddy is up in a flash.

"Auntie Shonda!" he cries and tugs at the door, frustrated because he doesn't know how to work the deadbolt.

Gail comes quickly and barely has time to open it, before Teddy is jumping up and down and squealing in delight.

"Mmm, hmm," says a familiar voice. "I can see that my little man ain't learned any manners while I was away. What you think you are? Some kind of a hooligan or something?"

Teddy looks confused. I don't think that Shonda has ever called him a hooligan before. But he is able to extrapolate the meaning from the context.

"Teddy just happy to see Auntie Shonda," he says apologetically.

She enters the room with Teddy attached to her side. Charlotte walks in also.

"How does it feel to be back, Ana?" she asks cheerfully.

"It's great," answers Ana. "I feel very comfortable."

"Mommy need nap?" asks Teddy.

"No," she says. "I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"Mommy always nap," he replies. "Nap more than Fee-bee. Always sleep."

For a moment she looks at us sheepishly, as if she has been caught out. Christian and I look at each other in confusion, but luckily Charlotte knows what to say.

"Teddy, I think that you are going to see that your Mommy needs a lot less sleep now," she states confidently. "She'll be around a lot more to play with you."

"Twains?" he asks uncertainly.

"Sure Ted," she says, as she stands and shifts Phoebe onto her hip. "You need to show how you set the new tracks up in the playroom."

"Uncle Joe help," he says, as he leads the way.

After they are gone, Gail turns to us.

"Is that the same Ana that you took to the hospital ten days ago?" she asks in wonder. "I mean, I know that you said that she was improved, but this is miraculous."

"It must seem that way to you," replies Charlotte. "Her mood is greatly improved, but you will see that she still is easily fatigued, even if she doesn't sleep as much. And she is managing her symptoms better. She has confronted some of her worst issues, but she is still sorting through them."

"She has asked us not to share the recent things that she has told us about her mother," I add. "So don't ask. In fact, you shouldn't even mention Carla unless she does. There is still a lot of healing to happen there."

"Do you have a new routine in mind for her?" asks Gail in her best professional tone.

"She will have group every morning," replies Charlotte. "Then she will have therapy with me the in afternoon. She eats breakfast every morning with Christian, lunch with Grace, or a friend if Grace is working, and then dinner with Christian and the children. In between, she will be spending time with the children. We want to try to avoid the naps so that she will sleep better at night. She has also started writing a journal."

"That's a pretty tight schedule," comments Gail.

"It's the routine that we established in the hospital," explains Shonda. "The idea was to carry it through at home. We need to transition her back to a normal life. At first, her family and friends will visit her here, but eventually we will be encouraging her to go out more."

"But no big social functions," says Christian. "I hate going to those things alone, but I can't put her through that. And we need to get her into an exercise routine when she regains some more weight and strength. Bastille is working on developing a regimen now."

"It's been difficult to convince her that she will have more energy if she starts working out again," says Charlotte. "Not to mention that the endorphins will give her a natural mood boost."

"She never did like to exercise," says Christian ruefully. "But I know that if we can cajole her into it then she will pick it up again."

I am curious about how Ana is doing right now, so I leave the others to continue filling in Gail and wander over to the playroom. I stand in the doorway watching as Teddy is mid-flow, explaining the new intricacies of the additions to the railway in great detail. Ana is listening attentively, while she cuddles the baby close. Sophie is sitting off to the side, never taking her eyes off of Ted.

But the sadness in her face is evident. Occasionally, I notice that she surreptitiously glances over at Ana and Phoebe. The yearning in her expression is thinly masked. Ana is so focused on her own children, that she is completely unaware. There is a part of me that longs to go over and give little Sophie a hug. But her body language tells me that she would not appreciate the physical contact.

I turn my eyes back to Ana and the kids before Sophie can become aware of my close observation. I hear footsteps behind me and Christian stands beside me with his arm around my shoulders. His face is taut with emotion as he watches Ana fully engaged in her time with the children.

"She's back," he whispers softly in my ear.

"Yes," I reply quietly. "She's back."