Thanks ever so much for the reviews!
Well, looks like this is the penultimate chapter. We're nearly there! Hooray!
As Batman had feared, Zsasz woke up before they reached the Batmobile. And, of course, the psychopath was not happy with his situation. And, again, of course, the Joker felt the need to antagonize everyone within earshot.
"Hey, Vic, are you just going to lay there and let the big, bad Bat take you in? What about all the zombies that need liberating? They're going to have to continue their miserable, crappy lives, going to their boring jobs and having generic sex with their fat wives! And what about those poor fat wives?! Imagine their pain! They have to do the job thing, and the sex thing, and be fat!" the Joker cried.
Zsasz began to fight like he was a giant catfish and Batman was Jeremy Wade. If holding onto the naked Joker and pulling Zsasz along hadn't been enough of a challenge before, Batman found his workload doubled.
Feeding off the chaos he was creating, the Joker threw more deranged encouragement at Zsasz. Batman would have tried to punch the clown, but taking one hand off him, the way he was wiggling, would probably result in the Joker slithering away. And with Zsasz acting as a living, immensely ticked-off anchor, even someone as strong as Batman would have trouble chasing the clown down.
Having spent a great deal of time in restraints of one type or another, Zsasz had become something of an escape artist. While he had practically no chance of shucking off the bat-cuffs around his wrists, the simple tie-line around his ankles was another story. He kicked off the shoes he'd stolen from the same locker he'd taken his shirt and trousers from, and, with more twisting of his ankles, managed to slip the cable.
Batman instantly felt the loss of the weight on the line. He turned to pursue Zsasz, but the Joker decided he didn't want the fun to end before it began. Taking advantage of Batman's distraction, the clown went in for a classic Three Stooges move and tried to poke Batman in the eyes. It wasn't by any means the first time the Joker had played that trick, so Batman was able to avoid needing to wear an eye patch for the rest of his days. The move did, however, confirm the need to secure the Joker's hands, even if it meant Zsasz had a few extra seconds of freedom.
The Joker found himself dropped to the ground face-down with Batman holding handcuffs and standing over him. It was like a dream come true. The Joker could not have set up a better situation for filthy jokes if he'd wanted to.
"Batsy, you must be the 'B' is BDSM!" the Joker cackled.
The handcuffs tightened around the clown's wrists.
"Wait!" the Joker shouted. "We haven't got a safe word yet!"
Batman grunted and hauled the Joker up. The clown had apparently recovered after Ivy's assault, or he'd forgotten that he'd been playing at being in too much pain to move, because this time the Joker didn't clutch himself and fall down. At least not at first. Though when he realized Batman was on to him, the moaning, weak knees, and pain only a man could understand all manifested themselves.
There wasn't exactly time to stand there, tapping his foot at the Joker's antics. Though it was a huge inconvenience to carry the Joker, Batman had no alternative. He lifted the clown up and turned to see where Zsasz had gotten off to.
The serial killer still must have been having issues, because his weaving path suggested he was in the middle of one hell of a bender, but he was moving at a good clip and didn't look like he was going to throw up and pass out again. And he wasn't, Batman noticed, simply running for distance. He definitely had a goal in mind.
"He's going to get eaten," the Joker observed.
Batman had no idea what horrors Ivy had growing in her greenhouse, but past experience told him to expect thorns, teeth, poison, and giant, mind-scarring versions of usually harmless plants. In other words, things he was in no mood to fight, and things that it was not wise to bring the Joker around. Not that Batman had a lot of options. He couldn't leave the Joker. Even handcuffed, the clown would no doubt try to start a game of hide-and-seek wherever Batman tried to stash him. Not that the Dark Knight had much time to look for a makeshift prison anyway: Zsasz was almost to the greenhouse, and if the plants inside were as vicious as Ivy's usual brood, they'd give the scarred maniac marks far deeper and more serious than anything he'd ever inflicted on himself.
With no other options, Batman took off in pursuit of Zsasz, and brought the Joker along for the ride.
Ahead of the Bat and clown, Zsasz staggered against the greenhouse wall. He dragged himself along until he felt the door handle beneath his fingers. He wrenched open the door and ducked into the humid, jungle darkness.
Zsasz usually felt at home in the night, as that was his preferred hunting ground. He was used to slinking like a leopard through the city, preying on who he wanted. Here, though, in the confines of the greenhouse, he felt none of his usual bravado. Instead, he felt like he was being stalked.
Something slithered across Zsasz's shoulder. He instinctively tried to slap at it, and failed since it was damn near impossible to reach that spot while wearing handcuffs. Another phantom touch crawled across the back of his neck, making him shiver.
Maybe he'd be better off surrendering to Batman. At least then he'd know what to expect. Namely, a fist in the face.
Zsasz shook his head. Something as sane and reasonable as surrender just wasn't in his nature.
Behind him, Zsasz heard the greenhouse door swing open. Again, just for a second, he considered waving the white flag. Then he blundered forward to face whatever lurked in the greenhouse.
The killer had managed no more than a few steps when the previously creepy, unseen touches turned violent. Something struck Zsasz's face hard enough to cut his cheek and draw blood. A second blow to his back knocked him to the ground. Whatever slender, powerful things were attacking him, they weren't satisfied with smacking him off his feet. Even when he was down, the attackers continued to lash out, and, the cause of considerably more concern, attempt to coil around his limbs.
By sheer luck Zsasz managed to get a hold of one of the vicious things. It was no thicker than a rope, but it was studded with what could only be leaves. Zsasz recalled the horrors from Ivy's fridge, which were much smaller than this, and knew he had to get out of there, and fast.
Not that the vines were eager to let him go. It required plenty of flailing, rolling, and kicking before Zsasz was able to repel enough of the plants to run. The killer threw himself through a dense copse of Jurassic-looking ferns, shrugged off another vine assault, and finally burst into a relative clearing.
At the center of which was an enormous Venus flytrap that looked large and hungry enough to digest a biplane.
In Mel's clearing, where there was no overhanging canopy of green, moonlight filtered through the glass roof of the greenhouse and illuminated enough of the giant flytrap for Zsasz to grasp just how monstrous it truly was. The flytrap's mouth was lined with more teeth than a Sharknado and vines writhed around the plant's body. Upon Zsasz's intrusion, those vines became much more attack, twitching like an aggravated cat's tail.
Upon discovering what he'd stumbled upon, Zsasz changed his mind. He was going to find Batman and throw himself at the Dark Knight's feet. There was some things, like apparently everything in this greenhouse, that even an insane nihilist like Zsasz couldn't handle.
Mel had other ideas. Even as Zsasz turned, Mel's vines reached for him. Zsasz was quick, but the vines were like whips. They coiled around his ankles and Zsasz again found himself on his belly because of foliage.
The vines tightened around his ankles and began to reel him in toward's Mel's gaping mouth. Zsasz tried to dig his feet and hands into the soil, but the loam was loose and he couldn't gain a purchase.
Batman plowed through the leaf and shrub barrier just in time to see Zsasz lifted into the air. The killer managed to perform a sit-up, and did something Batman had never seen used as a technique to escape Ivy's plants: he bit them.
There was a reason why nobody tried biting Ivy's plants. It was a moronically shitty idea. While Zsasz's teeth did manage to slightly perforate Mel's vine, the vine was filled with a sap that was unspeakably bitter.
Mel didn't appreciate being bitten, as it was a reminder of how almost every other plant on the planet was at the bottom of the food chain and commonly munched upon by everything from vegans to hamsters. In retaliation for the bite (in addition to the mouthful of taste-bud shriveling bitterness Zsasz was choking on) Mel reeled in Zsasz and dangled him over the plant's open mouth.
"I told you this was going to happen," the Joker said.
Batman dropped the clown to the dirt. As much as he would have liked to never have to find another of Zsasz's victims or deal with another hostage situation involving the monster, it went against Batman's code to stand back and watch people get eaten by plants.
He also didn't want to deal with the Joker saying "I told you so" for the rest of the night.
Given that he had three psychopaths to take on a long, assuredly awful car-ride, Batman had no desire to spend more time than was necessary dancing with the giant flytrap. So long as it was contained in a greenhouse in the middle of nowhere, Batman didn't need to whack the weed, just make it drop its dinner. Batman pulled a batarang from his utility belt and prepared to just that.
The batarang sailed through the air, aimed at the vines coiled around Zsasz's ankles. Mel, either by chance or by conscious decision, flicked a vine in front of the projectile. The batarang stuck deep in the vine, and Mel emitted a low rumble that was unnervingly animal. All the vines save the injured one and the ones wrapped around Zsasz's ankles thrashed with wild energy. They undulated like octopus tentacles, and Batman prepared for the worst.
The vines struck in a wave, slashing and jabbing at Batman. He was forced to retreat, and grabbed the Joker's ankle on the fly. The clown couldn't even make any smart comments about running away, because the vines seemed plenty interested in him, too. The Joker had to slap a particularly frisky tendril that almost made its way around his neck.
A few leaps and bounds later and Batman had reached the edge of the clearing and the edge of Mel's range. Not that him being out of reach calmed Mel down at all. Like a severely pissed off dog on a leash, Mel strained for the few extra inches needed to bite someone's face off.
"Uh, Bats, I'm not having fun anymore," the Joker muttered. And he looked it, too. Having been dropped and dragged across the ground like a caveman bride, the Joker was smeared with dirt and a few twigs and leaves had tangled in his hair.
The Joker's fun levels were low priority for Batman. He was too busy trying to aim a batarang through the living curtain of vines.
Mel was not making Batman's job easy. Every time Batman thought he might have a decent shot, a vine would thrash into the way, blocking the batarang's flight plan. It was beginning to get frustrating, and Zsasz was getting mighty close to Mel's mouth.
"Is it gonna be today?!" the Joker demanded.
If Batman wasn't under enough pressure, he now had the Joker getting impatient. Fantastic. Maybe it would be worth the delay to knock the clown unconscious.
Mel didn't give Batman enough time to decide. The flytrap was hungry and sick of being bitten and pelted with bat-shaped objects. The vines around Zsasz's ankles uncoiled and the serial killer dropped toward the eager jaws.
Batman switched from the batarang to his grappling gun. It wasn't the device's usual function, but it would hopefully catch a serial killer as easily as it latched onto a gargoyle or other handy overhanging anchor.
The grappling hook latched onto Zsasz's flailing ankle and Batman gave a yank almost hard enough to pop the killer's hip out of its socket. Which, given that the alternative was chomping and digestion, even dislocation would have been preferable. Zsasz, his hip intact, hit the ground beside Mel. He immediately scrambled onto all fours and tried to scurry away.
Neither Batman nor Mel were having any of that. The vines reached for Zsasz, and Batman jerked on the grappling gun cable. Zsasz was pulled along the ground, acquiring even more dirt and debris than the Joker had gathered. Inches behind him, the vines stretched for his feet.
Just before Batman could pull Zsasz into the safety corridor, Mel's quickest vine caught the killer's ankle. The vine stopped Zsasz dead, and within seconds, more vines were pulling at his legs.
Zsasz found himself caught in a tug-of-war between a hero dressed as a bat and a giant flytrap. And, for the first time in his life, Zsasz was throwing his lot in with Batman.
The Joker, not so much.
The Joker's betrayal was as sudden but inevitable as that of Wash's dinosaurs. With his hands cuffed, the clown couldn't shove Batman very effectively, but his feet were free, and he took great pleasure planting his foot against Batman's backside.
Batman stumbled forward, just over the invisible safe line. The vines that had been waving at him futilely were now able to get in on the fun. Within seconds, Batman found himself attacked on all sides. One particularly pernicious vine tried to worm its way under the Bat's mask. He fished another batarang from his belt and slashed that questing vine. The severed segment fell to the ground, and Mel loosed another growl unlike anything flora should have been able to produce.
There were too many vines to combat one at a time. Cutting one vine or pulling a body part free only triggered a hydra-like response from Mel. Batman looked through the raging tide of vines and saw the impressive central body of the plant. He needed to hit it there. If he could somehow manage to avoid all the protective vines, and pull a usable hand loose for any amount of time. Which didn't seem very likely.
Unprotected by armor, Zsasz was having an even less fun time. The vines tightening around his body dug into his skin, and threatened to give him a whole new set of scars. Even worse, he felt the vines began to lift him again, and he dreaded being hauled over that mouth a second time.
To add to Batman's troubles and desperation, he noticed Zsasz leaving the ground. He had to do something and do it now.
With all of his might, Batman strained against the vines encircling his right arm. Ivy's greatest engineering feat bowed and then snapped under the Dark Knight's muscles. Before reinforcements could arrive, Batman reached for his utility belt and came up with a stun grenade.
The grenade, when thrown, emitted a blinding flash of light and a concussive bang that would leave a roomful of thugs deaf, blind, and stumbling over each other in a panic. Mel didn't have eyes or ears, per se, but the shock-wave and explosive heat of the flashbang would have to cause some sort of damage, especially if Batman could channel his inner Michael Jordan and get the grenade in Mel's mouth.
Whether Zsasz kenned Batman's plan, or just chose an excellent moment to lose his shit, the killer broke into a struggle so powerful and desperate it almost suggested either a grand mal seizure or demonic possession. Despite having just gotten a mouthful of bitterness incarnate, Zsasz again bit at the vines closest to him. He also heaved and twisted so wildly he slipped a foot free of the vines. With that foot, he went on a kicking spree. Because nobody at Arkham was all that keen to get close to Zsasz just to clip his toenails, his kicks were like those of a cassowary.
As Batman was standing relatively still, and wasn't using his toenails as a weapon, Mel's priorities shifted to Zsasz. While plenty of vines stayed wrapped around him, Batman still had one arm free and primed to throw the grenade. Any free vines turned against Zsasz, and, just for a moment, Batman had the clear shot he needed.
The flash grenade arched perfectly into Mel's maw. For a moment nothing happened, and then the grenade went off with a blinding bang that, even contained inside the flytrap's body, still produced a concussive wave powerful enough for Batman to feel through his armor. Mel rumbled as smoke poured from his mouth. The vines that strangled both hero and villain held tightly for a few seconds, and then drooped off them. Batman shrugged the stunned tendrils off his body, and the moment he was free, dashed over to where Zsasz, who was splashed all over with sap, was unwrapping himself.
Nearly being consumed by a man-eating plant must have been enough to penetrate the Iron Dome of Zsasz's insanity. When he looked up at Batman, his eyes were, for once, not wild with murder.
"You saved my life," the killer said with the closest he could come to gratitude.
Batman accepted his thanks, and then punched him in the head. No doubt Zsasz would wake up with all graciousness gone, but Batman wasn't taking chances. He was finished chasing maniacs around.
Or almost finished.
There was still the matter of the Joker. Of course the clown had run off somewhere.
The small mercy was the Joker was easy to find. He'd left a visible trail in the greenery, a path of broken branches and stepped-on ferns. The trail ended in a patch of vines near the front door where the Joker had become entangled. He dangled upside down and swung gently back and forth.
"You found me, Batsy! Want to cut me down before this turns into hentai?" the Joker asked.
A batarang later, Batman had the Joker in custody. Before the plants could regroup, the Caped Crusader had both his prisoners dragged out of the greenhouse, and into a world of normal, non-lethal grass.
"Can I ride up front?" the Joker asked as Batman deposited him and Zsasz just beside the Batmobile.
"No."
Batman opened the roof of the Batmobile, and the moment the seal was broken, Black Mask's enraged voice darkened the night.
"You son of a bitch! Don't you dare put that clown back here with me! Tie him to the roof or something! The next time I see any of you, I am aiming for the head!" Black Mask raged.
Tying the Joker to the roof would damage the vehicle's aerodynamic design too much. Though Batman would have greatly preferred it. Oh well. Despite Black Mask's screaming, Batman shoved the Joker and Zsasz into the rear of the Batmobile. He then got into the front seat, closed the roof, and wished he'd brought some noise-canceling headphones.
He wished that even more fervently when, not two minutes into the drive, the Joker broke into song.
By the time he got to Arkham, he was going to need his own padded cell.
Author's Notes:
The title comes from the literary phrase "Chekhov's Gun," which was created by writer Anton Chekhov. He famously said, in a story, a gun on a wall should go off before the end of the story. In other words, stories should have no superfluous elements.
Jeremy Wade is a professional angler and host of the show River Monsters, where he travels the world, catching really big fish.
"Batman" is decidedly NOT the B in BDSM.
Sharknado is a Syfy original movie in which a tornado sucks up a large number of sharks and then deposits them, somehow still alive and hungry, in the middle of Los Angeles. In the sequel, the same thing happens in NYC.
On the show Firefly, a character named Wash plays with plastic dinosaurs that are at first friends, but soon resort to their carnivore ways. He utters the line "Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal."
A cassowary is a large, flightless Australian bird with serious claws and attitude.
The Iron Dome is an Israeli air defense shield.
Hentai, on the off chance there's an internet user out there who doesn't know this, is Japanese animated or manga pornography. One of the most common varieties is the much joked about "tentacle porn."
